the con-function junction!

The lyrics from Lisa Loeb's song “Stay” are in my head.

You say I only hear what i want to.

So for some reason i decided to write this poem to certain songs. I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my mind for quite sometime. I guess the best way to describe it is that the words come from a place inside me that i very rarely show in person. I am getting better at asserting myself and trying but the road isn't always that easy. As you readers know, i come here and air out my clean/dirty laundry and i feel better.........relieved, actually. I decided to ponder and write down somethings that are going on in my head. My blog is always a sacred place to me so i figured what a good place to share what i was thinking. I wrote it in poem form to the 2 songs noted. It's still a work in progress but it gets down the 'bones' of what i am feeling.


MY VERSION:

You say i only hear what i want to.
But really you do all the talking, you do.
You want me to keep in touch,
but it doesn't matter much.
You want me to call to find out the case,
i know the answer and i think it's just a waste.

You say i only do what i want to.
That's true, it's just what you do.
You say i don't care, and that's not true
You are the one who doesn't care what i do.

(change song to Natalie Imbruglia's “Torn”)

I watched you change throughout your life
Never seemed to pick up on the real strife
You couldn't be that friend that i adored
You don't seem to care what this friendship's for
I don't know you anymore
It's not like when we used to talk
It's like a blackboard without the chalk.
The conversation has run out,
I don't care what you bitch about.

(change song to Lisa Loeb's “Stay”)

It's supposed be like you were never gonna leave
Instead that idea is just one reprieve.
Say you're gonna call, but you never really do
Say you wanna talk, but it's only about you.
You said that i was naive and, i thought i was strong
I thought hey i can leave, i can leave
And it started me writing this song
I really miss you but i don't know what to say
I want to talk but i leave it just for days
I want to make it work but it's never gonna change
You think we're gettin' closer but we're gettin' more estranged


So that's what i have and that's what i feel. I just tried to write it like a song and it was pretty tricky. It makes me appreciate those who right their own songs and stuff it's really hard. Just had to get this off my chest. I guess the main part is that i never changed. Ok, i did change. I learned to control, discuss and manage my emotions better then i ever have. You were the one that did change. You changed into a person that only cares about them self, and won't listen to anyone else. I don't know what else to say or where to go from here.

how many times.....

So this is a picture of him...............

who- without naming names he's an ex of mine from many moons ago

how- not sure how he came into my brain

what- i just look at this picture and i remember all the good times and how much i cared about him. The passion, the fire. The romantic gaze from those ice blue eyes. I look at this picture and i feel like he is staring right into me and my soul. I can't get you out of my head. Maybe it's because i'm injured and my brain has nothing better to do then remind me of the past. Something keeps telling me to message you and see how things are going. What's new in your life? What are you up to? Then a giant part of me says no, don't go there it will just end up in a mound of pain and confusion oh yeah and my favourite partner....REJECTION. Things are different now. On the norm i have a job that i love. I have a decent/good relationship with my parents. I love to travel and make a point of going somewhere each year. So i was browsing again and i think i saw a picture of his and her cats. I think i am going to abandon ship on this idea............which may not be so bad after all. Stupid me.......now i will probably beat myself up over this for the next few days. Better now then later i guess.

What if- would i have liked the opportunity to talk to him and have a decent conversation, for sure. I guess i would want approval that i am living on my own and have been doing so for 3.5 years. I would want to show him that i am certainly not as crazy now as i was back then. I don't know why i want to prove something to someone that isn't even remotely involved in my life now, but that's the way it feels. I guess he still holds a place in my heart..............fuck............. i know he will always hold a place in my heart.............that's the worst part..................just knowing it :0(

GIMPY-FIED = A WARY BRAIN

I APOLOGIZE BEFORE I EVEN START BC I CANNOT TYPE PROPERLY AS IT IS ONLY WITH ONE HAND. THERE MAY BE SOME GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AS WELL AS SOME CONSTRUCTUAL ERRORS BUT I'M DOING THE BEST WITH WHAT I'VE GOT.

Situation-

i was at work when i fell in the playground. I heard/ felt a snap in my right ankle. I thought that i would be alright and that i just needed to take my time getting up. As i tried to get up things went hazy and i passed out. I woke up wondering where i was and soon came to the realization that i had fallen at work. The 911 services were called and some firemen and the ambulance arrived. I was put in a temporary leg splint and wrist splint and i was ferried away to the nearest hospital, which happens to be 5 – 10 minutes from work.

