Rain Rain Go AWAY!

So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.

MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)




NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!

THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).

PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.

SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.

the therapist says....

If life were a box of chocolates, there would be so many choices!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wp3m1vg06Q
Here is the famous I Love Lucy episode at the chocolate factory!
This episode makes me think of so many things. Good thing we all aren't chocolates in Lucy's box or we'd all be eaten!

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

This is something my therapist is working with me on. The main point of radical acceptance is to accept things the way they are. It's like an 'is what it is' stance on life. Radical acceptance does not mean that you approve of something.
This is the definition that i found:
“Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.”

Out of all the strategies i am learning/have learned about to assist me, this is the one that i find the hardest. It's like trying to live your life without judgements but harder. Hell, all the strategies are hard, and some drive me batty just thinking about them. This one takes the cake. I have tried to add things to my daily mantra, such as the phrase “it is what it is”. I was depressed one time and i actually bought a cake with the saying on it and every time i had a piece of cake i was reminded. This method may not be advisable as you could possibly end up eating the cake by yourself, but it sure did help me. There are some examples that come to mind, where i used this and it actually reduced mental anguish and anxiety. Eg. Not getting riled up or upset about scheduling issues at work, having a day where everything seems to be going wrong, accepting that you don't really like a dear friends boyfriend but still trying to remember that it is her choice who she is with, understanding that there will always be some type of drama within your immediate family. Like i said, some of these are easier to work on and deal with then others, but it's the fact that you notice and are trying to make a change in your life. Small steps eventually will lead to giant leaps, and sure there will be the occasional set back, but we all have those from time to time.
A good personal example for me was that i used to get riled up about the scheduling at work. I thought it wouldn't be that hard to do and it's all about timing and making everything go together smoothly without disruption of a well working wheel. I never understood why one person would have lunch at one time and then the next day it would be at a totally different time. It got to the point where it drove me batty.... so batty, i ended up getting sick from stress and drama that i had riled up myself. So i went to my therapist and said, “I need to learn how to deal with this so that i am not getting sick about something i have no control over, or power to change.” She calmly looked at me and said, “This is a perfect time to practice radical acceptance. You can't change anything about the situation. You have no power regarding it. It is what it is. The time spent worrying and thinking about it gets you more upset you and angry. Is it really worth putting that much energy into when all it does it make you upset and angry, and then you get more upset and angry when you vent about it or re-hash it.” So i took those words of wisdom and changed my approach to the way things were carried on at work. When someone would/does ask me “Why are you working that shift? Why have they got you coming back at such and such a time? Etc.” I simply just say “I don't know” and put my hands up in the air in the all around sign for i don't know, maybe throw in a shoulder shrug to complete it. Now sometimes i say it with attitude or roll my eyes, but in the end that is not the appropriate thing to do because it conveys my displeasure of what is going on..... That's where judgements come into play, and i am trying to work hard on them as well. Judgements occur every minute of everyday of our lives. Whether we are judging ourselves, family, friends, co-workers or anyone else we have contact with. The point is to notice that you are making them and re-phrase the statement to exclude the judgements. A wise person summed it up as using only “Facts and Emotions”.
Eg. (This commonly happens to me!) You're driving on the road and a person turns in front of your car when they clearly do not have enough time or it's not their right of way. I usually say something like, DORK!, IDIOT!, MORON!, or a long list of expletives depending on the severity. I should notice that i am judging, which i usually do, but then the next step is to take the judgement and re-frame it. So only using facts and emotions, re-framing the above (single word statement) “It makes me angry when people swerve in front of me on the road.” It's the long version but it is non-judgemental.

i'm still alive but i'm going on vacay very soon!!

Well here i am again apologizing for a long over due blog post. It's been quite a while since my last post and i have been busy and blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. What really encouraged me to write again was, i got the following comments from readers:

“i keep checking back anxiously awaiting a new post from your ever so interesting life!!! and nothing!!! get on it girl :)

from a fan”

“This is wonderful blog. I love it.”

“i wish u would write more about yr tats. that would be cool to know.'

So i thought to myself, my blog is not a site that people have to go to. Some find it in their travels, some look for it and well the rest, I'm not too sure about. But from comments like that, how could i not write again. It might take a day or two to come with a post that contains all the up to date information i want but i figured that people get something from my blog, just like i get something from writing it. People clearly enjoy reading it, whether it be hilarious or emotional, or my battle with my latest demons. I guess my blog is not only and information point but also a place where people can say in an informal way “I get what you're going through” or “I feel the same way”. Yep you got it, i have statcounter which tracks how many people visit my site. And over the last 4 and a bit years it's been over 18,000 people. Now for a blog that is just my sanctuary for me to write whatever i please i think that number is great. There are a lot of first timers but the thing that i enjoy most is there is more and more returning visitors. (I must be doing something right....right?) So a large apology once again, and i know you readers understand that life gets in the way but that is no excuse to pause the saga of SG!

