RANT - TrumpCare = Boo/ Thumbs Down

I am really quite saddened by what is going on with the American Healthcare System. In the last few days certain health conditions have been considered pre-existing conditions that would allow insurance companies to deny coverage or charge an increased rate.

The pre-existing conditions include: AIDS/HIV, alcohol or drug abuse with recent treatment, Alzheimer's/dementia, anorexia, arthritis, bulimia, cancer, Cerebral palsy, Congestive heart failure, coronary artery/ heart disease/ bypass surgery, Crohn's disease, diabetes, epilepsy, hemophilia, hepatitis, kidney disease/ renal failure, Lupus, mental disorders ( incl. Anxiety, Bipolar disorder, depression, OCD, Schizophrenia), multiple sclerosis, muscular dystrophy, obesity, organ transplant, paraplegia, paralysis, Parkinson's disease, pending surgery or hospitalization, pneumocystic pneumonia, pregnancy or expectant parent – includes men, sleep apnea, stroke, transexualism.

If you didn't think that was enough, these issues are also included : acid reflux, acne, asthma, c-section, Celiac disease, heart burn, high cholesterol, hysterectomy, kidney stones, knee surgery, Lyme disease, migraines, narcolepsy, pacemaker, postpartum depression, SAD, seizures, “Sexual deviation or disorder', ulcers.

Oh yeah and I forgot to mention that rape, molestation and domestic abuse are also considered pre-existing conditions (but for some reason this may not become apart of the bill, there's some stickiness). How the FUCK is that a pre-existing condition? No one chooses to be raped and should not have to re-relive it constantly just so they can dodge being dinged with a higher insurance rate. One quote stated, “Now women are going to be avoiding reporting rape just so they don't have to pay higher insurance rates.”

Thankfully I am in Canada, but I do suffer from quite a few of these and I just want to note that even though these are considered pre-existing conditions some of them actually are not (they can be triggered or something can cause them to form. Examples of this would be cancer, mental disorders and kidney stones just to name a few.

I caved and watched Jimmy Kimmel's monologue regarding his son's congenital heart disease emergency surgery and he was very careful to thank very nurse/doctor/ etc that was involved in the situation. Kimmel made the following quotes and they really struck a chord with me-

“If your baby is going to die and it doesn’t have to, it shouldn’t matter how much money you make. I think that’s something that whether you’re a Republican or a democrat or something else, we all agree on that, right? I mean, we do.”

“We need to take care of each other. I saw a lot of families there and no parent should ever have to decide if they can afford to save their child’s life. It just shouldn’t happen. Not here.”

Making America Great Again is supposed to be working towards common goals and helping each other out as well as achieving some of the plans that Trump set out. With pre-existing conditions pretty much covering everything under the sun that is only making TrumpCare affordable and appealing to the rich/entitled, as well as those that may have a considerably influential or powerful position. This is wrong and has my brain in a tizzy. The future is looking grim at this point for Americans, that's for sure. My sympathies to those of you having to deal with this.

Enter the Dating Pool.......

So being laid up with all my injuries really sucks but it gives me a fair bit of time to watch crappy movies (there are very few good ones out, i know bc i have been watching them as they are about to come out), reading lots of books (majority are mediocre, still haven’t read a really awesome one in a while), do school work (at least it’s a decent exercise outlet for my brain), and to browse the dating pool on POF. There are people on there who write their profile 'about me' section and are straight to the point. Honesty is a great policy, never been better actually. Then there are people that are straight up about things that would be much more easy to discuss on a date, depending on what stage of the dating game you are at. Today a young chap used the 'meet me' feature on the site, my name and profile came up and he said that he would like to MEET ME. Wow! I'm honoured and i would like to thank the academy for this wonderful award......... wait.........that's a different time/era/situation. (I WILL ADMIT THOUGH IF I GOT AN ACADEMY AWARD AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD BE FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC!) So i am reading the profile for DannyQ (at least that's what i will call him). It's pretty decent. He's 26, blah blah blah, nothing important, nothing important. He's got the standard standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his shirt off pictures. He's ripped which is always pleasant to look at. Then it starts! His interests include: SEX, hot tub-ing, WEED, sports, KINK, outdoors, driving, boating, partying, 420, cottage and FETISH. So as you can see interspersed amongst some decent interests are basically the makings of a person that is looking for something, as i would say, 'from the other side' sexually. That's great so even though this guy is not what i think is right for me, i decide that i will continue on and read his profile. This is what it says:

Hey all. Just an open-minded male, looking for an open-minded female.

I have my own place, my own car, and own business. I work-out often, but do enjoy being lazy at home.

Looking for someone who is on the kinky side. We can discuss this further, if needed. But just because, I am open minded sexually - DOES NOT mean I am just looking for a quick bang. That being said.. being a 'sexual prude', is not a very attractive trait.. in anyone!

I got a few tats now.. have my tongue, eyebrow and labret pierced
YES.. I am young looking. I know. When did ever become a really bad thing? lol

I am serious about meeting - and expect the same!

