Movie Review: AVATAR 2009

So last night i took my mum to the movies at the movie theatre in town. It was cheap night and when a movie is only $5, how can you say no to affordable entertainment. We saw Avatar, which is directed by James Cameron and it's supposed to be the best when compared to Titanic, Aliens or The Terminator movies. The thing that made Avatar so special was that it wasn't like any other movie i had seen. The closest i could come to comparing it was to Ferngully which was a Disney movie. This is the same sort of idea, it just is way better. The colours were to die for. They were hynoptic greens, twisting turquoises, and perfect purples. The vibrancy was that of a type of glow in the dark type item. The scenery was beautiful and unreal. It was like something you would see in a dream. The one thing that was really amazing was the main character had been injured some way and was in a wheelchair and through the 'avatar' process he was able to regain the use of his legs again. An idea that seemed impossible for him. Cameron captured the raw urge of the humans to want to profit and money is what makes the world go round. I think that he got the ruthlessness of the General character perfect. It was his way or no way, hell or highwater. It was really sad how pathetic the people seemed. The main tribe in the movie was spiritual, loving, and teaching each other. As soon as shit starts to go down you almost think twice about decisions and stuff you have done because it shows what assholes people can be. I didn't see the movie in 3d which i heard is the way to see it but i actually think that if i was doing the 3d experience it would cause me some issues because when they do the cliff diving type stunts i would be shitting my pants! I'm sure it would be an experience to see it in IMAX but it would still be hard because you would still get the feeling that you were right there doing what the character is doing.

PLEASE SEE THIS FILM IT'S AMAZING.

9 1/2 Weeks.... AMAZING MOVIE, A MUST SEE

Inspiration: 9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke

It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.

He's Seeing the Problem, but what will he do about it....DAY 14!!!!!!

As the Christmas season comes to an end, a very dear friend has succumbed to the horrible life of drugs. He doesn't believe that pot is a drug but he is going to the deep depths of the crappy life spiral that it offers. Messing around with other drugs is not helping his situation. He got to experience what withdrawl from meds prescribed for depression is like and he couldn't handle it. He got scared and that led him to doing stupid things. He has made some commitments and promises which is good but whether he can keep them or not is up to him. I hope for his benefit that he can keep the promises and work towards a clean and sober lifestyle.

I know that today is my 14th day. I feel a lot better, i am more productive and my fam and friends see a huge change. I feel way better and i'm not coughing up as much crap as i was. Sure i still have moment where my lungs want to evacuate some crap but that's only reasonable considering how long i had been abusing them. The one thing i am finding common about people addicted to poppers is that they don't view pot as a drug they see it as nothing harmful, but with THC content in each batch being different and the middle getting their customers where they want them it is an addictive drug. I was lucky that i was able to see the light when i did or i would have lost a fair amount. My parents would never see me lose everything because what kind of parents would they be if that happened. I know that my bad habits led to a lot of rough times with relationships with people and it totally changed me as a person. I don't want that for my life. I want to be independent, attempt at being happy, and enjoy life instead of abusing it.

Season of Emotion + Popper Chronicles Announcement :(

So my christmas eve and christmas day were fantab but boxing day is going to really be the shit!

CHRISTMAS EVE

At first i was worried about going. Hell, I even had a panic attack while driving down to the cottage, which is owned by my mum's boyfriend. Then i chose some good driving music and let all cares be released and i was just going to live out each moment that occured. No worrying anymore about the future or present, or how feelings could be hurt or whatever drama may come. After I got to the cottage and saw my mum and her smiling face i knew that i was going to be ok because she was going to be there for me if i needed anything: support, a hug, or just a smile. We carried in my stuff and i was immediately drawn to say hi to my nana. I have been of a bit of a weirdo and pulled back from her so i haven't seen her for what might seem like a eon. Hair done the same, nylons and slippers, and her classic pair of glasses perched on top of her head like a pair of cool shades. I said hi and then gave her a big hug that possessed emotions i didn't think i had were possible and then it flashed before my eyes what a jerk i had been and that i kinda miss having a nana. She was really good about it too, just acted like old times and that is was just like seeing me the day before. I was very impressed by her forgiveness. I can only imagine what type of strength that would have. I socialized with the bf and he was pretty cool too. (I had done the same to him. Yeah i know what's with me!) Mum was in the kitchen working away like she always done and making an old favourite of mine that had my taste buds watering hours after eating such a delicious meal. I assisted the bf with some computer stuff so that he has another piece of the world at his finger tips. Some people are so gracious when you are able to open another portal of the technological world to them. I'm used to it now so i can explore around at my will and do things, such as this blog. We watched a movie together... well i would say we watched about 3 mins of the movie together then everyone except me was in their own little naptime world. That's ok! I thought it was kind cute and family-like. Sleep was challenging and strange.

CHRISTMAS DAY

I woke up and made a pit stop at the bathroom before seeing anyone else. Good thing because i always wonder if i look like a decent morning person or a zombie looking type person. Went to the kitchen and mum and the bf were making coffee, and already starting another day of food heaven for me. Mum was even happier when i had saw her the day before, it's like every minute i was there my mum loved me more. It was a good feeling and one that i haven't felt for a logn time. We chittered chattered, and puttered around before and after breakfast. Simon, the cat, was our morning entertainment. (I love live entertainment!) We then decided to open presents to comply with christmas day family tradition. The gifts given and received were so thoughtful and interesting. That's something you can really learn about a person and how they are, is by the gifts they receive. Laughter was shared and silly faces were made while taking pictures of the days events started. Smiles and hugs were shared by all and it was yet again, another family moment. Then by the early afternoon i decided that i had better start making my trek back to the 'Bridge to be with dad for dinner and apparently he was going to 'whip my ass' at Scrabble. I thought that was very bold of him considering I am a lady of many words! Leaving was difficult because i just wanted to stay and enjoy some more familytime but I also didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings by not seeing him on christmas day. I asked mum to help me put my stuff in the truck for the ride home and that she did. She expressed how much she loved me and how important it was to her that i come up and spend some time with her. I love my mum dearly, and this moment really warmed my heart. Special, comes to mind and fits very well. Then i went home, had a nap and then went to the farm to spend some quality time with my dad on the farm. Before we helped each other with the food, we shared a big hug and the love felt in that hug was something i have never received from my dad as a parent. He's not emotional or understanding of his or other peoples feelings. But the hug felt like he was opening up to me and giving that genuine approval that i have been seeking for my entire life. Even though we hugged for a short period of time the moment passed slowly and was lovely to experience.

THE POPPER CHRONICLES ANNOUNCEMENT

I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT POT AND POPPERS FOR 12 DAYS TODAY. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. I'M NOT COUGHING UP NEAR AS MUCH STUFF AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY LUNGS AND BODY FEELING BETTER.I AM KIND OF SAD THOUGH AS I WRITE THIS, A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME A GRAM OR SO FOR CHRISTMAS AND I HAD TO TAKE IT BECAUSE THEY INSISTED. I CAME HOME AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ADVENTUROUS AND REWARD MY SELF WITH A LITTLE TASTE. I'VE BEEN DOING SO WELL AND I TRULY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEM BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T BE THAT BAD. NOW THAT I HAVE DONE THEM I FEEL VERY GUILTY. I'VE LET MYSELF DONE. I WRITER THIS AND AM ALMOST IN TEARS. I DID 3 POPPERS AND THEN PUT MY THINGS AWAY NOT TO USE THEM AGAIN. YES I STILL HAVE MAJORITY OF THE WEED IN MY SECRET SPOT BUT I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY WRITING MOJO, THAT I HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK. SO I AM BEING HONEST AND TELLING THE TRUTH AND I AM GOING TO CALL MY MUM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER AND SHE MIGHT BE VERY UPSET BUT I AM GOING TO TELL HER THAT I AM VERY SORRY AND REGRET WHAT I DID BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL (MORALLY) VERY GOOD RIGHT NOW AND I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. SORRY READERS, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP FAITH IN ME, I'M NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF JUST YET EITHER.

Get A Load Of This Guy!

So my first adventure for the day was i gave my one number to this guy to talk to him. His profile read :

"Please don't say that you like "any" or "all" types of music.. 'cause frankly that means that you have no taste.... Don't show me pictures of you in a bikini... please have some class.. don't put up a picture of your dog.. 'cause... i'm not interested in your dog... just 'cause you've been to paris or australia or jumped out of a plane or climbed some stupid mountain... it means nothing to me... 'cause i've probably been and done things your mind couldn't even dream of... be different"

So my response to his saying hello to me was:

Dear "x",

Thanks for the wonderful compliments.

I just read your profile and was surprised by how negative it sounded.

I'm sure you are a great person and all but it came off as kind of cocky. Maybe you have done things that I have never done which would be interesting to hear about but the profile that i read really doesn't make me want to pursue anything.

