Life & Times of S.G.

Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet

2012-01-21T19:58:00.001-06:00

Hotel on the Corner of Bitter and Sweet by Jamie Ford

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

If you liked Guernsey and The Potato Peel Society, you will love this book. With authors such as Sara Gruen (Water for Elephants) and Garth Stein (The Art of Racing in the Rain) giving this book great reviews how can you not pick it up and give it a try. I was given the book as a Christmas present for those very reasons, and they were on par with how fantastic this book really was.

The topic is a boy meets girl type of story but this happens in 1942 when the Japanese Internment happened in Seattle. You get to read about the story from the side of the boy, who is Chinese, and falls in love with a girl who is Japanese American (born on American soil) but is placed in the internment camps bc of her Japanese background. It's forbidden love in a different place and different time. The common ground is the boy and girl learn to like each other and share some of the same likes, such as jazz music. The boy ends up taking a job with the school cook where he travels to the various internment camps to make meals for the people. This is the way he gets to see his girl friend while she is in the internment camp. Then they continue their relationship through letters, but SOMEONE intercepts the letters from getting to the boy. He thinks that his dear friend has moved on with her life and that sadly, he should do the same. This wonderful story plays out perfectly in the end.

View all my reviews

Heat

2012-01-09T19:02:00.000-06:00

Heat: An Amateur's Adventures as Kitchen Slave, Line Cook, Pasta-Maker, and Apprentice to a Dante-Quoting Butcher in Tuscany by Bill Buford

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

I will be completely honest, when the tale of this story was related to Mario Batali or his restaurant, Babbo, I really didn't care for this book. Once Buford went to Italy and Tuscany I really got into the book. Is this book 4 star quality, no. Since I can't give 3.5 or 3.75 then 4 is the closest because it isn't wholely a 3 star book either. When Buford goes to Italy to learn how to make pasta the traditional way the story begins the adventure and as he repeatedly goes back to Italy/Tuscany it furthers that food is an essential part of family. By that i mean, the people take their food prep skills very seriously and nothing short of perfect is acceptable, almost like the daunting approval seeking relationship between a child and parent. The people that teach Buford skills that he will remember for a life time become his family and friends. Simple gestures like leaving his knife steel is seen as an act of pride and true friendship. The people Buford met on his journey are people that he probably still keeps in contact with and sees on a semi-regular basis. When he wrote about them, I got the impression, these people truly touched his life and left their mark forever on his history. It was almost as if i went with Buford on his journeys and was standing beside him being the same keen student he was, sucking in the knowledge these incredible people had to offer or at least allowed him to have the privilege of seeing.

The reason i didn't like the Mario Batali parts: i found him to be a pompus character (even when watching him on tv, which is very impersonal, i find him to be unbareable, so this indepth time with him was a bit much.), the restaurant lifestyle is so fast paced and it's almost like there is a revolving door on the industry (if you can't hack it move on to the next place that will try you and chalk up your abilities. Those were the main two reasons. I found it sad that Buford held Batali in such high regard but in the same sentence some of the things Batali does......he is a flavour genius.

View all my reviews

Life Support

2011-12-23T15:31:00.001-06:00

Life Support by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book did not near meet what I was hoping for. I was expecting a medical thriller like Gerritsen's other book Harvest. This book really fell short which is a shame bc Gerritsen is a great medical writer. I read to page 360 and could not finish the book because i found it to be such a bunch of malarky. (the book finishes on page 369, and i highly doubt that i missed very much)

View all my reviews

The Buddha and the Borderline

2011-12-01T11:01:00.001-06:00

The Buddha & the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating by Kiera Van Gelder
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a really great book. It took me forever to read though because I found it scary in that it felt like the story was actually about my life. I suffer from BPD and since i was diagnosed many years ago it has been a very strange roller coaster ride. There have been addictions left, right and centre just to avoid having to deal with my emotions. Mood instability makes it hard for myself and the others around me, and relationships are few and far between. Trying to comprehend what the actual meaning of being diagnosed with BPD was very tricky to begin with. Job instability due to moods and emotions. Going throught the phases of being fine and then all of a sudden you just want to take permanent residence in your bed because it's warm and safe, a sort of shelter that you can always count on. The one thing that I felt Gelder got completely right was that once you are diagnosed with BPD many people, be it pyschiatrists, therapists, counsellors, etc, consider you a lost cause. I have felt that way many times with my own psychiatrist and it is the worst feeling in the world. Any chance of hope you might have get diminished bc no one believes that you have any chance of getting better. I currently work with a therapist that helps me practice and understand the DBT rules and such. She has written a book herself on DBT therapy, which is also a workbook for therapeutic reasons. Out of all the therapies that i have been, I find that DBT is the most challenging as it expects you to practice some of the hardest skills (at least for borderline people), ie. radical acceptance, non-judgemental stance, mindfulness, noticing when you are in emotion/reason/wise mind. Without the help of my current therapist i don't think that i would be doing as well as i am today. I have held a job for over 1 year, which is the longest yet. I am 1 yr and 1 mth drug free. I am going to school for a career that i truly believe i want to be doing. My self confidence has risen incredibly and i can stand up for myself (instead of just being a wet noodle like i used to be). DBT and my therapist have truly helped me and for once i am starting to think there is more to life then just being sad/angry/numb. Even though this book was hard to read because i could relate to it so much it definitely shed light that there is more to life. If you suffer with BPD, the journey is long and hard but at some point you will realize that it will start to get easier and it will be a huge burden taken from your shoulders.

SIDEBAR - THIS BOOK IS RIDDLED WITH GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING ERRORS, WHICH DROVE ME A LITTLE CRAZY, but if i use my non-judgemental stance and radical acceptance : it did not take away from the message the book was meant to send.

Tribute To Abby

2011-11-08T19:03:00.007-06:00

So i just turned 28 on November 4, 2011. Probably one of the worst birthdays ever. I had to put my dear cat, Abby, down. She may have had a brain tumour and at the end it was so bad that she was in a coma and incontinent. She may have had little or no eye sight and she had lost all recognition. She would gaze in a trance most of the time. Me and my other cat, Zoe, are very lonely. We are relying on each other to get through this time of grieving. I have had strong urges to use/drink but i have been good and not had a single drop/toke. I am kind of in a trance myself. I don't really feel like myself and any emotion whether good or bad just registers as nothing. I don't really care about myself which is not good and can sometimes put me in compromised situations. The worst part of it all was slowly watching my AbbyCat fade into a nothing-type state. She didn't want to eat and could hardly move. I can only imagine what the world looked like to her near the end, if she even noticed it all. My therapist said to do anything i need to avoid self medicating with inappropriate substances. I have just chosen to stay away from them altogether but damn! It would definitely help. What i would give to feel numb again, especially right now. I don't feel happy and today i should be happier then a pig in shit. I went for my last appointment at the fracture clinic and got to be completely cast-less. It's been 3 months since i've been able to be totally independent, from showering to driving. The driving i missed the most. You never really realize how hard it is to be a passenger. But getting back to my point, bc i feel so depressed i can hardly smile or be joyous. I have turned inward and don't really want to talk to people. Sometimes communicating with family is difficult but it's not their fault so i make the extra effort. Before i had to put Abby down i was edgy, always wondering if i was going to find her dead. It was one of the harder things i have ever had to experience.

I want to remember the good things about Abby:
-we saved her life when she showed up at the farm, so anaemic she was barely existing
-she loved living at the farm
-she really enjoyed laying out on the pavement when it was warm and sunny
-in the winter, i remember her being curled up under the heat lamps nice and toasty
-sometimes i would put my gloves underneath her body so they would get extra warm under the heat lamp
-she loved to eat, food was her passion in life
-when she moved the apartment with me she made a perch on top of the couch
-she would sit on her perch staring out the patio door for hours
-in the summer she would lay out on the patio and just be a beach bum minus the beach
-she loved playing with her toy ferrets
-eventually, she would play with anything that would rattle when she batted it around
-the kitty condo was her sanctuary and i'm sure if she could have gone in the hammock she would have
-she had the most loving gaze, it was something that would truly melt your heart
-when i came home from work or something, she would greet me with a friendly meow
-even though her and Zoe had tiffs, they were the best of friends
-they would bake in the sun together on the warm days of summer
-Abby was a really chill cat, she loved lounging around the house
-afternoon naps were something she lived by
-she loved Nana, and when Nana visited she would be with her non-stop
-Nana always babied her and she loved it
-when she purred she sort of murmured like a pigeon
Dear Abby,
Zoe and I miss you every day. It's really lonely without you but we are glad that you aren't suffering anymore. We hope to meet you at rainbow bridge.

Half Broke Horses

2011-11-07T19:10:00.001-06:00

Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This is a great prequel to The Glass Castle. In a way i wish that i read this book first. It would have given me great background as to why jeannette walls mother RoseMary was the way she was. Walls has this wonderful way of telling the story. It's like you don't want to put the book down for fear that you might miss something. The story is in the details for sure. Always something going on. This book created the base for Jeannette having such strong family values. Although i wish that i had read this book first i was glad to be able to read it and get a more indepth history as to Walls' upbringing. Great tale of life on the western frontier.

View all my reviews

Night Circus

2011-10-28T19:40:00.000-06:00

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was pretty good. It captured the magic and wonder of the circus even though it was written for a different time/era. The characters were strong and they were interesting to get to know. It took me a little bit longer to finish the book but i think i was savouring the magic and creative details within the story. Although i found the love story a little lame, it was different then no other i have read. It all related to a challenge started long before the circus existed. The circus was a first of it's kind a there probably never would have been one like it. It was a pretty special book. Kind of reminded me of my childhood and the exciting time of one a year going to the circus and seeing the magic and tricks/stunts underneath this huge but incredible tent. Brought back good memories. I wish there was a circus like the one mentioned in the book as it would defy any magic there is out there today.

View all my reviews

The Silent Girl

2011-10-15T09:55:00.001-06:00

The Silent Girl by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book was alright. Not as good and some of the other books that i have read by gerritsen. I found the story pretty boring until about pgs 150-180, then somewhere in there the story got a little more interesting. The unfortunate thing was that i found the story didn't have an amazing climax and therefore i was left thinking "Yeah, so.........". This was one of the books where i found the characters of Rizzoli and Isles to both be very weak, which was another downfall. On the positive side the book was a very easy read, and there wasn't a lot of thinking involved to try and figure out the WHO?WHAT?WHERE?WHEN?WHY?HOW?. After reading this book i think i will make the decision to stick with her medical thrillers as that is where i think Gerritsen's forte truly is.

View all my reviews

THE GLASS CASTLE

2011-10-06T13:06:00.001-06:00

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was an amazing memoir that proves the 'rags to riches' fallacy can be true. Walls lived a hard life growing up. Moving round from place to place, not really having a fixed address, or living in a house that should have been condemned. Throughout her life Walls faces toil and trouble, ie. gets burnt at age 3 making hot dogs for herself and has to go through serious medical treatment involving skin grafts, has a drunk for a father, experiences rape and perverts, and yet she still makes the story an amazing tale with her being the heroin and getting a university deqree. The dysfunction in her family is what makes the story even harder to put down. Her father implants in the children's heads that they will one day live in a glass castle and life will be perfect. A perfect life in Walls early years was far from feasible. At some points she had to work multiple jobs, ie. babysitting, doing other students essays/projects, working at small jobs, just so that she would be able to fulfill the duties of a parent so that the rest of the kids in the family would have food to eat. Although Walls mum and dad were quite flake-y, they did try to instill good values within their children, like the importance of education, how reading and writing will help with your daily lives, how to be resourceful without being wasteful, at some point everything needs a little love. Some of the values were taken to the extent which was too much, like helping mum grade papers and fill out her lesson plans to keep her teaching job, eating all the food till it was gone even it was rotten. New York ended up being the promised land for Jeannette and her brother Brian, and sister Lori. Once they escaped their parents they were able to make decent lives for themselves and live the american dream. Out of all the kids, the 3 of them got to live the dream and do what they loved. It must have been devastating to watch the baby of the family, Maureen, go down the same road that her parents did but once she left for good, one has to imagine that her life got better or somewhat improved.

This book touched every part of me, had me laughing, had me wanting to cry, had me feeling sorry for certain characters that would not get out of their rut. It touched every emotion possible and made you realize what you are to be lucky for. This book is a memoir but not like any other memoir i have read. It had more of a KANE AND ABEL feel but for an entire family, or at least the 3 that made something of themselves. The difference between this book and KANE AND ABEL is that the mother and father chose to live a life of hard work and poverty. There were steps they could have taken and chose not to, things that could have helped them out. The most interesting thing about this book is that the struggle of the family was CHOSEN by the parents.

View all my reviews

Harvest

2011-10-01T16:51:00.001-06:00

Harvest by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was absolutely fabulous. I was looking for something gritty when i went to the book store and the people were suggesting stuff and i decided to take this book. Then i started reading it and it was even better then what i had hoped for. For all those people who like their medical dramas, ie. ER, chicago hope, grey's anatomy, this book is 10 times better then those shows will ever be, even when they are in their peak air times. This book is down right dirty. Surgeons using words like 'cut' when opening somebody's body cavity during surgery, harvesting organs for transplants, medical jargon supreme. And another twist to this book, i didn't once figure out who was behind the crime, therefore making it even more fab! Tess Gerritsen hits this one out of the park and gives herself a chance at two homeruns instead of the proverbial one. LOVED IT (even minute, every heart beat!)

View all my reviews

A Secret Kept

2011-09-26T17:44:00.001-06:00

A Secret Kept by Tatiana de Rosnay

I tried really hard to read this book and i just couldn't do it. I only read to 61 pages and i said to myself if it's not worth reading why waste my time. I can't even give this book any stars. I guess i was looking for another solid read like Sarah's Key. This book didn't even come close. The first 61 pages were ridiculous. There was a lot of jumping around in time. Lots of memories and stuff. I just didn't care and was very disappointed. So i didn't get to find out what the secret kept was....... :0(

View all my reviews

Enter the Dating Pool.......

2011-09-26T15:16:00.001-06:00

So being laid up with all my injuries really sucks but it gives me a fair bit of time to watch crappy movies (there are very few good ones out, i know bc i have been watching them as they are about to come out), reading lots of books (majority are mediocre, still haven’t read a really awesome one in a while), do school work (at least it’s a decent exercise outlet for my brain), and to browse the dating pool on POF. There are people on there who write their profile 'about me' section and are straight to the point. Honesty is a great policy, never been better actually. Then there are people that are straight up about things that would be much more easy to discuss on a date, depending on what stage of the dating game you are at. Today a young chap used the 'meet me' feature on the site, my name and profile came up and he said that he would like to MEET ME. Wow! I'm honoured and i would like to thank the academy for this wonderful award......... wait.........that's a different time/era/situation. (I WILL ADMIT THOUGH IF I GOT AN ACADEMY AWARD AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD BE FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC!) So i am reading the profile for DannyQ (at least that's what i will call him). It's pretty decent. He's 26, blah blah blah, nothing important, nothing important. He's got the standard standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his shirt off pictures. He's ripped which is always pleasant to look at. Then it starts! His interests include: SEX, hot tub-ing, WEED, sports, KINK, outdoors, driving, boating, partying, 420, cottage and FETISH. So as you can see interspersed amongst some decent interests are basically the makings of a person that is looking for something, as i would say, 'from the other side' sexually. That's great so even though this guy is not what i think is right for me, i decide that i will continue on and read his profile. This is what it says:

Hey all. Just an open-minded male, looking for an open-minded female.

I have my own place, my own car, and own business. I work-out often, but do enjoy being lazy at home.

Looking for someone who is on the kinky side. We can discuss this further, if needed. But just because, I am open minded sexually - DOES NOT mean I am just looking for a quick bang. That being said.. being a 'sexual prude', is not a very attractive trait.. in anyone!

I got a few tats now.. have my tongue, eyebrow and labret pierced
YES.. I am young looking. I know. When did ever become a really bad thing? lol

I am serious about meeting - and expect the same!

As you can see, once again it starts off pretty normal. Seems like a decent guy. He's looking for the same in a chick. Has his own place, seems grounded, all that mature stuff you're looking for in a possible dating candidate. Then the atomic bomb is dropped. Maybe he thinks that no one will make a big deal when reading his profile and he is looking for someone with a kinky side. It's nice that he's willing to discuss it further if needed. I mean come on, maybe there is more explanation needed, ie. Do you come with toys of various sizes and colours? OR.... Are batteries included? It's like the phrase “Putting the hotdog in the bun,” slightly modified but i would like to thank the Situation (from Jersey Shore), he used the phrase pretty well on last weeks episode. At least DannyQ states that he is looking for someone that is willing to stick around while sexually experimenting, not just a casual FUCK! That's refreshing, a kink-ster with morals. Maybe it's me just being a sexual prude.....he thinks that's a very unattractive trait.

Is that all you have to offer POF......COME ON!

2011-09-25T18:34:00.000-06:00

Hey there !

So happy to have met you here tonight.

I opened an account at Plentyoffish, once again. I have to say i am not totally keen on the internet dating seen but i don't meet a lot of guys in my regular life so i thought i would try it again but this time i value myself more then before so really trying to stay away from the one night-er situations. I've done amazing so far. I had a weird situation only once but i doubt that guy will be calling me ever again. He started telling me that i had a sexy voice, which i thought was a compliment. It's nice when people notice stuff about you that you never really realized about yourself. So we are talking about stuff, ie. What we do for work, what we do in our spare time......AND then he starts telling me that he is going to spank his wank while he's talking to me. I have to be totally honest, when he told me that my response was “Are you kidding me?” in a question type way and when he admitted No he wasn't, i was very repetitive and said it again but with a more you've got to be kidding me type tone. So then he says that i can continue talking about whatever i want, but this is after he tries to convince me to diddle myself. Like frig bud, it's the first time talking to you and i really don't think this is appropriate. If i wanted to be a phone sex operator i would at least make sure that i get paid for talking to people if that's what they are going to do on the other end of the line. I would be asking for a credit card number asap and it wouldn't matter what your name was. ALAS, I'M NOT A PHONE SEX OPERATOR (just wanted to write that for clarification......although i'm sure that some conversations would make it here to the blog for an entertainment factor if i was a phone sex operator!) Back to the story..........So i am talking to this guy and he really isn't paying attention to a damn thing I say. He starts panting like a bitch in heat and I had to say “Are you for real?” He very calmly told me yes he was real and that he would appreciate if i helped him finish by saying “Matthew cum.” So i did, but it was more in a pissed off housewife way. You know like the wife that doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore and it's like she would rather stab herself in the eye with a fork. Here's my example “Arghhhhh. Fine! MATTHEW (eye rolls accompanied with huffs and puffs) cum.” When i went to therapy my therapist asked the question why did you continue to talk to him, you could have left the conversation and essentially abandoned ship on that one. I said that's a lot better then what i have done in the past and i think that i deserve more, FUCK i know i deserve more then a 2 minute hand junky! I guess though i should have terminated the discussion when he asked me if i was a woman with a big butt. I don't really know any women that would say in a pleasant way “Yeah, I've got a big butt! And i'm proud of it” Most women think of having a big butt as a disadvantage and in most regular situations it is! I explained my reasoning on answering the question with a plain and simple “i don't know”. Sure i've got an ass that covers 10 counties but it's not because i am happy with it, it's cause i can't lay off the god damn ICE CREAM! (but i didn't tell him that response because i didn't think it would help at all, knowing my luck he would've asked me if i would pour chocolate sauce on it and lick it off like he was having some bodacious sundae) So why didn't i terminate the convo after that question? Well up to that point i was just in shock that if this was that guys pick up routine it was L-A-M-E. But wait this entry isn't over yet because it gets better. He starts telling me that he met a woman from the gym and she was a lot older then him (his response was 43) which is a good 15 years. I didn't know what to say so i said, “well she must have been a babe” WTF was i thinking, she probably had a big butt too! So then he says that he had this weird encounter with her. They were having sex and then he put her underwear on and they finished having sex with her underwear ON HIM. That's right he was wearing her underpants, and he was very clear that he enjoys women in thongs. So knowing his luck it would have been something in the dental floss category. Now i thought, i was shocked before i heard this, but after, my jaw was literally on the floor. All i could say was “Oh.....” and the dot dot dot means dead silence. DEAD like ran over with a car and there's no chance of life ever again. So once i finished saying MATTHEW cum i said that i had to go out, even though i can't really go anywhere since i fell at work and have a cast on my right ankle and left wrist (yep broke both). I figured why prolong this conversation anymore, he was happy with that response because he had band practice or something. I vaguely remember him telling me what instrument he played...........oh yeah that's right..........the SKIN FLUTE!

So my final time asking this question:

WHY DIDN'T I TERMINATE/END THIS CONVERSATION EARLIER?

The answer:

Plain and simple..............

i wanted to share it with you!

Keep on laughing! I know i still am!

you've been warned

2011-09-24T22:06:00.001-06:00

You've Been Warned by James Patterson

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

well i have to say that i found this book hard to put down but it was more for trying to find out what the hell was going on. there was a lot of back and forth of when the time was. then at the end of the book the author's note says "what you just read is the nightmare of anybody who believes in the afterlife. Obviously the story is an allegory about the horrors of an eternity in Hell." So after reading that i was just like are you freaking kidding me. That sort of explains the whole begging and pleading at the end of the story. BUT COME ON james patterson, you're books don't need to reach that far. They are usually quick reads (which this one was), that have a really specialized killer/criminal that is trying to make a point. Like really, do you need to get into the religious sector. I'm sorry buddy but you're no dan brown and certainly no Ken Follett.

Needless to say, i'm still shaking my head at this one.
:0k

View all my reviews

FEAR THE WORST

2011-09-22T17:01:00.001-06:00

Fear the Worst by Linwood Barclay

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was great but then i was kind of let down by the ending. I had read 300 pages and still not figured out who had committed the crime and stuff. The character of Tim Blake is like any desperate father trying to find his daughter. Willing to do anything, no limits. I thought the relationship between him and his ex was bizarre in the fact that they were separated yet the wife made so many comments that she never should have left him. I guess that goes to show that it takes time to reflect on some of the decisions we make. The ex-wife's boyfriend was a bit of a buffoon which was kind funny. Had me saying "He didn't just do that!" quite a bit.

Overall the book was a good read but the ending not so much. It was great that the suspense lasted for so long though and that the mystery was tricky to figure out!

View all my reviews

eclipse

2011-09-17T16:13:00.000-06:00

Eclipse by Richard North Patterson

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This book was very realistic from beginning to end. When quickly reading the afterword it was based on events that actually happened in Nigeria. The characters were believable. It was refreshing to see that the book didn't necessarily end the way most people would want, ie. the american saves the day and gets the girl. It takes the topic of genocide and throws the reader right in the middle of it. It almost makes you feel as if you are there amongst the characters, experiencing this travesty that happens in countries that receive little to no assistance. Legal principles and beliefs are thrown out the door and it's a society that revolves around money. Money made from the oil rigs in the bays, money used to keep people safe, money that has bought the government and it's followers. Very interesting take on a subject that i have not read much about.

View all my reviews

the con-function junction!

2011-09-15T11:58:00.000-06:00

The lyrics from Lisa Loeb's song “Stay” are in my head.

You say I only hear what i want to.

So for some reason i decided to write this poem to certain songs. I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my mind for quite sometime. I guess the best way to describe it is that the words come from a place inside me that i very rarely show in person. I am getting better at asserting myself and trying but the road isn't always that easy. As you readers know, i come here and air out my clean/dirty laundry and i feel better.........relieved, actually. I decided to ponder and write down somethings that are going on in my head. My blog is always a sacred place to me so i figured what a good place to share what i was thinking. I wrote it in poem form to the 2 songs noted. It's still a work in progress but it gets down the 'bones' of what i am feeling.

MY VERSION:

You say i only hear what i want to.
But really you do all the talking, you do.
You want me to keep in touch,
but it doesn't matter much.
You want me to call to find out the case,
i know the answer and i think it's just a waste.

You say i only do what i want to.
That's true, it's just what you do.
You say i don't care, and that's not true
You are the one who doesn't care what i do.

(change song to Natalie Imbruglia's “Torn”)

I watched you change throughout your life
Never seemed to pick up on the real strife
You couldn't be that friend that i adored
You don't seem to care what this friendship's for
I don't know you anymore
It's not like when we used to talk
It's like a blackboard without the chalk.
The conversation has run out,
I don't care what you bitch about.

