Trust NO ONE

So i have been clean for 5 days, and just to prove a point i am not going to get st*ned tonight. Mum and Dad have supposedly put up a united front and want to be supportive which sounds great (on the surface). My mum wanted to send me to Homewood. Fine bring it on bitches! My dad 'gave me one last chance' to go clean on my own, which i have done for 5 days so far. They think that this one particular person is the disaster in my world, want me to ditch him, forget he even exists. I haven't said that i will do that. I have one friend "or so i think" that's what they say. My mum just wants to ship me off so that the problem is elsewhere and that's that. Dad thinks that because he gave me one last chance that he can talk to me like a degenerate piece of trash while putting on the mr. supportive face. I can see right through it now. So the lesson from tonight: Trust No One. I have been struggling and things haven't been so peachy keen but i have stayed straight, haven't made that phone call or anything. If i have to have the thought that he gave me one last chance and it hang over my head for the rest of my life FUCK HIM. He thinks he knows so much. Treating me the way he did in all cases was not acceptable. Fine I get the message and i am going to pull right back from them. I guess i will have to go to a generic help line when i need to talk to someone. Anger, rage, pissyness, all those negative feelings right now are what i am feeling. Can i say that i really trust anyone right now.... Nope. Those that i thought i did trust aka my mother and father, just lost it tonight. FUCK YOU. I can do this on my own and if they do anything i will fight back. I am not going to be their little puppy dog of a daughter anymore. They can find a new bitch boy/girl. It makes me sad that i can't even trust my parents but oh well, that's something that i will just have to get over. They think they are so high and mighty and that they can dictate who i do and don't associate with. WRONG AGAIN. We live in a free society where there is freedom of speech, expression and choice. Blaming someone else for problems that i have incurred and brought on myself, they are living in denial. I chose to make the decisions i did. I chose to smoke poppers. I chose to rather live in a non-real world where everything is numb. It's safe and that's the way i like it. Ok i'm not the most happy with it but it's way better then having to deal with two parents threatening me and harassing me. They want what's best for me but if this is their way of saying that then check your attitude at the door and try using some respect. My dad made a statement before this all went down, Gee you haven't been here for dinner in a long time. I wonder why... Everytime i see you i am given an ultimatum of who can be my friend and who can't, who i can associate with and not. At 26 you would think that i am old enough to choose my friends now, especially without the assistance of two loner parents. For example, my mum is in this loveless relationship that is just break up and get back together...wow that's a good example. My dad has no friends.... yet again, another good example. They don't want me to hole up in my apartment and do nothing yet they don't want me to go out with people either. Sounds fucked to me.

It is totally unnecessary to knock someone down when they are already skimming the bottom of the barrel and dealing with addiction. They need love and support. Saying 'you can't do this this' and 'don't fuck up' gets them nowhere. If anything it make me want to get that gram of pot on speed dial. Life isn't wonderful and so why not just go through pretending that you don't exist. My parents have put so much on me tonight that I REFUSE to call for pot. I will take a drink though. I can at least have that and not get in trouble or threatened for having one. Knowing my luck though they will say that i broke the rules and punish me some more.

TRUST NO ONE, that's all i can say. Look how far trusting the ones i love most got me.....

Stuff...

I am on a mission.

While trying to quit doing poppers for the second time, i am going to keep myself busy with home improvements. I promised my mum that if i was going to smoke pot it was going to just be pot, not poppers. I failed at that but i am trying to go clean again. I don't know what it is that i like about them. After prolonged periods of time i become wheezy and my asthma gets out of control and that leads to hack attacks among other things. The reason that i do pot is so that i can escape from reality. I would rather be in a world where i am emotionally numb instead of having the ups and downs and not knowing how to control or handle it. Emotions are a scary thing for a person with borderline personality disorder. Being unprepared at how you will feel, the thought scares me let alone going through it. A common trait with people that have borderline personality is that they have a very addictive personality that at times can take over until there is an extreme ending (which could be bad or good, but from my experience it usually leads to the bad side of things). Imagine having a personality that was easily addictive, whether it be to food, exercising, starvation, gambling, drugs, shopping, and so many more. Just having one is hard to deal with but when you have multiple addictions that's when it gets really tricky. You want to be independent and manage them all on your own, but for some reason you just keep putting it off and putting it off. My addiction to pot has lead to another episode where i feel like complete and utter shit. I know this is going to happen and what the end possibility is going to be but for the life of me, why do i continue to go back to habits that are destructive. I have to make a concerted effort to want change, and believe me when i say i want change. I need to take each day as it goes and work on it itself. I have to realize there are going to be times where i slip back into my old ways but i have to acknowledge that and start over once again. Failure is hard to compete with but if i keep trying it's not really failing then is it.