As you can see, once again it starts off pretty normal. Seems like a decent guy. He's looking for the same in a chick. Has his own place, seems grounded, all that mature stuff you're looking for in a possible dating candidate. Then the atomic bomb is dropped. Maybe he thinks that no one will make a big deal when reading his profile and he is looking for someone with a kinky side. It's nice that he's willing to discuss it further if needed. I mean come on, maybe there is more explanation needed, ie. Do you come with toys of various sizes and colours? OR.... Are batteries included? It's like the phrase “Putting the hotdog in the bun,” slightly modified but i would like to thank the Situation (from Jersey Shore), he used the phrase pretty well on last weeks episode. At least DannyQ states that he is looking for someone that is willing to stick around while sexually experimenting, not just a casual FUCK! That's refreshing, a kink-ster with morals. Maybe it's me just being a sexual prude.....he thinks that's a very unattractive trait.

how many times.....

So this is a picture of him...............

who- without naming names he's an ex of mine from many moons ago

how- not sure how he came into my brain

what- i just look at this picture and i remember all the good times and how much i cared about him. The passion, the fire. The romantic gaze from those ice blue eyes. I look at this picture and i feel like he is staring right into me and my soul. I can't get you out of my head. Maybe it's because i'm injured and my brain has nothing better to do then remind me of the past. Something keeps telling me to message you and see how things are going. What's new in your life? What are you up to? Then a giant part of me says no, don't go there it will just end up in a mound of pain and confusion oh yeah and my favourite partner....REJECTION. Things are different now. On the norm i have a job that i love. I have a decent/good relationship with my parents. I love to travel and make a point of going somewhere each year. So i was browsing again and i think i saw a picture of his and her cats. I think i am going to abandon ship on this idea............which may not be so bad after all. Stupid me.......now i will probably beat myself up over this for the next few days. Better now then later i guess.

What if- would i have liked the opportunity to talk to him and have a decent conversation, for sure. I guess i would want approval that i am living on my own and have been doing so for 3.5 years. I would want to show him that i am certainly not as crazy now as i was back then. I don't know why i want to prove something to someone that isn't even remotely involved in my life now, but that's the way it feels. I guess he still holds a place in my heart..............fuck............. i know he will always hold a place in my heart.............that's the worst part..................just knowing it :0(

I deserve better

I've never felt so under appreciated and unwanted as now. It all started yesterday and has rapidly declined.

Dad spoke to me early in the morn yesterday and said, “I haven't seen you all week. I would like to have you over for dinner.” I said sure and was looking forward to that. I knew that he had a prior engagement to help a friend with a job. Around 137pm i receive a message on my voicemail saying “Hi Sarah! I'm going to X's for dinner. Bye.”

I WAS PISSED. Dad made a huge song and dance that he hadn't seen me all week and that we would reconnect at dinner. When i was going through my issues with drugs, I did this to him several times. I relive it constantly all the time as it still gets thrown in my face what a bad daughter i was.(i was bad, i'm not denying it but i have learned from my mistakes and had to pay for it dearly.) So when my dad does it to me he thinks that he should just get away with it and that whatever excuse he throws out should be acceptable. So i was being assertive today and i told him that i did not like how he treated me yesterday and reminded him that when i did that to him it was a big production. He asked, “What was i supposed to do? I said i was going to help my friend and i couldn't let him down.” I said, “I realize that but when the friend mentioned that he was going to X's for dinner that Dad should have said No thanks i have plans with Sarah. But no he couldn't do that. He bailed on me and now thinks that i have no reason to be mad or anything.

Today.
I have had my ASSERTIVE discussion with dad and i had to say that i was hanging up the phone because i could not deal with him being indecisive and changing plans every 2 minutes. He was also saying things that were not pertinent to what we were talking about and just spewing random stuff. I had a cold shower and i decided that i did not have enough clothes to choose from for golf tomorrow. I had a pile of laundry that was clean at dad's house so i was going over to get it. I get to his house and i open the door and there is no one in the house. So i grab my laundry and leave a note and decide that i am going to see if he is down with his new 'friends'. Of course he sees me there and he starts heading back to his apt on his bike. I GROW MORE LIVID THEN I ALREADY WAS. I get more mad and i consider driving away but then he start waving me into a parking spot. I lost it. I was just like, “Holy you can't be without these people for 2 seconds. I just spoke to you about this.” He starts with the useless excuses as to why it's ok and that he has his reasons.

Then i hit the nail on the head. I said that I am tired of being put second best to people that aren't even his fucking family. He puts these people on a pedestal yet he dumps all over the people he says he considers important. I call my mum to vent and she starts to tell me how it is and that she knows what it's like because she put up with this treatment for 30 years and she finally put her foot down.

The thing that my therapist says that stays with me constantly is that “JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FAMILY DOESN”T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SHIT”. This is an example that i am going to use it. I am putting my foot down. I am a person and i deserve to be treated like one. I don't need him to keep doing this. It's clearly evident that he does not want to spend time with me, more like it's a chore for him. So fine, I won't be around to do that. I am just going to do what i need, and at this time I need to stand up for myself and be assertive.

My Afternoon Off!

So i am sitting on my balcony writing this blog post. It has been a while but what a perfect time for writing. The weather is gorgeous and i am sitting on my balcony, which i rarely do, and here is a couple of pictures!



I must say i don't know why i haven't done this sooner it's so pleasant....anyway on to the blog post.

