So being laid up with all my injuries really sucks but it gives me a fair bit of time to watch crappy movies (there are very few good ones out, i know bc i have been watching them as they are about to come out), reading lots of books (majority are mediocre, still haven’t read a really awesome one in a while), do school work (at least it’s a decent exercise outlet for my brain), and to browse the dating pool on POF. There are people on there who write their profile 'about me' section and are straight to the point. Honesty is a great policy, never been better actually. Then there are people that are straight up about things that would be much more easy to discuss on a date, depending on what stage of the dating game you are at. Today a young chap used the 'meet me' feature on the site, my name and profile came up and he said that he would like to MEET ME. Wow! I'm honoured and i would like to thank the academy for this wonderful award......... wait.........that's a different time/era/situation. (I WILL ADMIT THOUGH IF I GOT AN ACADEMY AWARD AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD BE FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC!) So i am reading the profile for DannyQ (at least that's what i will call him). It's pretty decent. He's 26, blah blah blah, nothing important, nothing important. He's got the standard standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his shirt off pictures. He's ripped which is always pleasant to look at. Then it starts! His interests include: SEX, hot tub-ing, WEED, sports, KINK, outdoors, driving, boating, partying, 420, cottage and FETISH. So as you can see interspersed amongst some decent interests are basically the makings of a person that is looking for something, as i would say, 'from the other side' sexually. That's great so even though this guy is not what i think is right for me, i decide that i will continue on and read his profile. This is what it says:
Hey all. Just an open-minded male, looking for an open-minded female.
I have my own place, my own car, and own business. I work-out often, but do enjoy being lazy at home.
Looking for someone who is on the kinky side. We can discuss this further, if needed. But just because, I am open minded sexually - DOES NOT mean I am just looking for a quick bang. That being said.. being a 'sexual prude', is not a very attractive trait.. in anyone!
I got a few tats now.. have my tongue, eyebrow and labret pierced
YES.. I am young looking. I know. When did ever become a really bad thing? lol
I am serious about meeting - and expect the same!
As you can see, once again it starts off pretty normal. Seems like a decent guy. He's looking for the same in a chick. Has his own place, seems grounded, all that mature stuff you're looking for in a possible dating candidate. Then the atomic bomb is dropped. Maybe he thinks that no one will make a big deal when reading his profile and he is looking for someone with a kinky side. It's nice that he's willing to discuss it further if needed. I mean come on, maybe there is more explanation needed, ie. Do you come with toys of various sizes and colours? OR.... Are batteries included? It's like the phrase “Putting the hotdog in the bun,” slightly modified but i would like to thank the Situation (from Jersey Shore), he used the phrase pretty well on last weeks episode. At least DannyQ states that he is looking for someone that is willing to stick around while sexually experimenting, not just a casual FUCK! That's refreshing, a kink-ster with morals. Maybe it's me just being a sexual prude.....he thinks that's a very unattractive trait.
Showing posts with label Dating and Relating. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dating and Relating. Show all posts
Monday, September 26, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Is that all you have to offer POF......COME ON!
Hey there !
So happy to have met you here tonight.
I opened an account at Plentyoffish, once again. I have to say i am not totally keen on the internet dating seen but i don't meet a lot of guys in my regular life so i thought i would try it again but this time i value myself more then before so really trying to stay away from the one night-er situations. I've done amazing so far. I had a weird situation only once but i doubt that guy will be calling me ever again. He started telling me that i had a sexy voice, which i thought was a compliment. It's nice when people notice stuff about you that you never really realized about yourself. So we are talking about stuff, ie. What we do for work, what we do in our spare time......AND then he starts telling me that he is going to spank his wank while he's talking to me. I have to be totally honest, when he told me that my response was “Are you kidding me?” in a question type way and when he admitted No he wasn't, i was very repetitive and said it again but with a more you've got to be kidding me type tone. So then he says that i can continue talking about whatever i want, but this is after he tries to convince me to diddle myself. Like frig bud, it's the first time talking to you and i really don't think this is appropriate. If i wanted to be a phone sex operator i would at least make sure that i get paid for talking to people if that's what they are going to do on the other end of the line. I would be asking for a credit card number asap and it wouldn't matter what your name was. ALAS, I'M NOT A PHONE SEX OPERATOR (just wanted to write that for clarification......although i'm sure that some conversations would make it here to the blog for an entertainment factor if i was a phone sex operator!) Back to the story..........So i am talking to this guy and he really isn't paying attention to a damn thing I say. He starts panting like a bitch in heat and I had to say “Are you for real?” He very calmly told me yes he was real and that he would appreciate if i helped him finish by saying “Matthew cum.” So i did, but it was more in a pissed off housewife way. You know like the wife that doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore and it's like she would rather stab herself in the eye with a fork. Here's my example “Arghhhhh. Fine! MATTHEW (eye rolls accompanied with huffs and puffs) cum.” When i went to therapy my therapist asked the question why did you continue to talk to him, you could have left the conversation and essentially abandoned ship on that one. I said that's a lot better then what i have done in the past and i think that i deserve more, FUCK i know i deserve more then a 2 minute hand junky! I guess though i should have terminated the discussion when he asked me if i was a woman with a big butt. I don't really know any women that would say in a pleasant way “Yeah, I've got a big butt! And i'm proud of it” Most women think of having a big butt as a disadvantage and in most regular situations it is! I explained my reasoning on answering the question with a plain and simple “i don't