Things i want to do include:
-get a plant and learn how to take care of it
-take down the plastic that was covering my screen, which i have partially completed
-take out all the staples that were holding said plastic to the screen (i have done one panel so far, this job is not only frustrating and monotonous, but it just plain sucks. i think i will have to do it whenever i have time and want to do it.)
-get rid of the mess on my kitchen table
-take out the garbage and keep it tidy
-clean the washroom
-laundry (which is piled high, and includes that from my trip which was a while ago)

Other activities include:
-going to my cope group, learn to work on my self esteem and self confidence
-maybe explore something regarding getting my BA in something..... maybe literature, psychology, etc.
-get a job, get back into a routine
-go to my walking group
-go to the movies
-write on here more!
-chronicle my thoughts and ideas
-teach myself to cook

BPD

So i am reading this book called STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. It's for people that are dealing with a family member/significant one/friend, etc. who has Borderline Personality. I have read the first few chapters and it's really interesting but in the same way it's scary. At one point or another i have possessed/done all of the traits and characteristics. I feel bad because i realize how much havoc i have wreaked on peoples lives. All my relationships ended horribly because of my illness. What makes me think and sad about that is that i didn't know i had. It's only in the last few years that i was diagnosed with BPD. I have been through a bunch of meds and take a large quantity just to stay stane or partially "normal". When i was initially diagnosed, it was very upsetting but it also explained why my range of emotions is so small and why i do some of the things i do. There was a time in my life where i hated my mum for 2 years, and my mum is so special and important to me. Some of the stuff i said to her was just plain brutal and cruel. I regret the way i behaved when i actually sit and think about all the shit that i did and said to her. I wanted to post this here because i just recently added the title "i'm mental so what" as a label for my posts. BPD is very confusing but if i read this book i might be able to learn how to deal differently (hopefully better). I have already decided that i want to sit down and ponder what some of my triggers are. I think knowing this information may be a step in the right direction on dealing with something before it happens. BPD is often accompanied by anxiety, depression, and some other not nice things. One thing i want to write though, People with BPD do not have multiple personality syndrome. It has more to do with experiencing a range of emotion containing : sad, angry, or nothing/blah. I also feel that i have trouble expressing and dealing with emotions, it's like i am scared to have feelings because i don't know how i will react. Crying in public is hard for me to do and when i do it at the movie theatre i feel like a giant ass. My mum, my biggest supporter, says that crying is a good thing and that i should do it more often. I wish it was that easy. I understand that it might make me feel better with releasing it but for some reason i just have a hard time getting to a point where i can release like that. I need to stop reverting to bad habits for escapism, or if i want to escape do it in a more appropriate way. The book says there a bunch, like millions of people, that suffer from this. If i could reach one or get to conversing with one that would be an interesting idea. It might be cool to see how much we are alike and learn different techniques on how to deal with things. I am going to be doing some more research in this area, check out a suggested website and then give some feedback as to whether it is any good for someone with BP or someone trying to understand living with a person with BPD

Here's what i have to say about that

So this is going to be one of those posts that I am going what the hell? That's weird, i can't believe someone actually did that.



1. Create a group for your own birthday party hosted by you. I think that the person that did this either has a lot of time on her hands or she just wants to have her party her perfect way. Why would you do that? Are you desperate to see who will actually show up on your party night? This particular person has gone to the trouble of not only creating a group and administoring it, but has also confirmed herself as a guest. Geee, you would think that you would go to your own birthday party not only as a guest but as a host two! Maybe going as two people is better then one.



2. People that join groups, in general all of them but some of the really silly ones like: I Hate Cigarettes (it's got a lot of pics of ciggy butts, i particular thought this one was a great piece though. i seriously wish cigarettes came like this), 96% of all people can't solve this riddle (wtf, who cares), Crosby's Goal <3>

3. People with hundreds upon hundreds of friends on facebook. What is it, like the more friends you have that you can say you know by 20 degrees of separation the better off you'll be. Yeah i do it... i purge my facebook friends every one/two weeks. What's the point of having a list full of people you don't talk to. The idea of keeping a few from public school or highschool, etc. is alright too but not you're entire class. What if you didn't like everyone in your class. You can be a facebook friend whore and just continually add people as friend for an infinity. Sounds kinda lame to me.

4. Dumb games that will never really advance you or anything, just use them as time filler. I was playing Farmville and Fishville at one point. (We all know that farmville is a guilty pleasure :)) With fishville it took forever to progress through the levels and there was no real point in doing it. Oh great you can buy a totally different fish, or even better a tank ornament. Now that's something. Jazz up a fish tank that in the end is going to make you more money without the decoration. BTW, the decorations are just a waste anyway, but it's something to buy i guess (that's the shopaholic in me talking)

5.Saving the best for last. What's up with the out of sync issues with facebook. I know it's suppose to be a mediocre program but geez does it have to operate like plain shit. It's frustrating having to refresh the page all the time (even though it's a simple press of a button). Then not only do you pull that crap but when i want to delete certain applications, that i don't use and think are a waste of time appearing on my profile, you won't let me delete them. That's not very nice but it's just another example of the computer world taking over everything. It will be a sad day when technology is every breath, heartbeat, thought. It sounds fun but in retrospect it could be a giant shit storm. Then things like the terminator will become a reality and we won't be able to look back at it as that great film with Arnie in it.