(change song to Lisa Loeb's “Stay”)

It's supposed be like you were never gonna leave
Instead that idea is just one reprieve.
Say you're gonna call, but you never really do
Say you wanna talk, but it's only about you.
You said that i was naive and, i thought i was strong
I thought hey i can leave, i can leave
And it started me writing this song
I really miss you but i don't know what to say
I want to talk but i leave it just for days
I want to make it work but it's never gonna change
You think we're gettin' closer but we're gettin' more estranged

So that's what i have and that's what i feel. I just tried to write it like a song and it was pretty tricky. It makes me appreciate those who right their own songs and stuff it's really hard. Just had to get this off my chest. I guess the main part is that i never changed. Ok, i did change. I learned to control, discuss and manage my emotions better then i ever have. You were the one that did change. You changed into a person that only cares about them self, and won't listen to anyone else. I don't know what else to say or where to go from here.

it flows through my finger tips!

2011-09-12T14:45:00.001-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPTlhBmwRg&feature=feedf

So it's been a while since i've written an uplifting post. I have some theme music playing and i am just going to write till i can't anymore.

My head bops to the beat. A rhythmical up and down, slowly going through out my body. My fingers type like a gattling gun. Then the shoulders dip from side to side. If i didn't have 2 casts on i would crank the music loud and dance my little heart out. The theme for this little, happy outburst is MOVES LIKE JAGGER. Adam Levine croons to perfection and then there's the robust holler from Christina. The guitar chants to me at the beginning of the song, causing my air guitar to come out of nowhere.The flowing moving arms start to flail. The disco snaps fade in and out. The jersey shore fist pump smashes the air a little bit (i'm doing this with my good hand! Now i'm really into it bc i am watching the music video and it's even better. The sway of the hips. The flash dance type of scenario. AND LET'S FACE IT ADAM LEVINE AND HIS TATS ARE SEXY!!!!! The disco confetti flies and it truly is a party that everyone wants to be at. The only complaint i have is that the end of the music is pretty abrupt.

CHANGE THE TUNE

Something more mellow and chill starts to sooth my soul. Breath in, breath out. Take a minute and just let everything fade into the background. “You're the only thing i need to get by” gets sung and in a way i sort of agree. With who or what is a question left unanswered, it's not the answer that matters. It's the admission of the fact. Ideas start to run through my head. Times that i have been left by people that i thought would have stayed with me. Times that i have tried to leave things and i just couldn't. I'm in a better place and if i can reflect within the context of a song then fine, as long as at the end of that 3 mins or so i can let go.

CHANGE THE TUNE

Pounding on the piano chords. My foot starts to bounce along. The jazz bugles behind the beautiful song of the artist.

CHANGE THE SUBJECT

I started school on Wednesday of last week. It was the first night of class for my ECE Apprenticeship program. I think that my school has been my saving grace. With all the time that i have on my hands i have been productive and making notes. It keeps my brain active and it saves me having to rush at a later time to make them. The one part of my notes has gotten sort of scientific which i am not a big fan of. I really hope that is not a big part of this schooling bc when in highschool i hated science....and i still pretty much do. There's lots of theories and stuff and it's pretty interesting.

Listen to my theme song from the start once more and then back to notes! Nice break!

the second opinion

2011-09-05T07:18:00.001-06:00

Second Opinion by Michael Palmer

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

this book had an awesome start out of the gate. there was lots of medical jargon and occurrences, it was almost like ER or Chicago Hope (tv medical dramas). then it happened, the main character met a man and started to fall in love, which turned her into a ball of marshmallow fluff (i am using that bc i don't really like it and it's a fake substance). he was constantly wondering about having sex with the dude and what he would think about her. it really detracted from the main storyline which was she was trying to find out who had put her father in a coma and wanted him dead. as the story plays out there's many twists and turns but the thing i noticed was that the writing started to get very lax as it went on. although i didn't see it coming from the beginning the ending was very predictable after reading it, and had me thinking "why didn't you see that coming". once i read who the bad guy was it was very hard for me to keep reading the book bc i just didn't care what happened any more. this book gets only 2 stars, would have given it 2.5 but that's it.

View all my reviews

how many times.....

2011-09-04T19:49:00.002-06:00

So this is a picture of him...............

who- without naming names he's an ex of mine from many moons ago

how- not sure how he came into my brain

what- i just look at this picture and i remember all the good times and how much i cared about him. The passion, the fire. The romantic gaze from those ice blue eyes. I look at this picture and i feel like he is staring right into me and my soul. I can't get you out of my head. Maybe it's because i'm injured and my brain has nothing better to do then remind me of the past. Something keeps telling me to message you and see how things are going. What's new in your life? What are you up to? Then a giant part of me says no, don't go there it will just end up in a mound of pain and confusion oh yeah and my favourite partner....REJECTION. Things are different now. On the norm i have a job that i love. I have a decent/good relationship with my parents. I love to travel and make a point of going somewhere each year. So i was browsing again and i think i saw a picture of his and her cats. I think i am going to abandon ship on this idea............which may not be so bad after all. Stupid me.......now i will probably beat myself up over this for the next few days. Better now then later i guess.

What if- would i have liked the opportunity to talk to him and have a decent conversation, for sure. I guess i would want approval that i am living on my own and have been doing so for 3.5 years. I would want to show him that i am certainly not as crazy now as i was back then. I don't know why i want to prove something to someone that isn't even remotely involved in my life now, but that's the way it feels. I guess he still holds a place in my heart..............fuck............. i know he will always hold a place in my heart.............that's the worst part..................just knowing it :0(

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

2011-09-01T06:55:00.000-06:00

Run for Your Life by James Patterson

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

i have to say that i was surprised. i had read a michael bennett book not that long ago. there were several things that i didn't like and more importantly, didn't believe. this book was different i actually liked it. the killer was amazing and the fact that he committted murders in broad daylight in heavily populated areas was even better. the character of bennett was still lame though. this book was a quick read though and it reminded me of the old james patterson that i loved reading all the time.

View all my reviews

the art of racing in the rain

2011-08-29T15:29:00.000-06:00

The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

so everyone starts their review for this book by saying "wow it was written from a dog's perspective", and i agree with that but i also think it's a wonderful and challenging way to write a book. since we can only imagine what dogs think about our mannerisms it was refreshing to see how Stein gave enzo the personal qualities of a human. i loved the philosophy that enzo believed and even better that he states he watched it on national geographic. enzo's owner denny had more then the average rough go. he loses his wife, he almost loses his daughter (well he does for a significant amount of time), and then he loses his dog.this also brought to life the philosophy that things happen in threes. enzo has a vibrant personality and witty comments and actions that he thinks and does are what truly gives him an amazing character. he's a dog with morals and values and he certainly believes in karma, or king karma as he calls it. the ending of this story was a well rounded closure to a beautifully told tale. you really don't want the story to end but when it does you kind of channel the character of denny and are able to take a breath and smile.

ONE OF MY FAV PARTS- how enzo described taking the ride in the car on the race track. bark twice if you want to go faster .............ruff,ruff!

View all my reviews

THE HELP

2011-08-27T06:19:00.000-06:00

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

My rating: 5 of 5 stars

this was a wonderful book. my personal thought was that the author, kathryn stockett, channeled the character of miss skeeter. the author has all the same qualities that miss skeeter's character has. i thought it was very very interesting that she would write a book from a perspective that she could relate to. i loved the characters of aibileen and minny. hilly had me disliking her right from the start. hilly got what she deserved and it still doesn't change her thoughts or anything, she is stuck in her racist mode. i really enjoyed the character of lil man and how he liked to hide things, like silverware, toys, etc., in his diaper and his crib. mae mobley developed into a well rounded un-racist child and that is all thanks to aibileen. well told story and definitely surpassed my expectations. the writing style was not magnificent but i will let that pass bc towards the end it was hard to put down.

View all my reviews

GIMPY-FIED = A WARY BRAIN

2011-08-19T14:21:00.000-06:00

I APOLOGIZE BEFORE I EVEN START BC I CANNOT TYPE PROPERLY AS IT IS ONLY WITH ONE HAND. THERE MAY BE SOME GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AS WELL AS SOME CONSTRUCTUAL ERRORS BUT I'M DOING THE BEST WITH WHAT I'VE GOT.

Situation-

i was at work when i fell in the playground. I heard/ felt a snap in my right ankle. I thought that i would be alright and that i just needed to take my time getting up. As i tried to get up things went hazy and i passed out. I woke up wondering where i was and soon came to the realization that i had fallen at work. The 911 services were called and some firemen and the ambulance arrived. I was put in a temporary leg splint and wrist splint and i was ferried away to the nearest hospital, which happens to be 5 – 10 minutes from work.

Mental situation -

at the time of the incident all i could think of was “wow, you're such an idiot for doing this at work.” apologies flew out of my mouth faster then breaths. I was sorry about absolutely everything. You name it, i was sorry about it. I was worried that my job might fire me bc of the occurrence. I was afraid of how i looked. I was worried that the kids would be afraid of the people that would have to come help me. I wanted to be strong for the kids more then for myself. I was bombarded with negative judgements and put downs. Positivity was not an option. My brain was speeding out of control, thoughts progressing through faster and faster with no chance of slowing down.

Aftermath -

i have a sprained wrist which i believe is more then a sprain. I have a bone chip/fractured ankle. I have a splint on my wrist that cost $30 and a huge walking aircast on my ankle that cost $190. i have a prescription for pain meds that i only will take at night bc i don't want to be a zombie during the day. I am dependent on whoever is talking care of me. I can't hardly pull up my underwear and pants after going to the washroom. I don't walk i waddle. I personify what i would consider GIMPY-FIED. I am as useless as a fifth tit on a goat. I'm frustrated. I hate that i am dependent but i will do whatever it takes to keep going through this. I am not planning ahead to next week or the week after, i am trying to just get through today. Then, when i lay my head down to sleep, i go to never never land and i get up the next morning to do it all again. I hope that from some of the things i learned the day before i can refine how i do certain things, ie. Putting clothing on, so that it is a little easier then before. I waste my days (so far 2.5 days) watching movies and majority of them are bad. I can't put my hair up on my own and my mum has been doing an awesome job of being my hair dresser. The good things are few and far between but when they're there they make a giant difference. A delicious bowl of whole wheat white cheddar mac & cheese is comforting like a warm blanket. My cat, Zoe, watches over me at night when i sleep. I fall asleep petting her giving myself a different type of therapy. My other cat, Abby, is complete sass giving me dirty looks and avoiding being outside. She makes me chuckle a little bit. for live entertainment, she's pretty boring but it's the small things she does that bring a smile to my face. My mum brushing my hair gives me a touch of peace, just like listening to a waterfall. The coolness of a sip of water takes any sign of parching away. The words of my therapist “it is what it is” are a constant mantra to keep me from beating myself up with berating thoughts and ideas. The hum of the air conditioner and computer keep me grounded. My eyes are heavy and my body is week but not ready for the calm of sleep.

STATEMENT OF FACT: THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THAT WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN. MY MUM AND MY BLOG. BOTH OFFER MY TROUBLED MIND SANCTUARY IN TROUBLED TIMES. THANKS FOR BEING THERE CONSTANTLY.

Lunch In Paris

2011-08-15T16:45:00.001-06:00

Lunch in Paris: A Love Story, with Recipes by Elizabeth Bard

My rating: 4 of 5 stars

This was a delightful read. The words were like a comforting meal making you feel cozy and warm. The descriptions were written with great care and love. While you are on a journey that involves dishes that might belong in heaven, there is the descriptions of the wonderful city of Paris. Not only was the adventure in the Louvre just like one that i have taken in my imagination but it took all the poignant pictures to history and gave them a personality of their own. The Mona Lisa with that peculiar smile as if she is hiding something...but what? Only she would know! The glass pyramid constructed by IM PEI that gathers sunlight and makes it glaze over the floor of the modern day museum. It was wonderful and it was like the perfect journey to Paris only without having to leave your home, your comfortable surroundings. Pure bliss.

View all my reviews

A Case of Need

2011-08-06T16:08:00.001-06:00

A Case of Need by Michael Crichton

My rating: 3 of 5 stars

I enjoyed this book bc it was about the taboo topic of abortion. The characters were well developed and the main character of John Berry was interesting to follow. Another thing i really enjoyed about this book was the scattering of medical jargon within the text. It was like a reality episode of ER or some other popular medical drama. Although i have seen the subject of an abortion going wrong and the patient dying, this was a very good perception. The one thing that wasn't believable was the timeline. I highly doubt that all of the content could have happened within a week, and that made it a little less believable. The ending was a little predictable but was decent and packed with lots of action, which made me want to keep reading and finish.

View all my reviews

Carriers by Patrick Lynch

2011-07-30T08:52:00.000-06:00

Carriers by Patrick Lynch

My rating: 2 of 5 stars

This book is advertised as comparable to Hot Zone by Richard Preston. The only similarity between the two books is that they both involve serious viruses that are terminal. The layout of the book was poor and the characters and story line were very bland. I am being quite harsh with this book because Hot Zone is my all time favourite and it's very hard to beat. I did like the twist this book took when the Indian government sent the soldiers in to find the girls and irradicate the illness by killing it's carriers/host. That was very interesting and indepth. As for the ending, it was very unbelievable and silly.

View all my reviews

I deserve better

2011-07-21T18:04:00.001-06:00

I've never felt so under appreciated and unwanted as now. It all started yesterday and has rapidly declined.

Dad spoke to me early in the morn yesterday and said, “I haven't seen you all week. I would like to have you over for dinner.” I said sure and was looking forward to that. I knew that he had a prior engagement to help a friend with a job. Around 137pm i receive a message on my voicemail saying “Hi Sarah! I'm going to X's for dinner. Bye.”

I WAS PISSED. Dad made a huge song and dance that he hadn't seen me all week and that we would reconnect at dinner. When i was going through my issues with drugs, I did this to him several times. I relive it constantly all the time as it still gets thrown in my face what a bad daughter i was.(i was bad, i'm not denying it but i have learned from my mistakes and had to pay for it dearly.) So when my dad does it to me he thinks that he should just get away with it and that whatever excuse he throws out should be acceptable. So i was being assertive today and i told him that i did not like how he treated me yesterday and reminded him that when i did that to him it was a big production. He asked, “What was i supposed to do? I said i was going to help my friend and i couldn't let him down.” I said, “I realize that but when the friend mentioned that he was going to X's for dinner that Dad should have said No thanks i have plans with Sarah. But no he couldn't do that. He bailed on me and now thinks that i have no reason to be mad or anything.

Today.
I have had my ASSERTIVE discussion with dad and i had to say that i was hanging up the phone because i could not deal with him being indecisive and changing plans every 2 minutes. He was also saying things that were not pertinent to what we were talking about and just spewing random stuff. I had a cold shower and i decided that i did not have enough clothes to choose from for golf tomorrow. I had a pile of laundry that was clean at dad's house so i was going over to get it. I get to his house and i open the door and there is no one in the house. So i grab my laundry and leave a note and decide that i am going to see if he is down with his new 'friends'. Of course he sees me there and he starts heading back to his apt on his bike. I GROW MORE LIVID THEN I ALREADY WAS. I get more mad and i consider driving away but then he start waving me into a parking spot. I lost it. I was just like, “Holy you can't be without these people for 2 seconds. I just spoke to you about this.” He starts with the useless excuses as to why it's ok and that he has his reasons.

Then i hit the nail on the head. I said that I am tired of being put second best to people that aren't even his fucking family. He puts these people on a pedestal yet he dumps all over the people he says he considers important. I call my mum to vent and she starts to tell me how it is and that she knows what it's like because she put up with this treatment for 30 years and she finally put her foot down.

The thing that my therapist says that stays with me constantly is that “JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FAMILY DOESN”T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SHIT”. This is an example that i am going to use it. I am putting my foot down. I am a person and i deserve to be treated like one. I don't need him to keep doing this. It's clearly evident that he does not want to spend time with me, more like it's a chore for him. So fine, I won't be around to do that. I am just going to do what i need, and at this time I need to stand up for myself and be assertive.

Tat Tales......Of Woe and Not So Woe

2011-07-14T13:44:00.005-06:00

So i was browsing around on youtube and i found some interesting stuff. I was looking at peircings and tattoos. This post might not be for the faint of heart so if certain things make you sick, I'm sorry! I found this subject really interesting.

EYEBALL TATTOOING

For those of us who want the white part of our eyeball to be a different colour, such as black, red or blue, this is for you. I watched the procedure on Youtube and it's quite intense. A person has their eyeball held open and then someone VERY CAREFULLY inserts a needle with ink and gently puts a little bit of colour on the area underneath the surface. As a person blinks the dye/ink is spread around by itself. This form of tattooing is highly dangerous and one slip with the needle could leave the person getting the tattoo blind. The technical name for eyeball tattooing is CORNEAL TATTOOING. Dangers associated with this procedure are blood vessels, perforation, hemorrhaging or infection. A man in Toronto was one of the first people to have this done and it took up to 40 injections to get his cornea the colour he wanted and for the white to be completely covered.

My Take – Wow! Some people are really ramping up the body modifications. I'm not sure what look people are trying to convey by doing this but different is sure it. Seeing people with different coloured corneas would make you look twice at a person. Maybe they want to be different or they have personal motives that are driving them to such enhancements. All i know is that i would never undergo this procedure. The fact that someone would have to hold my eyeball open so that it would be ready to receive a needle several times gives me the willies. Not something that i will ever see myself doing. The dangers are enough to scare me permanently as well as drive me away from even considering this minute figment of someone else's imagination. For those that are considering this, i'm not knocking it i'm just saying Holy shit you're brave!

LASER TATTOO REMOVAL

This is a procedure people get when they want to get rid of a tattoo for many reasons. The procedure sounds very creepy. It's like a klacker constantly going off and crazy speeds. This procedure says that it can get rid of any tattoo in any colour of ink. The light from the laser breaks down the tattoo particles into smaller sizes so that the body can emit them. It is suggested that there is little risk of scarring or damage. The sensation is compared to that of a quick snap by a rubber band.

My Take – Ouch! The sound of burning my skin off just to remove a past mistake is as likely as me getting my eyeball tattoo'd. Reading suggests that this isn't supposed to hurt but most people getting it done are using numbing creme and grimacing like the area that is getting done is going to fall off. For those that have big tattoos that they want removed it's going to take more then 1 session for it to be fully gone. Ya right....... going back every 6-8 weeks multiple times does not sound like pleasure. I can understand that it provides a person a second chance or a restart. It takes away the past. People are made to wear goofy glasses to protect their eyes but it's more like the doctor really wants to make them look like an ass so that they remember not to get a tattoo they will regret. Cruel and unusual punishment some might say.

So this is what i spent my time looking up this afternoon and informing myself about. It was interesting but scary. As much as i may dislike a tattoo i would never get it removed. I love all my tattoos but one. It's a little dark and doesn't look like what i wanted it but that's my fault not the tattoo artists. Some people say that it looks like a pentagram (which is a sign of witches). My reasoning for getting it was i wanted it to match my one anklet tattoo and also have a star in it. My friend said that if i was going to be in her wedding that i would have to get a special creme to cover it up because she would not that in her wedding pictures. Originally i said yes i would agree to it but then i thought about it. It doesn't bother me much at all. It's there but i don't notice it anymore because i have had it so long. Then i started to think that if said friend didn't like any of my tats would she want me to cover them all up. Alas the wedding fell through. I decided that if she was going to want me to wear this cover up creme that she was going to buy it because i don't care about it that much and if it bothered her so much then that was fine. It was a thing of my sporadic/impulsive past. Sure it doesn't look like what i wanted but it could definitely be a lot worse. The one thing about each and every one of my tattoos is that they remind me of a story or a time in my life. All tattoos should have a reason or story. Something that when you look at them speaks you as their canvas that they have decorated. Art has many meanings to people. That's the best part is that it's private and personal, yet creative and wonderful......ah the life of a tattoo!

My Afternoon Off!

2011-07-13T13:56:00.003-06:00

So i am sitting on my balcony writing this blog post. It has been a while but what a perfect time for writing. The weather is gorgeous and i am sitting on my balcony, which i rarely do, and here is a couple of pictures!

I must say i don't know why i haven't done this sooner it's so pleasant....anyway on to the blog post.

So as we know i work in a daycare. I really enjoy my job because i get to be around kids and see some of the amazing things that they do. Kids have their own personality, whether it be creative, active or both. They say some of the weirdest things. Since I work with 2-3 year olds specifically, they are at the perfect age where they are learning lots and not really sassy. There are some that are sassy but not as much as you would see from kids that are older. So a co-worker posted this link on her facebook and it was something i couldn't resist looking at. It's for a book called Go the F**k to Sleep. Since the Day Nurseries Act says that the kids have to be on their bed for 1 hour per day it's truly fitting. Some kids aren't used to having naps but the usually get accustomed to our ways and they end up having a rest and the day starts in the afternoon all fresh and new. Please listen to this clip from YouTube, and try not to laugh too hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56gdg2ntfwM&feature=related

I work with a lot of women which i have tried to do before and can i just say, having that many cats in the same bag is not condusive for keeping your sanity. Somebody is always scratching at another or there is a constant growl that lingers between certain people. I work with someone right now and i hate to say it but she has lost her passion. She's almost like Lynn Crawford on Pitchin' In, but with a more nasty attitude and demeanor. I used to work well with her but then i started noticing changes in her personality and work. (Now i want to state for the record that i am considered below her in the chain of command but i am still considered a real staff and my bosses say 'an asset to the daycare'.) This particular staff: favouritizes children (and if you aren't her favourite that sucks to be you!), she is forceful with kids and just not nice. I am unsure as to what i am to do about the situation for now i am just keeping track of things that i think are totally inappropriate. This makes me think about it though, you should never do stuff that you are not comfortable to back up because somebody could be watching. I never do anything at daycare that i would not be able to say this is why i did this. I try to keep with the protocol and rules and i also realize that if i don't i will get in trouble (and rightfully so!). I guess the main reason i am writing this is to partially get it off my chest. It makes it hard to go to work when a certain person is always delegating and being bossy and nasty when it's not their job. You readers listen and i can say anything that i need to you, wholeheartedly and with peace of mind. Now in every work area there is going to be a couple of bad eggs intertwined with some decent people. I have a couple of people who i work with that vouch for me and i can talk to them. I am shouting out to the them and saying thanks for being there.

Books. I LOVE BOOKS. They come in various shapes and sizes and carry literary goodness. Some like fact and other fiction. Biographic tales that inform us of people and their lives or troubles. Culinary adventures that give readers a true 'Taste' of the art. Educational excursions that take you to foreign lands within the comfortable realm of your home. Classics that reign true in our hearts and our minds. If you click at the bottom where my reading collection is you will find some truly wonderful books that should be read as well as were a pleasure to read.

Garlic and Sapphires – Ruth Reichl
Prisoner of Birth – Jeffery Archer
Kane and Abel – Jeffery Archer
Memoirs of a Geisha -
The Sharper Your Knife the Less You Cry -
Serve the People -
Steve and Me – Terry Irwin
Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen

Those are just to name a few but you will find many others in that list.

Well i have written a little bit. I hope to write to you again on the weekend!

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

2011-05-14T09:31:00.004-06:00

So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.

MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)

NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!

THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).

PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.

SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.

the therapist says....

2011-04-13T18:36:00.000-06:00

If life were a box of chocolates, there would be so many choices!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wp3m1vg06Q
Here is the famous I Love Lucy episode at the chocolate factory!
This episode makes me think of so many things. Good thing we all aren't chocolates in Lucy's box or we'd all be eaten!

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

This is something my therapist is working with me on. The main point of radical acceptance is to accept things the way they are. It's like an 'is what it is' stance on life. Radical acceptance does not mean that you approve of something.
This is the definition that i found:
“Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.”