know”. Sure i've got an ass that covers 10 counties but it's not because i am happy with it, it's cause i can't lay off the god damn ICE CREAM! (but i didn't tell him that response because i didn't think it would help at all, knowing my luck he would've asked me if i would pour chocolate sauce on it and lick it off like he was having some bodacious sundae) So why didn't i terminate the convo after that question? Well up to that point i was just in shock that if this was that guys pick up routine it was L-A-M-E. But wait this entry isn't over yet because it gets better. He starts telling me that he met a woman from the gym and she was a lot older then him (his response was 43) which is a good 15 years. I didn't know what to say so i said, “well she must have been a babe” WTF was i thinking, she probably had a big butt too! So then he says that he had this weird encounter with her. They were having sex and then he put her underwear on and they finished having sex with her underwear ON HIM. That's right he was wearing her underpants, and he was very clear that he enjoys women in thongs. So knowing his luck it would have been something in the dental floss category. Now i thought, i was shocked before i heard this, but after, my jaw was literally on the floor. All i could say was “Oh.....” and the dot dot dot means dead silence. DEAD like ran over with a car and there's no chance of life ever again. So once i finished saying MATTHEW cum i said that i had to go out, even though i can't really go anywhere since i fell at work and have a cast on my right ankle and left wrist (yep broke both). I figured why prolong this conversation anymore, he was happy with that response because he had band practice or something. I vaguely remember him telling me what instrument he played...........oh yeah that's right..........the SKIN FLUTE!
So my final time asking this question:
WHY DIDN'T I TERMINATE/END THIS CONVERSATION EARLIER?
The answer:
Plain and simple..............
i wanted to share it with you!
Keep on laughing! I know i still am!
So happy to have met you here tonight.
I opened an account at Plentyoffish, once again. I have to say i am not totally keen on the internet dating seen but i don't meet a lot of guys in my regular life so i thought i would try it again but this time i value myself more then before so really trying to stay away from the one night-er situations. I've done amazing so far. I had a weird situation only once but i doubt that guy will be calling me ever again. He started telling me that i had a sexy voice, which i thought was a compliment. It's nice when people notice stuff about you that you never really realized about yourself. So we are talking about stuff, ie. What we do for work, what we do in our spare time......AND then he starts telling me that he is going to spank his wank while he's talking to me. I have to be totally honest, when he told me that my response was “Are you kidding me?” in a question type way and when he admitted No he wasn't, i was very repetitive and said it again but with a more you've got to be kidding me type tone. So then he says that i can continue talking about whatever i want, but this is after he tries to convince me to diddle myself. Like frig bud, it's the first time talking to you and i really don't think this is appropriate. If i wanted to be a phone sex operator i would at least make sure that i get paid for talking to people if that's what they are going to do on the other end of the line. I would be asking for a credit card number asap and it wouldn't matter what your name was. ALAS, I'M NOT A PHONE SEX OPERATOR (just wanted to write that for clarification......although i'm sure that some conversations would make it here to the blog for an entertainment factor if i was a phone sex operator!) Back to the story..........So i am talking to this guy and he really isn't paying attention to a damn thing I say. He starts panting like a bitch in heat and I had to say “Are you for real?” He very calmly told me yes he was real and that he would appreciate if i helped him finish by saying “Matthew cum.” So i did, but it was more in a pissed off housewife way. You know like the wife that doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore and it's like she would rather stab herself in the eye with a fork. Here's my example “Arghhhhh. Fine! MATTHEW (eye rolls accompanied with huffs and puffs) cum.” When i went to therapy my therapist asked the question why did you continue to talk to him, you could have left the conversation and essentially abandoned ship on that one. I said that's a lot better then what i have done in the past and i think that i deserve more, FUCK i know i deserve more then a 2 minute hand junky! I guess though i should have terminated the discussion when he asked me if i was a woman with a big butt. I don't really know any women that would say in a pleasant way “Yeah, I've got a big butt! And i'm proud of it” Most women think of having a big butt as a disadvantage and in most regular situations it is! I explained my reasoning on answering the question with a plain and simple “i don't know”. Sure i've got an ass that covers 10 counties but it's not because i am happy with it, it's cause i can't lay off the god damn ICE CREAM! (but i didn't tell him that response because i didn't think it would help at all, knowing my luck he would've asked me if i would pour chocolate sauce on it and lick it off like he was having some bodacious sundae) So why didn't i terminate the convo after that question? Well up to that point i was just in shock that if this was that guys pick up routine it was L-A-M-E. But wait this entry isn't over yet because it gets better. He starts telling me that he met a woman from the gym and she was a lot older then him (his response was 43) which is a good 15 years. I didn't know what to say so i said, “well she must have been a babe” WTF was i thinking, she probably had a big butt too! So then he says that he had this weird encounter with her. They were having sex and then he put her underwear on and they finished having sex with her underwear ON HIM. That's right he was wearing her underpants, and he was very clear that he enjoys women in thongs. So knowing his luck it would have been something in the dental floss category. Now i thought, i was shocked before i heard this, but after, my jaw was literally on the floor. All i could say was “Oh.....” and the dot dot dot means dead silence. DEAD like ran over with a car and there's no chance of life ever again. So once i finished saying MATTHEW cum i said that i had to go out, even though i can't really go anywhere since i fell at work and have a cast on my right ankle and left wrist (yep broke both). I figured why prolong this conversation anymore, he was happy with that response because he had band practice or something. I vaguely remember him telling me what instrument he played...........oh yeah that's right..........the SKIN FLUTE!