Mental situation -

at the time of the incident all i could think of was “wow, you're such an idiot for doing this at work.” apologies flew out of my mouth faster then breaths. I was sorry about absolutely everything. You name it, i was sorry about it. I was worried that my job might fire me bc of the occurrence. I was afraid of how i looked. I was worried that the kids would be afraid of the people that would have to come help me. I wanted to be strong for the kids more then for myself. I was bombarded with negative judgements and put downs. Positivity was not an option. My brain was speeding out of control, thoughts progressing through faster and faster with no chance of slowing down.

Aftermath -

i have a sprained wrist which i believe is more then a sprain. I have a bone chip/fractured ankle. I have a splint on my wrist that cost $30 and a huge walking aircast on my ankle that cost $190. i have a prescription for pain meds that i only will take at night bc i don't want to be a zombie during the day. I am dependent on whoever is talking care of me. I can't hardly pull up my underwear and pants after going to the washroom. I don't walk i waddle. I personify what i would consider GIMPY-FIED. I am as useless as a fifth tit on a goat. I'm frustrated. I hate that i am dependent but i will do whatever it takes to keep going through this. I am not planning ahead to next week or the week after, i am trying to just get through today. Then, when i lay my head down to sleep, i go to never never land and i get up the next morning to do it all again. I hope that from some of the things i learned the day before i can refine how i do certain things, ie. Putting clothing on, so that it is a little easier then before. I waste my days (so far 2.5 days) watching movies and majority of them are bad. I can't put my hair up on my own and my mum has been doing an awesome job of being my hair dresser. The good things are few and far between but when they're there they make a giant difference. A delicious bowl of whole wheat white cheddar mac & cheese is comforting like a warm blanket. My cat, Zoe, watches over me at night when i sleep. I fall asleep petting her giving myself a different type of therapy. My other cat, Abby, is complete sass giving me dirty looks and avoiding being outside. She makes me chuckle a little bit. for live entertainment, she's pretty boring but it's the small things she does that bring a smile to my face. My mum brushing my hair gives me a touch of peace, just like listening to a waterfall. The coolness of a sip of water takes any sign of parching away. The words of my therapist “it is what it is” are a constant mantra to keep me from beating myself up with berating thoughts and ideas. The hum of the air conditioner and computer keep me grounded. My eyes are heavy and my body is week but not ready for the calm of sleep.

STATEMENT OF FACT: THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THAT WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN. MY MUM AND MY BLOG. BOTH OFFER MY TROUBLED MIND SANCTUARY IN TROUBLED TIMES. THANKS FOR BEING THERE CONSTANTLY.

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.

MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)




NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!

THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).

PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.

SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.

the therapist says....

If life were a box of chocolates, there would be so many choices!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wp3m1vg06Q
Here is the famous I Love Lucy episode at the chocolate factory!
This episode makes me think of so many things. Good thing we all aren't chocolates in Lucy's box or we'd all be eaten!

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

This is something my therapist is working with me on. The main point of radical acceptance is to accept things the way they are. It's like an 'is what it is' stance on life. Radical acceptance does not mean that you approve of something.
This is the definition that i found:
“Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.”