Ciao

Sarah

So anyway he calls me and starts giving me shit for being honest and telling me what a closed person i am. He starts grilling me, are you healthy? blah blah blah, and my response was well i don't want to be interrogated right now so.... Then i went into detail about the Cayman Islands because he is going there for a wedding. He was cocky, obnoxious and arrogant. He was dying to meet me tonight and see if we hit it off, but by the conversation we had i was just like "Who is this guy?" I like all types of music and i know that. I think it's nice when people put pictures up of their animals because that means they are so important to them. Yeah there are some people that have no class, well majority, but that's not my decision to bash them and make fun of them or be negative about them. This guy had it in his head that it was my lucky day to talk to him and that i should go to Cayman islands with him so that he doesn't have to get a tour guide, or another person he doesn't know. Come on dude, seriously, you just take random people on trips. I don't and i don't want to be a tour guide for someone with the likes of you. Someone who broadly states they have been around the world 5 times yet has never been to a beachy place! So is that really considered being around the world five times, you're missing some vital places...I think he over did it with the been around the world 5 times deal. When someone says that to me I think well they have visited every country or continent at least and at the young age of 32 which he was that's very impressive, but alas that was not the case. He has probably travelled to popular places and that is consider all around the world, not in my books though.

NOTE TO SELF- never give out my number to someone who thinks they are all that and a bag of chips when really they are a cocky ASSHOLE! It's not my lucky day to talk to you, the role is reversed! Now i sound like a cocky ASSHOLE, good thing i didn't go any further with this guy because i think it would have been clashing right from the start.

Day 10, Halfway through my 21 days!

Today is the beginning of day 10. I have made it 10 days clean and sober, no pot! This makes me feel really good and makes my parents and doctor feel even better. People are starting to recognize the old me is coming back, only this time I'm more creative and motivated. I find that by now i just don't have the want to do pot. I could careless if someone did it infront of me or offered it to me, i just don't have the desire to do it. My body is feeling so much better, physically, mentally, emotionally, and whatever else. I almost have my voice back to full power so i don't squeak anymore which is really nice and people can understand what i am saying without me having to repeat myself (which is a pet peeve of mine!). My doctor was so excited when i told her yesterday that i was 9 days clean from pot she gave me a high five, a hug and was so happy. When i get a call from my dad and he hears that my voice is coming back quite strongly, he sounds like he is going to cry because he is so proud of me. My mum is more happy when she talks to me and enjoys my company just like before, when i was not a drug addict. Sure i did the odd joint or bong every once and a while but that's fine it's not like it's an everyday process. My one boy toy was so proud of me for quitting pot that he wants to quit for a while too because he finds that he is doing it all day everyday since he has been laid off. I had a chat with my mentor about my story and that i was sharing on my blog and she was happy because she said most people don't recognize that pot is addictive, yet the drug lords that grow and sell do anything they can to raise the THC content so that people keep coming back to them. I don't feel bad when i tell people, like you dear reader, that i was addicted to pot because i think it's better to share and have people know what it is about and where it leads. Just thinking about it now, i am almost halfway there to my 21 days, and that's exciting. The time is going by so fast, too fast for the christmas season because i don't have some christmas presents and i need to get them today! I want to go out more, i want adventure and spontaneity back. That's what was special about me and i love that it is coming back full force. Sure at night time i like to relax on the sofa bed and watch movies but i'm still doing it clean and it's so relaxing. The cats notice a difference too because they join me on the sofa bed and we have a little family reunion. In this case, CHANGE IS GOOD, and i have to keep up the good work. The progress is definitely incentive. I also talked to a contact and they said that they would be willing to do an interview type deal to share their story about being addicted to poppers and pot. I am also proud to say that i am actually saving money. You never realize how expensive and detrimental it is until you have savings and you can see that money is available since it is not being spent on bad recreational habits. So many pluses it's fantab.

Day 7, A full week complete + some FYI about Grow Ops

Today is Day 7 and i am clean as a whistle.

My voice is coming back gradually. I hope it's back in time for Christmas but i don't really care in someways.

My health is getting back to normal. I notice that the puking from stress has stopped and my guts are gradually getting better. I am learning that i like living on my own again. I don't have to worry about anyone else and I can do things around the apartment without having to ok it by someone.

I found this article in the Toronto Sun, December 18, 2009. It is written by Mindelle Jacobs. (Just some FYI information about Pot and Grow Ops)

SHEDDING SOME LIGHT ON OUR POT LAWS

The Conservative government and the Liberal-dominated Senate may find this a buzz kill but a drug expert says neither of their approaches to prosecuting pot producers makes sense.

Earlier this year, MPs passed a drug bill that included a mandatory minimum sentence of 6 months in jail for growing as few as five pot plants. Drug reform advocates slammed the legislation as draconian. Then the Senate began pruning the bill and just passed an amended version.

The re-written bill would spare pot growers an automatic jail term unless they're caught cultivating more than 200 plants. The Senate has now punted the legislation back to the House of Commons where it could be gutted and redrafted.

Meanwhile, pot producers will merrily continue running their grow-ops and raking in astronomical amounts of tax free money, people will continue smoking pot and getting cravings for the munchies and Canadians will continue wondering if all politicians are spaced out.

(In other words, are pot grow-ops a national priority compared to, say, joblessness, a floundering economy, a teetering healthcare system or how we're going to afford to repair our crumbling infrastructure?)

But if our politicians insist on focusing on pot grow-ops our laws should at least reflect the reality of marijuana cultivation.

That is, legislation should be based on the number of lights, not plants, says Darryl Plecas, director of the Centre for Criminal Justice Research at the University of the Fraser Valley.

One 1000 watt bulb will produce a pound of dried bud no matter how many plants you have, he explains. If one grower has one plant under one light, he'll produce one pound of pot. If he's got 16 plants under on light (the typical scenario), he'll still only end up with one pound of bud. The 16 plants won't grow as high.

LEGISLATION

Growers will simply adjust their cultivation patterns to reflect what's in the legislation, says Plecas. "The Senate could not have gone further to perpetuate the number and problem of grow operations."

Over the next couple of years, growers will just shift the way they operate- fewer plants but more lights, he explains. "Why would somebody need 200 plants?"

And more lights will mean more theft of electricity and an increasing likelihood of fires, says Plecas.

B.C. Criminology student and medical marijuana patient Brian Carlisle, who has helped Plecas with his research, began experimenting with plants and light several years ago.

He says he was shocked to find out that it didn't matter how many plants he grew. One bulb over six plants, for instance, produced the same amount of pot as one plant under one bulb. The number of lights, therefore, is the most accurate way to determine the production level of an indoor grow-op, says Carlisle.

"I think (politicians) are being fed incorrect information," he says.

Plecas says the legislation should have ignored the number of plants and set jail terms for more then 5 lights.

"Once you get beyond five lights... it's clearly more then can be consumed for personal use."

How times have changed. Remember when a Senate committee recommended that pot be legalized?

Day 3 = Complete and Successful

Yesterday was day 3 clean. I was baking my Mexican Wedding Cakes for my bake list and I was really productive and positive. Mum decided to take me out for dinner because i had been baking during the day and she wanted to treat me! It was really nice and it was almost like old times when mum and i hung out. We talked about everything under the sun and had an enjoyable meal. I tried cammomile tea which was interesting and had a flavour that I couldn't peg down for the life of me. Still no comparison to the peppermint tea that i have been drinking everyday but it was a nice change.

As the days go by, it is easier and easier to be clean and avoid the poppers and weed. Today will be my fourth day clean and as you can tell from my previous post it has been a tough day but i refuse to give into my addiction. I don't want to start over again and i need to let my body heal.

I got the results back from my chest xray and blood work and i am glad to say that i do NOT have pneumonia. I was worried that they would find cancer in my lungs from all the bad recreational habits i have been doing but I am a very lucky duck. Each day i am clean my parents are more proud of me and they are starting to trust me again. I feel bad for the stress and hectic-ness that i have caused in their lives but as they see me changing they realize how hard i am trying and making an effort. I hated and still hate the person the drugs turned me into. I feel like i have lost so much but then there is the journey of getting it all back and realizing what certain things and people actually mean in my life.

Day 4 is almost over and it has been a success too! Keep up the good work SARAH !

He's Gone

I write this with the feeling of failure. My roommate just left and took all his stuff with him. I had to ask him to leave because i didn't like the way he was treating me. When he came and picked his stuff up he acted like nothing was wrong that i was the one with all the problems and that i had caused stress in his life. There weren't many rules for living here but he seemed to think they were intolerable cruelty and made quite a few snide remarks about it. I really tried to help him out, let him live at my house and try and get his life straightened around but there was no success. I don't know why i find this so upsetting but many people have told me there is no need for me to be this upset. Many think that him living with me was a giant mistake. And to a certain degree it was. I had access to things that i shouldn't have. It caused me to be sick and get more addicted to pot then i ever imagined.