So as we know i work in a daycare. I really enjoy my job because i get to be around kids and see some of the amazing things that they do. Kids have their own personality, whether it be creative, active or both. They say some of the weirdest things. Since I work with 2-3 year olds specifically, they are at the perfect age where they are learning lots and not really sassy. There are some that are sassy but not as much as you would see from kids that are older. So a co-worker posted this link on her facebook and it was something i couldn't resist looking at. It's for a book called Go the F**k to Sleep. Since the Day Nurseries Act says that the kids have to be on their bed for 1 hour per day it's truly fitting. Some kids aren't used to having naps but the usually get accustomed to our ways and they end up having a rest and the day starts in the afternoon all fresh and new. Please listen to this clip from YouTube, and try not to laugh too hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56gdg2ntfwM&feature=related

I work with a lot of women which i have tried to do before and can i just say, having that many cats in the same bag is not condusive for keeping your sanity. Somebody is always scratching at another or there is a constant growl that lingers between certain people. I work with someone right now and i hate to say it but she has lost her passion. She's almost like Lynn Crawford on Pitchin' In, but with a more nasty attitude and demeanor. I used to work well with her but then i started noticing changes in her personality and work. (Now i want to state for the record that i am considered below her in the chain of command but i am still considered a real staff and my bosses say 'an asset to the daycare'.) This particular staff: favouritizes children (and if you aren't her favourite that sucks to be you!), she is forceful with kids and just not nice. I am unsure as to what i am to do about the situation for now i am just keeping track of things that i think are totally inappropriate. This makes me think about it though, you should never do stuff that you are not comfortable to back up because somebody could be watching. I never do anything at daycare that i would not be able to say this is why i did this. I try to keep with the protocol and rules and i also realize that if i don't i will get in trouble (and rightfully so!). I guess the main reason i am writing this is to partially get it off my chest. It makes it hard to go to work when a certain person is always delegating and being bossy and nasty when it's not their job. You readers listen and i can say anything that i need to you, wholeheartedly and with peace of mind. Now in every work area there is going to be a couple of bad eggs intertwined with some decent people. I have a couple of people who i work with that vouch for me and i can talk to them. I am shouting out to the them and saying thanks for being there.

Books. I LOVE BOOKS. They come in various shapes and sizes and carry literary goodness. Some like fact and other fiction. Biographic tales that inform us of people and their lives or troubles. Culinary adventures that give readers a true 'Taste' of the art. Educational excursions that take you to foreign lands within the comfortable realm of your home. Classics that reign true in our hearts and our minds. If you click at the bottom where my reading collection is you will find some truly wonderful books that should be read as well as were a pleasure to read.

Garlic and Sapphires – Ruth Reichl
Prisoner of Birth – Jeffery Archer
Kane and Abel – Jeffery Archer
Memoirs of a Geisha -
The Sharper Your Knife the Less You Cry -
Serve the People -
Steve and Me – Terry Irwin
Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen

Those are just to name a few but you will find many others in that list.

Well i have written a little bit. I hope to write to you again on the weekend!

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.

MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)




NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!

THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).

PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.

SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.

Round and round we go ...

I have come to realize that quite often people forget where they are from and who they used to be. This is a sad factor but it is a recurring theme in today's society. Since society focuses on the individual and where they want to be in life. Often this means, stepping on the 'little' guy or changing your morals and values so that they are more self-driven. Sadly, as each person tries to focus more on their selves, they forget the original person they were. Things that most people take on as adventures themselves, they employ others to do for them. Examples include: dogwalkers, nannies, cleaners, etc. Now while i am hiring a cleaner, i am also included in this self-fulfilling prophecy. There are a few reasons why i hired a cleaner: i hate cleaning, i am not willing to all the cleaning required by myself, i would rather focus my efforts on trying to live a happy life instead of cleaning constantly and being depressed or disgruntled, A MAJOR POINT: i know by hiring a cleaner on a regular basis they know what needs to be done to keep a healthy and sanitary environment. Essentially the way i look at hiring a cleaner helps to ease my depression and i can put all my efforts into expanding on my skills and schooling which in turn will help move me ahead with my career. Before when i was spending money frivilously on POT, i would spend at least 80-150 on my habit, so i put that money towards having a cleaner. I think this is a healthy choice because i am living in a better environment and it does ease some of my worries/depression. In certain areas hiring people to do such tasks is a norm. Now because someone has hired a person to do something for them does not mean that i am going to judge them. I understand that people want to move ahead with their careers, want to keep working while having kids, etc. Just because people hire others for them though does not mean that they are BETTER than everyone else. Society says that people are allowed to do things but the things they do should not make them any better then anyone else. Yes a millionaire may have more money then the average person but that is not what makes them a decent person. It's by how people act towards one another. The millionaire could be a miserable person and 'hate' life, whereas the average person could be a happy person and enjoy life even though they cannot buy everything that comes into their head. Many would think that the millionaire would have no reason to be disgruntled with life but this is a major example of "money cannot buy happiness". Many people that are financially wealthy are very depressed and have issues with drugs, alcohol or other substances. They involve themself with these activities because they want to numb the pain they feel or fit in. So when society starts putting people in CLASSES i start to question who is the inventor of this policy. The classicism issue is one that is administered most often by the government and they focus on money being the deciding factor as to what class they are in. Instead of bringing our country together this divides and quite often alienates people. People get put in groups by what they have and do not have. The Have's and Have Not's is unfair to people. Instead of people being individuals they are lumped into monetary groups. It makes me sad to see people that are struggling and therefore i will try to help them out. I feel that if i have some extra that i can spread to someone that has 'nothing' it is only fair that i share. Charity and donations in a round about way are a self fulfilling method. Anyone who gives to charity does so to help and the act of helping makes them feel good. So essentially when helping others helps you feel good, is society truly an individualistic way of life that we are all working to better ourselves? ...........some food for thought.