WORK

I want to say that the people i work with are a good gang and especially in the room i work in. We enjoy the kids and we definitely are a good mixture of personalities that work well off of each other. Having a job that i like makes the most of everyday that i work. Work usually flies by and i have been employed there for 7 months at the end of April. I get to see children doing the most simple of activities, ie. Teaching themselves how to use a scooter, learning how to talk, developing social relationships, etc. As i watch these examples progress and move forward, I find it totally fascinating. The most recent being a girl that is in my room, taught herself how to use a scooter. She was resilient and kept trying even though she fell pretty hard a few times. She didn't shed a tear and she was determined to not let the scooter get the best of her. Now keep in mind the kids i work with are between the ages of 2 and 3 years old. So watching this girl progress and not get discouraged was a perfect metaphor for a lot of things. She could have let herself cry and get upset when she took her first tumble but because she is a strong willed young girl she battled that beast of a scooter and in the end triumphed.

TV
With another season of Jersey Shore finished, I am once again sad to see it go. I enjoy this show so much. It's a drama pirates delight. There's tons of booty and a large quantity of loot displayed. Snooki with her poof-a-matic hair (insert an air nozzle and watch it grow before your eyes), forget Jenni it's more like Jenni's boobs (Jwoww is my fav chick character for sure though). Mike the “Snitch-uation” aptly named by Vinny. DJ Pauly D with his defying gravity hair. Vinny (there's not much to say about him because he's my favourite guy character). And lastly of course, i can't forget to mention Ron (his laugh is like steve urkel gone wrong!). People that don't make my favs list are Sammi (the sneaky bitch) and sorry Deena but you make this list too because even though you're a blast in a glass you just didn't make the cut. Now if you haven't watched the roast of donald trump i will just let you in on a little secret, just because the characters on jersey shore are great on that tv show, doesn't mean they should try anything else, like the Situation tried to do comedy and sadly failed. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtNmatV7-Ls) It's more like the introduction of him was hilarious and his own routine flopped...big surprise. And this version of the clip is also perfect for displaying when he FAILs! Sure opening your own tanning bronzer product line (Jwoww) or fashion line (Snooki) is a great idea but please STAY AWAY FROM COMEDY...

VACAY
Once again i am the trip down south to see and live with my other half.... my bffx7. I got a great deal on a flight and my job had no problem with me going on vacay. I am going to be spending my Easter Holiday with my bffx7. We are going to run the isle Rs&Sg style! Get ready Cayman bc you won't be able to handle it. We are going to eat and treat like queens. We are going to take horses swimming in the Caribbean Sea. Crystal blue will be our foreground and sky blue will be our back drop. I went today and got my travel insurance (just to be safe!) and the 9 days are going to fly by. I can't wait to have favourite meals that i look forward to all year round till i go. Indian, Italian, Ala Kebab, and so much more. I don't know but i might be even as adventurous to try turtle an island delicacy. So here is my dedication to you my Rs. You are the bread to my butter. The milk in my hot chocolate. The caramel in my macchiatto. You are the vinegar for my chips. The ink to my tattoo. Without one there is no other half. I can't wait to see you and be with you for 9 special days. That's a shout out just for you!

END OF UPDATE
I know i only gave you three categories and an apology but i will have time when i am on holidays to shout out to my followers! I promise i will keep you updated as to how my adventures go and whether or not i get another tattoo! Love you all from the bottom of my heart <3

Ps- I have been clean of my habits of pot usage for 158 days and smoke from ciggies for 67! I'm keeping up the progress and am more then happy with how i am feeling!

Blah blah blah, nothing exciting just updates

So the farm finally closed and my dad is just getting the rest of his stuff out and cleaning today. Tonight is his first night at his new place. I hope he has a good night and is comfy. Finally he gets to have a somewhat normal life and not have to worry about doing farm chores anymore.

Tomorrow is the first time my cleaning lady comes. I am very excited, I even took some intiative and cleaned out some cupboards so that they are more organized. I got most of the bottles left from my 'so called' friends. I am hoping that with the cleaning lady doing what she does i will be able to sort some areas out and de-clutter the apartment. This will make things better and i will be able to focus on my laundry and stuff. That will make things better, i know it will.

So more the more important dilemma is what to get my people for Christmas. I am really struggling with what to get the few people i have to buy for. I am shopping for my mum and dad and my bffx7 and her hubby to be. The problem with mum and dad is that i just don't know what to get them bc i normally get them really good ideas and stuff but i just have a giant brain block. Nothing comes to mind. I have got them one gift each but that's it, and even that gift isn't that creative. It's something useful, or what i thought would be a good relaxation gift. My bffx7 and hubby to be i am totally lost. She requested that i only get hubby to be a gift that is small and around $10, bc he has to travel with it. Her gift has to be relatively small as well bc she has to travel back to Paradise with it. Gah! If you have any suggestions or ideas please send them, i am in desperate need of help!

My dear friend Sm was over the other night with a friend of hers. It was the first time i met this friend but he was a really nice person for the first meet and greet. Can't wait till Sm is home for Christmas break. We might be going to the movies on tuesday or something but i am not sure. My mum has decided she is coming down for a visit on tuesday and i am uber excited about that. I haven't seen my mum since she moved up to the cottage so i think it will be good times. She will get to see what the cleaning lady did and we are going to talk about how good it is. I am also excited to show her some of my new organization in the few areas i did today.