How can i feel like i failed? Well he came here to try and sort his life out but instead things just got worse and more out of control. He is on his own wave length and doesn't think anything for anyone but himself. Turning the problem around to make me the issue was his way of dealing with things. People could see how hurtful and awful he was treating me but i was blinded by the light for sure. I was the one to always say, Oh come on, he's not that bad give him a chance, when others could clearly see through his facade. I guess that says morew about how gullible i am then anything. I tried to help out of the goodness of my heart and it did nothing but hurt me and make me sick.

I have to keep telling myself that it is for the best. In reality it is for the best, and deep down I know that. It just really hurts right now. After all I went through for him to live at my house and then for him to treat me like garbage just makes me really sad. I was one of the few that kept constant faith in him and rooted for him when no one else would. I guess the lesson to be learned from this situation is that I have to learn to wait to trust people before i jump in with both feet. There was a reason why his mum kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I took him in because i didn't want to see him homeless or stuck. In reality though, he made it quite clear to me that finding a place to live is easy. It's just a place to live. He forgets though that some houses have rules, even if there aren't many and rules need to be followed.

I have to remind myself that him living here when i am trying to go clean and straight is not feasible when he still wants to be doing drugs and so on. I have to focus on myself and get my life back together. I am worth something and I need to raise my bar so that I don't just accept anything anymore. I need to bring in the rationality factor and think twice before doing things.

Buck up dear Sarah! You can get through this... at least that's what i keep telling myself.

DAY 2 = Clean and Sober! Working on Today, which is Day 3!

I have some great news for those of you following the popper chronicles:

1. I was clean yesterday, so that is day 2 completed and i am working on being clean today so today will be day 3 with some success.

2. I googled The Popper Chronicles and my blog came up as the fourth choice on google. That means that my message is getting out there someway somehow. Very exciting.

THE TEST

Yesterday my roommate had a very stressful day. He is supposed to be going straight with me as well but i don't think he has the drive quite yet. He still wants to be able to party and do whatever is infront of him. Whether it be weed or other drugs that could interfere with his medications. Anyway, i picked him up after a meeting that i had and he said he had already done 2 poppers. He then said to me that he had enough for some more poppers and he proceeded to ask me if i was interested in doing some poppers with him. I thought about it for a minute, which went by like a flash i'm not going to lie. I thought to myself I have just started being clean and why would i want to set myself back to where i was, or have to start over again. So with all the strength and courage and positivity inside me, I said no thanks i'm on day 2 and I don't want to start again. I was very proud of myself for turning it down. It could have been so easy to say yes I will take those poppers with you but i know i made the right decision. I have been sick for about 2 months now which is ridiculous i know, but because i didn't care about my health or what the poppers were doing to me, it made me worse. Last night was the first night that I slept a full night and this morning i feel great. I had no hack attacks (coughing fits) and was able to get 11 hours of decent sleep. That's encouragement for me right there to keep winning the battle against my addiction. I am doing my best to not replace the poppers or the crave with smoking either. I find that i like the illusion of having a fake cigarette in my hand (which usually ends up being my tube of SoftLips, lip balm). A doctor once told me that people that smoke actually do deep breathing (a calm down technique) when they are having a smoke. So if you can get rid of the ciggy you are practicing a good technique that will help you in the long run. So i practice it with my lip chap as silly as it sounds. After i have a few fake hauls, i feel relaxed and totally different. It is common when quitting an addiction to replace the one you are quitting with something else, but if i can keep it up i am doing my body a huge service. I am saving my lungs, making my guts feel better, and in total it all adds up to me feeling better. What's wrong with that? Absolutely nothing and therefore i am going to keep the battle going and i plan and will WIN! How's that for positivity?

Day 1 = Completed, + My Story

So i did it. Yesterday was my first day without any pot. There was some stress to the day when my truck decided to lose it's steering, i was lucky enough to not be dead! If i had lost control of my vehicle on the highway or something it would definitely be a tragedy and there would be no more Life & Times of Sg.

Yeah so i have been clean one whole day, and yes it was hard yesterday i'm not going to lie. When everything was said and done i definitely could have used some 'bad' relief but i chose to sleep instead and get myself settled.

I also did some ground work for the popper chronicles. I found some people that might be interested in sharing their story about how poppers changed their life and they don't want to be addicted to weed at anymore. You may find the stories similar and maybe even repetitive but the point is to compare and show that most of us addicted to poppers are going through the same stuff, have meds that they interact with, and most of all want change.

With that said, i plan to inform those that don't know about poppers and what they can do to your life. How they will make you change, which happens to majority of us. I also want to be able to inform people that see themselves starting to get addicted to poppers so that they could see the outcome before they lose everything.

MY STORY

It wasn't until he said that reason he was asking how many poppers i did in a day and that he said he noticed a major change. I couldn't see what was happening because i was in my little drug fiend world and i was looking for my next high. There's a problem right there. I started to want to get high and then just stay in the apartment. Things that i was doing, I didn't want to do them anymore i would rather just stay at home and get high. I didn't want to see people unless they were getting high with me. Didn't want to leave the apartment for even the slightest of chores. I had no fuse, i was angry all the time, depressed and just felt like a bag of shit. People noticed a major change in especially my parents. We were constantly not getting along, i was lying to them. It was such a tangled web. Things still aren't perfect i'm not going to lie. I am edgy and upset sometimes when there really is no need to be. Yes i realize that i have only been clean for one day but it made me see things differently and feel differently. Constant pot usage can lead to many problems, including memory loss, confusion, there a bunch of bodily harm that it does, for example can lead to chronic bronchitis. I suffer from asthma and i didn't even care what was happening i just wanted to get high and escape all the problems that life was causing. I wanted to be numb because i didn't want to feel any emotions because i can't handle them. I completely stopped thinking about my mental and physical health and that's what was getting terribly damaged. I have been sick for at least 2 months now and i am just starting to get my voice back. My parents both noticed that i was much more clear and understandable and it's only been one day! Yes i am coughing up shit from my lungs but that's fine i don't mind, i would rather have it out then in.

Since i have completed one day, i feel that i can tackle today and be successful. I need to re-inforce my postivity so that i can do this, which each second i write this i feel i can achieve my goal even more. The power of the written word is incredible. So as usual, if you can take what you can from the popper chronicles and learn, and leave the rest that isn't important to you then please do. I encourage comments and suggestions!

Comments on Yesterday

So yesterday was interesting, i made my way through it though. I was able to get my hair done and feel like a totally different person. I think that small change will help with the other changes i am trying to make in my life.

There were lots of times that i was jones'in but i made it through. My roomy was very proud of me for making the first day a success. I still have no pot in the house so that's a good thing for me. I won't be tempted to try it when i get in a weak moment.

Last night was fun, the roomy and a friend and i went to a local pub and just had a few things to eat and just talked and laughed. It was really nice and it makes me feel better to know that i have the support from him while he's still here so that I can get through this.

Today might be a challenge but if i keep busy enough that won't be so bad. Just have to keep busy, whether it's writing, doing physical activity like cleaning one of the horses up or anything else but smoke pot then i can do it.

The positive train has made a stop at my station and it seems to be staying for a while so i will take this and use it as self-encouragement to stop! I'm working on day 2 today, lets hope i am successful, I will make the effort to be so that's the first part right there.

The Popper Chronicles> makes its debut!

First i will start off with this :
Hi, my name is Sarah, I am addicted to poppers. I want my life to change and go back to being a productive person instead of a lazy ass that doesn't want to do anything all day.

What is a popper you may ask:
Well a popper is a piece of tip from a cigarette with weed stomped on top of the popper stem. Then what you do is you stick the piece in the drop tube of your bong, light the end and get a poppin'. There is a head rush so becareful not to engage in any dangerous activity such as driving or tackling the CN tower stair case.

The problem:
-first of all we all know that i suffer from a variety of mental illnesses and i have health issues.
-i use the poppers to get away from life and just feel numb all the time
-i got addicted to them, always thinking of when my next 'sesh' was going to be
-with the mixture of tobacco and weed in a single bong hit creates a lifeless like feeling

The goal:
-to get off poppers and go back to living a productive life and wanting to do things
-better my health from getting off of poppers and back tracking on the damage they have done
-as of this moment in time and space i am going off poppers, my bongs have left the building and they are not coming back. I am going to replace popper time with cigarettes or some candies for my throat.
-i have a support system to help me get back on track and i am going to make use of it.

The Point of The Popper Chronicles:
-the popper chronicles is a venue i am going to use to inform people about this addictive way of using pot.
-i want people to give accounts on what they have gone through and how they came to their realization.
-by doing this i may help the masses who are addicted to poppers also.
-i am going to engage in abstinence from pot in the use of a popper and i am also going to blog that and tell people how i feel.