A place i can call my sanctuary

YeaH I'm down and there's nothing i can do about it. No matter what i try it just feels like i am spiraling down, down, down. My dad seemed to have me under a magnifying glass which does not help matters. It's like he points something out and i feel put on the spot and then i react. My reactions of late are not tempered and i get agitated and frustrated very easily. Too easily almost. i have suffered with mental illness for 12 years now and it has been a long and dreary path. The most positive thing that has come out of it is my new therapist who teaches me skills of mindfulness and not being judgemental. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and accepting how you feel at that time. The judgements are a little bit harder and more tedious to combat. Regarding the judgements i have to realize that there is not just black or white but there are many shades of gray. The variety of grays opens many doors and windows. With borderline personality disorderr, it is very common to have black/white thinking, so introducing non-judgemental thinking is a notorious task. Things are not good/bad, or naughty/good. There are the triggers that cause a feeling and then there is an explanation for the feeling evolved from that trigger. For example, I do not like that book because i feel it is unrealistic about the events that happened. That would be a factual way of describing why you do not like a book. Instead of being like the average joe and just saying "I don't like that," it's more about the reasoning and the facts why you don't like it. Using a simple phrase is easier compared to the non-judgemental way but the non-judgemental way takes the black/white thinking out of the equation. So to change the disposition of the beginning of this post would be "I am feeling depressed and see everything in negative light currently, therefore making it very hard for me."

Tonight is a good night for abstinence, although my mind tried to coerce me into having some pot. I have been very good, minus a slip up here and there (only 2) but i need to keep thinking that just because i fell off the wagon does not negate the progress that i have made. I am working with 58 days of sobriety from my habit that did not help me (another phrase without a judgement!) My dad suggested that i start over since i had my slips but i said there is no way that i am starting from day 1. I was and am determined to keep going with this. Tonight my brain kept taunting me saying "Oh you can have just one and you will be fine. One popper won't hurt." I say NO! Keep with the positive flow! If i can experience the emotions that i am having and remain clean for another night that is a battle well won. I did and am getting down on myself that my brain would try to fool me into thinking that it would be ok. It just wants the depression to subside for a bit but will smoking my brains out be a good way to put away my feelings. No! If anything i would much rather read and go to bed and actually sleep instead of be conscious and have to deal with my feelings. I think that sleeping, even though an avoidist measure, is better then the alternative.

So in my time of need i come to you dear reader to voice my thoughts, feelings and concerns. Nothing feels better then writing and getting everything, or most things, out of my brain. I can write without interruption and it challenges me because i try to phrase things is a well-spoken/written manner. I know that whatever i write, in this sacred space i have created, will not be judged or used against me in any way, shape or form. Here is the one place where i can be myself and say what is truly on my mind without censorship. For that i am thankful. For that i am lucky. So many people do not have an outlet to vent or say what is really on their minds. This blog is not about the fame or how many readers come to my site to see what i have written. It is my place for truth, honesty and feelings. A place i can come and share my tales and travels and let them just be. A place i call my sanctuary.

Blah blah blah, nothing exciting just updates

So the farm finally closed and my dad is just getting the rest of his stuff out and cleaning today. Tonight is his first night at his new place. I hope he has a good night and is comfy. Finally he gets to have a somewhat normal life and not have to worry about doing farm chores anymore.

Tomorrow is the first time my cleaning lady comes. I am very excited, I even took some intiative and cleaned out some cupboards so that they are more organized. I got most of the bottles left from my 'so called' friends. I am hoping that with the cleaning lady doing what she does i will be able to sort some areas out and de-clutter the apartment. This will make things better and i will be able to focus on my laundry and stuff. That will make things better, i know it will.

So more the more important dilemma is what to get my people for Christmas. I am really struggling with what to get the few people i have to buy for. I am shopping for my mum and dad and my bffx7 and her hubby to be. The problem with mum and dad is that i just don't know what to get them bc i normally get them really good ideas and stuff but i just have a giant brain block. Nothing comes to mind. I have got them one gift each but that's it, and even that gift isn't that creative. It's something useful, or what i thought would be a good relaxation gift. My bffx7 and hubby to be i am totally lost. She requested that i only get hubby to be a gift that is small and around $10, bc he has to travel with it. Her gift has to be relatively small as well bc she has to travel back to Paradise with it. Gah! If you have any suggestions or ideas please send them, i am in desperate need of help!