I am almost done reading this Jodi Piccoult book called Perfect Match. This book was a giant disappointment. I thought it was going to be really good. I was intrigued and wanted to keep reading and then i reached the 200 pg mark and the book just went down hill. The subject was a prosecutor that finds out that her son has been sexually abused by a priest at her church. Trying to find out who actually committed the crime was ridiculous bc it was like a totally guessing game. The child suffered some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that caused him to be mute and when they were trying to find out who hurt him the similarities in the names were so close that it was just like "Oh it wasn't this guy, it was him bc the character had some excuse as to how he pronounced letters and stuff", the excuses were endless. Now i am not making light of the situation because i wanted to find out who hurt the boy as well but when it kept jumping around i didn't find it believable and the way the story turned out to be told was just not good. I was very disappointed bc there were two other books that Piccoult wrote that were very good so i guess i had my hopes up for this book. I probably will not read another book by her unless it is a subject matter that i am interested in. Boo for that book. Glad i'm pretty much done it. It isn't a good book to read anymore it's more like it has turned into a chore.

Death Before Dishonour

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.

So much to tell you

Dear Reader(s),

It has been, what feels like forever, since i have written you.

I am a busy bee lately. Things are going well with my job. I have been there for almost 3 months and am coming up for my review. I am going to start making notes if there is anything that i want to discuss or be informed about. No date is set yet for my review but I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to hear the constructive criticism as well as new ideas.

Working at the daycare is amazing. It's the first job where i have actually felt a good sense of accomplishment and worth. The kids depend on me and i continue to try and be a good leader that they are wanting. I have a person that i work with, and we just JAM the room. Things work well, we work well and have a good environment in our room. We manage from 10- 12 children in the afternoon and on the whole, it goes smooth like peanut butter.

I got to celebrate my birthday yesterday, with friends, family, co-workers, and the kids in my room. It was one of the most memorable birthdays ever. The kids made me a card with some pictures they drew on it, and they participated in singing happy birthday two times, as well as having cupcakes with me.

Movie Alert _ THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE (2009)
A documentary on VOGUE magazine, which revolves around Anna Wintour, goddess to the fashion world. She single-handed-ly changes fashion and creates the new look as well as promoting new and upcoming designers. I watch this movie at least once a week, and i feel lost when i don't watch it. I love the fashion world for it's change, innovation and imagination. If you have a passion for fashion like i do then this is a must film for your collection. I recently bought my first copy of VOGUE magazine and was astounded. I was actually able to accept it for what it was and how much work goes into the production of it. Mind you it was not the September issue but I am happy to say the November issue. Even though she is known as the “Ice Woman” of fashion, damn is she good!

Productive is my middle name tonight. I have made myself dinner. I washed my dishes. Tidied up a bit. Got all my thank you notes written and are ready to be posted and given to those recipients.

Another important thing that i would like to mention is that I have significantly cut back on my pot usage and drinking. I rarely drink, only on special occassions or when i want to chill. My brain is feeling so much better and i am starting to experience emotions, some for the first time! Oh the joy of being overridden with emotion but it feels a lot better then just numb, angry or sad.

I think i am doing really well and want to keep this positivity flowing.

Thanks for your support and love. I will keep you posted!

Ciao <3

Tribute to my Bffx7

This is a tribute post to my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, aka BFFx7.

My Bffx7 has come to a point in her life where she has to choose which path and journey she would like to take in life. Some people may be disappointed but i think that is the most selfish thing they could be. They should be happy that she is going to take on the world full force. With making changes in her bio/psycho/social circle she plans to better herself and achieve ultimate happiness. A journey to the southern hemisphere of the world and to a wonderful place similar to paradise was the beginning of her journey. There have been a few bumps on her roller coaster but she is going to be climaxing again very soon. I am writing this tribute to her to show my positive encouragement as well as my love and support for such a dear friend. We have been through many ups and downs but it has made us stronger along the way. We are so close that our parental units of each other consider us like a second child. We make sure to spend time or communicate with the rest of the family and keep ties close. My Bffx7 has been an inspiration of mine for a long time. I find myself wishing I had the opportunities that she has had presented to her. I envy her, but with love. Her life is coming together so nicely. She has a competitive and challenging job, recently became a home owner (Props Girl!), and is on a really nice upward swing. We talk quite frequently, and it is always good. Even though there is an ocean between us I know that if something serious was going down she would be here for me in a second, and i would do the same for her. She's always with me in my heart and my mind because i know she's keeping an eye,from afar, over me.

This picture is currently my computer background because I get to see her smiling face everyday and i can remember good times and put a smile on my face.

Dear Bffx7, I love you so, you are the most special person on the planet. No one could ever compare, and for me you are always there. We always have a guarantee of fun, whether at the club or out in the sun. Shakin' our booties, and lookin' hot with our big boobies! You are my love and there will be no other. Our families are one, you have me and i have 2 brothers. I have wrote this little ditty for you, because no one will understand you like i do.