So my final time asking this question:
WHY DIDN'T I TERMINATE/END THIS CONVERSATION EARLIER?
The answer:
Plain and simple..............
i wanted to share it with you!
Keep on laughing! I know i still am!
Saturday, May 14, 2011
Rain Rain Go AWAY!
So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.
MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.
SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)
NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!
THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).
PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.
SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.
MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.
SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)
NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!
THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).
PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.
SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Party Central!
So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.
The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.
I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.
I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!
The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.
I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.
I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
please excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar
I have already fucked up. I have been out of detox 3 hours and i have already gotten high. I have to say i felt really disappointed when i went and saw my dad and he wouldn't even look at me. I thought i looked pretty damn clear and good. I feel guilty that i have already done a boo boo but there's a part of me that says I don't think it was that bad. I was in there to get away from my house and the pot, and then when i come home the first thing i do is to have a sesh. It felt good to be sober for a few days i'm not going to discount that but having this toke and talking with some friends was nice too. I missed my boys and it was good to see some of them and i'm sure that i will see more of them tonight. I am going to be totally honest and say that when i was talking to my discharge planner, I did say that i don't really want to totally cut my habit out of my life i just want to be able to manage it better. I don't think my parents would like to hear that though. They want me to say i am done with it and never will do it again. I am getting tired of trying to please my dad and getting nowhere with it. He's not happy with any thing that i do. I am going to therapy and trying to make serious changes and he just ignores it. Today when he wouldn't look at me that was pretty interesting as well. Like geez i went to detox to please him and mum and it's just not working. From detox i learned that i was able to conquer some demons and go sober for a few days. Now i have to carry what i was doing in detox to what i am doing at home. Writing this and getting all my thoughts and feelings out is a good improvement. I can then reflect back on what i have written and see what i was feeling at that particular time. I think this will help me to learn to deal with my emotions. If i can come here and totally vent all my cares away and i know it's a safe venue then all the power to me. If people choose to comment great, i want to hear what people have to say, positive or negative. I also hope that by me writing about my life and what i have to deal with especially with my addictions, that even a person can take a word away from my blog and leave the rest then i am reaching people/fans/ readers in a way that i want to, and that makes me happy. Since detox doesn't allow computers or anything i had to write manual journal entries, but i plan to post them on here. Give me some time and i will get 'er done! Dad just called and when i told him he was frustrating me and upsetting me he just said 'yeah, i know' and then expected me to just let it go. Why do i even try to impress him, it's an impossible feat. I just get more upset and degraded when it's not good enough for him but i am trying so god damn hard.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
the positivity must keep going strong!
So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.
It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.
So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.
Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(
So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.
I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!
So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!
It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.
So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.
Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(
So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.
I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!
So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!
Monday, August 16, 2010
Waaaa Waaaaa Weeee Waaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Very nice!
So i keep telling myself, “One small step for man, One giant step for mankind.” (Buzz Lightyear (?)
I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.
I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!
Ciao for now!!!
xoxo
I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.
I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!
Ciao for now!!!
xoxo
Saturday, August 14, 2010
I'm thinking of two words
Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!
Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.
I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.
Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!
Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.
I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.
Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!
Thursday, August 12, 2010
No means No... Didn't you hear me the first time?
I am starting to say no and people really don't like it. They throw hissy fits and turn into complete jerks... so then i am at a point where i am questioning is this a decent friendship and worth fighting for. This particular person thinks that by paying me $15 in gas money and buying me some rockstars is going to cover my time and effort. Where i start to say that's enough and No is because this person continually asks me for stuff: smokes, booze, money, anything. I am left in the hole if i provide him with stuff and i just don't see the point anymore. The friendship isn't that great, he talks to me like a piece of trash when he wants and sees me as a convenience sex person. On the whole i wouldn't mind having a perma booty call status with someone but it's never enough for this person. He is constantly asking for more and i can't do it. This is where i draw a line in the sand and say no. I have already said no about 5 times and he is still hassling me. Now the offer has been upgraded to gas, booze, and doing stuff for me............. Not a smash seller with me. Just said no a sixth time and tried to say for the 4th time that I have already done a lot for him and it's never good enough so i am done.... then i get the rhetorical question, “So that's a no for sure?” FUCKING RIGHT THAT”S A NO FOR SURE. I am tired of being walked all over and not a thought given to me or my feelings. This guy is persistant i will give him that but Geez give me a break. And if he comes to the apartment and starts ringing my buzzer i am going to ignore him too. A one time half romp sesh does not mean that you can control me and that you know how things are going to go. I have to say no to him and others, which in turn is saying yes to myself. That's right i have to say yes to myself more often and not get forced into doing things that i don't want to do just so that the person doesn't have a hissy banana. Sounds like i am dealing with children at a daycare level..... Geez that's another thing that i don't need. Now he's trying to get someone else to talk to me so that he can get his way. I need time by myself to process this shit and keep firm with the No business. I can do it! I know i can! I know I can! (some paraphrasing from the little engine that could.)