Out of all the strategies i am learning/have learned about to assist me, this is the one that i find the hardest. It's like trying to live your life without judgements but harder. Hell, all the strategies are hard, and some drive me batty just thinking about them. This one takes the cake. I have tried to add things to my daily mantra, such as the phrase “it is what it is”. I was depressed one time and i actually bought a cake with the saying on it and every time i had a piece of cake i was reminded. This method may not be advisable as you could possibly end up eating the cake by yourself, but it sure did help me. There are some examples that come to mind, where i used this and it actually reduced mental anguish and anxiety. Eg. Not getting riled up or upset about scheduling issues at work, having a day where everything seems to be going wrong, accepting that you don't really like a dear friends boyfriend but still trying to remember that it is her choice who she is with, understanding that there will always be some type of drama within your immediate family. Like i said, some of these are easier to work on and deal with then others, but it's the fact that you notice and are trying to make a change in your life. Small steps eventually will lead to giant leaps, and sure there will be the occasional set back, but we all have those from time to time.
A good personal example for me was that i used to get riled up about the scheduling at work. I thought it wouldn't be that hard to do and it's all about timing and making everything go together smoothly without disruption of a well working wheel. I never understood why one person would have lunch at one time and then the next day it would be at a totally different time. It got to the point where it drove me batty.... so batty, i ended up getting sick from stress and drama that i had riled up myself. So i went to my therapist and said, “I need to learn how to deal with this so that i am not getting sick about something i have no control over, or power to change.” She calmly looked at me and said, “This is a perfect time to practice radical acceptance. You can't change anything about the situation. You have no power regarding it. It is what it is. The time spent worrying and thinking about it gets you more upset you and angry. Is it really worth putting that much energy into when all it does it make you upset and angry, and then you get more upset and angry when you vent about it or re-hash it.” So i took those words of wisdom and changed my approach to the way things were carried on at work. When someone would/does ask me “Why are you working that shift? Why have they got you coming back at such and such a time? Etc.” I simply just say “I don't know” and put my hands up in the air in the all around sign for i don't know, maybe throw in a shoulder shrug to complete it. Now sometimes i say it with attitude or roll my eyes, but in the end that is not the appropriate thing to do because it conveys my displeasure of what is going on..... That's where judgements come into play, and i am trying to work hard on them as well. Judgements occur every minute of everyday of our lives. Whether we are judging ourselves, family, friends, co-workers or anyone else we have contact with. The point is to notice that you are making them and re-phrase the statement to exclude the judgements. A wise person summed it up as using only “Facts and Emotions”.
Eg. (This commonly happens to me!) You're driving on the road and a person turns in front of your car when they clearly do not have enough time or it's not their right of way. I usually say something like, DORK!, IDIOT!, MORON!, or a long list of expletives depending on the severity. I should notice that i am judging, which i usually do, but then the next step is to take the judgement and re-frame it. So only using facts and emotions, re-framing the above (single word statement) “It makes me angry when people swerve in front of me on the road.” It's the long version but it is non-judgemental.

i'm still alive but i'm going on vacay very soon!!

Well here i am again apologizing for a long over due blog post. It's been quite a while since my last post and i have been busy and blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. What really encouraged me to write again was, i got the following comments from readers:

“i keep checking back anxiously awaiting a new post from your ever so interesting life!!! and nothing!!! get on it girl :)

from a fan”

“This is wonderful blog. I love it.”

“i wish u would write more about yr tats. that would be cool to know.'

So i thought to myself, my blog is not a site that people have to go to. Some find it in their travels, some look for it and well the rest, I'm not too sure about. But from comments like that, how could i not write again. It might take a day or two to come with a post that contains all the up to date information i want but i figured that people get something from my blog, just like i get something from writing it. People clearly enjoy reading it, whether it be hilarious or emotional, or my battle with my latest demons. I guess my blog is not only and information point but also a place where people can say in an informal way “I get what you're going through” or “I feel the same way”. Yep you got it, i have statcounter which tracks how many people visit my site. And over the last 4 and a bit years it's been over 18,000 people. Now for a blog that is just my sanctuary for me to write whatever i please i think that number is great. There are a lot of first timers but the thing that i enjoy most is there is more and more returning visitors. (I must be doing something right....right?) So a large apology once again, and i know you readers understand that life gets in the way but that is no excuse to pause the saga of SG!

WORK

I want to say that the people i work with are a good gang and especially in the room i work in. We enjoy the kids and we definitely are a good mixture of personalities that work well off of each other. Having a job that i like makes the most of everyday that i work. Work usually flies by and i have been employed there for 7 months at the end of April. I get to see children doing the most simple of activities, ie. Teaching themselves how to use a scooter, learning how to talk, developing social relationships, etc. As i watch these examples progress and move forward, I find it totally fascinating. The most recent being a girl that is in my room, taught herself how to use a scooter. She was resilient and kept trying even though she fell pretty hard a few times. She didn't shed a tear and she was determined to not let the scooter get the best of her. Now keep in mind the kids i work with are between the ages of 2 and 3 years old. So watching this girl progress and not get discouraged was a perfect metaphor for a lot of things. She could have let herself cry and get upset when she took her first tumble but because she is a strong willed young girl she battled that beast of a scooter and in the end triumphed.