Xoxo
*Sg*

Party Central!

So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.

The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.

I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.

I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!

Here's what i have to say about that

So this is going to be one of those posts that I am going what the hell? That's weird, i can't believe someone actually did that.



1. Create a group for your own birthday party hosted by you. I think that the person that did this either has a lot of time on her hands or she just wants to have her party her perfect way. Why would you do that? Are you desperate to see who will actually show up on your party night? This particular person has gone to the trouble of not only creating a group and administoring it, but has also confirmed herself as a guest. Geee, you would think that you would go to your own birthday party not only as a guest but as a host two! Maybe going as two people is better then one.



2. People that join groups, in general all of them but some of the really silly ones like: I Hate Cigarettes (it's got a lot of pics of ciggy butts, i particular thought this one was a great piece though. i seriously wish cigarettes came like this), 96% of all people can't solve this riddle (wtf, who cares), Crosby's Goal <3>

3. People with hundreds upon hundreds of friends on facebook. What is it, like the more friends you have that you can say you know by 20 degrees of separation the better off you'll be. Yeah i do it... i purge my facebook friends every one/two weeks. What's the point of having a list full of people you don't talk to. The idea of keeping a few from public school or highschool, etc. is alright too but not you're entire class. What if you didn't like everyone in your class. You can be a facebook friend whore and just continually add people as friend for an infinity. Sounds kinda lame to me.

4. Dumb games that will never really advance you or anything, just use them as time filler. I was playing Farmville and Fishville at one point. (We all know that farmville is a guilty pleasure :)) With fishville it took forever to progress through the levels and there was no real point in doing it. Oh great you can buy a totally different fish, or even better a tank ornament. Now that's something. Jazz up a fish tank that in the end is going to make you more money without the decoration. BTW, the decorations are just a waste anyway, but it's something to buy i guess (that's the shopaholic in me talking)

5.Saving the best for last. What's up with the out of sync issues with facebook. I know it's suppose to be a mediocre program but geez does it have to operate like plain shit. It's frustrating having to refresh the page all the time (even though it's a simple press of a button). Then not only do you pull that crap but when i want to delete certain applications, that i don't use and think are a waste of time appearing on my profile, you won't let me delete them. That's not very nice but it's just another example of the computer world taking over everything. It will be a sad day when technology is every breath, heartbeat, thought. It sounds fun but in retrospect it could be a giant shit storm. Then things like the terminator will become a reality and we won't be able to look back at it as that great film with Arnie in it.

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh

So i want to start this off: RIP Stacy, my little calf that was Clinton's twin. She passed away on Feb. 12, 2010. I was on vacay and only received the information yesterday that she had passed away. Stacy was named after Stacy London, who is on the show with Clinton called What Not to Wear. She was a small little critter and i hope that she is playing in the giant pasture in the sky.

I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.

I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.

ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!

There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!

The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.

I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.

I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)

Snow=YUCK

So i arrived home on Wednesday night and it was snowing. Today is now Friday and it is still snowing. It makes me sad to know that i came from a warm paradise to snow plow piles larger then the average person. My balcony is snowed in. Everything is covered, and it looks like it won't be stopping anytime soon. There's no sun, and that also makes me sad. Any water is covered with a thick layer of ice, there's no crystal blue waters here.

Getting off the plane and walking through the doors to where people collect the travellers is one of the best feelings ever. It's like my parents are seeing me for the first time. Big smiles and hugs. I share stories of my vacay on the way home and i also get filled in on what is new.

Last night i was more productive though. I was able to empty all my luggage and put things into an order of who gets what. It was nice to go through the things and see what i brought home. I think everyone that i bought for will be more then happy with what they get. I brought some really interesting things home, ie. a golf ball from Britannia golf course which was one of the original golf balls. Ed Hardy stuff (of course), some magnets, and some pirate stuff which is really cool. There's more I can assure you i just don't want to give anything away in case recipients read this.

I really miss my Bffffffff though. She was awesome to stay with and we did a lot of things that she wanted to do that no one really does with her. There was lots of bonding time, and it made me feel like it was the good ol' times or even better. We shared some really great food and drink and shopped like there was no tomorrow. Pampering ourselves is a must and we made sure we did our fair share of that too. There are still things that I want to do that we didn't get around to but I know when I go there next year, we will be doing them for sure.

Things That Go Bump or Thud or Crash in the Night

A real, live Gecko that skitters the walls of the corridor at night. They blend in, or are cammoflaged. They are small and cute though. I haven't touched one which is probably a good thing!

Me dressed up! At Casanova's for dinner with our balcony table.

Me at the Pirate Caves, which is the closest thing to a local zoo. Bob is the name of the parrot sitting on my arm and he was very well behaved...thank god, because i am not the most comfortable with birds.

Bonding with my RaceCar!