I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3
I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3
Saturday, June 26, 2010
i have no idea what to title this
So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.
So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.
Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:
“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”
This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.
I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
BupKiss!!!
Today is the day i get back to writing my blog. After i received the comment below, how could i not:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bingo Bango Bongo":
You haven't updated in so long! I love your blog, write more soon! xo
It fascinates me how people are still wanting to hear about my boring yet adventurous life. So i will start writing this now at 111 pm and then i will bit and piece it together.
First off my addiction is by far at it's worst. I don't feel worthy of change or a better lifestyle. My depression and other Mi's are wreaking havoc on me. I disassociate from my parents and spend their money like a fiend. It kills me when my dad says that i am trying to buy people's friendship but in the end when i analyze it or look, it appears that way. The way i think of it though is that i am helping out a friend that i would hope would help me out when i need it. I throw all caution to the wind and my impulsivity is at an all time high. I am afraid to go to detox because i am worried that it might not work but i have been told that sometimes for people it takes several go's before it works. I question what my purpose here is all the time. I am a 26 year old party animal and i am way old to be doing it. My celebrity example would be Lindsay Lohan, but i'm older then her too! I rarely want to eat, and if i do it's only a matter of time before i am ralphing it back up. I am trying to do a liquid diet for now because i know that i can handle that. My parents miss their old Sarah, and i have no idea what i have become but it is monstrous to say the least. I have even gotten to a point where i don't think i deserve any better so i just keep frittering my life away and being silly.
There's people out there that take advantage of me. I question how i attract all these people that want to borrow money and use my stuff. I must have an i'm stupid or take advantage of this one she's easy on my head. Or something that makes me stand out so that i am an easy target. Saying no to people i think are my friends is one of the hardest things in the world and i rarely do it. Then if you go by the “you teach people how to treat you model,” technically i encourage that kind of behaviour. How do i learn to say No? I wish there was a way i could learn and start using it immediately. There are so many things that i would rather not do and because i can't say no i get roped into doing them. If you have any suggestions or anything please feel free, if you want to tell me how silly i am or whatever your feeling, i always let my readers know this is an open forum and they can comment on anything that i write about.
The song “Nothing on You” by B.o.B (feat. Bruno Mars) is something that i am constantly listening to. It's a great beachy type song but the meaning behind it, frig it makes me wish i had someone that thought about me that way. Someone to cuddle and have a movie date with. Someone to pamper the odd time. Someone to cook and enjoy dinner with. Someone to love me for me, faults included! Other songs that make me think about 'him' are Perfect (hedley), Billionaire (B.o.B.), Airplanes (B.o.B.), Can't Be Tamed (Miley Cyrus), Not Myself Tonight (Christina Aguilera), Over (Drake), plus there's a few classics like anything by Jason Mraz, the Eagles, RHCP, STP, Katy Perry and Ke$ha, that's just to name a few.
I have been making an effort to keep my house clean. Keep the dishes tidy, got all my laundry up to date. The one thing that i don't do enough of is vaccuming and with having Abby and Zoe, my cats) it's something that i need to be more on top of. There's something that i hate about doing it. Maybe it's the fact that if i do it, i know in a matter of seconds it's going to have hair on it again. I think that i need to add to my routine that once i finish doing the dishes i also vaccuum, but it depends because i am not vaccuming at some stupid time and annoying my neighbours because i'm not a jerk like that.
The weekend of July 3rd i have a wedding to go to. It's my cousins and it is my first wedding as a guest. It is also the first time i have seen this side of my mum's family in quite a long time, i would guess about 5-7 years. I am a little worried because i know that some of them know that i am battling addiction(s), but i don't want that to be the focus. I want to be looked at like a regular person, not some handicapped or addicted person. I kind of wish that my mum didn't tell them some of the stuff that is going on right now but i can't be a total controlling asshole because she needs to vent too. Geez my mum probably feels like she is going through Hell everyday, so she has to talk about it to someone. She can't just keep it inside and let it eat away at her, that's how people get sick, and i know that both my parents are highly stressed right now, and yes, sadly it is majority caused by me. It's almost like everything i touch right now turns to shit.
Writing all this makes me feel better a little bit because i can say what i want. This is my space and i will use it however i choose. I want people to be informed about the marijuana poppers and what a bad thing they are to be addicted to. If one person can read this and see what path it could possibly take them down, or even relate to this, it might help or prevent something from starting. My parents informed me that i have been going through this addiction for about 2 months now. In a way it seems short but then again it feels a lot longer then that.
So the last few days i have been going over a list that i have generated of who i have had sex with and then another list of people who i have done stuff with. I have had sex with 10 people and 4 of those people were 'trophies'. I have done stuff with 17 people and 9 of those people were 'trophies'. There is one person that i want to do both or one of the categories and he is a 'trophy' as well. Sometimes i think that is a lot of people but then i factor in that i am 26 years old so that's not bad. When someone that is 19 that has a track record that is like mine, that's a little more 'interesting' is the word i will use for safety purposes. I have no idea why i told you this but my list was here and then i just thought while i was looking at it that i would write about that on the blog.