Today:
Today was the day that i noticed i needed to make a drastic change. Things with the roomy weren't going very well and since he is getting back seeing this girl he is in love with i got jealous and upset. I wrote about it constantly just trying to get it out of my head, sadly there was no reprieve from them. I was worried that i was going to lose my room mate, things would be different in a variety of ways and more importantly i was worried that i was going to lose a friend. Sure i have feelings for him but they should not have gotten past a certain point and with me being confused about my life i allowed them to. I've let family, friends, and myself down, but now is a chance to redeem myself because i can change and have the power to do. I am not going to lie but i am going to say that i am afraid to quit, because i'm not sure how i am going to manage or whatever. It makes me anxious to think what a day without poppers would be like but then my roomy pointed out that things are way better when there are no poppers during the day. You want to do more things and actually leave your house and do adventures. I am jones-in' right now but i will also say that i am going to curb the popper crave with a drag from a cigarette and then go do some christmas baking which i need to get a start on. I have so many chores that i have to get done and i've been putting them off each day as much as i can. I want the will to do things back again. I WANT TO GET BETTER.

*there will be more coming from The Popper Chronicles, no worries, this is a serious thing that people need to be informed about.*

so i have an issue with this......

what's it really about? i mean what does he want?

it appears he wants the bitchy barbie doll that barfs up her lunch. he wants the instability and frustration that was strong once before.

i shouldn't have done what i did. As much as i enjoyed it, it really was just the wrong thing to do. I care too much and it's killing me.

maybe he wants to go back to the way things were, where he didn't know me and i was nothing to him. maybe that's what i want. but then on the other hand i want him still around but i know that being with her will change him once again and that my snow globe of a world will be shattered once again. i wanted to see him happy, and i thought that he is happy with me. not so though.

i feel used right now. sad. depressed. awful. and a bunch of other things.

FUCK MY LIFE!

Paging all readers - Winter has arrived.... Today!

So i write to you today as i watch the snow piling up outside. Mother nature was kind enough to give us a dumping of snow when it wasn't needed. It's cold outside and the weather is chilly. A damp cold that soaks into your bones and makes you cold for hours. Everyone was worried about the weather but i don't think that the town really prepared for it. Roads are covered with white powder and possibly some ice. Cars hardly want to turn over if they have been left outside in the cold for the night. The wind has a slight howl to it, as if it is trying to communicate with some ungodly force. The plastic put up on my balcony crumples every so often, a constant reminder or a good morning hello. The windows have snowflakes on them and are slightly frosted. Lucky for me i have a heating pad on my bed (thanks Mum!) so i don't have to go to sleep cold and lay in a cold bed. When my fingers stop the rhythmic beat of typing there is a sort of deafening silence. It's not eerie. It's almost comforting. Doors trying to hold themselves shut can do only one thing, which is quietly bang while they try to keep the wind and cold out from their home owners. The trees have a beautiful type of silohette(?) to them. They are covered in white but you can see the grey outline of the branches and the bulk of the tree. As i peer out my window for a glance at the winter wonderland that has been created within the last twelve hours, i watch as snow tries to stay on a roof but ends up being blown off creating a mystical and fantasy-like effect.

My roomy lays in his bed curled up with a favourite pillow that has been helping him sleep better. His head peacefully lying on the pillow, while his body is wrapped tightly in the duvet. Abby rests at his feet because she is obsessed with him. Zoe is nestled into her blanket on the deck of her condo apartment. It's like she is in the tropics, and she is enjoying the heat and loving the sun. None of that is provided though at my house, only i get to vacay to the tropics and see my best friend in the whole wide world. I get to escape for a short period of time and live on paradise island, or that's what it should be called. The only light in the apartment is what is coming from the windows, and of course my computer screen! At the end of the hall a door is slightly perched open, I wonder what lies behind it.... what do you think?

uh...... about that......

well, i am not running on very much sleep today. somehow when i was trying to make myself stay up later i forgot to take my night time pills, therefore, no sleep.

i am in a situation where i don't want to be. The stress from having my 'roomy' is causing me to be sick. i am already sick and cannot get better because of the stress causing me problems. leaving the house is a challenge lately because i feel that terrible. i would mostly like to relax, have a massage and go to sleep. maybe i can sleep away my troubles! anyway, so since my roomy is a good cause of me being sick mum wants this person out now. The faster they are out the sooner i can start getting better.

how do you tell a person to leave? you can't just be like, "So the weather is grey today but you know you need your stuff out in the next 2 hours....."
if i am going to do this i need courage...
why am i having such reasonable doubts about doing so, this is not good either...

what would you do, in this situation?

He's A Pain in the ass.... I'm looking for this.......

here it is...... the truth............
i need help, i am starting to not like living with someone

i go to bed fairly early as of late, but sometimes if i do it the dishes are done and clean. Everything is drying on the rack and sparkling. I usually like to make sure my kitchen is like that on the most, before i go to bed. Sure, there are times when i can't be bothered the dishes. Yesterday morning though, I did the dishes and the kitchen looked amazing. Then, he came home and made lunch and there hasn't been a dish done since. Now, it is the next day and my kitchen is disgusting, i just might put on the mits and clean the dishes. Can't stand it sometimes.

the next issue which i don't like is simple. Ask before you bring anyone over? And please don't bring people over that i have told you repeatedly not to. Well last night was a topper, he brought over someone that is not to be here and then let them stay over! hello, paging mr rude boy. Yeah we may have fucked but you don't get to start being like my boyfriend and inviting people over just because they are your friends. You live on my turf and there are certain things that i like to keep the way they are. He has not said that sexual repayment is on the table so yes there are still some things he has to obey, or he can ..............leave?

Since when did the younger generations get so rude. They don't care about anything they do to anyone. They expect everything on a silver platter. Moody just 'cause. The people that are my age are very rarely like that. We are pretty much a generation of hard workers, who believe chivalry is not dead, oh yeah we have kids before 3o, sometimes more then one. I haven't quite yet completed the last point but i am 26... that's 4 more years but i also have a burning desire to not have kids in my 20's at all.


LIFE & TIMES OF S.G.
AD SECTION

WANTED:
-a guy that can fulfill a extremely sexual woman
-a guy who can cook, for when i don't want to
-a guy who loves me for me, flaws and all
-a guy who likes cats, b/c i have 2
-a guy who is calm, but likes to randomly have an outburst of laughter
-a guy who is mature, age is not an issue, it's maturity level
-a guy who likes to cuddle when watching a movie
-a guy who likes to randomly go out for dinner at interesting places
-a guy who can be emotional when necessary but not over the top, so i don't want any emotional baggage added to my life, already have a set of my own
-a guy who gives the type of hug that makes me melt like a popsicle on a hot day
-a guy who advances on a girl at random times, i don't want to have to be doing all the work by myself
*there are other statements that follow but i am not going to write them because if you fit all the first statements then we might have a good chance! so you move onto the next round!

a bland variation of everything and a small dash of rant

Today, gee, lets talk about today.

I have done some cleaning up, dishes, etc. Had some lunch and took my bronchitis medication.

Yesterday I had a doctor appointment with my family dr. I had created a list that I wanted to talk to her about. There were 6 issues on the list. When she came in she made a fuss about my lack of a voice and then checked my chest and came to the conclusion that i have bronchitis. I wanted to talk to her about how stress is affecting my body, acid reflux problems and renew a puffer. She renewed the puffer and automatically prescribed stronger medication for my acid reflux. Also, she made a point about me making another appointment to come back to check my chest to see if i need a chest x-ray. Then as soon as i think about getting a chest x-ray i think i am going to end up getting told i have lung cancer because i smoke a lot. That isn't running through my mind all the time but a good portion it is.

I was really disappointed how my doctor was late for my appointment and then could hardly spend 2 mins with me. I told the receptionist when i was booking my appointment that i had issues that i wanted to talk to my doctor about and that there was a variety not just one thing. Yes, that's fine. Then at my appointment, I am made to feel like a inconvenience. Gee that's appropriate.....NOT!

I was talking to my mum about this incident and the fact that i was really disappointed with my doctor and her performance. Mum informed me that's all appointments are like now. The doctor doesn't want to take the time and talk to you they want you in and out asap so they get whatever pay-grade for your appointment even though it's only 2 mins and is supposed to be 10-15. I get it they are trying to scam the government to get as any appointments in the day as possible, because there is a fee for each one and depending on what happens they can charge you differently.

Government provided healthcare is supposed to be a perk here in the country of Canada. When doctors do what they can to beat the system and are still getting drug endorsement bonuses, is that really what it should be about. Doctors need to improve their bedside manor and compassion issues with their clients. My doctor has been very good until this appointment in which i am referring to. I just thought she was different then the average bad doctor you hear about. I will have to report back next week so that I can tell you whether or not it's the same bad behaviour or she gets a one time freebie. Healthcare has really got a ton of improvements to make, too bad no one really bitches about it enough to get any response.\

Next topic.... I am in love with marilyn monroe and her beauty. What i would do to meet her if she was still alive. She was a true beauty, not just one of those twiggy, skinny type girls that are so popular now. Her sassiness is what really does it for me. Her looks and expressions are price-less, some that are known as historical even.