My RaceCar

So last night i was in my sleeping area passed right out. I was having crazy dreams and I happened to kick the wall. The wall in the apartment is partially sanded stucco. So i woke up because i felt a really severe pain, and found that i had cut the pad right off my big toe and it had started to hemorrage all over the duvet (which i am taking to the cleaners today) and the fitted sheet (which i put in a cold water wash asap). Then because the washer sounds like a clunky demon it woke up my friend and i had to account for the sillyness which went on. That's ok it's a funny story. In my dream i was sitting in the dirt giving a lesson and this particular horse that i knew in the past trotted by and attempted to kick me. So me doing what i would do in real life, tried to kick it back and then the wall bit my toe. It's quite painful and i have to be careful walking so that i don't injure it anymore. I have a double band aid as well as a sock for protection. This just proves that things that go bump or "crash" (in my case) in the night are not a good thing.... the crazy life of Sg!

Yesterday was a wonderful day of pampering Caymanian style, but i'm not going to lie i already have been pampered on the thursday of last week because that time i had a massage that was just to die for. The girl worked me out so well that i felt like a piece of fluff. I was very impressed and told the owner of the salon so. I even said it was better then my experience at the Ritz and for a major affordable price.

The weather has been overcast which is a bit poopy but i still love it here. I like driving my little race car around the island. It's small and convenient and of course FAB. I was originally going to name it Herb after the Herbie movies but you can't really name a rental car so i just call it my little race car.

Last night we went out for dinner to Prime, which is a Brazilian Steak house. I went there last time that i was here but it was really nice this time and beat how fab it was compared to last. The lamb was incredible and i tried some suckling pig and couldn't get over how much i liked it because i am not a big fan of pig. We had our own little table in a secluded area and it was so private and nice. I like being treated like a princess! (Anyone who knows me knows that!). The night before we went to a restaurant called Casanovas and it was a REAL Italian restaurant. The food was awesome and we sat outside and had the roll of the waves serenade us over dinner. I made a toast to my friend showing my appreciation and love and i almost cried but i didn't!

We have been total movie hounds. We've seen: Edge of Darkness, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, The Fourth Kind, Valentine's Day, From Paris with Love. There is a trailer for the movie Green Zone which we have seen quite a few times and it looks amazing. Check it out if you can because it is sure to be a hit and it's from the director that created the Jason Bourne movies and Matt Damon is the lead character as well as having a great supporting cast. The movie Dear John looks fantastic as well, but we already knew that because i have read the book and i'm a sucker for Channing Tatum!

Classy Cayman is the way to go!

HardRock Hurricane and some other tropical drink which was not good. It was replaced with a HardRock Hurricane (the orange colour drink). Check out the collectors item glasses!

Ginger Girl in the Cayman Islands... now that is TROUBLE!

The greatest invention ever. The Cone CONDOM. It prevents drips from the bottom of the cone as well as the sides keeping your hand pristine Clean!!! Wish they had these in Canada. Oh yeah and btw, that waffle cone was made 1 minute before this photo was taken so it's FRESH AND FAB!

Happy Valentines day to all, whether you're single or taken= I love you!

Sarah here from the wonderful paradise of the Cayman Islands!

I thought i would write a blog post when i got a chance. I arrived on Wednesday Feb. 10, and it's already Feb 14. I have spent time relaxing and enjoying the island lifestyle. Everyone is so happy and saying hello to strangers isn't strange at all. I am intaking the Vitamin D as much as possible so that i don't suffer from SAD as badly when i go back home to the cold north! I make it sound like i live in the Arctic or something and it really isn't true but i will say that it feels that way since i have no tolerance for the cold.

My BFFFFFFFFFF and I have had some really stellar meals at the local wrap place called Al La Kebab. We got attacked by mosquitos yesterday but that's ok the island is waiting on a bug repellant drop! Yeah, I was surprised to hear that too but that's the way it is.

My friend and I are really enjoying each others company and it's very much like old times :) We went for some pampering today and got manicures and booked appointments for Thursday to get massages. Since it is Sunday and the island is very religious, not very much is open. My friend is out with her boyfriend at the moment so i thought i would use my computer time wisely and write a post to my faithful followers!

The weather has been nice and i can't wait to do certain things this week, like go to stingray city, the turtlefarm, possibly rum point, have dinner at PRIME (a brazilian steak house), as well as enjoy some sushi. While i am at the turtle farm i might stop at Cracked Conch and get some conch fritters!

Friday night we went to the bar. The crowd was a lot older then we expected and the music was only meh but we stayed till 11 or 1130. I enjoyed some Sex on the Beach (drink) while my friend had very boozy Rum Punch (not a fav of mine). We boogied in our own little way and set the tone for the night to be ultra fun, and that's what it was.

I never want to leave here. I want to enjoy the sunshine and do some writing on my books/projects that i have on the go. This would be the perfect place to do that...minus the fact that it costs a fortune! Oh well, the way i see it, to live this sort of lifestyle there is a price and it's up to the person on whether it is worth it or not. I think it is...Geez, who wouldn't want to live in paradise all the time!

10/4 good buddies i will touch base soon!

Ciao!

CRITERIA....

So I was asked by my counsellor to make a list of CRITERIA. (Things I want to do in my life, qualities I want to find in a partner, etc). She thinks this would be a good idea for me to start working on myself instead of continuing on with loveless relationships which just are degrading for my self esteem. In short, I need to think more of myself and raise my bar. I thought this would be a good idea to post it on my blog since I think other people should consider themselves and maybe try this exercise.