My apartment got re-arranged about a week ago, and i am happy to say that i have an official office desk with majority of my office needs on it. I can sit at the laptop on one of my kitchen chairs and it is just right. It feels comfortable and has everything, and it's right by the door which i like. Looks like a working apartment instead of just a party place or crash pad.
I am very excited to go see SITC 2. The first movie was really good and me being a fashion-holic loved everything about it. I never really watched the series so the movie was awesome but i never really did anything to download the seasons or anything. I am just happy watching the movie and not really knowing the back story. That's a major faux pas in the film world i know.....sorry!
I finally broke down and got the wii fit plus with the balance board. It tells me obese all the time but i think that's really negative so i ignore it. I love playing the snowball game, it's one of my favourites. I am just starting to break out and try a few more of the games. I will say that it has helped me because i always want to know what my wii fit age is. I have been lucky to get 20 sometimes and 50 others. I have noticed my Centre of Balance has improved though since using it. I've had it for approximately 2 months or maybe a little bit more. It was kind of expensive but it's worth it for me because then i can exercise at home without having to worry about people watching me or what i look like.
Time and again i try to make others happy before myself. You would think that the people i am trying to make happy would be impressed but all i can seem to do is cause problems and make people unhappy. So many people are disappointed with me right now, most of all myself. I wake up every morning wishing i didn't exist. My depression is getting worse as each day goes by. I need to gain the courage to want to help myself. I need to want more for myself and know that i can do better. If i am the only person that doesn't believe this then maybe i can rely on particular people to help me with such an issue. I feel so guilty all of the time and i hate myself with such a passion. I hate what i have become. Visions of the old me pass by like a runaway train without a cause. Just racing, no looking back or forward, full tilt.
BOOK NOOK – 2 good reads – The Book of Negroes (great story, and it felt like i was actually on a journey with the main character.)
-My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler is my hero!)
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Bingo Bango Bongo
My two good friends are having a fight which was (instigated by the fourth person in our little family). I have tried very hard today to not mention him and stuff, i need to think more of myself. I am not just someone's cash cow and that's what this person treats me like. I am really starting to not like how he ruins outings and makes the mood complete utter shit. The friends are fighting for the life of their relationship. He's sleeping in bed, has acted like a jerk and we sit here upset and stressed. A little mission had been strewed because the 4th is a jealous little jerk. It upsets me that he being around ruins everything in one way or another. When one person has that much control without really be given in it in a formal way. It's sad how people blame themselves for problems that aren't theirs. Taking responsibility for someone's addiction is the wrong approach. I believe that it is the choice of the person whether they do it or not. It is unfair for the user to blame people for choices they have made when there was a better option and choice available. I would and never do blame my addiction on anyone except myself. Addiction is a rough path i am learning, and if it's not one thing it's another thing. I have a long road ahead and there are some certain goals that I have set for myself : calling detox and getting some questions answered, trying to do more positive self talk and create boundaries towards people that are triggers, and to smoke less poppers by a considerable margin. I thought these were three goals that would be attainable yet challenging at the same time. I know if i have a good day i can accomplish the detox stuff and the cutting down. Starting tomorrow i am going to make a concerted effort. Let's see how this works out.
Btw, i went to bingo tonight for the first night. Man is it ever fun. It's a very good time when you go with the right people, luckily i know those special people (THANKS GUYS....win BIG money!) When someone is just explaining to you how bingo works it sounds really overwhelming and unable to comprehend. Getting the hall was interesting because it is a hall strictly for bingo, it looks a bit ghetto but gets the job done. When i heard my lucky number called i got excited the first time, everyone in the hall looked at me....what else is new. It's a game that can be played as leisurely as possible or as quick. AND ...........did i mention it's buckets of fun!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Mish Mosh, Pish Posh
So i want to start this off: RIP Stacy, my little calf that was Clinton's twin. She passed away on Feb. 12, 2010. I was on vacay and only received the information yesterday that she had passed away. Stacy was named after Stacy London, who is on the show with Clinton called What Not to Wear. She was a small little critter and i hope that she is playing in the giant pasture in the sky.
I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.
I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.
ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!
There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!
The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.
I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.
I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)
I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.
I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.
ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!
There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!
The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.
I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.
I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
CRITERIA....
So I was asked by my counsellor to make a list of CRITERIA. (Things I want to do in my life, qualities I want to find in a partner, etc). She thinks this would be a good idea for me to start working on myself instead of continuing on with loveless relationships which just are degrading for my self esteem. In short, I need to think more of myself and raise my bar. I thought this would be a good idea to post it on my blog since I think other people should consider themselves and maybe try this exercise.