TV
With another season of Jersey Shore finished, I am once again sad to see it go. I enjoy this show so much. It's a drama pirates delight. There's tons of booty and a large quantity of loot displayed. Snooki with her poof-a-matic hair (insert an air nozzle and watch it grow before your eyes), forget Jenni it's more like Jenni's boobs (Jwoww is my fav chick character for sure though). Mike the “Snitch-uation” aptly named by Vinny. DJ Pauly D with his defying gravity hair. Vinny (there's not much to say about him because he's my favourite guy character). And lastly of course, i can't forget to mention Ron (his laugh is like steve urkel gone wrong!). People that don't make my favs list are Sammi (the sneaky bitch) and sorry Deena but you make this list too because even though you're a blast in a glass you just didn't make the cut. Now if you haven't watched the roast of donald trump i will just let you in on a little secret, just because the characters on jersey shore are great on that tv show, doesn't mean they should try anything else, like the Situation tried to do comedy and sadly failed. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtNmatV7-Ls) It's more like the introduction of him was hilarious and his own routine flopped...big surprise. And this version of the clip is also perfect for displaying when he FAILs! Sure opening your own tanning bronzer product line (Jwoww) or fashion line (Snooki) is a great idea but please STAY AWAY FROM COMEDY...

VACAY
Once again i am the trip down south to see and live with my other half.... my bffx7. I got a great deal on a flight and my job had no problem with me going on vacay. I am going to be spending my Easter Holiday with my bffx7. We are going to run the isle Rs&Sg style! Get ready Cayman bc you won't be able to handle it. We are going to eat and treat like queens. We are going to take horses swimming in the Caribbean Sea. Crystal blue will be our foreground and sky blue will be our back drop. I went today and got my travel insurance (just to be safe!) and the 9 days are going to fly by. I can't wait to have favourite meals that i look forward to all year round till i go. Indian, Italian, Ala Kebab, and so much more. I don't know but i might be even as adventurous to try turtle an island delicacy. So here is my dedication to you my Rs. You are the bread to my butter. The milk in my hot chocolate. The caramel in my macchiatto. You are the vinegar for my chips. The ink to my tattoo. Without one there is no other half. I can't wait to see you and be with you for 9 special days. That's a shout out just for you!

END OF UPDATE
I know i only gave you three categories and an apology but i will have time when i am on holidays to shout out to my followers! I promise i will keep you updated as to how my adventures go and whether or not i get another tattoo! Love you all from the bottom of my heart <3

Ps- I have been clean of my habits of pot usage for 158 days and smoke from ciggies for 67! I'm keeping up the progress and am more then happy with how i am feeling!

Round and round we go ...

I have come to realize that quite often people forget where they are from and who they used to be. This is a sad factor but it is a recurring theme in today's society. Since society focuses on the individual and where they want to be in life. Often this means, stepping on the 'little' guy or changing your morals and values so that they are more self-driven. Sadly, as each person tries to focus more on their selves, they forget the original person they were. Things that most people take on as adventures themselves, they employ others to do for them. Examples include: dogwalkers, nannies, cleaners, etc. Now while i am hiring a cleaner, i am also included in this self-fulfilling prophecy. There are a few reasons why i hired a cleaner: i hate cleaning, i am not willing to all the cleaning required by myself, i would rather focus my efforts on trying to live a happy life instead of cleaning constantly and being depressed or disgruntled, A MAJOR POINT: i know by hiring a cleaner on a regular basis they know what needs to be done to keep a healthy and sanitary environment. Essentially the way i look at hiring a cleaner helps to ease my depression and i can put all my efforts into expanding on my skills and schooling which in turn will help move me ahead with my career. Before when i was spending money frivilously on POT, i would spend at least 80-150 on my habit, so i put that money towards having a cleaner. I think this is a healthy choice because i am living in a better environment and it does ease some of my worries/depression. In certain areas hiring people to do such tasks is a norm. Now because someone has hired a person to do something for them does not mean that i am going to judge them. I understand that people want to move ahead with their careers, want to keep working while having kids, etc. Just because people hire others for them though does not mean that they are BETTER than everyone else. Society says that people are allowed to do things but the things they do should not make them any better then anyone else. Yes a millionaire may have more money then the average person but that is not what makes them a decent person. It's by how people act towards one another. The millionaire could be a miserable person and 'hate' life, whereas the average person could be a happy person and enjoy life even though they cannot buy everything that comes into their head. Many would think that the millionaire would have no reason to be disgruntled with life but this is a major example of "money cannot buy happiness". Many people that are financially wealthy are very depressed and have issues with drugs, alcohol or other substances. They involve themself with these activities because they want to numb the pain they feel or fit in. So when society starts putting people in CLASSES i start to question who is the inventor of this policy. The classicism issue is one that is administered most often by the government and they focus on money being the deciding factor as to what class they are in. Instead of bringing our country together this divides and quite often alienates people. People get put in groups by what they have and do not have. The Have's and Have Not's is unfair to people. Instead of people being individuals they are lumped into monetary groups. It makes me sad to see people that are struggling and therefore i will try to help them out. I feel that if i have some extra that i can spread to someone that has 'nothing' it is only fair that i share. Charity and donations in a round about way are a self fulfilling method. Anyone who gives to charity does so to help and the act of helping makes them feel good. So essentially when helping others helps you feel good, is society truly an individualistic way of life that we are all working to better ourselves? ...........some food for thought.