Out of all the strategies i am learning/have learned about to assist me, this is the one that i find the hardest. It's like trying to live your life without judgements but harder. Hell, all the strategies are hard, and some drive me batty just thinking about them. This one takes the cake. I have tried to add things to my daily mantra, such as the phrase “it is what it is”. I was depressed one time and i actually bought a cake with the saying on it and every time i had a piece of cake i was reminded. This method may not be advisable as you could possibly end up eating the cake by yourself, but it sure did help me. There are some examples that come to mind, where i used this and it actually reduced mental anguish and anxiety. Eg. Not getting riled up or upset about scheduling issues at work, having a day where everything seems to be going wrong, accepting that you don't really like a dear friends boyfriend but still trying to remember that it is her choice who she is with, understanding that there will always be some type of drama within your immediate family. Like i said, some of these are easier to work on and deal with then others, but it's the fact that you notice and are trying to make a change in your life. Small steps eventually will lead to giant leaps, and sure there will be the occasional set back, but we all have those from time to time.
A good personal example for me was that i used to get riled up about the scheduling at work. I thought it wouldn't be that hard to do and it's all about timing and making everything go together smoothly without disruption of a well working wheel. I never understood why one person would have lunch at one time and then the next day it would be at a totally different time. It got to the point where it drove me batty.... so batty, i ended up getting sick from stress and drama that i had riled up myself. So i went to my therapist and said, “I need to learn how to deal with this so that i am not getting sick about something i have no control over, or power to change.” She calmly looked at me and said, “This is a perfect time to practice radical acceptance. You can't change anything about the situation. You have no power regarding it. It is what it is. The time spent worrying and thinking about it gets you more upset you and angry. Is it really worth putting that much energy into when all it does it make you upset and angry, and then you get more upset and angry when you vent about it or re-hash it.” So i took those words of wisdom and changed my approach to the way things were carried on at work. When someone would/does ask me “Why are you working that shift? Why have they got you coming back at such and such a time? Etc.” I simply just say “I don't know” and put my hands up in the air in the all around sign for i don't know, maybe throw in a shoulder shrug to complete it. Now sometimes i say it with attitude or roll my eyes, but in the end that is not the appropriate thing to do because it conveys my displeasure of what is going on..... That's where judgements come into play, and i am trying to work hard on them as well. Judgements occur every minute of everyday of our lives. Whether we are judging ourselves, family, friends, co-workers or anyone else we have contact with. The point is to notice that you are making them and re-phrase the statement to exclude the judgements. A wise person summed it up as using only “Facts and Emotions”.
Eg. (This commonly happens to me!) You're driving on the road and a person turns in front of your car when they clearly do not have enough time or it's not their right of way. I usually say something like, DORK!, IDIOT!, MORON!, or a long list of expletives depending on the severity. I should notice that i am judging, which i usually do, but then the next step is to take the judgement and re-frame it. So only using facts and emotions, re-framing the above (single word statement) “It makes me angry when people swerve in front of me on the road.” It's the long version but it is non-judgemental.

i'm still alive but i'm going on vacay very soon!!

2011-04-11T16:38:00.002-06:00

Well here i am again apologizing for a long over due blog post. It's been quite a while since my last post and i have been busy and blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. What really encouraged me to write again was, i got the following comments from readers:

“i keep checking back anxiously awaiting a new post from your ever so interesting life!!! and nothing!!! get on it girl :)

from a fan”

“This is wonderful blog. I love it.”

“i wish u would write more about yr tats. that would be cool to know.'

So i thought to myself, my blog is not a site that people have to go to. Some find it in their travels, some look for it and well the rest, I'm not too sure about. But from comments like that, how could i not write again. It might take a day or two to come with a post that contains all the up to date information i want but i figured that people get something from my blog, just like i get something from writing it. People clearly enjoy reading it, whether it be hilarious or emotional, or my battle with my latest demons. I guess my blog is not only and information point but also a place where people can say in an informal way “I get what you're going through” or “I feel the same way”. Yep you got it, i have statcounter which tracks how many people visit my site. And over the last 4 and a bit years it's been over 18,000 people. Now for a blog that is just my sanctuary for me to write whatever i please i think that number is great. There are a lot of first timers but the thing that i enjoy most is there is more and more returning visitors. (I must be doing something right....right?) So a large apology once again, and i know you readers understand that life gets in the way but that is no excuse to pause the saga of SG!

WORK

I want to say that the people i work with are a good gang and especially in the room i work in. We enjoy the kids and we definitely are a good mixture of personalities that work well off of each other. Having a job that i like makes the most of everyday that i work. Work usually flies by and i have been employed there for 7 months at the end of April. I get to see children doing the most simple of activities, ie. Teaching themselves how to use a scooter, learning how to talk, developing social relationships, etc. As i watch these examples progress and move forward, I find it totally fascinating. The most recent being a girl that is in my room, taught herself how to use a scooter. She was resilient and kept trying even though she fell pretty hard a few times. She didn't shed a tear and she was determined to not let the scooter get the best of her. Now keep in mind the kids i work with are between the ages of 2 and 3 years old. So watching this girl progress and not get discouraged was a perfect metaphor for a lot of things. She could have let herself cry and get upset when she took her first tumble but because she is a strong willed young girl she battled that beast of a scooter and in the end triumphed.

TV
With another season of Jersey Shore finished, I am once again sad to see it go. I enjoy this show so much. It's a drama pirates delight. There's tons of booty and a large quantity of loot displayed. Snooki with her poof-a-matic hair (insert an air nozzle and watch it grow before your eyes), forget Jenni it's more like Jenni's boobs (Jwoww is my fav chick character for sure though). Mike the “Snitch-uation” aptly named by Vinny. DJ Pauly D with his defying gravity hair. Vinny (there's not much to say about him because he's my favourite guy character). And lastly of course, i can't forget to mention Ron (his laugh is like steve urkel gone wrong!). People that don't make my favs list are Sammi (the sneaky bitch) and sorry Deena but you make this list too because even though you're a blast in a glass you just didn't make the cut. Now if you haven't watched the roast of donald trump i will just let you in on a little secret, just because the characters on jersey shore are great on that tv show, doesn't mean they should try anything else, like the Situation tried to do comedy and sadly failed. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtNmatV7-Ls) It's more like the introduction of him was hilarious and his own routine flopped...big surprise. And this version of the clip is also perfect for displaying when he FAILs! Sure opening your own tanning bronzer product line (Jwoww) or fashion line (Snooki) is a great idea but please STAY AWAY FROM COMEDY...

VACAY
Once again i am the trip down south to see and live with my other half.... my bffx7. I got a great deal on a flight and my job had no problem with me going on vacay. I am going to be spending my Easter Holiday with my bffx7. We are going to run the isle Rs&Sg style! Get ready Cayman bc you won't be able to handle it. We are going to eat and treat like queens. We are going to take horses swimming in the Caribbean Sea. Crystal blue will be our foreground and sky blue will be our back drop. I went today and got my travel insurance (just to be safe!) and the 9 days are going to fly by. I can't wait to have favourite meals that i look forward to all year round till i go. Indian, Italian, Ala Kebab, and so much more. I don't know but i might be even as adventurous to try turtle an island delicacy. So here is my dedication to you my Rs. You are the bread to my butter. The milk in my hot chocolate. The caramel in my macchiatto. You are the vinegar for my chips. The ink to my tattoo. Without one there is no other half. I can't wait to see you and be with you for 9 special days. That's a shout out just for you!

END OF UPDATE
I know i only gave you three categories and an apology but i will have time when i am on holidays to shout out to my followers! I promise i will keep you updated as to how my adventures go and whether or not i get another tattoo! Love you all from the bottom of my heart <3

Ps- I have been clean of my habits of pot usage for 158 days and smoke from ciggies for 67! I'm keeping up the progress and am more then happy with how i am feeling!

Round and round we go ...

2011-01-03T18:04:00.004-06:00

I have come to realize that quite often people forget where they are from and who they used to be. This is a sad factor but it is a recurring theme in today's society. Since society focuses on the individual and where they want to be in life. Often this means, stepping on the 'little' guy or changing your morals and values so that they are more self-driven. Sadly, as each person tries to focus more on their selves, they forget the original person they were. Things that most people take on as adventures themselves, they employ others to do for them. Examples include: dogwalkers, nannies, cleaners, etc. Now while i am hiring a cleaner, i am also included in this self-fulfilling prophecy. There are a few reasons why i hired a cleaner: i hate cleaning, i am not willing to all the cleaning required by myself, i would rather focus my efforts on trying to live a happy life instead of cleaning constantly and being depressed or disgruntled, A MAJOR POINT: i know by hiring a cleaner on a regular basis they know what needs to be done to keep a healthy and sanitary environment. Essentially the way i look at hiring a cleaner helps to ease my depression and i can put all my efforts into expanding on my skills and schooling which in turn will help move me ahead with my career. Before when i was spending money frivilously on POT, i would spend at least 80-150 on my habit, so i put that money towards having a cleaner. I think this is a healthy choice because i am living in a better environment and it does ease some of my worries/depression. In certain areas hiring people to do such tasks is a norm. Now because someone has hired a person to do something for them does not mean that i am going to judge them. I understand that people want to move ahead with their careers, want to keep working while having kids, etc. Just because people hire others for them though does not mean that they are BETTER than everyone else. Society says that people are allowed to do things but the things they do should not make them any better then anyone else. Yes a millionaire may have more money then the average person but that is not what makes them a decent person. It's by how people act towards one another. The millionaire could be a miserable person and 'hate' life, whereas the average person could be a happy person and enjoy life even though they cannot buy everything that comes into their head. Many would think that the millionaire would have no reason to be disgruntled with life but this is a major example of "money cannot buy happiness". Many people that are financially wealthy are very depressed and have issues with drugs, alcohol or other substances. They involve themself with these activities because they want to numb the pain they feel or fit in. So when society starts putting people in CLASSES i start to question who is the inventor of this policy. The classicism issue is one that is administered most often by the government and they focus on money being the deciding factor as to what class they are in. Instead of bringing our country together this divides and quite often alienates people. People get put in groups by what they have and do not have. The Have's and Have Not's is unfair to people. Instead of people being individuals they are lumped into monetary groups. It makes me sad to see people that are struggling and therefore i will try to help them out. I feel that if i have some extra that i can spread to someone that has 'nothing' it is only fair that i share. Charity and donations in a round about way are a self fulfilling method. Anyone who gives to charity does so to help and the act of helping makes them feel good. So essentially when helping others helps you feel good, is society truly an individualistic way of life that we are all working to better ourselves? ...........some food for thought.

A place i can call my sanctuary

2011-01-01T18:03:00.003-06:00

YeaH I'm down and there's nothing i can do about it. No matter what i try it just feels like i am spiraling down, down, down. My dad seemed to have me under a magnifying glass which does not help matters. It's like he points something out and i feel put on the spot and then i react. My reactions of late are not tempered and i get agitated and frustrated very easily. Too easily almost. i have suffered with mental illness for 12 years now and it has been a long and dreary path. The most positive thing that has come out of it is my new therapist who teaches me skills of mindfulness and not being judgemental. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and accepting how you feel at that time. The judgements are a little bit harder and more tedious to combat. Regarding the judgements i have to realize that there is not just black or white but there are many shades of gray. The variety of grays opens many doors and windows. With borderline personality disorderr, it is very common to have black/white thinking, so introducing non-judgemental thinking is a notorious task. Things are not good/bad, or naughty/good. There are the triggers that cause a feeling and then there is an explanation for the feeling evolved from that trigger. For example, I do not like that book because i feel it is unrealistic about the events that happened. That would be a factual way of describing why you do not like a book. Instead of being like the average joe and just saying "I don't like that," it's more about the reasoning and the facts why you don't like it. Using a simple phrase is easier compared to the non-judgemental way but the non-judgemental way takes the black/white thinking out of the equation. So to change the disposition of the beginning of this post would be "I am feeling depressed and see everything in negative light currently, therefore making it very hard for me."

Tonight is a good night for abstinence, although my mind tried to coerce me into having some pot. I have been very good, minus a slip up here and there (only 2) but i need to keep thinking that just because i fell off the wagon does not negate the progress that i have made. I am working with 58 days of sobriety from my habit that did not help me (another phrase without a judgement!) My dad suggested that i start over since i had my slips but i said there is no way that i am starting from day 1. I was and am determined to keep going with this. Tonight my brain kept taunting me saying "Oh you can have just one and you will be fine. One popper won't hurt." I say NO! Keep with the positive flow! If i can experience the emotions that i am having and remain clean for another night that is a battle well won. I did and am getting down on myself that my brain would try to fool me into thinking that it would be ok. It just wants the depression to subside for a bit but will smoking my brains out be a good way to put away my feelings. No! If anything i would much rather read and go to bed and actually sleep instead of be conscious and have to deal with my feelings. I think that sleeping, even though an avoidist measure, is better then the alternative.

So in my time of need i come to you dear reader to voice my thoughts, feelings and concerns. Nothing feels better then writing and getting everything, or most things, out of my brain. I can write without interruption and it challenges me because i try to phrase things is a well-spoken/written manner. I know that whatever i write, in this sacred space i have created, will not be judged or used against me in any way, shape or form. Here is the one place where i can be myself and say what is truly on my mind without censorship. For that i am thankful. For that i am lucky. So many people do not have an outlet to vent or say what is really on their minds. This blog is not about the fame or how many readers come to my site to see what i have written. It is my place for truth, honesty and feelings. A place i can come and share my tales and travels and let them just be. A place i call my sanctuary.

Blah blah blah, nothing exciting just updates

2010-12-19T17:47:00.002-06:00

So the farm finally closed and my dad is just getting the rest of his stuff out and cleaning today. Tonight is his first night at his new place. I hope he has a good night and is comfy. Finally he gets to have a somewhat normal life and not have to worry about doing farm chores anymore.

Tomorrow is the first time my cleaning lady comes. I am very excited, I even took some intiative and cleaned out some cupboards so that they are more organized. I got most of the bottles left from my 'so called' friends. I am hoping that with the cleaning lady doing what she does i will be able to sort some areas out and de-clutter the apartment. This will make things better and i will be able to focus on my laundry and stuff. That will make things better, i know it will.

So more the more important dilemma is what to get my people for Christmas. I am really struggling with what to get the few people i have to buy for. I am shopping for my mum and dad and my bffx7 and her hubby to be. The problem with mum and dad is that i just don't know what to get them bc i normally get them really good ideas and stuff but i just have a giant brain block. Nothing comes to mind. I have got them one gift each but that's it, and even that gift isn't that creative. It's something useful, or what i thought would be a good relaxation gift. My bffx7 and hubby to be i am totally lost. She requested that i only get hubby to be a gift that is small and around $10, bc he has to travel with it. Her gift has to be relatively small as well bc she has to travel back to Paradise with it. Gah! If you have any suggestions or ideas please send them, i am in desperate need of help!

My dear friend Sm was over the other night with a friend of hers. It was the first time i met this friend but he was a really nice person for the first meet and greet. Can't wait till Sm is home for Christmas break. We might be going to the movies on tuesday or something but i am not sure. My mum has decided she is coming down for a visit on tuesday and i am uber excited about that. I haven't seen my mum since she moved up to the cottage so i think it will be good times. She will get to see what the cleaning lady did and we are going to talk about how good it is. I am also excited to show her some of my new organization in the few areas i did today.

I am almost done reading this Jodi Piccoult book called Perfect Match. This book was a giant disappointment. I thought it was going to be really good. I was intrigued and wanted to keep reading and then i reached the 200 pg mark and the book just went down hill. The subject was a prosecutor that finds out that her son has been sexually abused by a priest at her church. Trying to find out who actually committed the crime was ridiculous bc it was like a totally guessing game. The child suffered some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that caused him to be mute and when they were trying to find out who hurt him the similarities in the names were so close that it was just like "Oh it wasn't this guy, it was him bc the character had some excuse as to how he pronounced letters and stuff", the excuses were endless. Now i am not making light of the situation because i wanted to find out who hurt the boy as well but when it kept jumping around i didn't find it believable and the way the story turned out to be told was just not good. I was very disappointed bc there were two other books that Piccoult wrote that were very good so i guess i had my hopes up for this book. I probably will not read another book by her unless it is a subject matter that i am interested in. Boo for that book. Glad i'm pretty much done it. It isn't a good book to read anymore it's more like it has turned into a chore.

So many topics....

2010-12-15T11:45:00.003-06:00

So many things to tell you so i am just going to make a list and start telling you about everything :) I know that you have been dying for another post so here it is :)

-my mum has sold her house. It's the first of many steps as my parents are currently working on selling the farm. My horses are going to stay boarded at the farm which is really nice for them. They will get to live out their lives on the property and get to be buried there, a tradition that has been long carried out with all of our animals. It brings me comfort to know that i can still go to the farm anytime i want visit our pet cemetery and relive all the good memories me and my animals have shared there.

-i was looking through my facebook messages and i came across a suggestion to listen/watch this video called Penelope by PINBACK, it's a very good song and i really like the indie type of music they are. Good choice when i feel down or nothing or anything in between.

-i am sitting here waiting for my person to come from merry maids to give me a free quote. I decided that i want to live in a really clean atmosphere and stuff so since i am not willing to clean night and day, i would much rather pay someone to do it for me. Yes i guess having a cleaning lady would be a diva-esque type of thing but i deserve it and it will be better. I have already agreed that i am going to have the cleaning lady come some time next week since my bffx7 is coming home and i don't want her to see the apartment as a hovel. I think this could be a giant step for me. I hate cleaning and it is the bain of my existence. Drives me a bit nutty if you know what i mean. So if i have to make some sacrifices to get a cleaning lady, i am willing to do that. Can't wait to have someone else do my cleaning for me. I have sat and thought about it for quite sometime and all i can think of is the benefits. And yes, i did some tidying up for when she comes so that she doesn't think i live in a little pit or something. Silly to clean for a cleaning lady but oh well, it's my first time meeting this person so i think that she will see the small effort i made for her, and yep, i'm even going to tell her i did some tidy up duties.

-my favourite aunt gave me an idea to write a story for the people at work, more specifically the kids. I never really thought how fascinating an idea it was until i started having ideas for this project. So at night when i should be sleeping i have all these wonderful ideas for the book that i will be creating, verses, rhymes, pictures, etc

- just finished my meeting with the Merry maids representative. From the notes she made i can get that they are going to be cleaning my bathroom (3 pcs), my hall, my living room/ dining room, my kitchen and my foyer. All the areas will be cleaned, dusted and vacuumed and my floors will be washed as well as santization of particular areas. I decided to go for the weekly cleaning option and i was told that it will probably take the lady about 1 hr to do. So for having a lady clean all my things and stuff it will cost under $100. I chose the weekly option bc that is the best choice and then it will be in a constant state of clean. I did request that at a later date i will have my bedroom done but that will be added and it will still be under $100 which i thought was great. Now yes, the big thing is I am so excited! I won't have to worry about doing anything extra, a step of a house owner i made!

- my bffx7 is coming home for christmas and my other dear friend Sm is coming home on monday. I truly can't wait to see both of their smiling faces. Have girl time and chill out, have a couple drinks and party it up. Clubs, movies, and good food, how could i want for anything more. Hopefully, i can arrange for them to meet each other because they are such dazzling people. It would be so awesome! <3 Maybe a trip to the city for a great bar night is an order! We'll have so much fun and party it up in Sg style!

-Another bit of good news, i have been clean of my pot usage for 35 days today. I have been keeping track so that i know. Things are a lot easier and with the money that i was spending on pot i am going to get a cleaning lady which is so much better. The one thing i don't like about it is experiencing all the emotions but i have to get used to the feelings since i was blocking them out for so long. I am not dependent on the drugs which is really nice though and my system feels so much better. My next chore will be to quit smoking. I usually only have one a day but somedays it is more. I am not to beat myself up over having them though because i want to continue being successful on my pot free journey. I was told that if i try to quit everything at once i won't be successful at anything and i want to keep the positivity flowing through my veins.

- I am getting a new car! This is very exciting as well. It's blue and it's a subaru. It's the wagon model, not sure whether it is the forrester or the impreza but it's hot. I had a dream last week and i think that i am going to name it Grover. The name came to me because it's blue, but when i drive it there might be another name that comes to mind. Just have to see what it 'tells' me. Cars have their own way of telling you what they want to be named. There usually is a moment or time that happens when they get their name. Can't wait to get my new 'moment'.

-

Death Before Dishonour

2010-11-28T10:46:00.004-06:00

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.

Grumpy Panda with a positive TWIST

2010-11-20T11:48:00.000-06:00

So i'm a bit of a grumpy panda today.

There's this person that i introduced to my group of 'so-called' friends. He's always been really arrogant and just thinks the world owes him everything.

Last night was the true test. I had 2 of the good guys over and they left my house to go do 'bad' things (which will remain unnamed) at this person's house. Since i have not been having them over all the time and i have been focussing on work and getting my life together they have now moved onto this guy, especially since he has a truck for the next little while. What bothers me most about this is that i realize now that since my place is not much of a convenience anymore they don't care. Well this makes me mad because the person i introduced is now taking my friends away. It sounds really petty i know but it upsets me how the guys can just move on and forget that i even exist. Sorry but i work everyday now and i enjoy going to bed at a decent time at night. I don't want to be up till all hours of the morning and then going to work on little or no sleep. This person said that he considers me a true friend but i see more and more that is not the case. He sees me as a friend when he is drinking my booze, and smoking my cigarettes, which he says will be replaced but never are. Well my answer to him is FUCK RIGHT OFF. When i say no he tries to pull the puppy dog eyes or has a hissy banana so that he can get his way. Grow up, you`re 26 years old and you still don`t like being told no. Sorry but in the real world no gets thrown around a lot, get used to it. I am tired of his childish games and just want him out of my life, so i am making a stand. He is no longer welcome at my house. I don`t even want to see him. Another thing that ticks me right off is that he is driving around in this truck lent to him supposedly by the Hells Angels, and he only has his G1. He likes his liquour and it is a guarantee that during the course of the weekend he is going to be drunk the entire time. Great! So now he`s driving around with people i care about and did i add that he`s driving recklessly. There have been a lot of car accidents of late and many young people have lost their lives. If he remotely hurts anyone of the people i care about i will rip him a new asshole. Just because he wants to endanger his life doesn`t mean that he can endanger others and get away scott free. I will bring a wreckoning and he won`t like that either but too bad.

As you can see i have proved my point that i am a grumpy panda. It just bothers me when my `so-called` friends always do things without me and never invite me. I think it`s quite rude and it`s apparent that my f-ship really means nothing. So i have been passive about it for a long time and now i am starting to toughen up and express my thoughts and feelings. I have to stand up for myself and do what i think is right and this is one of the times where i have no doubts in my mind that i am right.

On a good note i have been pot free for 9 days and am currently working on my 10th. I decided to do this of my own accord and it has worked out well. My parents are happy and most of all, i`m happy. I feel better. It`s not like i ran out or anything i still have some in case i need it but i just feel that i would rather not do it. I am starting to embrace feeling emotions, and it can be scary but it is a lot better. I was worried that i was having consistent bad dreams because i no longer was doing the pot before bed but i have washed that fear away by having several nights where i am not so disturbed by my dreams. Maybe it was part of withdrawal, i have no idea but man do i feel a whole lot better. I am not coughing my nights away. I am getting sleep. I have gone back to my roots and am being an avid reader once again. A past-time that i dearly missed. Books are my escape and i wouldn`t have it any other way!

I must keep on the positivity train as i am doing so well!
Thanks for all your love and support!

So much to tell you

2010-11-05T18:44:00.001-06:00

Dear Reader(s),

It has been, what feels like forever, since i have written you.

I am a busy bee lately. Things are going well with my job. I have been there for almost 3 months and am coming up for my review. I am going to start making notes if there is anything that i want to discuss or be informed about. No date is set yet for my review but I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to hear the constructive criticism as well as new ideas.

Working at the daycare is amazing. It's the first job where i have actually felt a good sense of accomplishment and worth. The kids depend on me and i continue to try and be a good leader that they are wanting. I have a person that i work with, and we just JAM the room. Things work well, we work well and have a good environment in our room. We manage from 10- 12 children in the afternoon and on the whole, it goes smooth like peanut butter.

I got to celebrate my birthday yesterday, with friends, family, co-workers, and the kids in my room. It was one of the most memorable birthdays ever. The kids made me a card with some pictures they drew on it, and they participated in singing happy birthday two times, as well as having cupcakes with me.