CRITERIA
-I want a man who is going to love me for me flaws and all (and is preferrably not already taken)
-I can see myself having a child within the next 5 years
-I have to get my life on the straight path so that I can welcome said child with no hitches
-I want my kid to be proud of me as a parent
-I want to have a job that is decent, and that i love going to work (it is out there)
-I want to have it proved to me that chivalry is not dead
-I see myself still living on my own (or eventually with a partner)
-I want to take a minimum of one trip a year
-I want to see the world (related to above statement), whether it is by myself or with people
-I want to continue writing my blog because i find it helps so much with venting and letting go of stress and what have you
-In the next 5 years i would like to at least have o
one book published, if i have more that's fantastic but one starts the process
-I want to continue learning about things, possibly learn sign language, take a course in fashion, or more writing courses
-I want to read everyday if possible, I love it so that shouldn't be hard to keep
-I want to take an adventure and enjoy it (not sure how to explain this)
-I want to get certain bad habits, addictions, etc, under control
-I want to be able to experience more then just 3 emotions and feel ok doing so
-I want to be a participant or guest at a wedding (haven't done that yet!)
-I want to have a few good friends that care about me a lot then have millions of friends who just know me
-I'd like to be a superhero to someone
-I want to love someone like there's no tomorrow
-I want to get another tattoo!
*There's probably many more but i think that's a good start!
What's your CRITERIA
CRITERIA
-I want a man who is going to love me for me flaws and all (and is preferrably not already taken)
-I can see myself having a child within the next 5 years
-I have to get my life on the straight path so that I can welcome said child with no hitches
-I want my kid to be proud of me as a parent
-I want to have a job that is decent, and that i love going to work (it is out there)
-I want to have it proved to me that chivalry is not dead
-I see myself still living on my own (or eventually with a partner)
-I want to take a minimum of one trip a year
-I want to see the world (related to above statement), whether it is by myself or with people
-I want to continue writing my blog because i find it helps so much with venting and letting go of stress and what have you
-In the next 5 years i would like to at least have o
one book published, if i have more that's fantastic but one starts the process
-I want to continue learning about things, possibly learn sign language, take a course in fashion, or more writing courses
-I want to read everyday if possible, I love it so that shouldn't be hard to keep
-I want to take an adventure and enjoy it (not sure how to explain this)
-I want to get certain bad habits, addictions, etc, under control
-I want to be able to experience more then just 3 emotions and feel ok doing so
-I want to be a participant or guest at a wedding (haven't done that yet!)
-I want to have a few good friends that care about me a lot then have millions of friends who just know me
-I'd like to be a superhero to someone
-I want to love someone like there's no tomorrow
-I want to get another tattoo!
*There's probably many more but i think that's a good start!
What's your CRITERIA
Monday, January 25, 2010
monday, monday.....
Today is rainy and light grey outside. The drizzle of the rain can be heard in my bedroom. The bed heating up for my afternoon nap, soon to be nice and toasty. The sound of cars driving by outside the apartment complex.
I would like to talk about this application on Facebook that i am addicted to. It's called FARMVILLE. I am so good at virtual farming it's sad that I can't be that great at real farming. In FARMVILLE the only thing you can sell as edible items is the fruits and vegetables. All the animals have a purpose and none of them die. I am a geek though because I time my crops so that I can maximize every plot that I use for farming. Very rarely do my crops wither and die. This is probably the only way I can grow things and not have them die on me. That's ok though, that's probably why I play it all the time.
Today is day 16 for the Cayman Island countdown. So looking forward to going and time is going by so fast that i will be there in no time.
I'm considering making some pancakes. They sound so delish right now. Warm off the pan, drenched in oozy, golden maple syrup. Yep, it's been decided that's what i am doing after i finish this post.
I am hoping that i don't have a nap today but i am vehicle-less so i may end up soothing my afternoon urge. If i could though, i would really like to finish this dr. drama book that i am reading because i am very close to the end and I am 'dying' to know what happens. Pardon the pun, it wasn't funny.
Movies sound like a good order for the day since there is nothing else to do. I could if i really try though, play wii and actually feel better about doing something.
The men in my life: well, there are none. Not even FWB's or anything. So on this time alone i am going to focus on myself and learn things about me. I am going to consider why i am so dependent on company when i should just be chillin' Read some good books and some Cosmo mags so that i can learn new tricks. I think today is the day i hang up my profile on PLENTY OF FISH. The internet dating scene is just not for me I guess, or even the real life dating scene because i definitely don't have good guys knocking down my door. Today is the day that i attempt to let go of baggage and things that have recently happened to upset me. Today if anything i am allowed to feel blah as long as i am considering other things. Or a constant state of thought or pondering if you will.
I hope I check each point off with progress. Time will tell though :)
I would like to talk about this application on Facebook that i am addicted to. It's called FARMVILLE. I am so good at virtual farming it's sad that I can't be that great at real farming. In FARMVILLE the only thing you can sell as edible items is the fruits and vegetables. All the animals have a purpose and none of them die. I am a geek though because I time my crops so that I can maximize every plot that I use for farming. Very rarely do my crops wither and die. This is probably the only way I can grow things and not have them die on me. That's ok though, that's probably why I play it all the time.
Today is day 16 for the Cayman Island countdown. So looking forward to going and time is going by so fast that i will be there in no time.
I'm considering making some pancakes. They sound so delish right now. Warm off the pan, drenched in oozy, golden maple syrup. Yep, it's been decided that's what i am doing after i finish this post.
I am hoping that i don't have a nap today but i am vehicle-less so i may end up soothing my afternoon urge. If i could though, i would really like to finish this dr. drama book that i am reading because i am very close to the end and I am 'dying' to know what happens. Pardon the pun, it wasn't funny.