CRITERIA
-I want a man who is going to love me for me flaws and all (and is preferrably not already taken)
-I can see myself having a child within the next 5 years
-I have to get my life on the straight path so that I can welcome said child with no hitches
-I want my kid to be proud of me as a parent
-I want to have a job that is decent, and that i love going to work (it is out there)
-I want to have it proved to me that chivalry is not dead
-I see myself still living on my own (or eventually with a partner)
-I want to take a minimum of one trip a year
-I want to see the world (related to above statement), whether it is by myself or with people
-I want to continue writing my blog because i find it helps so much with venting and letting go of stress and what have you
-In the next 5 years i would like to at least have o
one book published, if i have more that's fantastic but one starts the process
-I want to continue learning about things, possibly learn sign language, take a course in fashion, or more writing courses
-I want to read everyday if possible, I love it so that shouldn't be hard to keep
-I want to take an adventure and enjoy it (not sure how to explain this)
-I want to get certain bad habits, addictions, etc, under control
-I want to be able to experience more then just 3 emotions and feel ok doing so
-I want to be a participant or guest at a wedding (haven't done that yet!)
-I want to have a few good friends that care about me a lot then have millions of friends who just know me
-I'd like to be a superhero to someone
-I want to love someone like there's no tomorrow
-I want to get another tattoo!
*There's probably many more but i think that's a good start!

What's your CRITERIA

monday, monday.....

Today is rainy and light grey outside. The drizzle of the rain can be heard in my bedroom. The bed heating up for my afternoon nap, soon to be nice and toasty. The sound of cars driving by outside the apartment complex.

I would like to talk about this application on Facebook that i am addicted to. It's called FARMVILLE. I am so good at virtual farming it's sad that I can't be that great at real farming. In FARMVILLE the only thing you can sell as edible items is the fruits and vegetables. All the animals have a purpose and none of them die. I am a geek though because I time my crops so that I can maximize every plot that I use for farming. Very rarely do my crops wither and die. This is probably the only way I can grow things and not have them die on me. That's ok though, that's probably why I play it all the time.

Today is day 16 for the Cayman Island countdown. So looking forward to going and time is going by so fast that i will be there in no time.

I'm considering making some pancakes. They sound so delish right now. Warm off the pan, drenched in oozy, golden maple syrup. Yep, it's been decided that's what i am doing after i finish this post.

I am hoping that i don't have a nap today but i am vehicle-less so i may end up soothing my afternoon urge. If i could though, i would really like to finish this dr. drama book that i am reading because i am very close to the end and I am 'dying' to know what happens. Pardon the pun, it wasn't funny.

Movies sound like a good order for the day since there is nothing else to do. I could if i really try though, play wii and actually feel better about doing something.

The men in my life: well, there are none. Not even FWB's or anything. So on this time alone i am going to focus on myself and learn things about me. I am going to consider why i am so dependent on company when i should just be chillin' Read some good books and some Cosmo mags so that i can learn new tricks. I think today is the day i hang up my profile on PLENTY OF FISH. The internet dating scene is just not for me I guess, or even the real life dating scene because i definitely don't have good guys knocking down my door. Today is the day that i attempt to let go of baggage and things that have recently happened to upset me. Today if anything i am allowed to feel blah as long as i am considering other things. Or a constant state of thought or pondering if you will.

I hope I check each point off with progress. Time will tell though :)

Stupid walking group...... I did this to myself though!

I've been up since 7 am.



I said that i would join the walking group that i sometimes participate in at a walk around a local place at 830 am.



Why did i do this? Well the answer is simple and two fold: it gets me out of the house and secondly, i am exercising as much as i can before i go to the Cayman islands, which is happening in 28 days. Was talking with my best friend down in the KY, and we were discussing all the fun things that we want to do. I'm very excited to see her and there is a bunch of gifts i have for her from Christmas and just 'cause so...... Can't wait to see her smiling face when i get off the plane. Then the fun truly begins and it's just like old times!



I have been living the single life lately, which isn't so bad now, but was lonely when i first kicked my roommate out. He's only made one appearance in my life which is interesting. He brought someone with him to pick up his mail. I didn't invite him into the apartment just gave him his stuff and then he left. He owes me a lot of money but since he doesn't like me i may not see that money. I think that's very irresponsible if he does that but it wouldn't be un-ordinary for him since his morals and values are few and far between. I don't want to sound like i am continually bashing him because that would give you the impression that i still think about him being in my life and wanting him in my life. I have notes posted around the apt. to remind me that he is not a good friend. He will come around when he wants something I'm sure, or at least that's what a dear friend said to me.

So, after scuffing my face in the apt. against the wall, i am left with a cut above my eye, just under the eyebrow, that if anything bothers it, it bleeds. Bleed sesh's are getting less frequent which is good but i hope this damn thing will heal so i don't look like a retard anymore. Certain people that i have seen quite a fair bit have even mentioned it and how bad it looks, my response is it feels worse but i'm lucky.