So i was prescribed some horse pills for my bronchitis, which i assure you is not contagious. I was told to take it with food, so it was suggested that i take it with dinner since it is the biggest meal of the day. Lately though, i haven't been hungry a lot. I just don't have the desire to eat. Sometimes i get cravings for things but it's not like i will eat a huge amount and feel sick. I just don't have a desire or will to eat which i have to say i find a little bit creepy because I love food and i love a variety of foods. Tastes and flavours, shapes and colours. It's all an experience every time you eat. I miss my want for food but this may help me with losing weight because i might eat 4 small meals rather then 2-3 big meals. That's what the diet books say is more frequent and smaller meals are better for you. Since i was sick, originally i lost 20 pounds, can't blame me i was puking and shitting it up and out so of course i wasn't going to gain any weight. I have weighed myself a few times and i am still around the original weight when i lost the 20 lbs though so that's good. Just have to keep it here or lower would still be nice. I need to exercise and tone more though. Hopefully i am not one of those unlucky people who have extra skin or saggy skin. I do have some extra baggage on my body that i would like to get rid of though. I will keep trying as best i can. I am surprised that i have done so well, so maybe there are bonuses to being and getting sick........... Still doesn't feel very nice though!

At one point i was getting jealous of my roommate for talking to another girl but i am not today. I just don't care today. I might tomorrow, who knows. Yes i did stuff with my room mate. It was interesting and something that i would consider a good thing but he may not. I don't have the dream body and all that but i am a nice person and i have other skills, wink wink, spank spank! I am proud that i have some skills those are a little asset! Too bad i don't have a man servant that could fulfill all my needs and wants. Sounds like a paradise! A nice, crisp, warm paradise. Damn, my brain is going to a totally different place now. Maybe i should go chill out in the bedroom, maybe have a nap or something although i don't think that is something that is going to happen. I have no idea why?

so...

So I am up and awake at 721 am.

I have done my morning pop so i feel fab right now.

My roommate lays in his bed fast asleep. I sit at my comp typing quitely away. He's rolling over it may be too early to be making a post. Oh well, this is my house, I can do whatever i please....right?

It has rained all last night and this morning.... boo! Another boo thing is i have to visit my dr today to see about a few things. I am still voiceless which is a concern for a few people. Honestly though it makes learning sign language seem more practical everyday! Have to start looking into that, i may have a connection that i might be able to use.

I got some christmas ideas started and going. Just have to put a few more into motion. Christmas won't be so bad this year. Just wait til my Betty Crocker identity comes back! Yum yums for every one.

december 1st .........arghhhh

Ask me how i feel today?

Well, a good mixture of anger, confusion, blah, meh, and then there's my brain running thoughts constantly through my head.

I have a 'room mate' now. He's a sort of 'friend' and I couldn't see him go out with nowhere to go. Some, well most, think that i am being taken advantage of. I might be, I might not be. I don't really know what to say. One thing that happened 2 days a go is i had sex with him. I was impressed to a certain extent. Some things he needs to brush up on or 'learn'. It was kinda like porn sex what we had, there were a few change positions. I will admit that it was pretty hot though. It was random, it was a good demonstration of sexuality. We have been living in my apartment for 2 weeks and we had both thought about it and then we just decided that it was something we should try. I'm not going to go into anymore detail because some people might get offended and i would just rather not.

My mum went and had a talk with her therapist yesterday. She had a lot to talk about. Understandly, she finds my situation not good and she's just watching out for me like any good parent would do. She's concerned, she cares, she has gotten a negative read on the person staying with me and sometimes i really believe she is right. It's taken her a while to get to read people and the odd one will slip by the odd time but she's a good spotter in my life!

Things with my dad are weird. I don't want to say anything that will upset him or trigger him to have a tantrum but there's not really much to talk about. I am being honest with both my parents though and i feel a bit better. I'm not hiding or skirting around something if they ask i just tell them the truth. They are allowed to have their feelings just like any other person would have, but they have to realize that i am telling them the truth. Sometimes the truth is not pretty but it's the truth, things are just what they are. I don't know how to resolve the situation or tackle it. In a way i want it to be dealt with but i don't want to go through the upset it will cause .

I sit here at my laptop station writing to you while he plays the newest call of duty game. I chipped half the money because “i would like it and be able to play it”, haven't done that once and don't really care to play it. It's not my style. So as i writed this to you my brain is saying, man he's got it easy. Play games all day, eat, and whatever else. He doesn't pay for anything because he has no job, and i understand what that's like but there are some links he has to a possible job and he's just not following it. I wish i could get a job right now but several people say that i am too stressed and not physically and mentally able for a job. I would like to do something.............really..............please? The bonus of having some income and money of my own would also be a bonus. Then I wouldn't have to be so reliant on the mom and pop shop for monetary contributions.

Today is a hazy brain day. Things are running too fast and i am just stuck on the medium setting for the day. I need to start letting some things come out. I need to write more again. I need to vent to an audience, whether you comment or not, i know i have some followers. I appreciate all that you have done to stick with me through this long time of on and off posts. I know what it's like when you are following something and all you get is the same shit that you have already read 400 times. I need to get my act together, you are a silent audience, but i can still vent my stuff to you and feel better.

Like now, for example, i feel a little less stressed for the next 2 mins! And i'm going out for a smoke so that's another 2 mins!

It's Called "I Just Don't Feel Well"....

Sitting here at the computer desk, while i sip my neo citran and wait for my night time medication to kick in, I thought I should write a blog post to my readers.

Yeah so there's swine flu out there, needles for it and antibiotics. There's germs out there, a variety of viruses, and some copycat illnesses.

I have a cold and it's tough because i also have asthma.

What are my thoughts on the swine flu?..... Well I think that the clinics are gross but are necessary. I am paranoid to get it, I'm not going to lie. A person i know has it and is confined to their bedroom and they have been feeling like hell. Another person i know thought she had it but it was a copycat of the swine flu but wasn't the swine flu. So there's 2 sides to the coin. Just depends which side lands up for you after you flip it.

Knowing that everything is airborne and that illnesses are running rampant in the population, maybe now would be a perfect time to turn into a hermit. There are bonuses, just think about it. The down side is no one comes over and i become a hermit minus the hunched back.

My symptoms:
-I just don't feel well (Stuffy sinuses, headaches and pressure, muscle sore, sore throat and it's yucky, barfing, shitting, all the regular symptoms of getting sick for me!)

I was a lucky kid, I got to be the one with a life threatening blood disorder. I was always sick. Missed tons of school. Had terrible anxiety that had all the symptoms of being sick.

So basically my point with this post is that sick can relate to many things but it doesn't always mean the worst. I am going to keep putting in my worry box that i am afraid to get sick and that's all the time i will allow it.

Time to finish my neo citran..........

A Shout Out from the B-day Bitch!

Hey there Blogger Fans!

Just wanted to say a few things since it is my bday today and I am allowed at least 15 minutes of fame!

I am 26, that means i have lived a quarter of a century! I like saying that sounds good to me for some reason. I am single and looking for that Prince Charming still! (Hey, why not make this a humourous dating ad too!) I have a lot of good qualities. Smart, sassy, sexy, any other good words starting with S.

I have watched all 5 seasons of the Office, the American Version and I have to say that i might want to aspire to be a receptionist at a paper company. The character of Pam actually. Maybe that's where I'll meet my modern day romeo "Jim" and then get engaged.... oh man so funny you should really watch the office, Steve Carell is off the charts and out of control and it's hilarious.

Plans for the day:
-get a cake
-watch some good movies that i haven't seen
-have dinner with mum at Scrambles, one of my fav local restaurants
-might go to the mall, not sure though
-have a good day
-ENJOY MY DAY!

I found the real Dwight!

Dwight Schrute from the office, below is a picture of Dwight and his favourite bobblehead, which was a gift from Angela in accounting.

So i was searching on plenty of fish to see if there was any guys i might like to send a good morning message. Well then i came across this fellow. Now i don't know if i told you this but i am watching the office season 4 right now (with steve carell). There's this character named Dwight Schrute. He runs a beet farm that is a vacay b&b. He has nunchucks in his desk drawer(?), pepper spray underneath the desktop. He's outrageous and hilarious. Oh yeah and he mercy killed Angela's cat Sprinkles!

My cats are having a scrap on the floor. There's hissing, hitting, and whatever else they do.

My luck is going to be great today! Maybe i will find a lost light sabre from a Jedi store.

Betty Crocker wants a VACAY!

My code name is Betty Crocker.
I make treats that are tasty and sweet.
Oatmeal cookies, butter tart squares, nanaimo bars.
I like baking in MY small kitchen.
I don't like cleaning up the mess. The fact that i do it is good.
I have been bad, not doing my Wii and exercising but i am just so muscle sore and stuffed up. Whatever, I have had some stress and ups and downs this week and the end of last week so maybe my body is saying i need to rest. Sometimes i play Wii and it's good but i have been avoiding it. I don't know whether i will keep it because my usage of it my go down. I really need to concentrate to make use of it though. It's exercise at home and can be fun when you have guests. I miss the sun. I need to get away for a vacation.