A place i can call my sanctuary

YeaH I'm down and there's nothing i can do about it. No matter what i try it just feels like i am spiraling down, down, down. My dad seemed to have me under a magnifying glass which does not help matters. It's like he points something out and i feel put on the spot and then i react. My reactions of late are not tempered and i get agitated and frustrated very easily. Too easily almost. i have suffered with mental illness for 12 years now and it has been a long and dreary path. The most positive thing that has come out of it is my new therapist who teaches me skills of mindfulness and not being judgemental. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and accepting how you feel at that time. The judgements are a little bit harder and more tedious to combat. Regarding the judgements i have to realize that there is not just black or white but there are many shades of gray. The variety of grays opens many doors and windows. With borderline personality disorderr, it is very common to have black/white thinking, so introducing non-judgemental thinking is a notorious task. Things are not good/bad, or naughty/good. There are the triggers that cause a feeling and then there is an explanation for the feeling evolved from that trigger. For example, I do not like that book because i feel it is unrealistic about the events that happened. That would be a factual way of describing why you do not like a book. Instead of being like the average joe and just saying "I don't like that," it's more about the reasoning and the facts why you don't like it. Using a simple phrase is easier compared to the non-judgemental way but the non-judgemental way takes the black/white thinking out of the equation. So to change the disposition of the beginning of this post would be "I am feeling depressed and see everything in negative light currently, therefore making it very hard for me."

Tonight is a good night for abstinence, although my mind tried to coerce me into having some pot. I have been very good, minus a slip up here and there (only 2) but i need to keep thinking that just because i fell off the wagon does not negate the progress that i have made. I am working with 58 days of sobriety from my habit that did not help me (another phrase without a judgement!) My dad suggested that i start over since i had my slips but i said there is no way that i am starting from day 1. I was and am determined to keep going with this. Tonight my brain kept taunting me saying "Oh you can have just one and you will be fine. One popper won't hurt." I say NO! Keep with the positive flow! If i can experience the emotions that i am having and remain clean for another night that is a battle well won. I did and am getting down on myself that my brain would try to fool me into thinking that it would be ok. It just wants the depression to subside for a bit but will smoking my brains out be a good way to put away my feelings. No! If anything i would much rather read and go to bed and actually sleep instead of be conscious and have to deal with my feelings. I think that sleeping, even though an avoidist measure, is better then the alternative.

So in my time of need i come to you dear reader to voice my thoughts, feelings and concerns. Nothing feels better then writing and getting everything, or most things, out of my brain. I can write without interruption and it challenges me because i try to phrase things is a well-spoken/written manner. I know that whatever i write, in this sacred space i have created, will not be judged or used against me in any way, shape or form. Here is the one place where i can be myself and say what is truly on my mind without censorship. For that i am thankful. For that i am lucky. So many people do not have an outlet to vent or say what is really on their minds. This blog is not about the fame or how many readers come to my site to see what i have written. It is my place for truth, honesty and feelings. A place i can come and share my tales and travels and let them just be. A place i call my sanctuary.

Death Before Dishonour

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.

Grumpy Panda with a positive TWIST

So i'm a bit of a grumpy panda today.

There's this person that i introduced to my group of 'so-called' friends. He's always been really arrogant and just thinks the world owes him everything.