Movie Alert _ THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE (2009)
A documentary on VOGUE magazine, which revolves around Anna Wintour, goddess to the fashion world. She single-handed-ly changes fashion and creates the new look as well as promoting new and upcoming designers. I watch this movie at least once a week, and i feel lost when i don't watch it. I love the fashion world for it's change, innovation and imagination. If you have a passion for fashion like i do then this is a must film for your collection. I recently bought my first copy of VOGUE magazine and was astounded. I was actually able to accept it for what it was and how much work goes into the production of it. Mind you it was not the September issue but I am happy to say the November issue. Even though she is known as the “Ice Woman” of fashion, damn is she good!

Productive is my middle name tonight. I have made myself dinner. I washed my dishes. Tidied up a bit. Got all my thank you notes written and are ready to be posted and given to those recipients.

Another important thing that i would like to mention is that I have significantly cut back on my pot usage and drinking. I rarely drink, only on special occassions or when i want to chill. My brain is feeling so much better and i am starting to experience emotions, some for the first time! Oh the joy of being overridden with emotion but it feels a lot better then just numb, angry or sad.

I think i am doing really well and want to keep this positivity flowing.

Thanks for your support and love. I will keep you posted!

Ciao <3

Tribute to my Bffx7

2010-09-12T12:53:00.002-06:00

This is a tribute post to my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, aka BFFx7.

My Bffx7 has come to a point in her life where she has to choose which path and journey she would like to take in life. Some people may be disappointed but i think that is the most selfish thing they could be. They should be happy that she is going to take on the world full force. With making changes in her bio/psycho/social circle she plans to better herself and achieve ultimate happiness. A journey to the southern hemisphere of the world and to a wonderful place similar to paradise was the beginning of her journey. There have been a few bumps on her roller coaster but she is going to be climaxing again very soon. I am writing this tribute to her to show my positive encouragement as well as my love and support for such a dear friend. We have been through many ups and downs but it has made us stronger along the way. We are so close that our parental units of each other consider us like a second child. We make sure to spend time or communicate with the rest of the family and keep ties close. My Bffx7 has been an inspiration of mine for a long time. I find myself wishing I had the opportunities that she has had presented to her. I envy her, but with love. Her life is coming together so nicely. She has a competitive and challenging job, recently became a home owner (Props Girl!), and is on a really nice upward swing. We talk quite frequently, and it is always good. Even though there is an ocean between us I know that if something serious was going down she would be here for me in a second, and i would do the same for her. She's always with me in my heart and my mind because i know she's keeping an eye,from afar, over me.

This picture is currently my computer background because I get to see her smiling face everyday and i can remember good times and put a smile on my face.

Dear Bffx7, I love you so, you are the most special person on the planet. No one could ever compare, and for me you are always there. We always have a guarantee of fun, whether at the club or out in the sun. Shakin' our booties, and lookin' hot with our big boobies! You are my love and there will be no other. Our families are one, you have me and i have 2 brothers. I have wrote this little ditty for you, because no one will understand you like i do.

Xoxo
*Sg*

fml FOR real

2010-09-08T09:31:00.000-06:00

So i started work on Tuesday of last week. I had some spots on my face but i just figured they were zits or something. Now since we all know i have some OCD issues, so i am a picker of scabs by nature. I never realized what this shit was until yesterday when i saw my psychiatrist and he said that it looked like i had impetigo. At first i thought, yeah whatever but then someone else told me that's what it looked like so i went to the walk-in clinic to get it checked out and sure enough...it's impetigo. I thought originally that impetigo was like herpes and so i was puzzled how i got it. I don't have rando sex partners or anything and i don't have a boyfriend so how could i get this 'herpes' like virus. I prescribed some pills which i have to take 4 times a day and cream to apply 3 times a day. The pharmacist that i had i gone to today said that he sees it all the time and people are very self-conscious about it. I feel like i have been shot in the face with buckshot. I never had complexion problems growing up as a kid so when i have something as horrible as this on my face, i'm freakin' out a little bit to say the least! I might be able to go to work tomorrow but i will have to cover the sores on my face up, gee thats not going to be too noticeable. Fuck My Life. This really sucks.

ATTACHED PLEASE FIND SOME INFORMATION REGARDING IMPETIGO THAT I FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA, HOPEFULLY THIS WILL EDUCATE YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID ME. ITS A LITTLE AFTER THE FACT BUT SOME KNOWLEDGE IS BETTER THEN NONE.

Impetigo is a highly contagious bacterial skin infection most common among pre-school children.[1] People who play close contact sports such as rugby, American football and wrestling are also susceptible, regardless of age. Impetigo is not as common in adults. The name derives from the Latin impetere ("assail"). It is also known as school sores. [2]

Classification
Impetigo contagiosa
Impetigo contagiosa is a cutaneous condition characterized by a staphylococcal, streptococcal, or combined infection that presents with discrete, thin-walled vesicles pustular and then rupture.[3]:255 Impetigo also causes flu-like symptoms which may cause fatigue, weakness of muscles, headaches and vomiting.[citation needed]
Bullous impetigo
Bullous impetigo primarily affects infants and children younger than 2 years. It causes painless, fluid-filled blisters — usually on the trunk, arms and legs. The skin around the blister is usually red and itchy but not sore. The blisters, which break and scab over with a yellow-colored crust, may be large or small, and may last longer than sores from other types of impetigo.
Ecthyma
Ecthyma is a more serious form of impetigo in which the infection penetrates deeper into the skin's second layer, the dermis. Signs and symptoms include:
Painful fluid- or pus-filled sores that turn into deep ulcers, usually on the legs and feet
A hard, thick, gray-yellow crust covering the sores
Swollen lymph glands in the affected area
Little holes the size of pinheads to the size of pennies appear after crust recedes
Scars that remain after the ulcers heal
Causes
It is primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, and sometimes by Streptococcus pyogenes.[4] According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, both bullous and nonbullous are primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, with Streptococcus also commonly being involved in the nonbullous form."[5]
Transmission
The infection is spread by direct contact with lesions or with nasal carriers. The incubation period is 1–3 days. Dried streptococci in the air are not infectious to intact skin. Scratching may spread the lesions.
Diagnosis
Impetigo generally appears as honey-colored scabs formed from dried serum, and is often found on the arms, legs, or face.[4]
Prevention

This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (March 2009)
Good hygiene practices can help prevent impetigo from spreading. Those who are infected should use soap and water to clean their skin and take baths or showers regularly. Non-infected members of the household should pay special attention to areas of the skin that have been injured, such as cuts, scrapes, insect bites, areas of eczema, and rashes. These areas should be kept clean and covered to prevent infection. In addition, anyone with impetigo should cover the impetigo sores with gauze and tape. All members of the household should wash their hands thoroughly with soap on a regular basis. It is also a good idea for everyone to keep their fingernails cut short to make hand washing more effective. Contact with the infected person and his or her belongings should be avoided, and the infected person should use separate towels for bathing and hand washing. If necessary, paper towels can be used in place of cloth towels for hand drying. The infected person's bed linens, towels, and clothing should be separated from those of other family members, as well. Whilst suffering from impetigo, it is best to stay indoors for a few days to stop any bacteria from getting into the blisters and making the infections worse. When a person has impetigo, it is common for them to get it a second time in the space of 6–9 months. This usually occurs in people aged 12–16.
Treatment
For generations, the disease was treated with an application of the antiseptic gentian violet.[6] Today, topical or oral antibiotics are usually prescribed. Treatment may involve washing with soap and water and letting the impetigo dry in the air. Mild cases may be treated with bactericidal ointment, such as fusidic acid, mupirocin, chloramphenicol or neosporin, which in some countries may be available over-the-counter. More severe cases require oral antibiotics, such as dicloxacillin, flucloxacillin or erythromycin. Alternatively amoxicillin combined with clavulanate potassium, cephalosporins (1st generation) and many others may also be used as an antibiotic treatment.
Hydrogen peroxide is an alternative to topical antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo. In a cream formulation hydrogen peroxide 1% is stabilized, thereby avoiding fast degradation with the result of prolonged antimicrobial effect and effective treatment. Hydrogen peroxide has been shown to be as effective as antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo Contagiosa.

Party Central!

2010-09-03T19:40:00.001-06:00

So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.

The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.

I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.

I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!

please excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar

2010-08-24T13:57:00.001-06:00

I have already fucked up. I have been out of detox 3 hours and i have already gotten high. I have to say i felt really disappointed when i went and saw my dad and he wouldn't even look at me. I thought i looked pretty damn clear and good. I feel guilty that i have already done a boo boo but there's a part of me that says I don't think it was that bad. I was in there to get away from my house and the pot, and then when i come home the first thing i do is to have a sesh. It felt good to be sober for a few days i'm not going to discount that but having this toke and talking with some friends was nice too. I missed my boys and it was good to see some of them and i'm sure that i will see more of them tonight. I am going to be totally honest and say that when i was talking to my discharge planner, I did say that i don't really want to totally cut my habit out of my life i just want to be able to manage it better. I don't think my parents would like to hear that though. They want me to say i am done with it and never will do it again. I am getting tired of trying to please my dad and getting nowhere with it. He's not happy with any thing that i do. I am going to therapy and trying to make serious changes and he just ignores it. Today when he wouldn't look at me that was pretty interesting as well. Like geez i went to detox to please him and mum and it's just not working. From detox i learned that i was able to conquer some demons and go sober for a few days. Now i have to carry what i was doing in detox to what i am doing at home. Writing this and getting all my thoughts and feelings out is a good improvement. I can then reflect back on what i have written and see what i was feeling at that particular time. I think this will help me to learn to deal with my emotions. If i can come here and totally vent all my cares away and i know it's a safe venue then all the power to me. If people choose to comment great, i want to hear what people have to say, positive or negative. I also hope that by me writing about my life and what i have to deal with especially with my addictions, that even a person can take a word away from my blog and leave the rest then i am reaching people/fans/ readers in a way that i want to, and that makes me happy. Since detox doesn't allow computers or anything i had to write manual journal entries, but i plan to post them on here. Give me some time and i will get 'er done! Dad just called and when i told him he was frustrating me and upsetting me he just said 'yeah, i know' and then expected me to just let it go. Why do i even try to impress him, it's an impossible feat. I just get more upset and degraded when it's not good enough for him but i am trying so god damn hard.

the positivity must keep going strong!

2010-08-17T20:11:00.001-06:00

So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.

It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.

So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.

Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(

So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.

I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!

So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!

Correction Notice.............

2010-08-16T20:12:00.002-06:00

In my post from earlier today i made a quote reference and it totaly was mixed up and just FUCKED.

One of my treasured readers sent me a message to make a correction, and i would like to say thanks and here is the correct data for future reference:

"One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind"
- Neil Armstrong

"To infinity and beyond"
- Buzz Lightyear

Waaaa Waaaaa Weeee Waaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Very nice!

2010-08-16T14:17:00.000-06:00

So i keep telling myself, “One small step for man, One giant step for mankind.” (Buzz Lightyear (?)

I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.

I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!

Ciao for now!!!

xoxo

I'm thinking of two words

2010-08-14T19:32:00.000-06:00

Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!

Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.

I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!

No means No... Didn't you hear me the first time?

2010-08-12T12:18:00.000-06:00

I am starting to say no and people really don't like it. They throw hissy fits and turn into complete jerks... so then i am at a point where i am questioning is this a decent friendship and worth fighting for. This particular person thinks that by paying me $15 in gas money and buying me some rockstars is going to cover my time and effort. Where i start to say that's enough and No is because this person continually asks me for stuff: smokes, booze, money, anything. I am left in the hole if i provide him with stuff and i just don't see the point anymore. The friendship isn't that great, he talks to me like a piece of trash when he wants and sees me as a convenience sex person. On the whole i wouldn't mind having a perma booty call status with someone but it's never enough for this person. He is constantly asking for more and i can't do it. This is where i draw a line in the sand and say no. I have already said no about 5 times and he is still hassling me. Now the offer has been upgraded to gas, booze, and doing stuff for me............. Not a smash seller with me. Just said no a sixth time and tried to say for the 4th time that I have already done a lot for him and it's never good enough so i am done.... then i get the rhetorical question, “So that's a no for sure?” FUCKING RIGHT THAT”S A NO FOR SURE. I am tired of being walked all over and not a thought given to me or my feelings. This guy is persistant i will give him that but Geez give me a break. And if he comes to the apartment and starts ringing my buzzer i am going to ignore him too. A one time half romp sesh does not mean that you can control me and that you know how things are going to go. I have to say no to him and others, which in turn is saying yes to myself. That's right i have to say yes to myself more often and not get forced into doing things that i don't want to do just so that the person doesn't have a hissy banana. Sounds like i am dealing with children at a daycare level..... Geez that's another thing that i don't need. Now he's trying to get someone else to talk to me so that he can get his way. I need time by myself to process this shit and keep firm with the No business. I can do it! I know i can! I know I can! (some paraphrasing from the little engine that could.)

I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3

i love my fans!

2010-08-02T15:41:00.000-06:00

So it's been a while since i have made a post. There's quite a few things that i need to bring you readers up to speed as to what is going on in my life.

2 People have robbed and slashed my screen bc they felt like it. I personally believe that it was retalitory measure they took because of something i did but i have no idea. Neither of the people will talk to me, which i can't say is a bad thing, i just want them out of my life. I don't want to remember times we spent or anything. Because i could not control myself i am now in debt huge and have nothing to show for it. They on the other hand have plenty of things to show for it: their habits were paid for, their pets were taken care of, they have brand new wardrobes, and many other things that i am not going to list. I called these people 'family' and was that ever a mistake. If that's how they treat their family then i really don't want anything to do with them. I don't treat my family like and it and would never, it's a very low-life type of behaviour. In reality it is a gesture that demonstrates that you are a person with little to no values or class. Not someone i would like to associate with.

Next topic. I am seeing new therapist for DBT therapy which is supposed to help people with bipolar and borderline personality. I really find it working, and i am learning valuable skills. So far saying no is still pretty tough but i am starting to get the hang of it and it's not so foreign now. I still feel guilty when i say it but after thinking about it and being able to have fit justification it makes sense! Some friends are really supportive about it and re-inforce me saying no. Other friends don't take much notice and still try to pull their temper tantrums when they can't get their way. Only then doesn't it become harder to play the broken record technique. I will get better and the more times i say no to someone else and i realize i am actually saying yes to myself. I am a yes person living in a NO world and i therefore have to conform to it because not leads to me being impulsive as well as being taken advantage of.

Slowly and surely i am gradually cutting down my pot usage. It's hard because there are times that i go to it out of habit and then there are the times where i really want to do it. I am still doing the poppers unfortunately, but maybe that will be my next hurdle to tackle. I am keeping my hands busy by making friendship bracelets for just about everything. It's an interesting hobby and i think i am going to branch out and try a new pattern very soon. The chevron is getting a little old and i have made it a lot so that i can say that i mastered it. If you have any tips on how to read the patterns they would be greatly appreciated as i am not the greatest at reading them right now. I am hoping that will come with time as well.

It's holiday Monday and since dad and i spent yesterday have a tiff. I am at home partying...well just chillin' on the porch and havin' a few drinks. It's so nice when i have my mellow music (John Mayer, Jack Johnson, the Fray, etc.) Puts me in a mellow mood and then the world is ok for a few minutes, or hours. A perfect escape!

So i got a message from a fan to get going on posting and that is what i am just going to do. Thanks forall the support from my readers, each and every one of you means a lot to me! Xoxo Sg

one giant bunch of horseSHIT

2010-06-30T19:54:00.000-06:00

I want to say FUCK YOU and leave me alone. It's so hard. I thought she was my second very good friend and don't worry Bffffffff, she could never replace you! She and her boyfriend have turned completely. I can't do certain things because of restrictions put on me because i am out of control. They look at me like a taxi but because i am a friend and i have allowed them to treat me in not good ways because you teach people how to treat you, which i am guilty of putting up with it and now i am burnt out about it. I am disappointed in myself because i have allowed myself to be taken advantage of AGAIN and now my parental units have to clean up the mess, I feel terrible for them. They are stressed to the max, and all i can do is seem to screw up over and over again, or at least that's how i feel. I think they are jealous but they are hardly ever around. They don't like think the person and his crew that i am associating with. It's like the green eyed monster has reared it's head. The thing is they have chosen to stay away and distance themselves, and it's like i get penalized for that too, even though they chose to do it, i had no say. I restarted my appointments and am looking to go to detox. This is for real. It's fucking scary, let me tell you. I can't continue to live like this though, it's not good and i am not mentally sound. I am depressed most of the time and i don't want to do hardly anything. I question why i am here all the time. I just can't seem to get any self esteem boost. Those people i was referring to above are causing me so much stress. I get sick and tired of the b/f yelling and screaming at me whenever he feels like. Then laughing at me when i drove by in town is really childish and silly. Let's arrange for you to yell at me in person because i think that might be a little different. Anyone can say anything over a text message. It's an emotionless form of communication that is taking over. Interpreting texts is a rare art form and many people do not possess it. I am one of the people in the latter category, terrible at translating texts. I have to say i am guilty of writing full words too. I don't see the point in short forms, unless you are running out of space, otherwise though, i write every full word bc i might as well. The new eminem cd, recovery is absolutely wonderful. There are a lot of good collaborations and some of his best work ever. I have one of my flings that promised me a relationship now living in my town. Nothing has had with him and he's such a flop dick i hope he never does call me again. His promises were pipe dreams and bullshit so if you know what that concoction makes please let me know........... Stupid me that i thought that things would work out in my favour for once but no way. Nothing can go right for me.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ

me – Hello?

Nazrine – hello?

So i let her up and she says that she was just driving by and thought she would get the rest of her stuff. She's giving me the cold shoulder and everything and says “Maybe we can talk tomorrow”and then gives the most limp dick hug.

Note= if you don't want to hug someone just don't, it's useless and feels worthless

I was going to the wedding with them but they have done some stuff that mum wouldn't be able to bare to sit across from them. It should be an interesting night. Once the shit hit the fan, i had to put my self out there and say NO I don't like this and it's not ok. They still are try ing to defend their actions and make me feel like shit so i am pretty close to shutting the phone right off and just having a me night.

i have no idea what to title this

2010-06-26T11:01:00.001-06:00

So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.

So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.

Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:

“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”

This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.

I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.

BupKiss!!!

2010-06-16T07:52:00.000-06:00

Today is the day i get back to writing my blog. After i received the comment below, how could i not:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bingo Bango Bongo":

You haven't updated in so long! I love your blog, write more soon! xo

It fascinates me how people are still wanting to hear about my boring yet adventurous life. So i will start writing this now at 111 pm and then i will bit and piece it together.

First off my addiction is by far at it's worst. I don't feel worthy of change or a better lifestyle. My depression and other Mi's are wreaking havoc on me. I disassociate from my parents and spend their money like a fiend. It kills me when my dad says that i am trying to buy people's friendship but in the end when i analyze it or look, it appears that way. The way i think of it though is that i am helping out a friend that i would hope would help me out when i need it. I throw all caution to the wind and my impulsivity is at an all time high. I am afraid to go to detox because i am worried that it might not work but i have been told that sometimes for people it takes several go's before it works. I question what my purpose here is all the time. I am a 26 year old party animal and i am way old to be doing it. My celebrity example would be Lindsay Lohan, but i'm older then her too! I rarely want to eat, and if i do it's only a matter of time before i am ralphing it back up. I am trying to do a liquid diet for now because i know that i can handle that. My parents miss their old Sarah, and i have no idea what i have become but it is monstrous to say the least. I have even gotten to a point where i don't think i deserve any better so i just keep frittering my life away and being silly.

There's people out there that take advantage of me. I question how i attract all these people that want to borrow money and use my stuff. I must have an i'm stupid or take advantage of this one she's easy on my head. Or something that makes me stand out so that i am an easy target. Saying no to people i think are my friends is one of the hardest things in the world and i rarely do it. Then if you go by the “you teach people how to treat you model,” technically i encourage that kind of behaviour. How do i learn to say No? I wish there was a way i could learn and start using it immediately. There are so many things that i would rather not do and because i can't say no i get roped into doing them. If you have any suggestions or anything please feel free, if you want to tell me how silly i am or whatever your feeling, i always let my readers know this is an open forum and they can comment on anything that i write about.

The song “Nothing on You” by B.o.B (feat. Bruno Mars) is something that i am constantly listening to. It's a great beachy type song but the meaning behind it, frig it makes me wish i had someone that thought about me that way. Someone to cuddle and have a movie date with. Someone to pamper the odd time. Someone to cook and enjoy dinner with. Someone to love me for me, faults included! Other songs that make me think about 'him' are Perfect (hedley), Billionaire (B.o.B.), Airplanes (B.o.B.), Can't Be Tamed (Miley Cyrus), Not Myself Tonight (Christina Aguilera), Over (Drake), plus there's a few classics like anything by Jason Mraz, the Eagles, RHCP, STP, Katy Perry and Ke$ha, that's just to name a few.

I have been making an effort to keep my house clean. Keep the dishes tidy, got all my laundry up to date. The one thing that i don't do enough of is vaccuming and with having Abby and Zoe, my cats) it's something that i need to be more on top of. There's something that i hate about doing it. Maybe it's the fact that if i do it, i know in a matter of seconds it's going to have hair on it again. I think that i need to add to my routine that once i finish doing the dishes i also vaccuum, but it depends because i am not vaccuming at some stupid time and annoying my neighbours because i'm not a jerk like that.

The weekend of July 3^rd i have a wedding to go to. It's my cousins and it is my first wedding as a guest. It is also the first time i have seen this side of my mum's family in quite a long time, i would guess about 5-7 years. I am a little worried because i know that some of them know that i am battling addiction(s), but i don't want that to be the focus. I want to be looked at like a regular person, not some handicapped or addicted person. I kind of wish that my mum didn't tell them some of the stuff that is going on right now but i can't be a total controlling asshole because she needs to vent too. Geez my mum probably feels like she is going through Hell everyday, so she has to talk about it to someone. She can't just keep it inside and let it eat away at her, that's how people get sick, and i know that both my parents are highly stressed right now, and yes, sadly it is majority caused by me. It's almost like everything i touch right now turns to shit.

Writing all this makes me feel better a little bit because i can say what i want. This is my space and i will use it however i choose. I want people to be informed about the marijuana poppers and what a bad thing they are to be addicted to. If one person can read this and see what path it could possibly take them down, or even relate to this, it might help or prevent something from starting. My parents informed me that i have been going through this addiction for about 2 months now. In a way it seems short but then again it feels a lot longer then that.

So the last few days i have been going over a list that i have generated of who i have had sex with and then another list of people who i have done stuff with. I have had sex with 10 people and 4 of those people were 'trophies'. I have done stuff with 17 people and 9 of those people were 'trophies'. There is one person that i want to do both or one of the categories and he is a 'trophy' as well. Sometimes i think that is a lot of people but then i factor in that i am 26 years old so that's not bad. When someone that is 19 that has a track record that is like mine, that's a little more 'interesting' is the word i will use for safety purposes. I have no idea why i told you this but my list was here and then i just thought while i was looking at it that i would write about that on the blog.

My apartment got re-arranged about a week ago, and i am happy to say that i have an official office desk with majority of my office needs on it. I can sit at the laptop on one of my kitchen chairs and it is just right. It feels comfortable and has everything, and it's right by the door which i like. Looks like a working apartment instead of just a party place or crash pad.

I am very excited to go see SITC 2. The first movie was really good and me being a fashion-holic loved everything about it. I never really watched the series so the movie was awesome but i never really did anything to download the seasons or anything. I am just happy watching the movie and not really knowing the back story. That's a major faux pas in the film world i know.....sorry!

I finally broke down and got the wii fit plus with the balance board. It tells me obese all the time but i think that's really negative so i ignore it. I love playing the snowball game, it's one of my favourites. I am just starting to break out and try a few more of the games. I will say that it has helped me because i always want to know what my wii fit age is. I have been lucky to get 20 sometimes and 50 others. I have noticed my Centre of Balance has improved though since using it. I've had it for approximately 2 months or maybe a little bit more. It was kind of expensive but it's worth it for me because then i can exercise at home without having to worry about people watching me or what i look like.

Time and again i try to make others happy before myself. You would think that the people i am trying to make happy would be impressed but all i can seem to do is cause problems and make people unhappy. So many people are disappointed with me right now, most of all myself. I wake up every morning wishing i didn't exist. My depression is getting worse as each day goes by. I need to gain the courage to want to help myself. I need to want more for myself and know that i can do better. If i am the only person that doesn't believe this then maybe i can rely on particular people to help me with such an issue. I feel so guilty all of the time and i hate myself with such a passion. I hate what i have become. Visions of the old me pass by like a runaway train without a cause. Just racing, no looking back or forward, full tilt.