My best friend had her birthday yesterday. Happy 27th you buxom babe, you know who you are.

When I think of my flee plan i want to go to Europe for a little bit. Everything i have noticed in the last week has been about Europe or related to that area. Every time i hear i just keep thinking that it's something telling me to go. Thinking of it puts a smile on my face. I would go on my own but it would have been awesome if me and the BFF could go on a vacation adventure. Sounds like a lot of fun.

Off to make my middle layer for the nanaimo bars!

From the other woman.......

I text him, a message he can't resist. He tries to but he can't. I always get what I want, not usually but certain people I do. He walks down my hall with that swagger that is irresistable about him. He's confident and cool. He comes inside the doorway and gives me my hello kiss and hug. So perfectly that i don't notice it. He comes in the living room and says, " Don't think this is something huge or anything but i got you a little gift." I smile and give him doe eyes. He hands me the sweets wrapped in plastic. "Aw you got me suckers that's sweet of you. Thanks so much." "I just wanted you to have them because i think you're really cool ..."

Yeah he has a girl but she isn't me. That's all i'm going to say about it. I like him faults and all and he makes me feel good. I can't pass it up....

I need to get out of here, and find fashion

My best friend is going to Paris and will be having birthday dinner at the Effiel Tower with some good friends. I am so happy for her, but i'm not going to lie I would love to do that or be there. This has gotten me to thinking about things. I want to pick up and leave for a while, get away from Uxbridge, Durham Region and all the problems that go with them. I would like to Europe and travel. Make my own plans. Learn and visit all the classic and poignant times in history. Not just know what it looks like from a photograph in a textbook or travel guide. I want to be able to touch the soft green ivy climbing up the walls of the building. See what a real castle is like. Go to a black tie dinner in a European restaurant, to head after to a party of socialites. I want to smell the markets and the fresh bread mixed with herbs and various meats. I want to see London and see what it is really like there. I would visit where my mum was born, the Isle of Whyte and experience the sight of the Needles. See fashion in some of it's most historical and increasing times. Have a cappucino on a French patio with a friend while we have a fountain and children playing in the foreground.

I have also pondered the idea of getting into fashion school. I'm not sure what I want to do. I don't want to create any fashion lines or clothing but i want to assemble wardrobes. I want to be apart of styling and organization. Or even advertising for fashion or creating outfits for models to wear from a selected brand of clothing for a photo shoot. I love clothing, patterns and style. Just an idea, could very well be a pipe dream

Fuck you. Fuck you. and Fuck YOU!

Can a leopard change it's spots?

NO!
People who say they are going to do stuff and then don't follow through, you are an enemy of mine. I have just had 3 people in a row cancel on me. You think you're batting 1000 well i have you beat. 2 were for a concert that is tomorrow which i don't think going by myself is an option...thanks people leave it to the last minute. Then the 3rd, a special of some kind that i am getting used to, bailing on a booty call.

I get myself involved in various fashions with these people. And then they turn out to be taste-less and fashion-less. Honesty is always the best policy but geez if i keep saying what's going on is this working? Fucking say NO and then i can deal with it how i choose and move on.

Promises are just words and talk is cheap. Very cheap, less then that 99 cent bic blue pen you have with the fine blue ink tip.

Just when i think i find a good person, then turn to bad. So, am i cursed because they fool me? am i wrong to think they are good to begin with? am i in the wrong position when i defend them and it really comes to be they are an 'ass'? I think that i am in the wrong zip code and need re-location to Honesty Honor.

Then, the next question that you are pondering might be, how does she find these people? Well some live down the hall (they really fucked me), others live a few blocks away (they fucked me in a "be my friend i'm yours" kind of way), some live in near towns (they don't fuck me they fuck with my brain). And i could go on and on, let the scroll keep rolling idea, but you get my point.

I feel wronged, robbed, anxious, relaxed, angry, and NUMB.

Wow what a great start for the night and it's only 5:03pm. Lucky me, another night contemplating what the hell i am doing with my life and yes, i feel bad about it.

I try to convey why i am hiding behind curtains and saying this.....

I've been hiding. I did some writing exercises last week but none of them landed on here because I have privacy issues. Hidden by a menagarie of sweat pants, and sweaters. I have been doing almost nil. Baked a few things in the last 2 weeks. Became obsessed with the Office Season 1 and soon to be watched 2, and Gossip Girl Season 1, which is in progress.

A few guys have been through my life. One to whom I am the other girl but he always seems to bail on me. So that gets me to thinking am i really the other girl?I just told him to give me a call when he has time to arrange things. I really need to think more of myself and just stop this thing with him. As much as i like his company and stuff is it really worth me thinking so little of myself and just letting him do as he pleases. One had a distance issue which was fine. One hung out a few nights and then just disappeared off the face of the earth, or so that's what i am saying One took me on a date and we nattered like and old couple. One i just terminated and then he has the gall to say "He's the best i will ever have and there's not many like him out there". Thankfully my ego/pride whatever didn't take a hit. That was my opinion for him since he was only 21.My self esteem needs a boxing match with the good confidence fairy because I am fucked.

Certain bad habits have made reappearances and come for a visit. One i was able to cut out or really make non existent. The other haunts me everyday. I have to be honest, it's not haunting, it's relaxing, or sometimes productive. A dirty secret that only I really know about.

I have been and am struggling. Little devils on my shoulder encourage me to do the WRONG thing. Not thinking more of myself. Making too many indulgences on things when i shouldn't.

I need to get a job, get routine and a normal life.

Roger Varley asks AM I WRONG?.....Hell Yes!

There was an article in the local paper by a columnist that got to me yesterday and today i am writing about it. Not only did he label all young people in the town of Uxbridge yahoos and hooligans but he was offensive to the police, (yeah i know i just wrote that). If he is allowed to hold such a public forum where he can say whatever he wants shouldn't he be a little bit tactful in how he chooses to phrase things. He mentioned two incidents which he stated the people of the stores did not want to be named for fear of reprisal but then he goes into such detail, if the kids that caused the problems read this they might send a back lash.... gee thanks fellow columnist! School has just gotten back in, the kids are getting back into routine after summer and all this guy can do is complain about noise and people blocking entrances to doorways. I'm not defending the local youth by any means, sure they can be trouble, any kids can be trouble, hell i can still be trouble if i want to! Does it mean that we paint people with the same brush and a bright colour to warn us of their presence....NO! This columnist makes a huge issue about noise complaints he has made at 10:30.... I live in an apartment building and the noise curfew is in act but at 11:30, so I wonder if the streets possess the same policy. Being worried about a bunch of 12 and 13 year olds on their bikes, skateboards and scooters sounds a little ridiculous if you ask me. Then mentioning how there is litter all over the place, well i'm sorry dear columnist but the litter isn't just from those 'hooligans' as he so kindly put it, it's from lazy people in general that don't want to make use of the garbage bins. I know people of all ages guilty of that crime, so it's really unfair to say that the young people are littering the area. Not only has this columnist's opinions and one-sided comments opened up people that he was referring to in his article "namelessly" for trouble but he has also broadened the spectrum to include himself. When are people going to stop being age-discriminate and stop labeling people of a particular catergory. We are all people that deserve a modicum of respect and a chance to be ourselves. Since when did such 'freedoms' get taken away by those who are older then us.

Advice from your friendly sickie!

So i am going to lay it on the line.

When you have a guest and your guts are biodegrading it's quite embarrassing. When you have no guest it's not pleasant either. I have been a silly duck though. Lactose intolerant but still craving and chowing down on ice cream is not the way.....who says so..... my guts because they are telling me they hate me right now. That among other things that have added some stress to me doesn't help either.

My solution:
-gobble imodium like it's the new chiclet, can't just have one!
-have a handy stash of ginger ale
-liquid diet and stick to it! (it sucks but whatever, if you can't process stuff give your guts a break)
-realize that you are treating yourself like crap and CHANGE (it's for your benefit)
-get rest
-if you have a fever, sweat it out that's the best solution
-if you feel like you are suffering from uber cold a warm bath and some soothing music helps
-SLEEP, very key, your body is rebelling so let it ball up and chill out for a bit
-AND MOST IMPORTANT, get the G/D drama out of your life!

Fuck those damn lemons!

Do you ever wonder why people say "when life hands you lemons make lemonade?"

I sure do. First I think, well why is life handing you lemons! Second, who wants lemons anyway can't it be something different like a bag of garbage (so you can dispose of it), a crap in the toilet (you can flush that away and then febreeze if it's that bad), or dirty laundry (wash the crap out so that it smells sparkling fresh). All my ideas get rid of the problem, they don't use the problem to make something tasty per say out of it. Third, Lemonade...geez i want a non-alcoholic margarita, peach and mango slushy, or daquiri.....Fuck the stupid lemonade.