Last night was the true test. I had 2 of the good guys over and they left my house to go do 'bad' things (which will remain unnamed) at this person's house. Since i have not been having them over all the time and i have been focussing on work and getting my life together they have now moved onto this guy, especially since he has a truck for the next little while. What bothers me most about this is that i realize now that since my place is not much of a convenience anymore they don't care. Well this makes me mad because the person i introduced is now taking my friends away. It sounds really petty i know but it upsets me how the guys can just move on and forget that i even exist. Sorry but i work everyday now and i enjoy going to bed at a decent time at night. I don't want to be up till all hours of the morning and then going to work on little or no sleep. This person said that he considers me a true friend but i see more and more that is not the case. He sees me as a friend when he is drinking my booze, and smoking my cigarettes, which he says will be replaced but never are. Well my answer to him is FUCK RIGHT OFF. When i say no he tries to pull the puppy dog eyes or has a hissy banana so that he can get his way. Grow up, you`re 26 years old and you still don`t like being told no. Sorry but in the real world no gets thrown around a lot, get used to it. I am tired of his childish games and just want him out of my life, so i am making a stand. He is no longer welcome at my house. I don`t even want to see him. Another thing that ticks me right off is that he is driving around in this truck lent to him supposedly by the Hells Angels, and he only has his G1. He likes his liquour and it is a guarantee that during the course of the weekend he is going to be drunk the entire time. Great! So now he`s driving around with people i care about and did i add that he`s driving recklessly. There have been a lot of car accidents of late and many young people have lost their lives. If he remotely hurts anyone of the people i care about i will rip him a new asshole. Just because he wants to endanger his life doesn`t mean that he can endanger others and get away scott free. I will bring a wreckoning and he won`t like that either but too bad.

As you can see i have proved my point that i am a grumpy panda. It just bothers me when my `so-called` friends always do things without me and never invite me. I think it`s quite rude and it`s apparent that my f-ship really means nothing. So i have been passive about it for a long time and now i am starting to toughen up and express my thoughts and feelings. I have to stand up for myself and do what i think is right and this is one of the times where i have no doubts in my mind that i am right.

On a good note i have been pot free for 9 days and am currently working on my 10th. I decided to do this of my own accord and it has worked out well. My parents are happy and most of all, i`m happy. I feel better. It`s not like i ran out or anything i still have some in case i need it but i just feel that i would rather not do it. I am starting to embrace feeling emotions, and it can be scary but it is a lot better. I was worried that i was having consistent bad dreams because i no longer was doing the pot before bed but i have washed that fear away by having several nights where i am not so disturbed by my dreams. Maybe it was part of withdrawal, i have no idea but man do i feel a whole lot better. I am not coughing my nights away. I am getting sleep. I have gone back to my roots and am being an avid reader once again. A past-time that i dearly missed. Books are my escape and i wouldn`t have it any other way!

I must keep on the positivity train as i am doing so well!
Thanks for all your love and support!

So much to tell you

Dear Reader(s),

It has been, what feels like forever, since i have written you.

I am a busy bee lately. Things are going well with my job. I have been there for almost 3 months and am coming up for my review. I am going to start making notes if there is anything that i want to discuss or be informed about. No date is set yet for my review but I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to hear the constructive criticism as well as new ideas.

Working at the daycare is amazing. It's the first job where i have actually felt a good sense of accomplishment and worth. The kids depend on me and i continue to try and be a good leader that they are wanting. I have a person that i work with, and we just JAM the room. Things work well, we work well and have a good environment in our room. We manage from 10- 12 children in the afternoon and on the whole, it goes smooth like peanut butter.

I got to celebrate my birthday yesterday, with friends, family, co-workers, and the kids in my room. It was one of the most memorable birthdays ever. The kids made me a card with some pictures they drew on it, and they participated in singing happy birthday two times, as well as having cupcakes with me.

Movie Alert _ THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE (2009)
A documentary on VOGUE magazine, which revolves around Anna Wintour, goddess to the fashion world. She single-handed-ly changes fashion and creates the new look as well as promoting new and upcoming designers. I watch this movie at least once a week, and i feel lost when i don't watch it. I love the fashion world for it's change, innovation and imagination. If you have a passion for fashion like i do then this is a must film for your collection. I recently bought my first copy of VOGUE magazine and was astounded. I was actually able to accept it for what it was and how much work goes into the production of it. Mind you it was not the September issue but I am happy to say the November issue. Even though she is known as the “Ice Woman” of fashion, damn is she good!

Productive is my middle name tonight. I have made myself dinner. I washed my dishes. Tidied up a bit. Got all my thank you notes written and are ready to be posted and given to those recipients.

Another important thing that i would like to mention is that I have significantly cut back on my pot usage and drinking. I rarely drink, only on special occassions or when i want to chill. My brain is feeling so much better and i am starting to experience emotions, some for the first time! Oh the joy of being overridden with emotion but it feels a lot better then just numb, angry or sad.

I think i am doing really well and want to keep this positivity flowing.

Thanks for your support and love. I will keep you posted!

Ciao <3

Tribute to my Bffx7

This is a tribute post to my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, aka BFFx7.