BOOK NOOK – 2 good reads – The Book of Negroes (great story, and it felt like i was actually on a journey with the main character.)

-My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler is my hero!)

Bingo Bango Bongo

2010-05-11T22:53:00.000-06:00

My two good friends are having a fight which was (instigated by the fourth person in our little family). I have tried very hard today to not mention him and stuff, i need to think more of myself. I am not just someone's cash cow and that's what this person treats me like. I am really starting to not like how he ruins outings and makes the mood complete utter shit. The friends are fighting for the life of their relationship. He's sleeping in bed, has acted like a jerk and we sit here upset and stressed. A little mission had been strewed because the 4^th is a jealous little jerk. It upsets me that he being around ruins everything in one way or another. When one person has that much control without really be given in it in a formal way. It's sad how people blame themselves for problems that aren't theirs. Taking responsibility for someone's addiction is the wrong approach. I believe that it is the choice of the person whether they do it or not. It is unfair for the user to blame people for choices they have made when there was a better option and choice available. I would and never do blame my addiction on anyone except myself. Addiction is a rough path i am learning, and if it's not one thing it's another thing. I have a long road ahead and there are some certain goals that I have set for myself : calling detox and getting some questions answered, trying to do more positive self talk and create boundaries towards people that are triggers, and to smoke less poppers by a considerable margin. I thought these were three goals that would be attainable yet challenging at the same time. I know if i have a good day i can accomplish the detox stuff and the cutting down. Starting tomorrow i am going to make a concerted effort. Let's see how this works out.

Btw, i went to bingo tonight for the first night. Man is it ever fun. It's a very good time when you go with the right people, luckily i know those special people (THANKS GUYS....win BIG money!) When someone is just explaining to you how bingo works it sounds really overwhelming and unable to comprehend. Getting the hall was interesting because it is a hall strictly for bingo, it looks a bit ghetto but gets the job done. When i heard my lucky number called i got excited the first time, everyone in the hall looked at me....what else is new. It's a game that can be played as leisurely as possible or as quick. AND ...........did i mention it's buckets of fun!

Letter of Concern

2010-04-23T08:19:00.000-06:00

Dear *****,

Writing this letter breaks my heart. A long time ago it was you and me that were family and then you introduced $$$$ and $$$$ and they became family as well. I tremble with sadness because what I thought was a strong friendship crumbles right before my eyes. You are my best friend and i would do anything for you. I would never let you be without shelter, food or any other bare necessity. I consider you a friend and could never see one without. You say that i don't understand that you have to have your own room, I do understand. I never really had a place that was all mine till I got my apartment. There's freedom and what more could you want. There's also loneliness and depression though. There's times where you literally stay in bed and do nothing. There's days when all you eat is take out because you can't be bothered to cook for yourself. I've had my mental illness for 11 years now, but when you ask me for solutions in your life i can't offer an answer because i don't really like my life and it's not going so shit hot right now. When you and I fight i feel like the worst person in the world. It makes me question why you and i are friends because i can be so horrible. I have only been in the situation once where i had to leave the car and the driver would not left me and I lost it. I realize that you took responsibility and wanted to make sure that nothing happened but you should have let me out. I got more emotional and upset every second. You probably are thinking what a drama queen. I find it sad that you feel you have no family. I have tried everything that i can possibly do to help you but you don't realize that i even put myself in bad situations to help you. I drop everything when you call and want to make plans, because i am so excited that i get to hang out with my *****. I have even noticed that when we hug it's just different, when you and i hugged it was like best friends do and it makes everything feel better. A person that cares and knows you care about them too. My head constantly races and you are one of the main topics. If i could wave a wand an make it better for you i would. Hell, i might get greedy and send some better living my way. You don't want to end up like me, 26 a single lonely bitch that has nothing to show for anything. When Nikki, Jesse and myself are deciding that we want to do something we always ask you and find out whether you want to join us. True friends do that.

As you already know i am dealing with a drug addiction and i am going through the motions to get help. I was saddened when you said that all we want to do is smoke poppers. I don't know about $$$$ and $$$$ but i can speak for myself when i say that i would rather be numb then feel any emotions outside of my range because of the uncertainty of how i will feel or behave. If you asked me what i think about my constant party lifestyle i would tell you that it makes me very sad for two main reasons: one being that i am 26 and hurting my health without a care in the world, two i just want to be out of it so that i don't feel sad or angry. Admitting that i have a drug problem is the hardest thing so far. Actually saying the words “I'm an addict” hurt. This is only the beginning of my journey into sober living so I am terrified and scared about certain things in the future: detox, residential programs, and heavy therapy and groups.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe we shouldn't be friends, (That's not something i want but if that's what you think needs to happen i understand. Not hang out as often (i don't think we hang out that much). If you have any suggestions i am open to hearing them. You know you can talk to me about anything, cry on my shoulder, get a hug. I just don't know how much longer i can keep being your 'fixer' when you don't think it means anything.

You are my best friend and if you think that cutting ties is what needs to happen it will hurt but i will respect your wishes.

Xoxoxo Sg

Oh man....

2010-04-22T08:04:00.000-06:00

TUESDAY

I am supposed to go to a talk today to listen about how this woman struggled with her mental illness and how she got better. Personally, i don't want to go because things are not better in my life if anything dealing with addictions is hard. I just feel like i don't want to put any effort into anything today. I want to play farmville and just sleep. I want to go to Marble Slab and get my ice cream for the week but i don't want to hear a depressive story. I think that is just going to make me want to use even more. Sure this woman has and is coming out the other side of the tunnel, but today that tunnel just does not seem feasible for me. I have a very negative outlook today. Many things that i would normally be jumping to do i don't really care to do.

THURSDAY

So i had an interview for a job yesterday and since it's been forever that I have been in an interview, I have a positive feeling, whether i get the job or not. It was nice to be in a professional setting and showcase myself.

So i find myself getting really sick of the drama pirate(s) in my life and i can't stop myself from bitching about them. Being randomly snitty and bitchy with me, i just kind of throw my hands in the air and say fuck this. I still leave the situation instead of keeping my mouth shut and dealing with it but maybe that leaving the situation is the first step? I have no idea to be quite honest and the people/person that keeps being in a bad mood i really don't want to be around. They say they aren't feeling well and that they are tired but if you really feel that shitty don't come to a place where the vibe is good and then ruin it. If you need to talk with someone then do it. If you need a shoulder to cry on do it. On the other hand though, alienating people you consider family and friends is not a good option. The few times that i see this person right now i don't really even know how to deal with them because they are in such a bitchy mood or what have you.

My addiction has made me start to think and consider things a little bit differently. I want to get a job and be steady and working and then just chill when i come home. Top priority is getting a job, whether that means selling my talents or myself! I will do almost anything! I have started to ponder if i keep partying at the rate i am, how will that effect my health, lifespan and other things. I don't want to ruin any opportunities that may be staring me in the face when i am in a haze all the time. I want to be able to jump up and grab said opportunities and challenge myself with them. I like using my blog as my own personal sounding board. People can read it, laugh at it, relate to it and so much more. Don't really get any comments which i wish i did but oh well maybe people aren't comfortable leaving them... but FYI you can do it anonymously! Life is a struggle almost everyday and it's hard for people that don't have a disability or mental illness, but just consider those that might have one and how hard they are trying....that's my thought for the day!

problems, problems, problems.....

2010-04-18T20:24:00.000-06:00

I don't understand why people come to an area that is having a good time and then bring the mood down just because they are having issues dealing with life. Everyone is having money troubles and finds life hard everyday. Some of us choose to get high and numb the emotions and take away the thoughts while others try to work their way through the problems. People seldom remember that there will always be that one person that stayed by them, helped them, and fought for them. The person that helps and is there when you need should not be thought of as a cash cow, or a lottery win. When they assist you should be grateful and think about what it would have been like had the assisting person not done what they did. Another common thing i don't understand is that when you start dating a person you have to be with them every second of the day and then if you're not there they have a fit. Yes, i believe there is the honeymoon phase, fine, i accept that. But to be in a state of constant honeymoon phase therefore leading to little to no time being spent with friends, that's ludicrous. Shouldn't a person be allowed to spend time with friends when they would like? I guess some girls expect their guys to be bitch boys and meet every demand. In a fantasy type way, sure, the idea is really HOT. In a reality type way though, it's not going to happen, unless you have the guy pussy whipped. So if for just a moment you could think of the person that has been there for you through thick and thin and consider the following:

-what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-why do i always want to get more out of that person? (unsatisfied)

I will give an example:

The person i am going to use in this model is my mum

what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-my mum is willing to do anything for me, especially when it comes to conquering my addictions and depressive feelings. She is there for a shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. There are many times that my addiction and actions upset my mum, therefore my mum has to deal with being upset, sad, frustrated and many more feelings. She risks her sanity everyday and will not give up on me.

Do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-No i do not. It is shameful to admit that but i am being open and honest. I'm not covering up things or hiding behind some curtains. There are many times when I get in a fight with my dad and i end up believing that him and mum are working together against me. I don't treat mum well in those times and i am very closed and defensive. I am going to work on treating my mum better because i believe it will help me grow as a person as well as better my relationship with my closest family member, my everything.

Why do i always want to get more out of that person?

-When i am fighting i always am agressive and mean. I can't just be calm and go away and take my time and get things together. I push people to their breaking points, just like a dog with a bone. I think the best answer for this is what i really don't like about that person, is more to do with what i really don't like about myself. I stand by that saying all the time, and have been and witnessed proof that i am guilty of using it or being the victim of it. Sometimes i demand a lot of my mum emotionally and am not satisfied because i don't really know or understand the response i am getting. I want to understand things, and sometimes i compulsively want to work at things till they get better. This technique doesn't usually work and it gets out of hand.

This was an interesting post. Thanks for letting me vent...........

Journal Entry for Today

2010-04-18T08:21:00.000-06:00

This post is going to be a bit of rant but that's what i need to do right now.

I wish my dad would stop freaking out on me for certain reason(s) that are supposed to be done and over with. He keeps bringing up how my life is far from perfect and sometimes that it's really 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' if you will. I realized that my dad does not approve of the friendship i have with one particular person right now but does that have to be the point of everything in the end. I made a goal to say no to that person at least once this week and i completed it and i am still saying no to other people and things that i don't want to do. Ex. I was supposed to meet a person in Cannington around 830 the other night. It was around 820 and i had decided that i was going to stay home and chill and go to bed at a decent time, so I didn't get back to this person and i stayed home and went to bed around 9 pm. Certain things like that are a big deal for me. Usually i will just say oh come on just do it anyway but when I want to say no and avoid being guilted into doing the trip I feel that i am standing up for myself. I am not just going and doing something because: I want to hang out with the person because i don't really do much or that I am dying to see the person. Saying NO is one of the hardest things for me to do, as well as express my true emotions. When I say no I get this immense feeling of guilt, and i don't really understand it. Maybe i just don't want to be one of those people that always say no, but i think the underlying issue is more then that.

My dad thinks that he treats me well all the time, yet when he says that when we are fighting, it's almost as if I don't deserve it or am worthy of it. A lot of the time dad and I have power struggles and personality clashes, due to what I believe is the problem with us being so much a like. I don't like when he starts criticizing my life because it's not the way he wants it to be. Yes I am struggling with several issues at once and it is quite the cross to bear. On the other hand though, I don't need to be reminded when i get a break from thinking about it.

When dad randomly treats me as what i refer to as “a degenerate piece of trash,” I really get the impression that he is not supporting me, he is disappointed with me and the choices i make, as well as i am not being the best that i can be, therefore my potential is starting to dwindle. I was told by a very dear person that “You are the driver of your own destiny, and maker of your own future.” I found this a very empowering saying and i tend to think about it a lot. Maybe my idea of the future i want is not the same one that my dad has in his mind therefore, he finds it acceptable to freak on me since i am not living what he wants. That's not fair though because then it would still be about pleasing him and doing what he wants. I have to learn and start doing what i want. Stand up or reason with choices i make and understand there may be certain consequences. I have to start taking responsibility for my own life.

On the positive side: i have cut down my popper consumption a considerable amount, my drinking is not abused, and i have 2 possible jobs on the horizon. One a creative type deal, the other a CSR/ salesperson position. Keeping track of how much i consume for drinks and poppers has made me kind of use it as a tool to try and get lower and lower then the day before. I also was given a routine sheet which has helped, and been the first one that i have actually tried and it worked. I still have a lot of work to do on the addiction(s) and addictive personality but i think i have moving ahead in my journey.

For those addicted to the application known as FARMVILLE, i am progressing my way through the game quite quickly. Later on today i will be a $3 million farm owner/operator. I have two dogs, Max and Ralph and neither has run away. I have built a nursery for the foals and calves but it's already full so i need the expansion asap. Also, i have a dairy operation of 10 barns, 19 cows in each plus a bull, which gives me a calf almost everyday. I love Fv, i can grow things and design things the way I want and be successful at it!

I have become tired of ranting and pondering so i will be signing off now, Sg over and out.

A step in the right direction.....FINALLY!

2010-04-13T08:22:00.000-06:00

Yesterday was interesting. It was my first meeting with my counselor regarding my drug addiction. We talked about a variety of things and why I made the choices and steps to start seeking help. My answer to that question was a variety of I want to feel better, I want to learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and what I can do to avoid picking up another addiction, which is the last thing I need. The lady said that I had a really good start considering most people don't call and make an appointment or if they do they don't show up because they are afraid of what is going to happen. I'm not going to lie when i walked into that office i was shaking like a leaf. I gathered up a bunch of pamphlets for information and stuff. Anything i could get my hands on to inform myself or my parents. It also opened my eyes to the variety of drugs that are out there, from hard street drugs to hallucinogens, to tranquilizers and other stuff. It's like the list of drugs that people have access to was lengthening right before my eyes. The one thing i really like about my counselor is that she is going to do anything she can to look for groups that deal with DBT therapy (for my borderline personality), as well as other groups that will assist me on my journey to sober living. Detox was suggested yesterday and i have till my next appointment to think about where i would like to go with that. Detox lasts for 3 to 5 days and is the start of getting you on the right track. It sounds good but i have some concerns so i am going to call the detox place and see what information i can get to answer and solve some of the confusion i have around the idea. Also the 21 day residential program was suggested to me as well. She said that it will take about 10 to 12 weeks to get it finalized before i actually go into a facility but she is willing to help me find the appropriate facility for my needs. All this information was really great and a lot to take in but i realize that if i want to do this properly this is the best way. I was really glad that i was able to go to my appointment and it actually gave me some hope that i am not a lost cause. That's definitely a step in the right direction!

FYI- i will be using my blog as my journal so that people can follow my ways and if they can get some information or help from it, by all means please do so!

Trust NO ONE

2010-03-21T18:26:00.002-06:00

So i have been clean for 5 days, and just to prove a point i am not going to get st*ned tonight. Mum and Dad have supposedly put up a united front and want to be supportive which sounds great (on the surface). My mum wanted to send me to Homewood. Fine bring it on bitches! My dad 'gave me one last chance' to go clean on my own, which i have done for 5 days so far. They think that this one particular person is the disaster in my world, want me to ditch him, forget he even exists. I haven't said that i will do that. I have one friend "or so i think" that's what they say. My mum just wants to ship me off so that the problem is elsewhere and that's that. Dad thinks that because he gave me one last chance that he can talk to me like a degenerate piece of trash while putting on the mr. supportive face. I can see right through it now. So the lesson from tonight: Trust No One. I have been struggling and things haven't been so peachy keen but i have stayed straight, haven't made that phone call or anything. If i have to have the thought that he gave me one last chance and it hang over my head for the rest of my life FUCK HIM. He thinks he knows so much. Treating me the way he did in all cases was not acceptable. Fine I get the message and i am going to pull right back from them. I guess i will have to go to a generic help line when i need to talk to someone. Anger, rage, pissyness, all those negative feelings right now are what i am feeling. Can i say that i really trust anyone right now.... Nope. Those that i thought i did trust aka my mother and father, just lost it tonight. FUCK YOU. I can do this on my own and if they do anything i will fight back. I am not going to be their little puppy dog of a daughter anymore. They can find a new bitch boy/girl. It makes me sad that i can't even trust my parents but oh well, that's something that i will just have to get over. They think they are so high and mighty and that they can dictate who i do and don't associate with. WRONG AGAIN. We live in a free society where there is freedom of speech, expression and choice. Blaming someone else for problems that i have incurred and brought on myself, they are living in denial. I chose to make the decisions i did. I chose to smoke poppers. I chose to rather live in a non-real world where everything is numb. It's safe and that's the way i like it. Ok i'm not the most happy with it but it's way better then having to deal with two parents threatening me and harassing me. They want what's best for me but if this is their way of saying that then check your attitude at the door and try using some respect. My dad made a statement before this all went down, Gee you haven't been here for dinner in a long time. I wonder why... Everytime i see you i am given an ultimatum of who can be my friend and who can't, who i can associate with and not. At 26 you would think that i am old enough to choose my friends now, especially without the assistance of two loner parents. For example, my mum is in this loveless relationship that is just break up and get back together...wow that's a good example. My dad has no friends.... yet again, another good example. They don't want me to hole up in my apartment and do nothing yet they don't want me to go out with people either. Sounds fucked to me.

It is totally unnecessary to knock someone down when they are already skimming the bottom of the barrel and dealing with addiction. They need love and support. Saying 'you can't do this this' and 'don't fuck up' gets them nowhere. If anything it make me want to get that gram of pot on speed dial. Life isn't wonderful and so why not just go through pretending that you don't exist. My parents have put so much on me tonight that I REFUSE to call for pot. I will take a drink though. I can at least have that and not get in trouble or threatened for having one. Knowing my luck though they will say that i broke the rules and punish me some more.

TRUST NO ONE, that's all i can say. Look how far trusting the ones i love most got me.....

Stuff...

2010-03-17T10:14:00.003-06:00

I am on a mission.

While trying to quit doing poppers for the second time, i am going to keep myself busy with home improvements. I promised my mum that if i was going to smoke pot it was going to just be pot, not poppers. I failed at that but i am trying to go clean again. I don't know what it is that i like about them. After prolonged periods of time i become wheezy and my asthma gets out of control and that leads to hack attacks among other things. The reason that i do pot is so that i can escape from reality. I would rather be in a world where i am emotionally numb instead of having the ups and downs and not knowing how to control or handle it. Emotions are a scary thing for a person with borderline personality disorder. Being unprepared at how you will feel, the thought scares me let alone going through it. A common trait with people that have borderline personality is that they have a very addictive personality that at times can take over until there is an extreme ending (which could be bad or good, but from my experience it usually leads to the bad side of things). Imagine having a personality that was easily addictive, whether it be to food, exercising, starvation, gambling, drugs, shopping, and so many more. Just having one is hard to deal with but when you have multiple addictions that's when it gets really tricky. You want to be independent and manage them all on your own, but for some reason you just keep putting it off and putting it off. My addiction to pot has lead to another episode where i feel like complete and utter shit. I know this is going to happen and what the end possibility is going to be but for the life of me, why do i continue to go back to habits that are destructive. I have to make a concerted effort to want change, and believe me when i say i want change. I need to take each day as it goes and work on it itself. I have to realize there are going to be times where i slip back into my old ways but i have to acknowledge that and start over once again. Failure is hard to compete with but if i keep trying it's not really failing then is it.

Things i want to do include:
-get a plant and learn how to take care of it
-take down the plastic that was covering my screen, which i have partially completed
-take out all the staples that were holding said plastic to the screen (i have done one panel so far, this job is not only frustrating and monotonous, but it just plain sucks. i think i will have to do it whenever i have time and want to do it.)
-get rid of the mess on my kitchen table
-take out the garbage and keep it tidy
-clean the washroom
-laundry (which is piled high, and includes that from my trip which was a while ago)

Other activities include:
-going to my cope group, learn to work on my self esteem and self confidence
-maybe explore something regarding getting my BA in something..... maybe literature, psychology, etc.
-get a job, get back into a routine
-go to my walking group
-go to the movies
-write on here more!
-chronicle my thoughts and ideas
-teach myself to cook

BPD

2010-03-06T19:28:00.002-06:00

So i am reading this book called STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. It's for people that are dealing with a family member/significant one/friend, etc. who has Borderline Personality. I have read the first few chapters and it's really interesting but in the same way it's scary. At one point or another i have possessed/done all of the traits and characteristics. I feel bad because i realize how much havoc i have wreaked on peoples lives. All my relationships ended horribly because of my illness. What makes me think and sad about that is that i didn't know i had. It's only in the last few years that i was diagnosed with BPD. I have been through a bunch of meds and take a large quantity just to stay stane or partially "normal". When i was initially diagnosed, it was very upsetting but it also explained why my range of emotions is so small and why i do some of the things i do. There was a time in my life where i hated my mum for 2 years, and my mum is so special and important to me. Some of the stuff i said to her was just plain brutal and cruel. I regret the way i behaved when i actually sit and think about all the shit that i did and said to her. I wanted to post this here because i just recently added the title "i'm mental so what" as a label for my posts. BPD is very confusing but if i read this book i might be able to learn how to deal differently (hopefully better). I have already decided that i want to sit down and ponder what some of my triggers are. I think knowing this information may be a step in the right direction on dealing with something before it happens. BPD is often accompanied by anxiety, depression, and some other not nice things. One thing i want to write though, People with BPD do not have multiple personality syndrome. It has more to do with experiencing a range of emotion containing : sad, angry, or nothing/blah. I also feel that i have trouble expressing and dealing with emotions, it's like i am scared to have feelings because i don't know how i will react. Crying in public is hard for me to do and when i do it at the movie theatre i feel like a giant ass. My mum, my biggest supporter, says that crying is a good thing and that i should do it more often. I wish it was that easy. I understand that it might make me feel better with releasing it but for some reason i just have a hard time getting to a point where i can release like that. I need to stop reverting to bad habits for escapism, or if i want to escape do it in a more appropriate way. The book says there a bunch, like millions of people, that suffer from this. If i could reach one or get to conversing with one that would be an interesting idea. It might be cool to see how much we are alike and learn different techniques on how to deal with things. I am going to be doing some more research in this area, check out a suggested website and then give some feedback as to whether it is any good for someone with BP or someone trying to understand living with a person with BPD

Here's what i have to say about that

2010-03-01T17:32:00.005-06:00

So this is going to be one of those posts that I am going what the hell? That's weird, i can't believe someone actually did that.

1. Create a group for your own birthday party hosted by you. I think that the person that did this either has a lot of time on her hands or she just wants to have her party her perfect way. Why would you do that? Are you desperate to see who will actually show up on your party night? This particular person has gone to the trouble of not only creating a group and administoring it, but has also confirmed herself as a guest. Geee, you would think that you would go to your own birthday party not only as a guest but as a host two! Maybe going as two people is better then one.

2. People that join groups, in general all of them but some of the really silly ones like: I Hate Cigarettes (it's got a lot of pics of ciggy butts, i particular thought this one was a great piece though. i seriously wish cigarettes came like this), 96% of all people can't solve this riddle (wtf, who cares), Crosby's Goal <3>

3. People with hundreds upon hundreds of friends on facebook. What is it, like the more friends you have that you can say you know by 20 degrees of separation the better off you'll be. Yeah i do it... i purge my facebook friends every one/two weeks. What's the point of having a list full of people you don't talk to. The idea of keeping a few from public school or highschool, etc. is alright too but not you're entire class. What if you didn't like everyone in your class. You can be a facebook friend whore and just continually add people as friend for an infinity. Sounds kinda lame to me.