My dear friend Sm was over the other night with a friend of hers. It was the first time i met this friend but he was a really nice person for the first meet and greet. Can't wait till Sm is home for Christmas break. We might be going to the movies on tuesday or something but i am not sure. My mum has decided she is coming down for a visit on tuesday and i am uber excited about that. I haven't seen my mum since she moved up to the cottage so i think it will be good times. She will get to see what the cleaning lady did and we are going to talk about how good it is. I am also excited to show her some of my new organization in the few areas i did today.

I am almost done reading this Jodi Piccoult book called Perfect Match. This book was a giant disappointment. I thought it was going to be really good. I was intrigued and wanted to keep reading and then i reached the 200 pg mark and the book just went down hill. The subject was a prosecutor that finds out that her son has been sexually abused by a priest at her church. Trying to find out who actually committed the crime was ridiculous bc it was like a totally guessing game. The child suffered some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that caused him to be mute and when they were trying to find out who hurt him the similarities in the names were so close that it was just like "Oh it wasn't this guy, it was him bc the character had some excuse as to how he pronounced letters and stuff", the excuses were endless. Now i am not making light of the situation because i wanted to find out who hurt the boy as well but when it kept jumping around i didn't find it believable and the way the story turned out to be told was just not good. I was very disappointed bc there were two other books that Piccoult wrote that were very good so i guess i had my hopes up for this book. I probably will not read another book by her unless it is a subject matter that i am interested in. Boo for that book. Glad i'm pretty much done it. It isn't a good book to read anymore it's more like it has turned into a chore.

Death Before Dishonour

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.

Grumpy Panda with a positive TWIST

So i'm a bit of a grumpy panda today.

There's this person that i introduced to my group of 'so-called' friends. He's always been really arrogant and just thinks the world owes him everything.

Last night was the true test. I had 2 of the good guys over and they left my house to go do 'bad' things (which will remain unnamed) at this person's house. Since i have not been having them over all the time and i have been focussing on work and getting my life together they have now moved onto this guy, especially since he has a truck for the next little while. What bothers me most about this is that i realize now that since my place is not much of a convenience anymore they don't care. Well this makes me mad because the person i introduced is now taking my friends away. It sounds really petty i know but it upsets me how the guys can just move on and forget that i even exist. Sorry but i work everyday now and i enjoy going to bed at a decent time at night. I don't want to be up till all hours of the morning and then going to work on little or no sleep. This person said that he considers me a true friend but i see more and more that is not the case. He sees me as a friend when he is drinking my booze, and smoking my cigarettes, which he says will be replaced but never are. Well my answer to him is FUCK RIGHT OFF. When i say no he tries to pull the puppy dog eyes or has a hissy banana so that he can get his way. Grow up, you`re 26 years old and you still don`t like being told no. Sorry but in the real world no gets thrown around a lot, get used to it. I am tired of his childish games and just want him out of my life, so i am making a stand. He is no longer welcome at my house. I don`t even want to see him. Another thing that ticks me right off is that he is driving around in this truck lent to him supposedly by the Hells Angels, and he only has his G1. He likes his liquour and it is a guarantee that during the course of the weekend he is going to be drunk the entire time. Great! So now he`s driving around with people i care about and did i add that he`s driving recklessly. There have been a lot of car accidents of late and many young people have lost their lives. If he remotely hurts anyone of the people i care about i will rip him a new asshole. Just because he wants to endanger his life doesn`t mean that he can endanger others and get away scott free. I will bring a wreckoning and he won`t like that either but too bad.

As you can see i have proved my point that i am a grumpy panda. It just bothers me when my `so-called` friends always do things without me and never invite me. I think it`s quite rude and it`s apparent that my f-ship really means nothing. So i have been passive about it for a long time and now i am starting to toughen up and express my thoughts and feelings. I have to stand up for myself and do what i think is right and this is one of the times where i have no doubts in my mind that i am right.

On a good note i have been pot free for 9 days and am currently working on my 10th. I decided to do this of my own accord and it has worked out well. My parents are happy and most of all, i`m happy. I feel better. It`s not like i ran out or anything i still have some in case i need it but i just feel that i would rather not do it. I am starting to embrace feeling emotions, and it can be scary but it is a lot better. I was worried that i was having consistent bad dreams because i no longer was doing the pot before bed but i have washed that fear away by having several nights where i am not so disturbed by my dreams. Maybe it was part of withdrawal, i have no idea but man do i feel a whole lot better. I am not coughing my nights away. I am getting sleep. I have gone back to my roots and am being an avid reader once again. A past-time that i dearly missed. Books are my escape and i wouldn`t have it any other way!

I must keep on the positivity train as i am doing so well!
Thanks for all your love and support!

fml FOR real

So i started work on Tuesday of last week. I had some spots on my face but i just figured they were zits or something. Now since we all know i have some OCD issues, so i am a picker of scabs by nature. I never realized what this shit was until yesterday when i saw my psychiatrist and he said that it looked like i had impetigo. At first i thought, yeah whatever but then someone else told me that's what it looked like so i went to the walk-in clinic to get it checked out and sure enough...it's impetigo. I thought originally that impetigo was like herpes and so i was puzzled how i got it. I don't have rando sex partners or anything and i don't have a boyfriend so how could i get this 'herpes' like virus. I prescribed some pills which i have to take 4 times a day and cream to apply 3 times a day. The pharmacist that i had i gone to today said that he sees it all the time and people are very self-conscious about it. I feel like i have been shot in the face with buckshot. I never had complexion problems growing up as a kid so when i have something as horrible as this on my face, i'm freakin' out a little bit to say the least! I might be able to go to work tomorrow but i will have to cover the sores on my face up, gee thats not going to be too noticeable. Fuck My Life. This really sucks.