Movies sound like a good order for the day since there is nothing else to do. I could if i really try though, play wii and actually feel better about doing something.
The men in my life: well, there are none. Not even FWB's or anything. So on this time alone i am going to focus on myself and learn things about me. I am going to consider why i am so dependent on company when i should just be chillin' Read some good books and some Cosmo mags so that i can learn new tricks. I think today is the day i hang up my profile on PLENTY OF FISH. The internet dating scene is just not for me I guess, or even the real life dating scene because i definitely don't have good guys knocking down my door. Today is the day that i attempt to let go of baggage and things that have recently happened to upset me. Today if anything i am allowed to feel blah as long as i am considering other things. Or a constant state of thought or pondering if you will.
I hope I check each point off with progress. Time will tell though :)
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Woe is me......
So today started out as a good day but then after a group i go to, i became upset and didn't want to be around anyone.
When i become really emotional, it's almost like i can't handle or want to deal with the emotions. It's part of one of the mental illnesses i have, but that doesn't make it any easier.
People are tough for me to read. By read i mean: know what kind of a person they are and what they might be like with any intentions they may have. A friend of mine can get a general feel of a person very quickly. It's almost like she has a secret power if you will. I wish i had this power then i may not have such bitterness when i can see what people really want from me. Yeah i know another pathetic post about my roomy but this is the only place that i can say whatever i want and maybe ten people will read it or none but it's a venting place. I'm lucky to have it and value its importance greatly. So i was informed by a mutual friend that he thinks i am bothering him all the time, when really i have only tried to get a hold of him a few times. Well today i was going to show him that i am still a good friend. His car is broken and he is lost in what to do so i did some research for him and got the diagrams that he needs to get working on the problem. Yeah i know, back to my fixer ways for him. So i took the information to his work because i was excited that i may have found a way to solve his problems once again. He wouldn't even come out and get the papers himself... he was busy! Maybe he was really busy i don't know but he could have texted me that he received them at least. Maybe say thank you. I don't understand why breaking things off with him are so hard. I know that he doesn't respect me and stuff like but i miss his company. Not his sexual company, his company when we played wii together and always had baseball competitions. I have been doing really well and holding up a strong front but today, i cracked. I cried. I sniffled. I can't begin to comprehend why this bothers me so, i've being doing really well with the getting over him and spending time by myself more and stuff. Insight says that maybe i really miss him in my life because we had fun. I need to let go though and say enough. I need some confidence and courage. I need to move on with this issue and get over it instead of letting it get to me sometimes.
Questions pop into my head all the time:
-are the good people really gone?
-why are there so many shitty people?
-why am i so easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
-having a few close friends is great, but do you really have to run them through as series of tests before you find out how good a friend they will be?
For today i have lost faith in the human race. A fair percentage of people take it's 'my way or the highway' attitude. When did we lose sight of mediation and compromise? It's been gone for a while and the younger generations are missing certain values that are an asset to being of the generations before them. So many people want the 'silver spoon' lifestyle, yet so many suffer and can hardly get to what might be considered normal. In the end, each and every one of us decides how we are going to be. It takes some time and growing up, it's not like we are born knowing what we are going to be like right away. With mistakes and lessons learned only then can we become the beautiful and unique flower/tree that each of us is meant to be.
When i become really emotional, it's almost like i can't handle or want to deal with the emotions. It's part of one of the mental illnesses i have, but that doesn't make it any easier.
People are tough for me to read. By read i mean: know what kind of a person they are and what they might be like with any intentions they may have. A friend of mine can get a general feel of a person very quickly. It's almost like she has a secret power if you will. I wish i had this power then i may not have such bitterness when i can see what people really want from me. Yeah i know another pathetic post about my roomy but this is the only place that i can say whatever i want and maybe ten people will read it or none but it's a venting place. I'm lucky to have it and value its importance greatly. So i was informed by a mutual friend that he thinks i am bothering him all the time, when really i have only tried to get a hold of him a few times. Well today i was going to show him that i am still a good friend. His car is broken and he is lost in what to do so i did some research for him and got the diagrams that he needs to get working on the problem. Yeah i know, back to my fixer ways for him. So i took the information to his work because i was excited that i may have found a way to solve his problems once again. He wouldn't even come out and get the papers himself... he was busy! Maybe he was really busy i don't know but he could have texted me that he received them at least. Maybe say thank you. I don't understand why breaking things off with him are so hard. I know that he doesn't respect me and stuff like but i miss his company. Not his sexual company, his company when we played wii together and always had baseball competitions. I have been doing really well and holding up a strong front but today, i cracked. I cried. I sniffled. I can't begin to comprehend why this bothers me so, i've being doing really well with the getting over him and spending time by myself more and stuff. Insight says that maybe i really miss him in my life because we had fun. I need to let go though and say enough. I need some confidence and courage. I need to move on with this issue and get over it instead of letting it get to me sometimes.
Questions pop into my head all the time:
-are the good people really gone?
-why are there so many shitty people?
-why am i so easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
-having a few close friends is great, but do you really have to run them through as series of tests before you find out how good a friend they will be?