4. Dumb games that will never really advance you or anything, just use them as time filler. I was playing Farmville and Fishville at one point. (We all know that farmville is a guilty pleasure :)) With fishville it took forever to progress through the levels and there was no real point in doing it. Oh great you can buy a totally different fish, or even better a tank ornament. Now that's something. Jazz up a fish tank that in the end is going to make you more money without the decoration. BTW, the decorations are just a waste anyway, but it's something to buy i guess (that's the shopaholic in me talking)

5.Saving the best for last. What's up with the out of sync issues with facebook. I know it's suppose to be a mediocre program but geez does it have to operate like plain shit. It's frustrating having to refresh the page all the time (even though it's a simple press of a button). Then not only do you pull that crap but when i want to delete certain applications, that i don't use and think are a waste of time appearing on my profile, you won't let me delete them. That's not very nice but it's just another example of the computer world taking over everything. It will be a sad day when technology is every breath, heartbeat, thought. It sounds fun but in retrospect it could be a giant shit storm. Then things like the terminator will become a reality and we won't be able to look back at it as that great film with Arnie in it.

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh

2010-02-28T19:24:00.003-06:00

So i want to start this off: RIP Stacy, my little calf that was Clinton's twin. She passed away on Feb. 12, 2010. I was on vacay and only received the information yesterday that she had passed away. Stacy was named after Stacy London, who is on the show with Clinton called What Not to Wear. She was a small little critter and i hope that she is playing in the giant pasture in the sky.

I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.

I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.

ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!

There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!

The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.

I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.

I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)

Snow=YUCK

2010-02-26T07:11:00.002-06:00

So i arrived home on Wednesday night and it was snowing. Today is now Friday and it is still snowing. It makes me sad to know that i came from a warm paradise to snow plow piles larger then the average person. My balcony is snowed in. Everything is covered, and it looks like it won't be stopping anytime soon. There's no sun, and that also makes me sad. Any water is covered with a thick layer of ice, there's no crystal blue waters here.

Getting off the plane and walking through the doors to where people collect the travellers is one of the best feelings ever. It's like my parents are seeing me for the first time. Big smiles and hugs. I share stories of my vacay on the way home and i also get filled in on what is new.

Last night i was more productive though. I was able to empty all my luggage and put things into an order of who gets what. It was nice to go through the things and see what i brought home. I think everyone that i bought for will be more then happy with what they get. I brought some really interesting things home, ie. a golf ball from Britannia golf course which was one of the original golf balls. Ed Hardy stuff (of course), some magnets, and some pirate stuff which is really cool. There's more I can assure you i just don't want to give anything away in case recipients read this.

I really miss my Bffffffff though. She was awesome to stay with and we did a lot of things that she wanted to do that no one really does with her. There was lots of bonding time, and it made me feel like it was the good ol' times or even better. We shared some really great food and drink and shopped like there was no tomorrow. Pampering ourselves is a must and we made sure we did our fair share of that too. There are still things that I want to do that we didn't get around to but I know when I go there next year, we will be doing them for sure.

Things That Go Bump or Thud or Crash in the Night

2010-02-22T06:57:00.009-06:00

A real, live Gecko that skitters the walls of the corridor at night. They blend in, or are cammoflaged. They are small and cute though. I haven't touched one which is probably a good thing!

Me dressed up! At Casanova's for dinner with our balcony table.

Me at the Pirate Caves, which is the closest thing to a local zoo. Bob is the name of the parrot sitting on my arm and he was very well behaved...thank god, because i am not the most comfortable with birds.

Bonding with my RaceCar!

My RaceCar

So last night i was in my sleeping area passed right out. I was having crazy dreams and I happened to kick the wall. The wall in the apartment is partially sanded stucco. So i woke up because i felt a really severe pain, and found that i had cut the pad right off my big toe and it had started to hemorrage all over the duvet (which i am taking to the cleaners today) and the fitted sheet (which i put in a cold water wash asap). Then because the washer sounds like a clunky demon it woke up my friend and i had to account for the sillyness which went on. That's ok it's a funny story. In my dream i was sitting in the dirt giving a lesson and this particular horse that i knew in the past trotted by and attempted to kick me. So me doing what i would do in real life, tried to kick it back and then the wall bit my toe. It's quite painful and i have to be careful walking so that i don't injure it anymore. I have a double band aid as well as a sock for protection. This just proves that things that go bump or "crash" (in my case) in the night are not a good thing.... the crazy life of Sg!

Yesterday was a wonderful day of pampering Caymanian style, but i'm not going to lie i already have been pampered on the thursday of last week because that time i had a massage that was just to die for. The girl worked me out so well that i felt like a piece of fluff. I was very impressed and told the owner of the salon so. I even said it was better then my experience at the Ritz and for a major affordable price.

The weather has been overcast which is a bit poopy but i still love it here. I like driving my little race car around the island. It's small and convenient and of course FAB. I was originally going to name it Herb after the Herbie movies but you can't really name a rental car so i just call it my little race car.

Last night we went out for dinner to Prime, which is a Brazilian Steak house. I went there last time that i was here but it was really nice this time and beat how fab it was compared to last. The lamb was incredible and i tried some suckling pig and couldn't get over how much i liked it because i am not a big fan of pig. We had our own little table in a secluded area and it was so private and nice. I like being treated like a princess! (Anyone who knows me knows that!). The night before we went to a restaurant called Casanovas and it was a REAL Italian restaurant. The food was awesome and we sat outside and had the roll of the waves serenade us over dinner. I made a toast to my friend showing my appreciation and love and i almost cried but i didn't!

We have been total movie hounds. We've seen: Edge of Darkness, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, The Fourth Kind, Valentine's Day, From Paris with Love. There is a trailer for the movie Green Zone which we have seen quite a few times and it looks amazing. Check it out if you can because it is sure to be a hit and it's from the director that created the Jason Bourne movies and Matt Damon is the lead character as well as having a great supporting cast. The movie Dear John looks fantastic as well, but we already knew that because i have read the book and i'm a sucker for Channing Tatum!

Classy Cayman is the way to go!

2010-02-14T20:02:00.009-06:00

HardRock Hurricane and some other tropical drink which was not good. It was replaced with a HardRock Hurricane (the orange colour drink). Check out the collectors item glasses!

Ginger Girl in the Cayman Islands... now that is TROUBLE!

The greatest invention ever. The Cone CONDOM. It prevents drips from the bottom of the cone as well as the sides keeping your hand pristine Clean!!! Wish they had these in Canada. Oh yeah and btw, that waffle cone was made 1 minute before this photo was taken so it's FRESH AND FAB!

Happy Valentines day to all, whether you're single or taken= I love you!

Sarah here from the wonderful paradise of the Cayman Islands!

I thought i would write a blog post when i got a chance. I arrived on Wednesday Feb. 10, and it's already Feb 14. I have spent time relaxing and enjoying the island lifestyle. Everyone is so happy and saying hello to strangers isn't strange at all. I am intaking the Vitamin D as much as possible so that i don't suffer from SAD as badly when i go back home to the cold north! I make it sound like i live in the Arctic or something and it really isn't true but i will say that it feels that way since i have no tolerance for the cold.

My BFFFFFFFFFF and I have had some really stellar meals at the local wrap place called Al La Kebab. We got attacked by mosquitos yesterday but that's ok the island is waiting on a bug repellant drop! Yeah, I was surprised to hear that too but that's the way it is.

My friend and I are really enjoying each others company and it's very much like old times :) We went for some pampering today and got manicures and booked appointments for Thursday to get massages. Since it is Sunday and the island is very religious, not very much is open. My friend is out with her boyfriend at the moment so i thought i would use my computer time wisely and write a post to my faithful followers!

The weather has been nice and i can't wait to do certain things this week, like go to stingray city, the turtlefarm, possibly rum point, have dinner at PRIME (a brazilian steak house), as well as enjoy some sushi. While i am at the turtle farm i might stop at Cracked Conch and get some conch fritters!

Friday night we went to the bar. The crowd was a lot older then we expected and the music was only meh but we stayed till 11 or 1130. I enjoyed some Sex on the Beach (drink) while my friend had very boozy Rum Punch (not a fav of mine). We boogied in our own little way and set the tone for the night to be ultra fun, and that's what it was.

I never want to leave here. I want to enjoy the sunshine and do some writing on my books/projects that i have on the go. This would be the perfect place to do that...minus the fact that it costs a fortune! Oh well, the way i see it, to live this sort of lifestyle there is a price and it's up to the person on whether it is worth it or not. I think it is...Geez, who wouldn't want to live in paradise all the time!

10/4 good buddies i will touch base soon!

Ciao!

CRITERIA....

2010-02-03T12:33:00.003-06:00

So I was asked by my counsellor to make a list of CRITERIA. (Things I want to do in my life, qualities I want to find in a partner, etc). She thinks this would be a good idea for me to start working on myself instead of continuing on with loveless relationships which just are degrading for my self esteem. In short, I need to think more of myself and raise my bar. I thought this would be a good idea to post it on my blog since I think other people should consider themselves and maybe try this exercise.

CRITERIA
-I want a man who is going to love me for me flaws and all (and is preferrably not already taken)
-I can see myself having a child within the next 5 years
-I have to get my life on the straight path so that I can welcome said child with no hitches
-I want my kid to be proud of me as a parent
-I want to have a job that is decent, and that i love going to work (it is out there)
-I want to have it proved to me that chivalry is not dead
-I see myself still living on my own (or eventually with a partner)
-I want to take a minimum of one trip a year
-I want to see the world (related to above statement), whether it is by myself or with people
-I want to continue writing my blog because i find it helps so much with venting and letting go of stress and what have you
-In the next 5 years i would like to at least have o
one book published, if i have more that's fantastic but one starts the process
-I want to continue learning about things, possibly learn sign language, take a course in fashion, or more writing courses
-I want to read everyday if possible, I love it so that shouldn't be hard to keep
-I want to take an adventure and enjoy it (not sure how to explain this)
-I want to get certain bad habits, addictions, etc, under control
-I want to be able to experience more then just 3 emotions and feel ok doing so
-I want to be a participant or guest at a wedding (haven't done that yet!)
-I want to have a few good friends that care about me a lot then have millions of friends who just know me
-I'd like to be a superhero to someone
-I want to love someone like there's no tomorrow
-I want to get another tattoo!
*There's probably many more but i think that's a good start!

What's your CRITERIA

You thinking about advertising in my comments section....THINK AGAIN!

2010-01-28T09:18:00.003-06:00

Well folks, I've had enough of it. People didn't seem to get my nice address to them when I politely asked them not to post advertisements for bullshit on the comments section of my blog. I'm sure you guys, as readers, are fed up with this malarky as well. Please excuse me for the next few seconds:

PEOPLE WHO WANT TO POST BULLSHIT ADS IN MY COMMENTS SECTION.... DON'T DO IT! I DON'T CARE WHAT PETTY BULLSHIT YOU ARE PEDDLING AND NEITHER DO MY READERS. FIND ANOTHER BLOG TO DO IT TO, OR EVEN BETTER CREATE YOUR OWN BLOG SO THAT PEOPLE CAN VISIT IT IF THEY SO CHOOSE. I DON'T CARE ABOUT BUILDING STOCK OPTIONS, CREATING SOLAR PANELS, OR OTHER SALES PITCHES. I'M SURE IN THE ENTIRE INTERNET THERE ARE MORE APPROPRIATE PLACES TO POST SUCH DRIVEL. STOP THIS AT ONCE! THANK YOU.

There readers! I did it! I once again addressed a re-occuring problem that is completely silly.

Last night I went shopping for clothes, that actually fit!, for when i leave for my trip. There was a lot of nice stuff but then there was a lot of sporadic granny time get-ups. I understand that retro styles and patterns are coming back and I'm a fan of them but when you put on a dress and it makes you look like a potato sack or the pattern looks like something out of granny's basement then there's a major problem. I was able to get a lot of shorts and stuff which will be great for the golf season and i won't feel so bad about wearing jeans all the time. Also there were some really awesome track pants, which i purchased, that are going to be fab for travelling. Even was lucky enough to get some going out shirts that were a decent price.

Cayman Islands, your time is fast approaching and near. Can't wait to rock it over there!

monday, monday.....

2010-01-25T10:01:00.002-06:00

Today is rainy and light grey outside. The drizzle of the rain can be heard in my bedroom. The bed heating up for my afternoon nap, soon to be nice and toasty. The sound of cars driving by outside the apartment complex.

I would like to talk about this application on Facebook that i am addicted to. It's called FARMVILLE. I am so good at virtual farming it's sad that I can't be that great at real farming. In FARMVILLE the only thing you can sell as edible items is the fruits and vegetables. All the animals have a purpose and none of them die. I am a geek though because I time my crops so that I can maximize every plot that I use for farming. Very rarely do my crops wither and die. This is probably the only way I can grow things and not have them die on me. That's ok though, that's probably why I play it all the time.

Today is day 16 for the Cayman Island countdown. So looking forward to going and time is going by so fast that i will be there in no time.

I'm considering making some pancakes. They sound so delish right now. Warm off the pan, drenched in oozy, golden maple syrup. Yep, it's been decided that's what i am doing after i finish this post.

I am hoping that i don't have a nap today but i am vehicle-less so i may end up soothing my afternoon urge. If i could though, i would really like to finish this dr. drama book that i am reading because i am very close to the end and I am 'dying' to know what happens. Pardon the pun, it wasn't funny.

Movies sound like a good order for the day since there is nothing else to do. I could if i really try though, play wii and actually feel better about doing something.

The men in my life: well, there are none. Not even FWB's or anything. So on this time alone i am going to focus on myself and learn things about me. I am going to consider why i am so dependent on company when i should just be chillin' Read some good books and some Cosmo mags so that i can learn new tricks. I think today is the day i hang up my profile on PLENTY OF FISH. The internet dating scene is just not for me I guess, or even the real life dating scene because i definitely don't have good guys knocking down my door. Today is the day that i attempt to let go of baggage and things that have recently happened to upset me. Today if anything i am allowed to feel blah as long as i am considering other things. Or a constant state of thought or pondering if you will.

I hope I check each point off with progress. Time will tell though :)

Dilemma...and Solution that has Nothing to do with Dilemma!

2010-01-22T13:19:00.007-06:00

Oh the life of the unemployed, who i would like to add is not getting benefits, is troublesome...and boring....and re-dickdonkulous!

I am having a dilemma that is not good. I cannot sit down and watch a movie, let alone pick a movie that is any good. The last good movie was 3 movies ago that was either yesterday or the day before. I know it sounds tough but with the amount of selection and variety i have it's mind boggling. I need a movie that is going to grab my attention and make me want to keep watching it. A movie that is different. Maybe a slasher flick, army pic, love/romance or comedy. I don't know a country and western movie sounds really good right now too. Although i could go with a good ole trusty movie i have in my personal collection of favourites. Maybe i want something i can sing a long with or something that i know the lines to. So many choices.... and so little time!

How pathetic was that? Is it really happening? Yes, it is right this moment.

I'm mental, so what!

By the way shout out to those that are counting down the days till I leave for the Cayman Islands (Feb 10.). I leave cold Canada for a tropical paradise in 19 days, 456 hours, 27360 minutes. My Bfffff is so excited and I am too. Nice weather and scenery, a VITAMIN D surplus for those of us that have Seasonal Affective Disorder. The grey weather gets ya down and you just want to stay in bed. I know I have done it a few days in my past and present. Going on a vacay in the winter to somewhere warm and beautiful is probably one of the best ideas I have gotten. Travelling on my own has given me courage and confidence to continue and do it more. It's independence at it's finest.

Is that a hint of backbone i see.... Yeah, i think so!

2010-01-21T13:01:00.002-06:00

Wow, today i am batting 1000.

People i thought that i could casually talk to when i see them come online.... nope, don't even think about messaging them because they don't want to hear it. Not just anything, everything. That's a nice way of saying F You, i guess. So why not write and tell you about it. Sure, the quiet yet always listening reader. People this week have taken me for a loop and i need to stop letting them. I get attached too easily and then it's like all or nothing, there's no middle compromise. These people lead you on to think you're friends with them and then they turn. Why do they do that? Because they are in a place of power and if you reach out to them and they say no, they know they can hurt you so, the solution is to stop talking to them. That solution is ideal but a very hard one to put into practice. Especially since the above people used to hang out and chill with you at any given time. Since when did mindless chitter chatter turn into stalking? That's news to me! Oh well, as a dear friend of mine would say.

Dear Person(s) Who Think It Is Ok to Advertise In My Comments Section:

Please cease action immediately. I don't really care what you are peddling and i'm sure my readers don't either. Before you even think about hitting the add comment button and posting some malarky, I want you to know that I don't appreciate such actions. I don't care about your crap and neither do my readers probably. If you continue to do this i will find some way of getting you in trouble. Not sure how but i will... i'm a fixer after all. I take my comments section very seriously and read each and every one. Please don't make me have to read another poorly spelled advert for something i care nothing about.

Thanks,

Sarah
(Blogger!)

Woe is me......

2010-01-19T16:12:00.002-06:00

So today started out as a good day but then after a group i go to, i became upset and didn't want to be around anyone.

When i become really emotional, it's almost like i can't handle or want to deal with the emotions. It's part of one of the mental illnesses i have, but that doesn't make it any easier.

People are tough for me to read. By read i mean: know what kind of a person they are and what they might be like with any intentions they may have. A friend of mine can get a general feel of a person very quickly. It's almost like she has a secret power if you will. I wish i had this power then i may not have such bitterness when i can see what people really want from me. Yeah i know another pathetic post about my roomy but this is the only place that i can say whatever i want and maybe ten people will read it or none but it's a venting place. I'm lucky to have it and value its importance greatly. So i was informed by a mutual friend that he thinks i am bothering him all the time, when really i have only tried to get a hold of him a few times. Well today i was going to show him that i am still a good friend. His car is broken and he is lost in what to do so i did some research for him and got the diagrams that he needs to get working on the problem. Yeah i know, back to my fixer ways for him. So i took the information to his work because i was excited that i may have found a way to solve his problems once again. He wouldn't even come out and get the papers himself... he was busy! Maybe he was really busy i don't know but he could have texted me that he received them at least. Maybe say thank you. I don't understand why breaking things off with him are so hard. I know that he doesn't respect me and stuff like but i miss his company. Not his sexual company, his company when we played wii together and always had baseball competitions. I have been doing really well and holding up a strong front but today, i cracked. I cried. I sniffled. I can't begin to comprehend why this bothers me so, i've being doing really well with the getting over him and spending time by myself more and stuff. Insight says that maybe i really miss him in my life because we had fun. I need to let go though and say enough. I need some confidence and courage. I need to move on with this issue and get over it instead of letting it get to me sometimes.

Questions pop into my head all the time:
-are the good people really gone?
-why are there so many shitty people?
-why am i so easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
-having a few close friends is great, but do you really have to run them through as series of tests before you find out how good a friend they will be?

For today i have lost faith in the human race. A fair percentage of people take it's 'my way or the highway' attitude. When did we lose sight of mediation and compromise? It's been gone for a while and the younger generations are missing certain values that are an asset to being of the generations before them. So many people want the 'silver spoon' lifestyle, yet so many suffer and can hardly get to what might be considered normal. In the end, each and every one of us decides how we are going to be. It takes some time and growing up, it's not like we are born knowing what we are going to be like right away. With mistakes and lessons learned only then can we become the beautiful and unique flower/tree that each of us is meant to be.

Saturday Night was Sushi Night! What a HIT!

2010-01-18T15:54:00.009-06:00

Me enjoying a deep fried wonton!

Showing off my tempura shrimpy!

True vegetable fried rice, actually made with sticky rice...so tasty!

California rolls with imitation crab meat in the middle (at the top), (left to right) salmon, red snapper, tuna, squid, sashimi.

Miso Soup

Dragon Rolls. The meat on top is grilled eel.

Wasabi flowerette

So when i was visiting the cottage on the weekend, my mum and her bf took me for sushi.

I like trying things this was an experience an a half. I really enjoy doing random things and even though this was planned i was sooo looking forward to it.

I tried various types of items: eel, red snapper, tuna, salmon, squid, dragon rolls, california rolls, tempura vegetables and shrimp, calamari, deep fried wontons, chicken teriyaki, real vegetable fried rice, miso soup, rice wine (saki).

I was a little sad because my best friend is a sushi snob and she wanted to take me ages ago but i wasn't ready to be so adventurous. Mum promised that next time she's home we will take her for sushi!, Can't wait to do that either.

I absolutely loved the squid, it was one of my favourite things. The red snapper was good as well. Calamari was a hit as usual same with the deep fried wontons. There were somethings that i would like to try again because i wasn't sure about the taste, i found the eel quite fishy tasting. Not in a disturbing way but i would like to try it again and give it a fair chance. The saki was not my favourite, I find it is like drinking rubbing alcohol and just don't find it a pleasurable taste. And i was ashamed by my performance because i cannot eat with chopsticks, so i had to request a knife and fork.

The only thing i really enjoyed about the sushi was there is so much pride and care taken into play when preparing and presenting the food. Above you will see some pics from my experience. Hey! You might want to try it if any of it looks appealing!

Stupid walking group...... I did this to myself though!

2010-01-13T06:27:00.002-06:00

I've been up since 7 am.

I said that i would join the walking group that i sometimes participate in at a walk around a local place at 830 am.

Why did i do this? Well the answer is simple and two fold: it gets me out of the house and secondly, i am exercising as much as i can before i go to the Cayman islands, which is happening in 28 days. Was talking with my best friend down in the KY, and we were discussing all the fun things that we want to do. I'm very excited to see her and there is a bunch of gifts i have for her from Christmas and just 'cause so...... Can't wait to see her smiling face when i get off the plane. Then the fun truly begins and it's just like old times!

I have been living the single life lately, which isn't so bad now, but was lonely when i first kicked my roommate out. He's only made one appearance in my life which is interesting. He brought someone with him to pick up his mail. I didn't invite him into the apartment just gave him his stuff and then he left. He owes me a lot of money but since he doesn't like me i may not see that money. I think that's very irresponsible if he does that but it wouldn't be un-ordinary for him since his morals and values are few and far between. I don't want to sound like i am continually bashing him because that would give you the impression that i still think about him being in my life and wanting him in my life. I have notes posted around the apt. to remind me that he is not a good friend. He will come around when he wants something I'm sure, or at least that's what a dear friend said to me.

So, after scuffing my face in the apt. against the wall, i am left with a cut above my eye, just under the eyebrow, that if anything bothers it, it bleeds. Bleed sesh's are getting less frequent which is good but i hope this damn thing will heal so i don't look like a retard anymore. Certain people that i have seen quite a fair bit have even mentioned it and how bad it looks, my response is it feels worse but i'm lucky.

Time to go put my long johns on and dress warmly so that i don't freeze while walking. Knowing my luck it will be a frigid day and i will wear the Lj's for the whole day. That's alright though, it's all about comfort right!

I'm a fixer.... and i readily admit it!

2010-01-08T07:56:00.005-06:00

At what point do people, certain ones in particular feel they are entitled to everything on a silver platter when they haven't earned or worked for it.

Yep, you guessed it....another post about my ex-roomie.

Yesterday was my breaking point. He spoke with me but all he could say is how i have ruined everything and he has to go fix the f- ups that i made, i'm an f-ing retard, and so you can imagine what the lash out contained. I don't want to talk to him anymore because i don't deserve that treatment in anyway, and he should have taken care of such issues before he left my apartment instead of me having to take care of it on Tuesday. I realize more and more that i was his fixer. Whenever he had a problem or an issue i would appear and fix it, whether it be monetary, emotionally, or whatever else. People that are fixers usually get taken for granted and that's what has happened here. I have helped him so much that now that i won't help him he doesn't like it and everything is my fault. WRONG AGAIN! His problems are not my problems, it's very immature to lash out to someone because they have rinsed their hands of your bs. In reality the people that are fixers should get a giant repetitive thank you for all that they have done to make the life of the person they helped easier.

Then comes the point though, if you constantly are a fixer for these people not only do they depend on you to fix their next set of problems but they also become dependent on you for the wrong reasons. The fixers get used and abused because they are good hearted people that have a hard time saying no. It's the truth. No for some reason is in our vocabulary but not at the top of the list or even near the top. We do whatever we can to assist and help at all costs. There is a price to pay though. When you come to your breaking point and you start saying no to those that are dependent you better be prepared for being cursed at, shunned, and ridiculed for no reason, just because you won't fix their problems. At some points it's hurtful and others all i can do is laugh and say "Wow look at how immature this person is," to myself.