ATTACHED PLEASE FIND SOME INFORMATION REGARDING IMPETIGO THAT I FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA, HOPEFULLY THIS WILL EDUCATE YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID ME. ITS A LITTLE AFTER THE FACT BUT SOME KNOWLEDGE IS BETTER THEN NONE.


Impetigo is a highly contagious bacterial skin infection most common among pre-school children.[1] People who play close contact sports such as rugby, American football and wrestling are also susceptible, regardless of age. Impetigo is not as common in adults. The name derives from the Latin impetere ("assail"). It is also known as school sores. [2]


Classification
Impetigo contagiosa
Impetigo contagiosa is a cutaneous condition characterized by a staphylococcal, streptococcal, or combined infection that presents with discrete, thin-walled vesicles pustular and then rupture.[3]:255 Impetigo also causes flu-like symptoms which may cause fatigue, weakness of muscles, headaches and vomiting.[citation needed]
Bullous impetigo
Bullous impetigo primarily affects infants and children younger than 2 years. It causes painless, fluid-filled blisters — usually on the trunk, arms and legs. The skin around the blister is usually red and itchy but not sore. The blisters, which break and scab over with a yellow-colored crust, may be large or small, and may last longer than sores from other types of impetigo.
Ecthyma
Ecthyma is a more serious form of impetigo in which the infection penetrates deeper into the skin's second layer, the dermis. Signs and symptoms include:
Painful fluid- or pus-filled sores that turn into deep ulcers, usually on the legs and feet
A hard, thick, gray-yellow crust covering the sores
Swollen lymph glands in the affected area
Little holes the size of pinheads to the size of pennies appear after crust recedes
Scars that remain after the ulcers heal
Causes
It is primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, and sometimes by Streptococcus pyogenes.[4] According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, both bullous and nonbullous are primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, with Streptococcus also commonly being involved in the nonbullous form."[5]
Transmission
The infection is spread by direct contact with lesions or with nasal carriers. The incubation period is 1–3 days. Dried streptococci in the air are not infectious to intact skin. Scratching may spread the lesions.
Diagnosis
Impetigo generally appears as honey-colored scabs formed from dried serum, and is often found on the arms, legs, or face.[4]
Prevention

This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (March 2009)
Good hygiene practices can help prevent impetigo from spreading. Those who are infected should use soap and water to clean their skin and take baths or showers regularly. Non-infected members of the household should pay special attention to areas of the skin that have been injured, such as cuts, scrapes, insect bites, areas of eczema, and rashes. These areas should be kept clean and covered to prevent infection. In addition, anyone with impetigo should cover the impetigo sores with gauze and tape. All members of the household should wash their hands thoroughly with soap on a regular basis. It is also a good idea for everyone to keep their fingernails cut short to make hand washing more effective. Contact with the infected person and his or her belongings should be avoided, and the infected person should use separate towels for bathing and hand washing. If necessary, paper towels can be used in place of cloth towels for hand drying. The infected person's bed linens, towels, and clothing should be separated from those of other family members, as well. Whilst suffering from impetigo, it is best to stay indoors for a few days to stop any bacteria from getting into the blisters and making the infections worse. When a person has impetigo, it is common for them to get it a second time in the space of 6–9 months. This usually occurs in people aged 12–16.
Treatment
For generations, the disease was treated with an application of the antiseptic gentian violet.[6] Today, topical or oral antibiotics are usually prescribed. Treatment may involve washing with soap and water and letting the impetigo dry in the air. Mild cases may be treated with bactericidal ointment, such as fusidic acid, mupirocin, chloramphenicol or neosporin, which in some countries may be available over-the-counter. More severe cases require oral antibiotics, such as dicloxacillin, flucloxacillin or erythromycin. Alternatively amoxicillin combined with clavulanate potassium, cephalosporins (1st generation) and many others may also be used as an antibiotic treatment.
Hydrogen peroxide is an alternative to topical antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo. In a cream formulation hydrogen peroxide 1% is stabilized, thereby avoiding fast degradation with the result of prolonged antimicrobial effect and effective treatment. Hydrogen peroxide has been shown to be as effective as antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo Contagiosa.

Party Central!

So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.

The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.

I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.