Time to go put my long johns on and dress warmly so that i don't freeze while walking. Knowing my luck it will be a frigid day and i will wear the Lj's for the whole day. That's alright though, it's all about comfort right!

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh! January 2, 2010!

So.... Today is the 2nd of January 2010. Man time flies! To all, i wish you a good new year and may the wishes and resolutions you made come true and it be a happy and prosperous year for you. In short: eat, drink and be merry, and enjoy your company!

I was able to stay up on New Years, which is a rarity for me. No, I didn't make any resolutions because i don't believe in making them and then breaking them. I want to write lots this year and keep up the good work i have done one staying clean.....today is day 20.

It is exactly 39 days till i leave for the Cayman Islands, where my BFF and i plan to rule the island for a solid 2 weeks. It will be a time of relaxation, tanning, good food, good company (which should be first), and FUN. I plan to either take my comp down or use my BFF"s comp and get some writing done and read some of the million books i got at Christmas. Maybe the easier thing for me to do is just take a memory schtick down and then put all my work and pictures on that.... then i won't have to travel with my comp! I will see what my friend advises is the best thing. When i go down and visit her i will also be giving her the long awaited christmas presents that i made for her! Oh i can't wait and neither can she! Maybe some Romeo will sweep me off my feet when i am away! (I doubt the last one will happen though!)

As a treat i am going to give you a short little writing exercise from my WRITER'S BOOK OF MATCHES, which was given to me by my mentor.

Prompt= AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN BECOMES OBSESSED WITH HER IMPERCEPTIBLE FLAWS.

I sit at the mirror and I think what is wrong with me. Why will no guy stay around. Is it because I love sex and they can't keep up? Or maybe the fact that sometimes i would rather just have my way with them and then have them leave. Or.... maybe they see something that i cannot see or that something comes up on their radar when i am around them. I have started to be critical of everything. The way I dress, the way i do my hair, the way i act around them. Nothing seems to be working. There has to be something that i don't recognize that they automatically see that makes me untouchable. Sure, I've talked with guys, gone on a few dates, even got to the point where i like a few of these guys, but when it comes to them coming back or even returning a simple message, I get deleted....erased. It has happened so many times that i get a little bit hurt but the pain isn't as much as it used to be. I've started to prepare myself before i go into anything now, that this guy won't be here long and then the next will come along after he's done and then he will move on after a little bit as well. A vicious circle where i am unhappy and alone. My friend has it all:the body, the looks, the great job, a man who is by her side and won't leave (actually that's to a bad point at times). As i get older i want to settle down each day more and more. I want to be able to come home and have a meal with my man and then cuddle and watch a movie. Maybe i am trying to hard to figure out what these flaws are... maybe that's why they remain hidden and i am still on my own. Although, i am getting to the point where i am ready to say "Fuck it. I am who i am. If you want to be in my life you have to love me flaws and all!" But as a side note i would like to say, "Can you tell me what that hidden flaw is because it's bugging the hell out of me."

9 1/2 Weeks.... AMAZING MOVIE, A MUST SEE

Inspiration: 9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke

It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.

Season of Emotion + Popper Chronicles Announcement :(

So my christmas eve and christmas day were fantab but boxing day is going to really be the shit!

CHRISTMAS EVE

At first i was worried about going. Hell, I even had a panic attack while driving down to the cottage, which is owned by my mum's boyfriend. Then i chose some good driving music and let all cares be released and i was just going to live out each moment that occured. No worrying anymore about the future or present, or how feelings could be hurt or whatever drama may come. After I got to the cottage and saw my mum and her smiling face i knew that i was going to be ok because she was going to be there for me if i needed anything: support, a hug, or just a smile. We carried in my stuff and i was immediately drawn to say hi to my nana. I have been of a bit of a weirdo and pulled back from her so i haven't seen her for what might seem like a eon. Hair done the same, nylons and slippers, and her classic pair of glasses perched on top of her head like a pair of cool shades. I said hi and then gave her a big hug that possessed emotions i didn't think i had were possible and then it flashed before my eyes what a jerk i had been and that i kinda miss having a nana. She was really good about it too, just acted like old times and that is was just like seeing me the day before. I was very impressed by her forgiveness. I can only imagine what type of strength that would have. I socialized with the bf and he was pretty cool too. (I had done the same to him. Yeah i know what's with me!) Mum was in the kitchen working away like she always done and making an old favourite of mine that had my taste buds watering hours after eating such a delicious meal. I assisted the bf with some computer stuff so that he has another piece of the world at his finger tips. Some people are so gracious when you are able to open another portal of the technological world to them. I'm used to it now so i can explore around at my will and do things, such as this blog. We watched a movie together... well i would say we watched about 3 mins of the movie together then everyone except me was in their own little naptime world. That's ok! I thought it was kind cute and family-like. Sleep was challenging and strange.