So if you get my drift from above you can tell that i have been handed some lemons if you will. Hell, i got cartons and cartons of lemons, it wasn't enough to make some lemonade it's an abundance so large that i can have my own lemon stand at the local flea market. Life isn't as peachy keen as it was and my ego and pride are taking a major blow. I feel that ice cream is my salvation but in the last 2 days i have felt like crap just from one bowl, thanks lactose intolerance! So, even though i want to have some comfort it just makes me feel rotten, great solution eh! I am trying to avoid dairy like the plague because apparently i can't handle it right now but let me send this message out to all MOOSETRACKS containers out there "I love you and want to eat you!"

I was lucky enough to visit a very dear friend of mine yesterday and talk about everything. His best quality, among many, he's a great listener. He tells me how it is and gives me hugs which is what i need in this torturous state. He makes me smile and then we get talking about something else, like golf! I am going to see him again today because as Paul Child said, "He's the butter to my bread!" yes i know i am leaving out the breath to my life part but he's a dear friend and he knows when Sarah is feeling shitty just what to say.

So my quest is to eat carbs instead of ice cream. When you are depressed you crave carbs because they have extra serotonin in them, which is what you are lacking. So i have to eat carbs as much as i can before 3 pm and then just protein after that. Not a pig fest but depends how i feel. I will not be denying myself that tasty french fry unless i need to! And sleep, yes i am sleeping around 16 hours a day but apparently i need to. I can't push myself because i don't have the motivation but you know what, my bed is damn comfortable, maybe there's a secret way that serotonin is transmitted through my covers, hence i spend so much time there!

I will keep plugging away in hopes that things will get better. They should ..... shouldn't they? YES! that's a resounding answer. Wish me luck!

Chinese Zodiac... What animal are you?

For those of you curious about your chinese zodiac, I brought home a copy of a place mat with all the information on it that you would like to know. I am going to copy it for you here so that you can have some useless/useful information. (I'm a PIG by the way, what are you?)

CHINESE ZODIAC
According to traditional Chinese legend, ages ago Buddha summoned all of the animals and honored those who came by naming a year for them; each animal in turn gave its characteristics to people born in its year.

PIG
1911-1923-1935-1947-1959-1971-1983-1995-2007-2019-2031-2043-2055-2067
Gallant and chivalrous, you have great inner strength and make few but lasting friendships. Choose the hare, ram or horse, and avoid the serpent.

DOG
1910-1922-1934-1946-1958-1970-1982-1994-2006-2018-2030-2042-2054-2066
Loyal and honest, you are generous and work well with others though are sometimes critical. You are well-suited to the horse, the tiger, and the hare, and ill-suited to the dragon and ram.

ROOSTER
1909-1921-1933-1945-1957-1969-1981-1993-2005-2017-2029-2041-2053-2065
You are directed to work and seek knowledge, a pioneer whoe tends to be selfish and lonely. Choose the ox, serpent, and dragon, never the hare.

MONKEY
1908-1920-1932-1944-1956-1968-1980-1992-2004-2016-2028-2040-2052-2064
Clever and skillful to the point of genius, practical and given to detail, you generally have a low opinion of others. Your best relationships are with the dragon, rat, and ram and worst is with the tiger.

RAM
1907-1919-1931-1943-1955-1967-1979-1991-2003-2015-2027-2039-2051-2063
Elegant and artistically creative, yet timid or puzzled, you seek the guidance of others. Seek the hare, pig or horse, and avoid the ox and the dog.

HORSE
1906-1918-1930-1942-1954-1966-1978-1990-2002-2014-2026-2038-2050-2062
Extremely popular as you are attractive, cheerful, friendly, and flattering to others whose company you seek. Seek the tiger, dog and ram but beware the rat.

SERPENT
1905-1917-1929-1941-1953-1965-1977-1989-2001-2013-2025-2037-2049-2061
Very wise and very strong-willed, physically beautiful yet vain and high-tempered. The ox, rooster and dragon are fine, but the tiger and pig will bring trouble.

DRAGON
1904-1916-1928-1940-1952-1964-1976-1988-2000-2013-2024-2036-2048-2060
Passionate and soft-hearted, but somewhat stubborn, very healthy and energetic. You are well-suited to the rat, serpent, and monkey, but ill-suited to the dog.

HARE
1903-1915-1927-1939-1951-1963-1975-1987-1999-2012-2023-2035-2047-2059
Talented and affectionate, yet shy, you work well with people and do well with business. Most compatible with the ram, pig and dog , and least compatible with the rat and the rooster.

TIGER
1902-1914-1926-1938-1950-1962-1974-1986-1998-2011-2022-2034-2046-2058
Aggressive, courageous, sensitive and considerate, yet short tempered, often entering into conflict with others. For happiness seek the horse, dragon or dog and leave both serpent and monkey be.

OX
1901-1913-1925-1937-1949-1961-1973-1985-1997-2010-2021-2033-2045-2057
Bright and patient, you are a good listener but disdainful of failure. You are attracted to the serpent, rooster, and rat, and should avoid the ram.

RAT
1900-1912-1924-1936-1948-1960-1972-1984-1996-2009-2020-2032-2044-2056
Ambitious, honest, sincere, generous, and able to maintain self-control, but often find it difficult to maintain lasting friendships. Your best will be with the dragon, monkey and ox, and worst with the horse.

Ramblings of a Highly Allergic and Sneezing Sarah

This is a note that a friend passed on to me, and in turn i am passing it on to you:
How grateful would you say you are? Did you know that your gratitude level can directly affect your wealth and happiness? Now that may sound strange, especially in light of our current economy, but I've seen it time and time again in my work with clients. I have guided many clients whose charts I felt displayed a need for gratitude to bring about positive change in their lives. And I'm happy to say that those who took my advice to heart have reported a positive shift in their lives and a boost in the things they view as good, including increased wealth. Even financial experts and abundance speakers agree that gratitude is a vital component for increasing wealth and success. This basic premise of gratitude is to acquire a more positive and receptive state of being. Here is how it works. You begin by being grateful for the smaller and more immediate things like having a place to live, food to eat, and a car to get around, etc. By placing yourself in a positive frame of mind through gratitude, you open yourself to all the good things the universe has to offer. That is when you can actually begin to attract good things to you, and most of us could certainly benefit from this idea right now. As you become more comfortable with the positive things that basic gratitude brings, you will likely find yourself feeling grateful for even bigger things like being alive, learning hard lessons, your past mistakes, the freedom to make choices in life, and more. This type of gratitude catapults you even further along the path to a successful and happy life. That's because you begin to lose your fear of change or loss and you begin to develop a deep appreciation for the exciting adventure that life truly is. Once you reach the point where you remain in a constant state of gratitude, you will become a magnet that attracts the positive things to you . . . the things that resonate with who you are and what you desire to do with your life. So, if you are ready to enjoy more happiness and wealth, I challenge you to take some time every day this week to note those things that you are grateful for, from the smallest little gifts to the bigger ones. And may you attract the most wonderful and beneficial things into your life.

So i am on a dating site and i have to say that if i read the words "I am an open book" one more time i think i might just go bananas. Why are guys expecting women to do all the questioning, why can't they just be a little more open and post it on your profile. Another peeve is when guys use improper grammar, punctuation or spelling. This bothers me because it raises these few questions in my mind: Why does everything have to be LOL or like short form? Is this person illiterate because they can't spell worth a damn? What is the issue here? Yes you may be thinking wow sarah that's a little over the top but how many profiles do i have to see that are just malarky. I guess i am a bad critic because i am a writer and stuff like that gets to me.

My calves did awesome today. We were able to work with them instead of them running around like march hares. I was able to pet them all and get them used to human touch. Clinton and Stacy were not so fond of the petting but Gem got used to it and Taylor and Summer know what the deal is. I think that Taylor is going to be a champion calf. He's built like Mini B but he's getting lighter each day, more like Bigguh. All the calves will be good though because we will make sure that they are perfect just like the one year olds!

Yesterday i went golfing and had another stellar round. I shot 40 on a 36 par. Yes, i only played nine holes but that's alright i am doing really well. I am told that i shoot long for a lady which makes me feel well. I also broke out another club, my nine iron. So far so good with that club, just need to figure out where is the proper distance to use it and stuff.

My best friend Becs, is visiting from the Cayman Islands and I can't wait to see her. I am waiting for her to come over right now. It's been a long time since I've seen her and we have been missing each other on the phone. That's alright though i guarantee we will make up for lost time. Welcome home, and take some time to relax!

For My Best Friend

So, my best friend is coming home for a visit from the beautiful, paradise-ical Cayman Islands. She has lived there for a year on the Tuesday just past and she is climbing both the social and career ladders. I am very proud of her and i thought it would be nice to share a poem that i wrote today for her, with you. Hope you like it!