I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!

please excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar

I have already fucked up. I have been out of detox 3 hours and i have already gotten high. I have to say i felt really disappointed when i went and saw my dad and he wouldn't even look at me. I thought i looked pretty damn clear and good. I feel guilty that i have already done a boo boo but there's a part of me that says I don't think it was that bad. I was in there to get away from my house and the pot, and then when i come home the first thing i do is to have a sesh. It felt good to be sober for a few days i'm not going to discount that but having this toke and talking with some friends was nice too. I missed my boys and it was good to see some of them and i'm sure that i will see more of them tonight. I am going to be totally honest and say that when i was talking to my discharge planner, I did say that i don't really want to totally cut my habit out of my life i just want to be able to manage it better. I don't think my parents would like to hear that though. They want me to say i am done with it and never will do it again. I am getting tired of trying to please my dad and getting nowhere with it. He's not happy with any thing that i do. I am going to therapy and trying to make serious changes and he just ignores it. Today when he wouldn't look at me that was pretty interesting as well. Like geez i went to detox to please him and mum and it's just not working. From detox i learned that i was able to conquer some demons and go sober for a few days. Now i have to carry what i was doing in detox to what i am doing at home. Writing this and getting all my thoughts and feelings out is a good improvement. I can then reflect back on what i have written and see what i was feeling at that particular time. I think this will help me to learn to deal with my emotions. If i can come here and totally vent all my cares away and i know it's a safe venue then all the power to me. If people choose to comment great, i want to hear what people have to say, positive or negative. I also hope that by me writing about my life and what i have to deal with especially with my addictions, that even a person can take a word away from my blog and leave the rest then i am reaching people/fans/ readers in a way that i want to, and that makes me happy. Since detox doesn't allow computers or anything i had to write manual journal entries, but i plan to post them on here. Give me some time and i will get 'er done! Dad just called and when i told him he was frustrating me and upsetting me he just said 'yeah, i know' and then expected me to just let it go. Why do i even try to impress him, it's an impossible feat. I just get more upset and degraded when it's not good enough for him but i am trying so god damn hard.

the positivity must keep going strong!

So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.

It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.

So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.

Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(

So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.

I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!

So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!

Waaaa Waaaaa Weeee Waaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Very nice!

So i keep telling myself, “One small step for man, One giant step for mankind.” (Buzz Lightyear (?)

I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.

I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!

Ciao for now!!!

xoxo

I'm thinking of two words

Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!

Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.

I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!

No means No... Didn't you hear me the first time?

I am starting to say no and people really don't like it. They throw hissy fits and turn into complete jerks... so then i am at a point where i am questioning is this a decent friendship and worth fighting for. This particular person thinks that by paying me $15 in gas money and buying me some rockstars is going to cover my time and effort. Where i start to say that's enough and No is because this person continually asks me for stuff: smokes, booze, money, anything. I am left in the hole if i provide him with stuff and i just don't see the point anymore. The friendship isn't that great, he talks to me like a piece of trash when he wants and sees me as a convenience sex person. On the whole i wouldn't mind having a perma booty call status with someone but it's never enough for this person. He is constantly asking for more and i can't do it. This is where i draw a line in the sand and say no. I have already said no about 5 times and he is still hassling me. Now the offer has been upgraded to gas, booze, and doing stuff for me............. Not a smash seller with me. Just said no a sixth time and tried to say for the 4th time that I have already done a lot for him and it's never good enough so i am done.... then i get the rhetorical question, “So that's a no for sure?” FUCKING RIGHT THAT”S A NO FOR SURE. I am tired of being walked all over and not a thought given to me or my feelings. This guy is persistant i will give him that but Geez give me a break. And if he comes to the apartment and starts ringing my buzzer i am going to ignore him too. A one time half romp sesh does not mean that you can control me and that you know how things are going to go. I have to say no to him and others, which in turn is saying yes to myself. That's right i have to say yes to myself more often and not get forced into doing things that i don't want to do just so that the person doesn't have a hissy banana. Sounds like i am dealing with children at a daycare level..... Geez that's another thing that i don't need. Now he's trying to get someone else to talk to me so that he can get his way. I need time by myself to process this shit and keep firm with the No business. I can do it! I know i can! I know I can! (some paraphrasing from the little engine that could.)

I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3

i have no idea what to title this

So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.

So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.

Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:

“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”

This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.

I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.

BupKiss!!!

Today is the day i get back to writing my blog. After i received the comment below, how could i not:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bingo Bango Bongo":

You haven't updated in so long! I love your blog, write more soon! xo

It fascinates me how people are still wanting to hear about my boring yet adventurous life. So i will start writing this now at 111 pm and then i will bit and piece it together.

First off my addiction is by far at it's worst. I don't feel worthy of change or a better lifestyle. My depression and other Mi's are wreaking havoc on me. I disassociate from my parents and spend their money like a fiend. It kills me when my dad says that i am trying to buy people's friendship but in the end when i analyze it or look, it appears that way. The way i think of it though is that i am helping out a friend that i would hope would help me out when i need it. I throw all caution to the wind and my impulsivity is at an all time high. I am afraid to go to detox because i am worried that it might not work but i have been told that sometimes for people it takes several go's before it works. I question what my purpose here is all the time. I am a 26 year old party animal and i am way old to be doing it. My celebrity example would be Lindsay Lohan, but i'm older then her too! I rarely want to eat, and if i do it's only a matter of time before i am ralphing it back up. I am trying to do a liquid diet for now because i know that i can handle that. My parents miss their old Sarah, and i have no idea what i have become but it is monstrous to say the least. I have even gotten to a point where i don't think i deserve any better so i just keep frittering my life away and being silly.