CHRISTMAS DAY

I woke up and made a pit stop at the bathroom before seeing anyone else. Good thing because i always wonder if i look like a decent morning person or a zombie looking type person. Went to the kitchen and mum and the bf were making coffee, and already starting another day of food heaven for me. Mum was even happier when i had saw her the day before, it's like every minute i was there my mum loved me more. It was a good feeling and one that i haven't felt for a logn time. We chittered chattered, and puttered around before and after breakfast. Simon, the cat, was our morning entertainment. (I love live entertainment!) We then decided to open presents to comply with christmas day family tradition. The gifts given and received were so thoughtful and interesting. That's something you can really learn about a person and how they are, is by the gifts they receive. Laughter was shared and silly faces were made while taking pictures of the days events started. Smiles and hugs were shared by all and it was yet again, another family moment. Then by the early afternoon i decided that i had better start making my trek back to the 'Bridge to be with dad for dinner and apparently he was going to 'whip my ass' at Scrabble. I thought that was very bold of him considering I am a lady of many words! Leaving was difficult because i just wanted to stay and enjoy some more familytime but I also didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings by not seeing him on christmas day. I asked mum to help me put my stuff in the truck for the ride home and that she did. She expressed how much she loved me and how important it was to her that i come up and spend some time with her. I love my mum dearly, and this moment really warmed my heart. Special, comes to mind and fits very well. Then i went home, had a nap and then went to the farm to spend some quality time with my dad on the farm. Before we helped each other with the food, we shared a big hug and the love felt in that hug was something i have never received from my dad as a parent. He's not emotional or understanding of his or other peoples feelings. But the hug felt like he was opening up to me and giving that genuine approval that i have been seeking for my entire life. Even though we hugged for a short period of time the moment passed slowly and was lovely to experience.

THE POPPER CHRONICLES ANNOUNCEMENT

I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT POT AND POPPERS FOR 12 DAYS TODAY. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. I'M NOT COUGHING UP NEAR AS MUCH STUFF AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY LUNGS AND BODY FEELING BETTER.I AM KIND OF SAD THOUGH AS I WRITE THIS, A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME A GRAM OR SO FOR CHRISTMAS AND I HAD TO TAKE IT BECAUSE THEY INSISTED. I CAME HOME AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ADVENTUROUS AND REWARD MY SELF WITH A LITTLE TASTE. I'VE BEEN DOING SO WELL AND I TRULY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEM BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T BE THAT BAD. NOW THAT I HAVE DONE THEM I FEEL VERY GUILTY. I'VE LET MYSELF DONE. I WRITER THIS AND AM ALMOST IN TEARS. I DID 3 POPPERS AND THEN PUT MY THINGS AWAY NOT TO USE THEM AGAIN. YES I STILL HAVE MAJORITY OF THE WEED IN MY SECRET SPOT BUT I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY WRITING MOJO, THAT I HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK. SO I AM BEING HONEST AND TELLING THE TRUTH AND I AM GOING TO CALL MY MUM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER AND SHE MIGHT BE VERY UPSET BUT I AM GOING TO TELL HER THAT I AM VERY SORRY AND REGRET WHAT I DID BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL (MORALLY) VERY GOOD RIGHT NOW AND I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. SORRY READERS, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP FAITH IN ME, I'M NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF JUST YET EITHER.

Paging all readers - Winter has arrived.... Today!

So i write to you today as i watch the snow piling up outside. Mother nature was kind enough to give us a dumping of snow when it wasn't needed. It's cold outside and the weather is chilly. A damp cold that soaks into your bones and makes you cold for hours. Everyone was worried about the weather but i don't think that the town really prepared for it. Roads are covered with white powder and possibly some ice. Cars hardly want to turn over if they have been left outside in the cold for the night. The wind has a slight howl to it, as if it is trying to communicate with some ungodly force. The plastic put up on my balcony crumples every so often, a constant reminder or a good morning hello. The windows have snowflakes on them and are slightly frosted. Lucky for me i have a heating pad on my bed (thanks Mum!) so i don't have to go to sleep cold and lay in a cold bed. When my fingers stop the rhythmic beat of typing there is a sort of deafening silence. It's not eerie. It's almost comforting. Doors trying to hold themselves shut can do only one thing, which is quietly bang while they try to keep the wind and cold out from their home owners. The trees have a beautiful type of silohette(?) to them. They are covered in white but you can see the grey outline of the branches and the bulk of the tree. As i peer out my window for a glance at the winter wonderland that has been created within the last twelve hours, i watch as snow tries to stay on a roof but ends up being blown off creating a mystical and fantasy-like effect.

My roomy lays in his bed curled up with a favourite pillow that has been helping him sleep better. His head peacefully lying on the pillow, while his body is wrapped tightly in the duvet. Abby rests at his feet because she is obsessed with him. Zoe is nestled into her blanket on the deck of her condo apartment. It's like she is in the tropics, and she is enjoying the heat and loving the sun. None of that is provided though at my house, only i get to vacay to the tropics and see my best friend in the whole wide world. I get to escape for a short period of time and live on paradise island, or that's what it should be called. The only light in the apartment is what is coming from the windows, and of course my computer screen! At the end of the hall a door is slightly perched open, I wonder what lies behind it.... what do you think?