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh

So i want to start this off: RIP Stacy, my little calf that was Clinton's twin. She passed away on Feb. 12, 2010. I was on vacay and only received the information yesterday that she had passed away. Stacy was named after Stacy London, who is on the show with Clinton called What Not to Wear. She was a small little critter and i hope that she is playing in the giant pasture in the sky.

I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.

I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.

ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!

There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!

The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.

I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.

I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)

Snow=YUCK

So i arrived home on Wednesday night and it was snowing. Today is now Friday and it is still snowing. It makes me sad to know that i came from a warm paradise to snow plow piles larger then the average person. My balcony is snowed in. Everything is covered, and it looks like it won't be stopping anytime soon. There's no sun, and that also makes me sad. Any water is covered with a thick layer of ice, there's no crystal blue waters here.

Getting off the plane and walking through the doors to where people collect the travellers is one of the best feelings ever. It's like my parents are seeing me for the first time. Big smiles and hugs. I share stories of my vacay on the way home and i also get filled in on what is new.

Last night i was more productive though. I was able to empty all my luggage and put things into an order of who gets what. It was nice to go through the things and see what i brought home. I think everyone that i bought for will be more then happy with what they get. I brought some really interesting things home, ie. a golf ball from Britannia golf course which was one of the original golf balls. Ed Hardy stuff (of course), some magnets, and some pirate stuff which is really cool. There's more I can assure you i just don't want to give anything away in case recipients read this.

I really miss my Bffffffff though. She was awesome to stay with and we did a lot of things that she wanted to do that no one really does with her. There was lots of bonding time, and it made me feel like it was the good ol' times or even better. We shared some really great food and drink and shopped like there was no tomorrow. Pampering ourselves is a must and we made sure we did our fair share of that too. There are still things that I want to do that we didn't get around to but I know when I go there next year, we will be doing them for sure.

Things That Go Bump or Thud or Crash in the Night

A real, live Gecko that skitters the walls of the corridor at night. They blend in, or are cammoflaged. They are small and cute though. I haven't touched one which is probably a good thing!

Me dressed up! At Casanova's for dinner with our balcony table.

Me at the Pirate Caves, which is the closest thing to a local zoo. Bob is the name of the parrot sitting on my arm and he was very well behaved...thank god, because i am not the most comfortable with birds.

Bonding with my RaceCar!

My RaceCar

So last night i was in my sleeping area passed right out. I was having crazy dreams and I happened to kick the wall. The wall in the apartment is partially sanded stucco. So i woke up because i felt a really severe pain, and found that i had cut the pad right off my big toe and it had started to hemorrage all over the duvet (which i am taking to the cleaners today) and the fitted sheet (which i put in a cold water wash asap). Then because the washer sounds like a clunky demon it woke up my friend and i had to account for the sillyness which went on. That's ok it's a funny story. In my dream i was sitting in the dirt giving a lesson and this particular horse that i knew in the past trotted by and attempted to kick me. So me doing what i would do in real life, tried to kick it back and then the wall bit my toe. It's quite painful and i have to be careful walking so that i don't injure it anymore. I have a double band aid as well as a sock for protection. This just proves that things that go bump or "crash" (in my case) in the night are not a good thing.... the crazy life of Sg!

Yesterday was a wonderful day of pampering Caymanian style, but i'm not going to lie i already have been pampered on the thursday of last week because that time i had a massage that was just to die for. The girl worked me out so well that i felt like a piece of fluff. I was very impressed and told the owner of the salon so. I even said it was better then my experience at the Ritz and for a major affordable price.

The weather has been overcast which is a bit poopy but i still love it here. I like driving my little race car around the island. It's small and convenient and of course FAB. I was originally going to name it Herb after the Herbie movies but you can't really name a rental car so i just call it my little race car.

Last night we went out for dinner to Prime, which is a Brazilian Steak house. I went there last time that i was here but it was really nice this time and beat how fab it was compared to last. The lamb was incredible and i tried some suckling pig and couldn't get over how much i liked it because i am not a big fan of pig. We had our own little table in a secluded area and it was so private and nice. I like being treated like a princess! (Anyone who knows me knows that!). The night before we went to a restaurant called Casanovas and it was a REAL Italian restaurant. The food was awesome and we sat outside and had the roll of the waves serenade us over dinner. I made a toast to my friend showing my appreciation and love and i almost cried but i didn't!

We have been total movie hounds. We've seen: Edge of Darkness, Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief, The Fourth Kind, Valentine's Day, From Paris with Love. There is a trailer for the movie Green Zone which we have seen quite a few times and it looks amazing. Check it out if you can because it is sure to be a hit and it's from the director that created the Jason Bourne movies and Matt Damon is the lead character as well as having a great supporting cast. The movie Dear John looks fantastic as well, but we already knew that because i have read the book and i'm a sucker for Channing Tatum!