There's people out there that take advantage of me. I question how i attract all these people that want to borrow money and use my stuff. I must have an i'm stupid or take advantage of this one she's easy on my head. Or something that makes me stand out so that i am an easy target. Saying no to people i think are my friends is one of the hardest things in the world and i rarely do it. Then if you go by the “you teach people how to treat you model,” technically i encourage that kind of behaviour. How do i learn to say No? I wish there was a way i could learn and start using it immediately. There are so many things that i would rather not do and because i can't say no i get roped into doing them. If you have any suggestions or anything please feel free, if you want to tell me how silly i am or whatever your feeling, i always let my readers know this is an open forum and they can comment on anything that i write about.

The song “Nothing on You” by B.o.B (feat. Bruno Mars) is something that i am constantly listening to. It's a great beachy type song but the meaning behind it, frig it makes me wish i had someone that thought about me that way. Someone to cuddle and have a movie date with. Someone to pamper the odd time. Someone to cook and enjoy dinner with. Someone to love me for me, faults included! Other songs that make me think about 'him' are Perfect (hedley), Billionaire (B.o.B.), Airplanes (B.o.B.), Can't Be Tamed (Miley Cyrus), Not Myself Tonight (Christina Aguilera), Over (Drake), plus there's a few classics like anything by Jason Mraz, the Eagles, RHCP, STP, Katy Perry and Ke$ha, that's just to name a few.

I have been making an effort to keep my house clean. Keep the dishes tidy, got all my laundry up to date. The one thing that i don't do enough of is vaccuming and with having Abby and Zoe, my cats) it's something that i need to be more on top of. There's something that i hate about doing it. Maybe it's the fact that if i do it, i know in a matter of seconds it's going to have hair on it again. I think that i need to add to my routine that once i finish doing the dishes i also vaccuum, but it depends because i am not vaccuming at some stupid time and annoying my neighbours because i'm not a jerk like that.

The weekend of July 3^rd i have a wedding to go to. It's my cousins and it is my first wedding as a guest. It is also the first time i have seen this side of my mum's family in quite a long time, i would guess about 5-7 years. I am a little worried because i know that some of them know that i am battling addiction(s), but i don't want that to be the focus. I want to be looked at like a regular person, not some handicapped or addicted person. I kind of wish that my mum didn't tell them some of the stuff that is going on right now but i can't be a total controlling asshole because she needs to vent too. Geez my mum probably feels like she is going through Hell everyday, so she has to talk about it to someone. She can't just keep it inside and let it eat away at her, that's how people get sick, and i know that both my parents are highly stressed right now, and yes, sadly it is majority caused by me. It's almost like everything i touch right now turns to shit.

Writing all this makes me feel better a little bit because i can say what i want. This is my space and i will use it however i choose. I want people to be informed about the marijuana poppers and what a bad thing they are to be addicted to. If one person can read this and see what path it could possibly take them down, or even relate to this, it might help or prevent something from starting. My parents informed me that i have been going through this addiction for about 2 months now. In a way it seems short but then again it feels a lot longer then that.

So the last few days i have been going over a list that i have generated of who i have had sex with and then another list of people who i have done stuff with. I have had sex with 10 people and 4 of those people were 'trophies'. I have done stuff with 17 people and 9 of those people were 'trophies'. There is one person that i want to do both or one of the categories and he is a 'trophy' as well. Sometimes i think that is a lot of people but then i factor in that i am 26 years old so that's not bad. When someone that is 19 that has a track record that is like mine, that's a little more 'interesting' is the word i will use for safety purposes. I have no idea why i told you this but my list was here and then i just thought while i was looking at it that i would write about that on the blog.

My apartment got re-arranged about a week ago, and i am happy to say that i have an official office desk with majority of my office needs on it. I can sit at the laptop on one of my kitchen chairs and it is just right. It feels comfortable and has everything, and it's right by the door which i like. Looks like a working apartment instead of just a party place or crash pad.

I am very excited to go see SITC 2. The first movie was really good and me being a fashion-holic loved everything about it. I never really watched the series so the movie was awesome but i never really did anything to download the seasons or anything. I am just happy watching the movie and not really knowing the back story. That's a major faux pas in the film world i know.....sorry!

I finally broke down and got the wii fit plus with the balance board. It tells me obese all the time but i think that's really negative so i ignore it. I love playing the snowball game, it's one of my favourites. I am just starting to break out and try a few more of the games. I will say that it has helped me because i always want to know what my wii fit age is. I have been lucky to get 20 sometimes and 50 others. I have noticed my Centre of Balance has improved though since using it. I've had it for approximately 2 months or maybe a little bit more. It was kind of expensive but it's worth it for me because then i can exercise at home without having to worry about people watching me or what i look like.

Time and again i try to make others happy before myself. You would think that the people i am trying to make happy would be impressed but all i can seem to do is cause problems and make people unhappy. So many people are disappointed with me right now, most of all myself. I wake up every morning wishing i didn't exist. My depression is getting worse as each day goes by. I need to gain the courage to want to help myself. I need to want more for myself and know that i can do better. If i am the only person that doesn't believe this then maybe i can rely on particular people to help me with such an issue. I feel so guilty all of the time and i hate myself with such a passion. I hate what i have become. Visions of the old me pass by like a runaway train without a cause. Just racing, no looking back or forward, full tilt.

BOOK NOOK – 2 good reads – The Book of Negroes (great story, and it felt like i was actually on a journey with the main character.)

-My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler is my hero!)