Your arrival is coming near,
Just wanted to say i love you dear.

Can't wait to spend some time with you,
Imagine all the crazy stuff we'll do.

Just like old times,
All fun and games like it's a crime.

It will be so nice to have you back,
And get our convo's back on track.

I'm sure your fam can hardly wait,
For the exciting Gubba arrival date.

The Gall clan is excited too,
All this hustle and bustle just for you.

It must make you feel great,
To learn that you make us get in this state.

Various forms and types of care,
Just for you, so beware!

Your time here is short so make it the best,
Relax and take a load off of your chest.

For you awaits the biggest hug,
From your friend the SG bug!

Sending you love everyday,
Glad to see you coming my way.

That's the story, time to end,
For you are my very very best friend!

The Evolution of Sarah

I was productive today. Washed my sheets and my heating pad, made brownies this morn, made dinner this eve, did dishes this morn, and painted my nails a funk-a-delic yellow while keeping the black artsy thumb on the left and ring finger on the right.

So I sit here staring at the wall on a Monday night.

I randomly text a person from my past and he says that he'll get back to me when it's dark and his chores are done.

Did some research on a new drug called MDMA, that a few people i know are dropping like it's hot. You know i'm crazy but i'm not crazy enough to do that shit. This is a rave drug that has the ingredients of herione and some other compounds in it. My question is this, why at the age of 19 do these people find it cool to take drugs such as MDMA, Special K, and snort crack. Do they not realize the harm they are applying to their bodies. The MDMA keeps them awake and fidgetting constantly. Having to keep moving they chew the inside of their mouths to the point of bleeding. All this for a rush, a high that is like no other. Sorry folks i have heard that before and i'm not buying it. The side effects is a list that is a rolling scroll and the effects of withdrawl sound nothing short of horrible.

Now when i was 19 i drank, 6.5 years sober now. That was my thing though and yes, i was depressed. Many a time i tried to drink my problems and issues away....was it right...at the time it felt so. Afterwards, not so much. Many people ask me are you sure you don't drink? Yes, i'm positive. Wouldn't let the stuff touch my lips ever again, i made that a personal vow and i intend to keep it. Really though, lets be honest...when i was drinking did i gain anything from it? Yeah I danced better and forgot about the trivial problems that life threw me but they still came back. They didn't go away indefinitely. Family issues were still present. Boyfriends were still there causing the drama and i was feeding off it. It was like my own personal drug.

Today is different though. I live my life drama free now. When i go on a date i make sure to state my point and case that i am drama free and that's the way it is. Guys nod and say yeah me too but it makes me wonder when they start making sarcastic comments and rittling me with nasty words. They expect me to react, that's what they are looking for...a reaction. Try as i might, i can't give into their feeble attempts to make themselves feel better. Sure my dad can push my buttons and send me off the deep end, he was quite successful this weekend but i am getting to a point where i am starting and wanting to say NO. I make sure that I have a good belly laugh everyday. My stomach may hurt after but it's worth it. I am in a better mental state and frame of mind then i have been for years. I care less and less what people think of me as i evolve into my own person. Friends are few and fair between but the ones i have are genuine and i wouldn't trade them for the world. A very close friend i owe a great big hug and thanks to because she made me see the light. Now, as i am growing into a person that is stronger by the minute, i realize that life is too short and that you should

"Smile and laugh everyday for it may be your last".

Thanks to everyone that has supported and continues to support me. With out such backers i may not be changing into the person i am today.

Ah.....the dating world... it can be quite strange!

Dating...oh dating....

I went on a date last night. The guy I went with was very nice, classy, and oldschool, but he was my age. What can I say, there was a click, but not the right one. I felt like we nattered at each other the entire time. Back and forth, back and forth. We are both sarcastic so it was just one giant sarcasm fest. He was really nice and paid for dinner, and i was good i offered to pay for my half but, it just doesn't seem worth it. If we are like that now, imagine what a relationship would be! With all that sarcasm it would surely lead to drama and that's not something i want in my life. He also made some jokes about leaving me with $0.25 for a cab so that I could get a ride home. That's not the most classy thing in the world. Sure he's met some weirdos on the internet dating site that we use but frig you don't know me from a whole in the ground and the topic was consistently brought back to me being crazy, another thing i didn't like. This guy says he's laid back and relaxed, but to be so sarcastic and cutting all the time.... man, that's drama i don't want or need. He also made some other comments which i thought could be interpreted by me, quite badly. I didn't show completely that i was not impressed but my jaw dropped a fair bit leaving a gaping hole in my face, so if he didn't notice that then i don't know what to say. He kinda bawked at giving me a hug too, who does that!

Lesson Learned = you can talk to a person for a few times and it be alright but when it is actual person to person contact the real them comes out, and it may not be so nice or fun as they sounded on the phone.

Just my luck...

Well I am a very lucky person right now.

I have 2 guys that are absolutely different and wonderful at the same time.

Guy A is pretty cool and is local. He's attentive, wants me to try new things, has a great sexual appetite. He is younger then me but not by much, which is a surprise because i never thought i would do anything with someone younger then me. He's mature though so that's what makes him different. He knows fashion and i think that's a major turn on! Likes Juicy Couture, Gucci and D&G. Now that's style. He wears pink golf shirts, and any guy that wears pink and looks sexy is on the fashion train to wonderful.

Guy B is differrent by the fact that he's outside and over programmed, so our time together is short and few between. He also lives further away. That's ok though, we have to be living our lives. He has the biggest smile, and the bluest of eyes. Witty and sarcastic and he's a really good guy! Likes to wear board shorts and t-shirts, very casual type of style and wears skate shoes that look so comfortable. In his innocence, he will not get a tattoo and he is very sure that's the way it's going to be. I like that innocent quality of him.

This week i have been lucky enough to get attention from both my boys. It's nice though because they are different and yet they have some similarities. They both are:
-romantics
-into good music
-have their own sense of style
-babelicious in their own special ways
-good kissers

How lucky am i? The best of both worlds, have my cake and enjoy eating it too! Good times at Chez Sarah!

erotic poetry

he gives himself a yank
i give him a spank

he gives himself a pull
i suck on him til my mouth is full

he gives me grasp
what he does makes me gasp

he gives me ass
i give him sass

he gives me satisfaction
i give him plenty of sexual action

he gives me sweet kisses
i give sex like a mistress

he doesn't know what he's got
i, eventually, will be the jackpot

he gives me the tingles
i lick him and he shingles

Get A Job.... Ah yeah, thanks i'm trying....arghhhh

Well today is going to be a bit of a rant.

I'm tired :
-of people using me like a cash cow (this stops now)
-of people owing me money and just forgetting about it (this stops now)
-of people treating those close to me like dirt
-of taking any derogatory treatment or conversation directed at me (this stops now)

Why do people feel that when they borrow money that you are like a giving tree and you will just sprout some 100 dollar bills on your next branch to replace what they have taken. These particular people need to be more responsible for their actions and not just forget about the favour i did for them. And then talking back to me and giving me lip when i call to collect some money. For F'''s sake why should i have to bare the burden when they promised me that i would get the money back. Yeah i know times are hard but don't tell me to get a job and support myself... i'm trying, handed out 20 resumes on friday and applied to 5 online.

Geez, damn those freakin' free-loaders!

meh!

Today = high humidity and digusting heat. Boo earns!

Today= Jason Mraz concert....Live is Wonderful!

So this morning i decided to watch a movie while i consumed my tasty breakfast of 2 bowls of Alphabits cereal and Lactaid Milk. The movie that jumped out to me was FALLING DOWN with Michael Douglas. Now i have already laughed several times at the film and it isn't even half an hour in. This attorney decides that he is going to change his day by leaving his car in a line up of delayed traffic and trying to make his way home. Along the way he feels it is his personal journey to teach foreigners the 'proper' ways of America. Every time he has a run in with someone he gathers up a different weapon. He started with none, then graduated to a short baseball bat, then from there he graduated to a switch blade (which he cannot get over how quick and cool the bad guys looked using it), later in the film he ends up parading around with a shot gun! I would say that's a decent graduation of weapons if i don't say so myself!

Then i started pondering how i would react if that was me, and you know what the conclusion i came to was.... I would probably be the same way! My anger would just make me a ticking time bomb, i would want to teach people a lesson for disrespecting the territory they live in, i would like to be tactful and when someone wanted my brief case (just like Michael Douglas did...) i would give it to them in a smash over the head action. There was no description on how they would like the brief case just that they wanted it. Lesson Learned= you should ask or create terms on how you want things or you are going to get them in a way least expected.

Last night was couples golf with an Asian theme. It was great. We had a lot of fun and people really made the effort with their costumes. Dad and I went as rice paddy workers which was interesting because i even made the effort to get the special hats. I think that i will be using my hat for more then just the average things, might even turn into a great grass cutting hat since it's so wide and the coverage is good. Pics are too come, no worries you will get to see dad and i in our asian glory!