It comes to a point where I say ok fine, this is how it's going to be: I can't have you in my life because you damage my feelings and self esteem, you are destroying your own life and i don't want to be taken down in your tailspin, and the only relevant solution is to eliminate you from my life. Yeah it makes me sound like the bad guy in some ways but in others, it's a weight off my shoulders and i can move on and focus on my own struggles and battles. So for those of you reading this that are fixers, please look at the situations you are fixing for these people and consider: is it really worth it? do i get treated properly? is the person that i am fixing for appreciative? and a few other questions but these are the main ones. If the answer is no then you have some serious thinking to do as to who stays in your life and wreaks havoc or who is a valuable friend to have in your life.

Burn me, I burn you..... literally

2010-01-04T17:53:00.003-06:00

So i am starting to put my foot down. I have had enough of my ex-roommate treating me like dirt. This picture resembles how i feel in a great way. Even he looks like the burning of the photo is hurting him. So it should. 2010 is the year that i don't put up with shit from people and i teach people to treat me better. There is a 3 strike rule in effect that means if you treat me badly 3 times in a particular visit, then i am leaving that persons company. I used it this weekend with my dad because he was in a peculiar mood and then I am using it today with someone that i have had a hard time saying no to. I thought he was my friend but when he started accusing me of stealing i knew right then and there, he didn't think of me as a friend. He thinks and treats me like one of his regular lackies or follow alongs. Sure i did the dance for a while but my foot comes down today. Considering I have risked a lot and gone through a lot, this is the perfect way to make me change my thinking. I am very bitter at this point. I am saddened that he thinks treating me like trash is acceptable. I am saddened that he does not appreciate what i have done and gone through for him. The distress it put on my and my parents relationship. The bad habits that were capitalized on because i wanted to be high all the time. The zillion times that when we were doing things, i paid for him or smoked him for free. He led a charmed life while at my apartment. It kills me when he says he was at the object of his affections cottage and her parents just love him because he helps out (ie. by randomly doing dishes and stuff), meanwhile when he lived here he had to be begged to do chores. It's all a facade though, i realize that now. He plays the good boy card when he can fool people, but when you start to see holes through his act, that's when he turns. He's not the only one that i have experienced this with but he is making me re-think how i pursue certain friendships and relationships.

I must say there was a guy from my past that i helped out and he wanted to meet and have a coffee, but i just don't feel that i can be around that person anymore. He borrowed money from me and never paid it back. Sure he did the poor me song and dance but i decided that this is the year that i think more of myself and not re-kindle certain r-ships that could be potentially harmful. What's with these people always coming out and around when they want something? Shows that they have no pride or class..... at least in my books,

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh! January 2, 2010!

2010-01-02T07:39:00.004-06:00

So.... Today is the 2nd of January 2010. Man time flies! To all, i wish you a good new year and may the wishes and resolutions you made come true and it be a happy and prosperous year for you. In short: eat, drink and be merry, and enjoy your company!

I was able to stay up on New Years, which is a rarity for me. No, I didn't make any resolutions because i don't believe in making them and then breaking them. I want to write lots this year and keep up the good work i have done one staying clean.....today is day 20.

It is exactly 39 days till i leave for the Cayman Islands, where my BFF and i plan to rule the island for a solid 2 weeks. It will be a time of relaxation, tanning, good food, good company (which should be first), and FUN. I plan to either take my comp down or use my BFF"s comp and get some writing done and read some of the million books i got at Christmas. Maybe the easier thing for me to do is just take a memory schtick down and then put all my work and pictures on that.... then i won't have to travel with my comp! I will see what my friend advises is the best thing. When i go down and visit her i will also be giving her the long awaited christmas presents that i made for her! Oh i can't wait and neither can she! Maybe some Romeo will sweep me off my feet when i am away! (I doubt the last one will happen though!)

As a treat i am going to give you a short little writing exercise from my WRITER'S BOOK OF MATCHES, which was given to me by my mentor.

Prompt= AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN BECOMES OBSESSED WITH HER IMPERCEPTIBLE FLAWS.

I sit at the mirror and I think what is wrong with me. Why will no guy stay around. Is it because I love sex and they can't keep up? Or maybe the fact that sometimes i would rather just have my way with them and then have them leave. Or.... maybe they see something that i cannot see or that something comes up on their radar when i am around them. I have started to be critical of everything. The way I dress, the way i do my hair, the way i act around them. Nothing seems to be working. There has to be something that i don't recognize that they automatically see that makes me untouchable. Sure, I've talked with guys, gone on a few dates, even got to the point where i like a few of these guys, but when it comes to them coming back or even returning a simple message, I get deleted....erased. It has happened so many times that i get a little bit hurt but the pain isn't as much as it used to be. I've started to prepare myself before i go into anything now, that this guy won't be here long and then the next will come along after he's done and then he will move on after a little bit as well. A vicious circle where i am unhappy and alone. My friend has it all:the body, the looks, the great job, a man who is by her side and won't leave (actually that's to a bad point at times). As i get older i want to settle down each day more and more. I want to be able to come home and have a meal with my man and then cuddle and watch a movie. Maybe i am trying to hard to figure out what these flaws are... maybe that's why they remain hidden and i am still on my own. Although, i am getting to the point where i am ready to say "Fuck it. I am who i am. If you want to be in my life you have to love me flaws and all!" But as a side note i would like to say, "Can you tell me what that hidden flaw is because it's bugging the hell out of me."

Movie Review: AVATAR 2009

2009-12-30T16:49:00.003-06:00

So last night i took my mum to the movies at the movie theatre in town. It was cheap night and when a movie is only $5, how can you say no to affordable entertainment. We saw Avatar, which is directed by James Cameron and it's supposed to be the best when compared to Titanic, Aliens or The Terminator movies. The thing that made Avatar so special was that it wasn't like any other movie i had seen. The closest i could come to comparing it was to Ferngully which was a Disney movie. This is the same sort of idea, it just is way better. The colours were to die for. They were hynoptic greens, twisting turquoises, and perfect purples. The vibrancy was that of a type of glow in the dark type item. The scenery was beautiful and unreal. It was like something you would see in a dream. The one thing that was really amazing was the main character had been injured some way and was in a wheelchair and through the 'avatar' process he was able to regain the use of his legs again. An idea that seemed impossible for him. Cameron captured the raw urge of the humans to want to profit and money is what makes the world go round. I think that he got the ruthlessness of the General character perfect. It was his way or no way, hell or highwater. It was really sad how pathetic the people seemed. The main tribe in the movie was spiritual, loving, and teaching each other. As soon as shit starts to go down you almost think twice about decisions and stuff you have done because it shows what assholes people can be. I didn't see the movie in 3d which i heard is the way to see it but i actually think that if i was doing the 3d experience it would cause me some issues because when they do the cliff diving type stunts i would be shitting my pants! I'm sure it would be an experience to see it in IMAX but it would still be hard because you would still get the feeling that you were right there doing what the character is doing.

PLEASE SEE THIS FILM IT'S AMAZING.

9 1/2 Weeks.... AMAZING MOVIE, A MUST SEE

2009-12-28T16:04:00.002-06:00

Inspiration: 9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke

It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.

He's Seeing the Problem, but what will he do about it....DAY 14!!!!!!

2009-12-27T14:32:00.004-06:00

As the Christmas season comes to an end, a very dear friend has succumbed to the horrible life of drugs. He doesn't believe that pot is a drug but he is going to the deep depths of the crappy life spiral that it offers. Messing around with other drugs is not helping his situation. He got to experience what withdrawl from meds prescribed for depression is like and he couldn't handle it. He got scared and that led him to doing stupid things. He has made some commitments and promises which is good but whether he can keep them or not is up to him. I hope for his benefit that he can keep the promises and work towards a clean and sober lifestyle.

I know that today is my 14th day. I feel a lot better, i am more productive and my fam and friends see a huge change. I feel way better and i'm not coughing up as much crap as i was. Sure i still have moment where my lungs want to evacuate some crap but that's only reasonable considering how long i had been abusing them. The one thing i am finding common about people addicted to poppers is that they don't view pot as a drug they see it as nothing harmful, but with THC content in each batch being different and the middle getting their customers where they want them it is an addictive drug. I was lucky that i was able to see the light when i did or i would have lost a fair amount. My parents would never see me lose everything because what kind of parents would they be if that happened. I know that my bad habits led to a lot of rough times with relationships with people and it totally changed me as a person. I don't want that for my life. I want to be independent, attempt at being happy, and enjoy life instead of abusing it.

Season of Emotion + Popper Chronicles Announcement :(

2009-12-25T18:51:00.003-06:00

So my christmas eve and christmas day were fantab but boxing day is going to really be the shit!

CHRISTMAS EVE

At first i was worried about going. Hell, I even had a panic attack while driving down to the cottage, which is owned by my mum's boyfriend. Then i chose some good driving music and let all cares be released and i was just going to live out each moment that occured. No worrying anymore about the future or present, or how feelings could be hurt or whatever drama may come. After I got to the cottage and saw my mum and her smiling face i knew that i was going to be ok because she was going to be there for me if i needed anything: support, a hug, or just a smile. We carried in my stuff and i was immediately drawn to say hi to my nana. I have been of a bit of a weirdo and pulled back from her so i haven't seen her for what might seem like a eon. Hair done the same, nylons and slippers, and her classic pair of glasses perched on top of her head like a pair of cool shades. I said hi and then gave her a big hug that possessed emotions i didn't think i had were possible and then it flashed before my eyes what a jerk i had been and that i kinda miss having a nana. She was really good about it too, just acted like old times and that is was just like seeing me the day before. I was very impressed by her forgiveness. I can only imagine what type of strength that would have. I socialized with the bf and he was pretty cool too. (I had done the same to him. Yeah i know what's with me!) Mum was in the kitchen working away like she always done and making an old favourite of mine that had my taste buds watering hours after eating such a delicious meal. I assisted the bf with some computer stuff so that he has another piece of the world at his finger tips. Some people are so gracious when you are able to open another portal of the technological world to them. I'm used to it now so i can explore around at my will and do things, such as this blog. We watched a movie together... well i would say we watched about 3 mins of the movie together then everyone except me was in their own little naptime world. That's ok! I thought it was kind cute and family-like. Sleep was challenging and strange.

CHRISTMAS DAY

I woke up and made a pit stop at the bathroom before seeing anyone else. Good thing because i always wonder if i look like a decent morning person or a zombie looking type person. Went to the kitchen and mum and the bf were making coffee, and already starting another day of food heaven for me. Mum was even happier when i had saw her the day before, it's like every minute i was there my mum loved me more. It was a good feeling and one that i haven't felt for a logn time. We chittered chattered, and puttered around before and after breakfast. Simon, the cat, was our morning entertainment. (I love live entertainment!) We then decided to open presents to comply with christmas day family tradition. The gifts given and received were so thoughtful and interesting. That's something you can really learn about a person and how they are, is by the gifts they receive. Laughter was shared and silly faces were made while taking pictures of the days events started. Smiles and hugs were shared by all and it was yet again, another family moment. Then by the early afternoon i decided that i had better start making my trek back to the 'Bridge to be with dad for dinner and apparently he was going to 'whip my ass' at Scrabble. I thought that was very bold of him considering I am a lady of many words! Leaving was difficult because i just wanted to stay and enjoy some more familytime but I also didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings by not seeing him on christmas day. I asked mum to help me put my stuff in the truck for the ride home and that she did. She expressed how much she loved me and how important it was to her that i come up and spend some time with her. I love my mum dearly, and this moment really warmed my heart. Special, comes to mind and fits very well. Then i went home, had a nap and then went to the farm to spend some quality time with my dad on the farm. Before we helped each other with the food, we shared a big hug and the love felt in that hug was something i have never received from my dad as a parent. He's not emotional or understanding of his or other peoples feelings. But the hug felt like he was opening up to me and giving that genuine approval that i have been seeking for my entire life. Even though we hugged for a short period of time the moment passed slowly and was lovely to experience.

THE POPPER CHRONICLES ANNOUNCEMENT

I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT POT AND POPPERS FOR 12 DAYS TODAY. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. I'M NOT COUGHING UP NEAR AS MUCH STUFF AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY LUNGS AND BODY FEELING BETTER.I AM KIND OF SAD THOUGH AS I WRITE THIS, A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME A GRAM OR SO FOR CHRISTMAS AND I HAD TO TAKE IT BECAUSE THEY INSISTED. I CAME HOME AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ADVENTUROUS AND REWARD MY SELF WITH A LITTLE TASTE. I'VE BEEN DOING SO WELL AND I TRULY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEM BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T BE THAT BAD. NOW THAT I HAVE DONE THEM I FEEL VERY GUILTY. I'VE LET MYSELF DONE. I WRITER THIS AND AM ALMOST IN TEARS. I DID 3 POPPERS AND THEN PUT MY THINGS AWAY NOT TO USE THEM AGAIN. YES I STILL HAVE MAJORITY OF THE WEED IN MY SECRET SPOT BUT I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY WRITING MOJO, THAT I HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK. SO I AM BEING HONEST AND TELLING THE TRUTH AND I AM GOING TO CALL MY MUM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER AND SHE MIGHT BE VERY UPSET BUT I AM GOING TO TELL HER THAT I AM VERY SORRY AND REGRET WHAT I DID BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL (MORALLY) VERY GOOD RIGHT NOW AND I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. SORRY READERS, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP FAITH IN ME, I'M NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF JUST YET EITHER.

Get A Load Of This Guy!

2009-12-23T07:40:00.006-06:00

So my first adventure for the day was i gave my one number to this guy to talk to him. His profile read :

"Please don't say that you like "any" or "all" types of music.. 'cause frankly that means that you have no taste.... Don't show me pictures of you in a bikini... please have some class.. don't put up a picture of your dog.. 'cause... i'm not interested in your dog... just 'cause you've been to paris or australia or jumped out of a plane or climbed some stupid mountain... it means nothing to me... 'cause i've probably been and done things your mind couldn't even dream of... be different"

So my response to his saying hello to me was:

Dear "x",

Thanks for the wonderful compliments.

I just read your profile and was surprised by how negative it sounded.

I'm sure you are a great person and all but it came off as kind of cocky. Maybe you have done things that I have never done which would be interesting to hear about but the profile that i read really doesn't make me want to pursue anything.

Ciao

Sarah

So anyway he calls me and starts giving me shit for being honest and telling me what a closed person i am. He starts grilling me, are you healthy? blah blah blah, and my response was well i don't want to be interrogated right now so.... Then i went into detail about the Cayman Islands because he is going there for a wedding. He was cocky, obnoxious and arrogant. He was dying to meet me tonight and see if we hit it off, but by the conversation we had i was just like "Who is this guy?" I like all types of music and i know that. I think it's nice when people put pictures up of their animals because that means they are so important to them. Yeah there are some people that have no class, well majority, but that's not my decision to bash them and make fun of them or be negative about them. This guy had it in his head that it was my lucky day to talk to him and that i should go to Cayman islands with him so that he doesn't have to get a tour guide, or another person he doesn't know. Come on dude, seriously, you just take random people on trips. I don't and i don't want to be a tour guide for someone with the likes of you. Someone who broadly states they have been around the world 5 times yet has never been to a beachy place! So is that really considered being around the world five times, you're missing some vital places...I think he over did it with the been around the world 5 times deal. When someone says that to me I think well they have visited every country or continent at least and at the young age of 32 which he was that's very impressive, but alas that was not the case. He has probably travelled to popular places and that is consider all around the world, not in my books though.

NOTE TO SELF- never give out my number to someone who thinks they are all that and a bag of chips when really they are a cocky ASSHOLE! It's not my lucky day to talk to you, the role is reversed! Now i sound like a cocky ASSHOLE, good thing i didn't go any further with this guy because i think it would have been clashing right from the start.

Day 10, Halfway through my 21 days!

2009-12-23T07:40:00.002-06:00

Today is the beginning of day 10. I have made it 10 days clean and sober, no pot! This makes me feel really good and makes my parents and doctor feel even better. People are starting to recognize the old me is coming back, only this time I'm more creative and motivated. I find that by now i just don't have the want to do pot. I could careless if someone did it infront of me or offered it to me, i just don't have the desire to do it. My body is feeling so much better, physically, mentally, emotionally, and whatever else. I almost have my voice back to full power so i don't squeak anymore which is really nice and people can understand what i am saying without me having to repeat myself (which is a pet peeve of mine!). My doctor was so excited when i told her yesterday that i was 9 days clean from pot she gave me a high five, a hug and was so happy. When i get a call from my dad and he hears that my voice is coming back quite strongly, he sounds like he is going to cry because he is so proud of me. My mum is more happy when she talks to me and enjoys my company just like before, when i was not a drug addict. Sure i did the odd joint or bong every once and a while but that's fine it's not like it's an everyday process. My one boy toy was so proud of me for quitting pot that he wants to quit for a while too because he finds that he is doing it all day everyday since he has been laid off. I had a chat with my mentor about my story and that i was sharing on my blog and she was happy because she said most people don't recognize that pot is addictive, yet the drug lords that grow and sell do anything they can to raise the THC content so that people keep coming back to them. I don't feel bad when i tell people, like you dear reader, that i was addicted to pot because i think it's better to share and have people know what it is about and where it leads. Just thinking about it now, i am almost halfway there to my 21 days, and that's exciting. The time is going by so fast, too fast for the christmas season because i don't have some christmas presents and i need to get them today! I want to go out more, i want adventure and spontaneity back. That's what was special about me and i love that it is coming back full force. Sure at night time i like to relax on the sofa bed and watch movies but i'm still doing it clean and it's so relaxing. The cats notice a difference too because they join me on the sofa bed and we have a little family reunion. In this case, CHANGE IS GOOD, and i have to keep up the good work. The progress is definitely incentive. I also talked to a contact and they said that they would be willing to do an interview type deal to share their story about being addicted to poppers and pot. I am also proud to say that i am actually saving money. You never realize how expensive and detrimental it is until you have savings and you can see that money is available since it is not being spent on bad recreational habits. So many pluses it's fantab.

Day 7, A full week complete + some FYI about Grow Ops

2009-12-20T19:28:00.002-06:00

Today is Day 7 and i am clean as a whistle.

My voice is coming back gradually. I hope it's back in time for Christmas but i don't really care in someways.

My health is getting back to normal. I notice that the puking from stress has stopped and my guts are gradually getting better. I am learning that i like living on my own again. I don't have to worry about anyone else and I can do things around the apartment without having to ok it by someone.

I found this article in the Toronto Sun, December 18, 2009. It is written by Mindelle Jacobs. (Just some FYI information about Pot and Grow Ops)

SHEDDING SOME LIGHT ON OUR POT LAWS

The Conservative government and the Liberal-dominated Senate may find this a buzz kill but a drug expert says neither of their approaches to prosecuting pot producers makes sense.

Earlier this year, MPs passed a drug bill that included a mandatory minimum sentence of 6 months in jail for growing as few as five pot plants. Drug reform advocates slammed the legislation as draconian. Then the Senate began pruning the bill and just passed an amended version.

The re-written bill would spare pot growers an automatic jail term unless they're caught cultivating more than 200 plants. The Senate has now punted the legislation back to the House of Commons where it could be gutted and redrafted.

Meanwhile, pot producers will merrily continue running their grow-ops and raking in astronomical amounts of tax free money, people will continue smoking pot and getting cravings for the munchies and Canadians will continue wondering if all politicians are spaced out.

(In other words, are pot grow-ops a national priority compared to, say, joblessness, a floundering economy, a teetering healthcare system or how we're going to afford to repair our crumbling infrastructure?)

But if our politicians insist on focusing on pot grow-ops our laws should at least reflect the reality of marijuana cultivation.

That is, legislation should be based on the number of lights, not plants, says Darryl Plecas, director of the Centre for Criminal Justice Research at the University of the Fraser Valley.

One 1000 watt bulb will produce a pound of dried bud no matter how many plants you have, he explains. If one grower has one plant under one light, he'll produce one pound of pot. If he's got 16 plants under on light (the typical scenario), he'll still only end up with one pound of bud. The 16 plants won't grow as high.

LEGISLATION

Growers will simply adjust their cultivation patterns to reflect what's in the legislation, says Plecas. "The Senate could not have gone further to perpetuate the number and problem of grow operations."

Over the next couple of years, growers will just shift the way they operate- fewer plants but more lights, he explains. "Why would somebody need 200 plants?"

And more lights will mean more theft of electricity and an increasing likelihood of fires, says Plecas.

B.C. Criminology student and medical marijuana patient Brian Carlisle, who has helped Plecas with his research, began experimenting with plants and light several years ago.

He says he was shocked to find out that it didn't matter how many plants he grew. One bulb over six plants, for instance, produced the same amount of pot as one plant under one bulb. The number of lights, therefore, is the most accurate way to determine the production level of an indoor grow-op, says Carlisle.

"I think (politicians) are being fed incorrect information," he says.

Plecas says the legislation should have ignored the number of plants and set jail terms for more then 5 lights.

"Once you get beyond five lights... it's clearly more then can be consumed for personal use."

How times have changed. Remember when a Senate committee recommended that pot be legalized?

Day 3 = Complete and Successful

2009-12-17T15:22:00.003-06:00

Yesterday was day 3 clean. I was baking my Mexican Wedding Cakes for my bake list and I was really productive and positive. Mum decided to take me out for dinner because i had been baking during the day and she wanted to treat me! It was really nice and it was almost like old times when mum and i hung out. We talked about everything under the sun and had an enjoyable meal. I tried cammomile tea which was interesting and had a flavour that I couldn't peg down for the life of me. Still no comparison to the peppermint tea that i have been drinking everyday but it was a nice change.

As the days go by, it is easier and easier to be clean and avoid the poppers and weed. Today will be my fourth day clean and as you can tell from my previous post it has been a tough day but i refuse to give into my addiction. I don't want to start over again and i need to let my body heal.

I got the results back from my chest xray and blood work and i am glad to say that i do NOT have pneumonia. I was worried that they would find cancer in my lungs from all the bad recreational habits i have been doing but I am a very lucky duck. Each day i am clean my parents are more proud of me and they are starting to trust me again. I feel bad for the stress and hectic-ness that i have caused in their lives but as they see me changing they realize how hard i am trying and making an effort. I hated and still hate the person the drugs turned me into. I feel like i have lost so much but then there is the journey of getting it all back and realizing what certain things and people actually mean in my life.

Day 4 is almost over and it has been a success too! Keep up the good work SARAH !

He's Gone

2009-12-17T14:38:00.003-06:00

I write this with the feeling of failure. My roommate just left and took all his stuff with him. I had to ask him to leave because i didn't like the way he was treating me. When he came and picked his stuff up he acted like nothing was wrong that i was the one with all the problems and that i had caused stress in his life. There weren't many rules for living here but he seemed to think they were intolerable cruelty and made quite a few snide remarks about it. I really tried to help him out, let him live at my house and try and get his life straightened around but there was no success. I don't know why i find this so upsetting but many people have told me there is no need for me to be this upset. Many think that him living with me was a giant mistake. And to a certain degree it was. I had access to things that i shouldn't have. It caused me to be sick and get more addicted to pot then i ever imagined.

How can i feel like i failed? Well he came here to try and sort his life out but instead things just got worse and more out of control. He is on his own wave length and doesn't think anything for anyone but himself. Turning the problem around to make me the issue was his way of dealing with things. People could see how hurtful and awful he was treating me but i was blinded by the light for sure. I was the one to always say, Oh come on, he's not that bad give him a chance, when others could clearly see through his facade. I guess that says morew about how gullible i am then anything. I tried to help out of the goodness of my heart and it did nothing but hurt me and make me sick.

I have to keep telling myself that it is for the best. In reality it is for the best, and deep down I know that. It just really hurts right now. After all I went through for him to live at my house and then for him to treat me like garbage just makes me really sad. I was one of the few that kept constant faith in him and rooted for him when no one else would. I guess the lesson to be learned from this situation is that I have to learn to wait to trust people before i jump in with both feet. There was a reason why his mum kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I took him in because i didn't want to see him homeless or stuck. In reality though, he made it quite clear to me that finding a place to live is easy. It's just a place to live. He forgets though that some houses have rules, even if there aren't many and rules need to be followed.

I have to remind myself that him living here when i am trying to go clean and straight is not feasible when he still wants to be doing drugs and so on. I have to focus on myself and get my life back together. I am worth something and I need to raise my bar so that I don't just accept anything anymore. I need to bring in the rationality factor and think twice before doing things.