My Bffx7 has come to a point in her life where she has to choose which path and journey she would like to take in life. Some people may be disappointed but i think that is the most selfish thing they could be. They should be happy that she is going to take on the world full force. With making changes in her bio/psycho/social circle she plans to better herself and achieve ultimate happiness. A journey to the southern hemisphere of the world and to a wonderful place similar to paradise was the beginning of her journey. There have been a few bumps on her roller coaster but she is going to be climaxing again very soon. I am writing this tribute to her to show my positive encouragement as well as my love and support for such a dear friend. We have been through many ups and downs but it has made us stronger along the way. We are so close that our parental units of each other consider us like a second child. We make sure to spend time or communicate with the rest of the family and keep ties close. My Bffx7 has been an inspiration of mine for a long time. I find myself wishing I had the opportunities that she has had presented to her. I envy her, but with love. Her life is coming together so nicely. She has a competitive and challenging job, recently became a home owner (Props Girl!), and is on a really nice upward swing. We talk quite frequently, and it is always good. Even though there is an ocean between us I know that if something serious was going down she would be here for me in a second, and i would do the same for her. She's always with me in my heart and my mind because i know she's keeping an eye,from afar, over me.

This picture is currently my computer background because I get to see her smiling face everyday and i can remember good times and put a smile on my face.

Dear Bffx7, I love you so, you are the most special person on the planet. No one could ever compare, and for me you are always there. We always have a guarantee of fun, whether at the club or out in the sun. Shakin' our booties, and lookin' hot with our big boobies! You are my love and there will be no other. Our families are one, you have me and i have 2 brothers. I have wrote this little ditty for you, because no one will understand you like i do.

Xoxo
*Sg*

Party Central!

So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.

The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.

I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.

I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!

please excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar

I have already fucked up. I have been out of detox 3 hours and i have already gotten high. I have to say i felt really disappointed when i went and saw my dad and he wouldn't even look at me. I thought i looked pretty damn clear and good. I feel guilty that i have already done a boo boo but there's a part of me that says I don't think it was that bad. I was in there to get away from my house and the pot, and then when i come home the first thing i do is to have a sesh. It felt good to be sober for a few days i'm not going to discount that but having this toke and talking with some friends was nice too. I missed my boys and it was good to see some of them and i'm sure that i will see more of them tonight. I am going to be totally honest and say that when i was talking to my discharge planner, I did say that i don't really want to totally cut my habit out of my life i just want to be able to manage it better. I don't think my parents would like to hear that though. They want me to say i am done with it and never will do it again. I am getting tired of trying to please my dad and getting nowhere with it. He's not happy with any thing that i do. I am going to therapy and trying to make serious changes and he just ignores it. Today when he wouldn't look at me that was pretty interesting as well. Like geez i went to detox to please him and mum and it's just not working. From detox i learned that i was able to conquer some demons and go sober for a few days. Now i have to carry what i was doing in detox to what i am doing at home. Writing this and getting all my thoughts and feelings out is a good improvement. I can then reflect back on what i have written and see what i was feeling at that particular time. I think this will help me to learn to deal with my emotions. If i can come here and totally vent all my cares away and i know it's a safe venue then all the power to me. If people choose to comment great, i want to hear what people have to say, positive or negative. I also hope that by me writing about my life and what i have to deal with especially with my addictions, that even a person can take a word away from my blog and leave the rest then i am reaching people/fans/ readers in a way that i want to, and that makes me happy. Since detox doesn't allow computers or anything i had to write manual journal entries, but i plan to post them on here. Give me some time and i will get 'er done! Dad just called and when i told him he was frustrating me and upsetting me he just said 'yeah, i know' and then expected me to just let it go. Why do i even try to impress him, it's an impossible feat. I just get more upset and degraded when it's not good enough for him but i am trying so god damn hard.

the positivity must keep going strong!

So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.

It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.

So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.

Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(

So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.

I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!

So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!

Waaaa Waaaaa Weeee Waaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Very nice!

So i keep telling myself, “One small step for man, One giant step for mankind.” (Buzz Lightyear (?)

I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.

I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!

Ciao for now!!!

xoxo

I'm thinking of two words

Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!

Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.

I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!

No means No... Didn't you hear me the first time?