For today i have lost faith in the human race. A fair percentage of people take it's 'my way or the highway' attitude. When did we lose sight of mediation and compromise? It's been gone for a while and the younger generations are missing certain values that are an asset to being of the generations before them. So many people want the 'silver spoon' lifestyle, yet so many suffer and can hardly get to what might be considered normal. In the end, each and every one of us decides how we are going to be. It takes some time and growing up, it's not like we are born knowing what we are going to be like right away. With mistakes and lessons learned only then can we become the beautiful and unique flower/tree that each of us is meant to be.
Monday, December 28, 2009
9 1/2 Weeks.... AMAZING MOVIE, A MUST SEE
Inspiration: 9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke
It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke
It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Get A Load Of This Guy!
So my first adventure for the day was i gave my one number to this guy to talk to him. His profile read :
"Please don't say that you like "any" or "all" types of music.. 'cause frankly that means that you have no taste.... Don't show me pictures of you in a bikini... please have some class.. don't put up a picture of your dog.. 'cause... i'm not interested in your dog... just 'cause you've been to paris or australia or jumped out of a plane or climbed some stupid mountain... it means nothing to me... 'cause i've probably been and done things your mind couldn't even dream of... be different"
So my response to his saying hello to me was:
Dear "x",
Thanks for the wonderful compliments.
I just read your profile and was surprised by how negative it sounded.
I'm sure you are a great person and all but it came off as kind of cocky. Maybe you have done things that I have never done which would be interesting to hear about but the profile that i read really doesn't make me want to pursue anything.
Ciao
Sarah
So anyway he calls me and starts giving me shit for being honest and telling me what a closed person i am. He starts grilling me, are you healthy? blah blah blah, and my response was well i don't want to be interrogated right now so.... Then i went into detail about the Cayman Islands because he is going there for a wedding. He was cocky, obnoxious and arrogant. He was dying to meet me tonight and see if we hit it off, but by the conversation we had i was just like "Who is this guy?" I like all types of music and i know that. I think it's nice when people put pictures up of their animals because that means they are so important to them. Yeah there are some people that have no class, well majority, but that's not my decision to bash them and make fun of them or be negative about them. This guy had it in his head that it was my lucky day to talk to him and that i should go to Cayman islands with him so that he doesn't have to get a tour guide, or another person he doesn't know. Come on dude, seriously, you just take random people on trips. I don't and i don't want to be a tour guide for someone with the likes of you. Someone who broadly states they have been around the world 5 times yet has never been to a beachy place! So is that really considered being around the world five times, you're missing some vital places...I think he over did it with the been around the world 5 times deal. When someone says that to me I think well they have visited every country or continent at least and at the young age of 32 which he was that's very impressive, but alas that was not the case. He has probably travelled to popular places and that is consider all around the world, not in my books though.
NOTE TO SELF- never give out my number to someone who thinks they are all that and a bag of chips when really they are a cocky ASSHOLE! It's not my lucky day to talk to you, the role is reversed! Now i sound like a cocky ASSHOLE, good thing i didn't go any further with this guy because i think it would have been clashing right from the start.
"Please don't say that you like "any" or "all" types of music.. 'cause frankly that means that you have no taste.... Don't show me pictures of you in a bikini... please have some class.. don't put up a picture of your dog.. 'cause... i'm not interested in your dog... just 'cause you've been to paris or australia or jumped out of a plane or climbed some stupid mountain... it means nothing to me... 'cause i've probably been and done things your mind couldn't even dream of... be different"
So my response to his saying hello to me was:
Dear "x",
Thanks for the wonderful compliments.
I just read your profile and was surprised by how negative it sounded.
I'm sure you are a great person and all but it came off as kind of cocky. Maybe you have done things that I have never done which would be interesting to hear about but the profile that i read really doesn't make me want to pursue anything.
Ciao
Sarah
So anyway he calls me and starts giving me shit for being honest and telling me what a closed person i am. He starts grilling me, are you healthy? blah blah blah, and my response was well i don't want to be interrogated right now so.... Then i went into detail about the Cayman Islands because he is going there for a wedding. He was cocky, obnoxious and arrogant. He was dying to meet me tonight and see if we hit it off, but by the conversation we had i was just like "Who is this guy?" I like all types of music and i know that. I think it's nice when people put pictures up of their animals because that means they are so important to them. Yeah there are some people that have no class, well majority, but that's not my decision to bash them and make fun of them or be negative about them. This guy had it in his head that it was my lucky day to talk to him and that i should go to Cayman islands with him so that he doesn't have to get a tour guide, or another person he doesn't know. Come on dude, seriously, you just take random people on trips. I don't and i don't want to be a tour guide for someone with the likes of you. Someone who broadly states they have been around the world 5 times yet has never been to a beachy place! So is that really considered being around the world five times, you're missing some vital places...I think he over did it with the been around the world 5 times deal. When someone says that to me I think well they have visited every country or continent at least and at the young age of 32 which he was that's very impressive, but alas that was not the case. He has probably travelled to popular places and that is consider all around the world, not in my books though.
NOTE TO SELF- never give out my number to someone who thinks they are all that and a bag of chips when really they are a cocky ASSHOLE! It's not my lucky day to talk to you, the role is reversed! Now i sound like a cocky ASSHOLE, good thing i didn't go any further with this guy because i think it would have been clashing right from the start.
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