Buck up dear Sarah! You can get through this... at least that's what i keep telling myself.

DAY 2 = Clean and Sober! Working on Today, which is Day 3!

2009-12-16T09:58:00.003-06:00

I have some great news for those of you following the popper chronicles:

1. I was clean yesterday, so that is day 2 completed and i am working on being clean today so today will be day 3 with some success.

2. I googled The Popper Chronicles and my blog came up as the fourth choice on google. That means that my message is getting out there someway somehow. Very exciting.

THE TEST

Yesterday my roommate had a very stressful day. He is supposed to be going straight with me as well but i don't think he has the drive quite yet. He still wants to be able to party and do whatever is infront of him. Whether it be weed or other drugs that could interfere with his medications. Anyway, i picked him up after a meeting that i had and he said he had already done 2 poppers. He then said to me that he had enough for some more poppers and he proceeded to ask me if i was interested in doing some poppers with him. I thought about it for a minute, which went by like a flash i'm not going to lie. I thought to myself I have just started being clean and why would i want to set myself back to where i was, or have to start over again. So with all the strength and courage and positivity inside me, I said no thanks i'm on day 2 and I don't want to start again. I was very proud of myself for turning it down. It could have been so easy to say yes I will take those poppers with you but i know i made the right decision. I have been sick for about 2 months now which is ridiculous i know, but because i didn't care about my health or what the poppers were doing to me, it made me worse. Last night was the first night that I slept a full night and this morning i feel great. I had no hack attacks (coughing fits) and was able to get 11 hours of decent sleep. That's encouragement for me right there to keep winning the battle against my addiction. I am doing my best to not replace the poppers or the crave with smoking either. I find that i like the illusion of having a fake cigarette in my hand (which usually ends up being my tube of SoftLips, lip balm). A doctor once told me that people that smoke actually do deep breathing (a calm down technique) when they are having a smoke. So if you can get rid of the ciggy you are practicing a good technique that will help you in the long run. So i practice it with my lip chap as silly as it sounds. After i have a few fake hauls, i feel relaxed and totally different. It is common when quitting an addiction to replace the one you are quitting with something else, but if i can keep it up i am doing my body a huge service. I am saving my lungs, making my guts feel better, and in total it all adds up to me feeling better. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing and therefore i am going to keep the battle going and i plan and will WIN! How's that for positivity?

Day 1 = Completed, + My Story

2009-12-15T08:09:00.002-06:00

So i did it. Yesterday was my first day without any pot. There was some stress to the day when my truck decided to lose it's steering, i was lucky enough to not be dead! If i had lost control of my vehicle on the highway or something it would definitely be a tragedy and there would be no more Life & Times of Sg.

Yeah so i have been clean one whole day, and yes it was hard yesterday i'm not going to lie. When everything was said and done i definitely could have used some 'bad' relief but i chose to sleep instead and get myself settled.

I also did some ground work for the popper chronicles. I found some people that might be interested in sharing their story about how poppers changed their life and they don't want to be addicted to weed at anymore. You may find the stories similar and maybe even repetitive but the point is to compare and show that most of us addicted to poppers are going through the same stuff, have meds that they interact with, and most of all want change.

With that said, i plan to inform those that don't know about poppers and what they can do to your life. How they will make you change, which happens to majority of us. I also want to be able to inform people that see themselves starting to get addicted to poppers so that they could see the outcome before they lose everything.

MY STORY

It wasn't until he said that reason he was asking how many poppers i did in a day and that he said he noticed a major change. I couldn't see what was happening because i was in my little drug fiend world and i was looking for my next high. There's a problem right there. I started to want to get high and then just stay in the apartment. Things that i was doing, I didn't want to do them anymore i would rather just stay at home and get high. I didn't want to see people unless they were getting high with me. Didn't want to leave the apartment for even the slightest of chores. I had no fuse, i was angry all the time, depressed and just felt like a bag of shit. People noticed a major change in especially my parents. We were constantly not getting along, i was lying to them. It was such a tangled web. Things still aren't perfect i'm not going to lie. I am edgy and upset sometimes when there really is no need to be. Yes i realize that i have only been clean for one day but it made me see things differently and feel differently. Constant pot usage can lead to many problems, including memory loss, confusion, there a bunch of bodily harm that it does, for example can lead to chronic bronchitis. I suffer from asthma and i didn't even care what was happening i just wanted to get high and escape all the problems that life was causing. I wanted to be numb because i didn't want to feel any emotions because i can't handle them. I completely stopped thinking about my mental and physical health and that's what was getting terribly damaged. I have been sick for at least 2 months now and i am just starting to get my voice back. My parents both noticed that i was much more clear and understandable and it's only been one day! Yes i am coughing up shit from my lungs but that's fine i don't mind, i would rather have it out then in.

Since i have completed one day, i feel that i can tackle today and be successful. I need to re-inforce my postivity so that i can do this, which each second i write this i feel i can achieve my goal even more. The power of the written word is incredible. So as usual, if you can take what you can from the popper chronicles and learn, and leave the rest that isn't important to you then please do. I encourage comments and suggestions!

Comments on Yesterday

2009-12-12T07:28:00.002-06:00

So yesterday was interesting, i made my way through it though. I was able to get my hair done and feel like a totally different person. I think that small change will help with the other changes i am trying to make in my life.

There were lots of times that i was jones'in but i made it through. My roomy was very proud of me for making the first day a success. I still have no pot in the house so that's a good thing for me. I won't be tempted to try it when i get in a weak moment.

Last night was fun, the roomy and a friend and i went to a local pub and just had a few things to eat and just talked and laughed. It was really nice and it makes me feel better to know that i have the support from him while he's still here so that I can get through this.

Today might be a challenge but if i keep busy enough that won't be so bad. Just have to keep busy, whether it's writing, doing physical activity like cleaning one of the horses up or anything else but smoke pot then i can do it.

The positive train has made a stop at my station and it seems to be staying for a while so i will take this and use it as self-encouragement to stop! I'm working on day 2 today, lets hope i am successful, I will make the effort to be so that's the first part right there.

The Popper Chronicles> makes its debut!

2009-12-10T15:11:00.003-06:00

First i will start off with this :
Hi, my name is Sarah, I am addicted to poppers. I want my life to change and go back to being a productive person instead of a lazy ass that doesn't want to do anything all day.

What is a popper you may ask:
Well a popper is a piece of tip from a cigarette with weed stomped on top of the popper stem. Then what you do is you stick the piece in the drop tube of your bong, light the end and get a poppin'. There is a head rush so becareful not to engage in any dangerous activity such as driving or tackling the CN tower stair case.

The problem:
-first of all we all know that i suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and i have health issues.
-i use the poppers to get away from life and just feel numb all the time
-i got addicted to them, always thinking of when my next 'sesh' was going to be
-with the mixture of tobacco and weed in a single bong hit creates a lifeless like feeling

The goal:
-to get off poppers and go back to living a productive life and wanting to do things
-better my health from getting off of poppers and back tracking on the damage they have done
-as of this moment in time and space i am going off poppers, my bongs have left the building and they are not coming back. I am going to replace popper time with cigarettes or some candies for my throat.
-i have a support system to help me get back on track and i am going to make use of it.

The Point of The Popper Chronicles:
-the popper chronicles is a venue i am going to use to inform people about this addictive way of using pot.
-i want people to give accounts on what they have gone through and how they came to their realization.
-by doing this i may help the masses who are addicted to poppers also.
-i am going to engage in abstinence from pot in the use of a popper and i am also going to blog that and tell people how i feel.

Today:
Today was the day that i noticed i needed to make a drastic change. Things with the roomy weren't going very well and since he is getting back seeing this girl he is in love with i got jealous and upset. I wrote about it constantly just trying to get it out of my head, sadly there was no reprieve from them. I was worried that i was going to lose my room mate, things would be different in a variety of ways and more importantly i was worried that i was going to lose a friend. Sure i have feelings for him but they should not have gotten past a certain point and with me being confused about my life i allowed them to. I've let family, friends, and myself down, but now is a chance to redeem myself because i can change and have the power to do. I am not going to lie but i am going to say that i am afraid to quit, because i'm not sure how i am going to manage or whatever. It makes me anxious to think what a day without poppers would be like but then my roomy pointed out that things are way better when there are no poppers during the day. You want to do more things and actually leave your house and do adventures. I am jones-in' right now but i will also say that i am going to curb the popper crave with a drag from a cigarette and then go do some christmas baking which i need to get a start on. I have so many chores that i have to get done and i've been putting them off each day as much as i can. I want the will to do things back again. I WANT TO GET BETTER.

*there will be more coming from The Popper Chronicles, no worries, this is a serious thing that people need to be informed about.*

so i have an issue with this......

2009-12-10T08:09:00.002-06:00

what's it really about? i mean what does he want?

it appears he wants the bitchy barbie doll that barfs up her lunch. he wants the instability and frustration that was strong once before.

i shouldn't have done what i did. As much as i enjoyed it, it really was just the wrong thing to do. I care too much and it's killing me.

maybe he wants to go back to the way things were, where he didn't know me and i was nothing to him. maybe that's what i want. but then on the other hand i want him still around but i know that being with her will change him once again and that my snow globe of a world will be shattered once again. i wanted to see him happy, and i thought that he is happy with me. not so though.

i feel used right now. sad. depressed. awful. and a bunch of other things.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Paging all readers - Winter has arrived.... Today!

2009-12-09T07:38:00.005-06:00

So i write to you today as i watch the snow piling up outside. Mother nature was kind enough to give us a dumping of snow when it wasn't needed. It's cold outside and the weather is chilly. A damp cold that soaks into your bones and makes you cold for hours. Everyone was worried about the weather but i don't think that the town really prepared for it. Roads are covered with white powder and possibly some ice. Cars hardly want to turn over if they have been left outside in the cold for the night. The wind has a slight howl to it, as if it is trying to communicate with some ungodly force. The plastic put up on my balcony crumples every so often, a constant reminder or a good morning hello. The windows have snowflakes on them and are slightly frosted. Lucky for me i have a heating pad on my bed (thanks Mum!) so i don't have to go to sleep cold and lay in a cold bed. When my fingers stop the rhythmic beat of typing there is a sort of deafening silence. It's not eerie. It's almost comforting. Doors trying to hold themselves shut can do only one thing, which is quietly bang while they try to keep the wind and cold out from their home owners. The trees have a beautiful type of silohette(?) to them. They are covered in white but you can see the grey outline of the branches and the bulk of the tree. As i peer out my window for a glance at the winter wonderland that has been created within the last twelve hours, i watch as snow tries to stay on a roof but ends up being blown off creating a mystical and fantasy-like effect.

My roomy lays in his bed curled up with a favourite pillow that has been helping him sleep better. His head peacefully lying on the pillow, while his body is wrapped tightly in the duvet. Abby rests at his feet because she is obsessed with him. Zoe is nestled into her blanket on the deck of her condo apartment. It's like she is in the tropics, and she is enjoying the heat and loving the sun. None of that is provided though at my house, only i get to vacay to the tropics and see my best friend in the whole wide world. I get to escape for a short period of time and live on paradise island, or that's what it should be called. The only light in the apartment is what is coming from the windows, and of course my computer screen! At the end of the hall a door is slightly perched open, I wonder what lies behind it.... what do you think?

uh...... about that......

2009-12-06T07:40:00.003-06:00

well, i am not running on very much sleep today. somehow when i was trying to make myself stay up later i forgot to take my night time pills, therefore, no sleep.

i am in a situation where i don't want to be. The stress from having my 'roomy' is causing me to be sick. i am already sick and cannot get better because of the stress causing me problems. leaving the house is a challenge lately because i feel that terrible. i would mostly like to relax, have a massage and go to sleep. maybe i can sleep away my troubles! anyway, so since my roomy is a good cause of me being sick mum wants this person out now. The faster they are out the sooner i can start getting better.

how do you tell a person to leave? you can't just be like, "So the weather is grey today but you know you need your stuff out in the next 2 hours....."
if i am going to do this i need courage...
why am i having such reasonable doubts about doing so, this is not good either...

what would you do, in this situation?

He's A Pain in the ass.... I'm looking for this.......

2009-12-05T08:07:00.004-06:00

here it is...... the truth............
i need help, i am starting to not like living with someone

i go to bed fairly early as of late, but sometimes if i do it the dishes are done and clean. Everything is drying on the rack and sparkling. I usually like to make sure my kitchen is like that on the most, before i go to bed. Sure, there are times when i can't be bothered the dishes. Yesterday morning though, I did the dishes and the kitchen looked amazing. Then, he came home and made lunch and there hasn't been a dish done since. Now, it is the next day and my kitchen is disgusting, i just might put on the mits and clean the dishes. Can't stand it sometimes.

the next issue which i don't like is simple. Ask before you bring anyone over? And please don't bring people over that i have told you repeatedly not to. Well last night was a topper, he brought over someone that is not to be here and then let them stay over! hello, paging mr rude boy. Yeah we may have fucked but you don't get to start being like my boyfriend and inviting people over just because they are your friends. You live on my turf and there are certain things that i like to keep the way they are. He has not said that sexual repayment is on the table so yes there are still some things he has to obey, or he can ..............leave?

Since when did the younger generations get so rude. They don't care about anything they do to anyone. They expect everything on a silver platter. Moody just 'cause. The people that are my age are very rarely like that. We are pretty much a generation of hard workers, who believe chivalry is not dead, oh yeah we have kids before 3o, sometimes more then one. I haven't quite yet completed the last point but i am 26... that's 4 more years but i also have a burning desire to not have kids in my 20's at all.

LIFE & TIMES OF S.G.
AD SECTION

WANTED:
-a guy that can fulfill a extremely sexual woman
-a guy who can cook, for when i don't want to
-a guy who loves me for me, flaws and all
-a guy who likes cats, b/c i have 2
-a guy who is calm, but likes to randomly have an outburst of laughter
-a guy who is mature, age is not an issue, it's maturity level
-a guy who likes to cuddle when watching a movie
-a guy who likes to randomly go out for dinner at interesting places
-a guy who can be emotional when necessary but not over the top, so i don't want any emotional baggage added to my life, already have a set of my own
-a guy who gives the type of hug that makes me melt like a popsicle on a hot day
-a guy who advances on a girl at random times, i don't want to have to be doing all the work by myself
*there are other statements that follow but i am not going to write them because if you fit all the first statements then we might have a good chance! so you move onto the next round!

a bland variation of everything and a small dash of rant

2009-12-04T15:32:00.000-06:00

Today, gee, lets talk about today.

I have done some cleaning up, dishes, etc. Had some lunch and took my bronchitis medication.

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment with my family dr. I had created a list that I wanted to talk to her about. There were 6 issues on the list. When she came in she made a fuss about my lack of a voice and then checked my chest and came to the conclusion that i have bronchitis. I wanted to talk to her about how stress is affecting my body, acid reflux problems and renew a puffer. She renewed the puffer and automatically prescribed stronger medication for my acid reflux. Also, she made a point about me making another appointment to come back to check my chest to see if i need a chest x-ray. Then as soon as i think about getting a chest x-ray i think i am going to end up getting told i have lung cancer because i smoke a lot. That isn't running through my mind all the time but a good portion it is.

I was really disappointed how my doctor was late for my appointment and then could hardly spend 2 mins with me. I told the receptionist when i was booking my appointment that i had issues that i wanted to talk to my doctor about and that there was a variety not just one thing. Yes, that's fine. Then at my appointment, I am made to feel like a inconvenience. Gee that's appropriate.....NOT!

I was talking to my mum about this incident and the fact that i was really disappointed with my doctor and her performance. Mum informed me that's all appointments are like now. The doctor doesn't want to take the time and talk to you they want you in and out asap so they get whatever pay-grade for your appointment even though it's only 2 mins and is supposed to be 10-15. I get it they are trying to scam the government to get as any appointments in the day as possible, because there is a fee for each one and depending on what happens they can charge you differently.

Government provided healthcare is supposed to be a perk here in the country of Canada. When doctors do what they can to beat the system and are still getting drug endorsement bonuses, is that really what it should be about. Doctors need to improve their bedside manor and compassion issues with their clients. My doctor has been very good until this appointment in which i am referring to. I just thought she was different then the average bad doctor you hear about. I will have to report back next week so that I can tell you whether or not it's the same bad behaviour or she gets a one time freebie. Healthcare has really got a ton of improvements to make, too bad no one really bitches about it enough to get any response.\

Next topic.... I am in love with marilyn monroe and her beauty. What i would do to meet her if she was still alive. She was a true beauty, not just one of those twiggy, skinny type girls that are so popular now. Her sassiness is what really does it for me. Her looks and expressions are price-less, some that are known as historical even.

So i was prescribed some horse pills for my bronchitis, which i assure you is not contagious. I was told to take it with food, so it was suggested that i take it with dinner since it is the biggest meal of the day. Lately though, i haven't been hungry a lot. I just don't have the desire to eat. Sometimes i get cravings for things but it's not like i will eat a huge amount and feel sick. I just don't have a desire or will to eat which i have to say i find a little bit creepy because I love food and i love a variety of foods. Tastes and flavours, shapes and colours. It's all an experience every time you eat. I miss my want for food but this may help me with losing weight because i might eat 4 small meals rather then 2-3 big meals. That's what the diet books say is more frequent and smaller meals are better for you. Since i was sick, originally i lost 20 pounds, can't blame me i was puking and shitting it up and out so of course i wasn't going to gain any weight. I have weighed myself a few times and i am still around the original weight when i lost the 20 lbs though so that's good. Just have to keep it here or lower would still be nice. I need to exercise and tone more though. Hopefully i am not one of those unlucky people who have extra skin or saggy skin. I do have some extra baggage on my body that i would like to get rid of though. I will keep trying as best i can. I am surprised that i have done so well, so maybe there are bonuses to being and getting sick........... Still doesn't feel very nice though!

At one point i was getting jealous of my roommate for talking to another girl but i am not today. I just don't care today. I might tomorrow, who knows. Yes i did stuff with my room mate. It was interesting and something that i would consider a good thing but he may not. I don't have the dream body and all that but i am a nice person and i have other skills, wink wink, spank spank! I am proud that i have some skills those are a little asset! Too bad i don't have a man servant that could fulfill all my needs and wants. Sounds like a paradise! A nice, crisp, warm paradise. Damn, my brain is going to a totally different place now. Maybe i should go chill out in the bedroom, maybe have a nap or something although i don't think that is something that is going to happen. I have no idea why?

so...

2009-12-03T06:21:00.003-06:00

So I am up and awake at 721 am.

I have done my morning pop so i feel fab right now.

My roommate lays in his bed fast asleep. I sit at my comp typing quitely away. He's rolling over it may be too early to be making a post. Oh well, this is my house, I can do whatever i please....right?

It has rained all last night and this morning.... boo! Another boo thing is i have to visit my dr today to see about a few things. I am still voiceless which is a concern for a few people. Honestly though it makes learning sign language seem more practical everyday! Have to start looking into that, i may have a connection that i might be able to use.

I got some christmas ideas started and going. Just have to put a few more into motion. Christmas won't be so bad this year. Just wait til my Betty Crocker identity comes back! Yum yums for every one.

december 1st .........arghhhh

2009-12-01T11:04:00.000-06:00

Ask me how i feel today?

Well, a good mixture of anger, confusion, blah, meh, and then there's my brain running thoughts constantly through my head.

I have a 'room mate' now. He's a sort of 'friend' and I couldn't see him go out with nowhere to go. Some, well most, think that i am being taken advantage of. I might be, I might not be. I don't really know what to say. One thing that happened 2 days a go is i had sex with him. I was impressed to a certain extent. Some things he needs to brush up on or 'learn'. It was kinda like porn sex what we had, there were a few change positions. I will admit that it was pretty hot though. It was random, it was a good demonstration of sexuality. We have been living in my apartment for 2 weeks and we had both thought about it and then we just decided that it was something we should try. I'm not going to go into anymore detail because some people might get offended and i would just rather not.

My mum went and had a talk with her therapist yesterday. She had a lot to talk about. Understandly, she finds my situation not good and she's just watching out for me like any good parent would do. She's concerned, she cares, she has gotten a negative read on the person staying with me and sometimes i really believe she is right. It's taken her a while to get to read people and the odd one will slip by the odd time but she's a good spotter in my life!

Things with my dad are weird. I don't want to say anything that will upset him or trigger him to have a tantrum but there's not really much to talk about. I am being honest with both my parents though and i feel a bit better. I'm not hiding or skirting around something if they ask i just tell them the truth. They are allowed to have their feelings just like any other person would have, but they have to realize that i am telling them the truth. Sometimes the truth is not pretty but it's the truth, things are just what they are. I don't know how to resolve the situation or tackle it. In a way i want it to be dealt with but i don't want to go through the upset it will cause .

I sit here at my laptop station writing to you while he plays the newest call of duty game. I chipped half the money because “i would like it and be able to play it”, haven't done that once and don't really care to play it. It's not my style. So as i writed this to you my brain is saying, man he's got it easy. Play games all day, eat, and whatever else. He doesn't pay for anything because he has no job, and i understand what that's like but there are some links he has to a possible job and he's just not following it. I wish i could get a job right now but several people say that i am too stressed and not physically and mentally able for a job. I would like to do something.............really..............please? The bonus of having some income and money of my own would also be a bonus. Then I wouldn't have to be so reliant on the mom and pop shop for monetary contributions.

Today is a hazy brain day. Things are running too fast and i am just stuck on the medium setting for the day. I need to start letting some things come out. I need to write more again. I need to vent to an audience, whether you comment or not, i know i have some followers. I appreciate all that you have done to stick with me through this long time of on and off posts. I know what it's like when you are following something and all you get is the same shit that you have already read 400 times. I need to get my act together, you are a silent audience, but i can still vent my stuff to you and feel better.

Like now, for example, i feel a little less stressed for the next 2 mins! And i'm going out for a smoke so that's another 2 mins!

It's Called "I Just Don't Feel Well"....

2009-11-06T18:11:00.002-06:00

Sitting here at the computer desk, while i sip my neo citran and wait for my night time medication to kick in, I thought I should write a blog post to my readers.

Yeah so there's swine flu out there, needles for it and antibiotics. There's germs out there, a variety of viruses, and some copycat illnesses.

I have a cold and it's tough because i also have asthma.

What are my thoughts on the swine flu?..... Well I think that the clinics are gross but are necessary. I am paranoid to get it, I'm not going to lie. A person i know has it and is confined to their bedroom and they have been feeling like hell. Another person i know thought she had it but it was a copycat of the swine flu but wasn't the swine flu. So there's 2 sides to the coin. Just depends which side lands up for you after you flip it.

Knowing that everything is airborne and that illnesses are running rampant in the population, maybe now would be a perfect time to turn into a hermit. There are bonuses, just think about it. The down side is no one comes over and i become a hermit minus the hunched back.

My symptoms:
-I just don't feel well (Stuffy sinuses, headaches and pressure, muscle sore, sore throat and it's yucky, barfing, shitting, all the regular symptoms of getting sick for me!)

I was a lucky kid, I got to be the one with a life threatening blood disorder. I was always sick. Missed tons of school. Had terrible anxiety that had all the symptoms of being sick.

So basically my point with this post is that sick can relate to many things but it doesn't always mean the worst. I am going to keep putting in my worry box that i am afraid to get sick and that's all the time i will allow it.

Time to finish my neo citran..........

A Shout Out from the B-day Bitch!

2009-11-04T07:58:00.002-06:00

Hey there Blogger Fans!

Just wanted to say a few things since it is my bday today and I am allowed at least 15 minutes of fame!

I am 26, that means i have lived a quarter of a century! I like saying that sounds good to me for some reason. I am single and looking for that Prince Charming still! (Hey, why not make this a humourous dating ad too!) I have a lot of good qualities. Smart, sassy, sexy, any other good words starting with S.

I have watched all 5 seasons of the Office, the American Version and I have to say that i might want to aspire to be a receptionist at a paper company. The character of Pam actually. Maybe that's where I'll meet my modern day romeo "Jim" and then get engaged.... oh man so funny you should really watch the office, Steve Carell is off the charts and out of control and it's hilarious.

Plans for the day:
-get a cake
-watch some good movies that i haven't seen
-have dinner with mum at Scrambles, one of my fav local restaurants
-might go to the mall, not sure though
-have a good day
-ENJOY MY DAY!