I am starting to say no and people really don't like it. They throw hissy fits and turn into complete jerks... so then i am at a point where i am questioning is this a decent friendship and worth fighting for. This particular person thinks that by paying me $15 in gas money and buying me some rockstars is going to cover my time and effort. Where i start to say that's enough and No is because this person continually asks me for stuff: smokes, booze, money, anything. I am left in the hole if i provide him with stuff and i just don't see the point anymore. The friendship isn't that great, he talks to me like a piece of trash when he wants and sees me as a convenience sex person. On the whole i wouldn't mind having a perma booty call status with someone but it's never enough for this person. He is constantly asking for more and i can't do it. This is where i draw a line in the sand and say no. I have already said no about 5 times and he is still hassling me. Now the offer has been upgraded to gas, booze, and doing stuff for me............. Not a smash seller with me. Just said no a sixth time and tried to say for the 4th time that I have already done a lot for him and it's never good enough so i am done.... then i get the rhetorical question, “So that's a no for sure?” FUCKING RIGHT THAT”S A NO FOR SURE. I am tired of being walked all over and not a thought given to me or my feelings. This guy is persistant i will give him that but Geez give me a break. And if he comes to the apartment and starts ringing my buzzer i am going to ignore him too. A one time half romp sesh does not mean that you can control me and that you know how things are going to go. I have to say no to him and others, which in turn is saying yes to myself. That's right i have to say yes to myself more often and not get forced into doing things that i don't want to do just so that the person doesn't have a hissy banana. Sounds like i am dealing with children at a daycare level..... Geez that's another thing that i don't need. Now he's trying to get someone else to talk to me so that he can get his way. I need time by myself to process this shit and keep firm with the No business. I can do it! I know i can! I know I can! (some paraphrasing from the little engine that could.)

I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3

one giant bunch of horseSHIT

I want to say FUCK YOU and leave me alone. It's so hard. I thought she was my second very good friend and don't worry Bffffffff, she could never replace you! She and her boyfriend have turned completely. I can't do certain things because of restrictions put on me because i am out of control. They look at me like a taxi but because i am a friend and i have allowed them to treat me in not good ways because you teach people how to treat you, which i am guilty of putting up with it and now i am burnt out about it. I am disappointed in myself because i have allowed myself to be taken advantage of AGAIN and now my parental units have to clean up the mess, I feel terrible for them. They are stressed to the max, and all i can do is seem to screw up over and over again, or at least that's how i feel. I think they are jealous but they are hardly ever around. They don't like think the person and his crew that i am associating with. It's like the green eyed monster has reared it's head. The thing is they have chosen to stay away and distance themselves, and it's like i get penalized for that too, even though they chose to do it, i had no say. I restarted my appointments and am looking to go to detox. This is for real. It's fucking scary, let me tell you. I can't continue to live like this though, it's not good and i am not mentally sound. I am depressed most of the time and i don't want to do hardly anything. I question why i am here all the time. I just can't seem to get any self esteem boost. Those people i was referring to above are causing me so much stress. I get sick and tired of the b/f yelling and screaming at me whenever he feels like. Then laughing at me when i drove by in town is really childish and silly. Let's arrange for you to yell at me in person because i think that might be a little different. Anyone can say anything over a text message. It's an emotionless form of communication that is taking over. Interpreting texts is a rare art form and many people do not possess it. I am one of the people in the latter category, terrible at translating texts. I have to say i am guilty of writing full words too. I don't see the point in short forms, unless you are running out of space, otherwise though, i write every full word bc i might as well. The new eminem cd, recovery is absolutely wonderful. There are a lot of good collaborations and some of his best work ever. I have one of my flings that promised me a relationship now living in my town. Nothing has had with him and he's such a flop dick i hope he never does call me again. His promises were pipe dreams and bullshit so if you know what that concoction makes please let me know........... Stupid me that i thought that things would work out in my favour for once but no way. Nothing can go right for me.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ

me – Hello?

Nazrine – hello?

So i let her up and she says that she was just driving by and thought she would get the rest of her stuff. She's giving me the cold shoulder and everything and says “Maybe we can talk tomorrow”and then gives the most limp dick hug.

Note= if you don't want to hug someone just don't, it's useless and feels worthless

I was going to the wedding with them but they have done some stuff that mum wouldn't be able to bare to sit across from them. It should be an interesting night. Once the shit hit the fan, i had to put my self out there and say NO I don't like this and it's not ok. They still are try ing to defend their actions and make me feel like shit so i am pretty close to shutting the phone right off and just having a me night.

i have no idea what to title this

So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.

So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.

Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:

“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”

This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.

I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.