Round and round we go ...

I have come to realize that quite often people forget where they are from and who they used to be. This is a sad factor but it is a recurring theme in today's society. Since society focuses on the individual and where they want to be in life. Often this means, stepping on the 'little' guy or changing your morals and values so that they are more self-driven. Sadly, as each person tries to focus more on their selves, they forget the original person they were. Things that most people take on as adventures themselves, they employ others to do for them. Examples include: dogwalkers, nannies, cleaners, etc. Now while i am hiring a cleaner, i am also included in this self-fulfilling prophecy. There are a few reasons why i hired a cleaner: i hate cleaning, i am not willing to all the cleaning required by myself, i would rather focus my efforts on trying to live a happy life instead of cleaning constantly and being depressed or disgruntled, A MAJOR POINT: i know by hiring a cleaner on a regular basis they know what needs to be done to keep a healthy and sanitary environment. Essentially the way i look at hiring a cleaner helps to ease my depression and i can put all my efforts into expanding on my skills and schooling which in turn will help move me ahead with my career. Before when i was spending money frivilously on POT, i would spend at least 80-150 on my habit, so i put that money towards having a cleaner. I think this is a healthy choice because i am living in a better environment and it does ease some of my worries/depression. In certain areas hiring people to do such tasks is a norm. Now because someone has hired a person to do something for them does not mean that i am going to judge them. I understand that people want to move ahead with their careers, want to keep working while having kids, etc. Just because people hire others for them though does not mean that they are BETTER than everyone else. Society says that people are allowed to do things but the things they do should not make them any better then anyone else. Yes a millionaire may have more money then the average person but that is not what makes them a decent person. It's by how people act towards one another. The millionaire could be a miserable person and 'hate' life, whereas the average person could be a happy person and enjoy life even though they cannot buy everything that comes into their head. Many would think that the millionaire would have no reason to be disgruntled with life but this is a major example of "money cannot buy happiness". Many people that are financially wealthy are very depressed and have issues with drugs, alcohol or other substances. They involve themself with these activities because they want to numb the pain they feel or fit in. So when society starts putting people in CLASSES i start to question who is the inventor of this policy. The classicism issue is one that is administered most often by the government and they focus on money being the deciding factor as to what class they are in. Instead of bringing our country together this divides and quite often alienates people. People get put in groups by what they have and do not have. The Have's and Have Not's is unfair to people. Instead of people being individuals they are lumped into monetary groups. It makes me sad to see people that are struggling and therefore i will try to help them out. I feel that if i have some extra that i can spread to someone that has 'nothing' it is only fair that i share. Charity and donations in a round about way are a self fulfilling method. Anyone who gives to charity does so to help and the act of helping makes them feel good. So essentially when helping others helps you feel good, is society truly an individualistic way of life that we are all working to better ourselves? ...........some food for thought.

A place i can call my sanctuary

YeaH I'm down and there's nothing i can do about it. No matter what i try it just feels like i am spiraling down, down, down. My dad seemed to have me under a magnifying glass which does not help matters. It's like he points something out and i feel put on the spot and then i react. My reactions of late are not tempered and i get agitated and frustrated very easily. Too easily almost. i have suffered with mental illness for 12 years now and it has been a long and dreary path. The most positive thing that has come out of it is my new therapist who teaches me skills of mindfulness and not being judgemental. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and accepting how you feel at that time. The judgements are a little bit harder and more tedious to combat. Regarding the judgements i have to realize that there is not just black or white but there are many shades of gray. The variety of grays opens many doors and windows. With borderline personality disorderr, it is very common to have black/white thinking, so introducing non-judgemental thinking is a notorious task. Things are not good/bad, or naughty/good. There are the triggers that cause a feeling and then there is an explanation for the feeling evolved from that trigger. For example, I do not like that book because i feel it is unrealistic about the events that happened. That would be a factual way of describing why you do not like a book. Instead of being like the average joe and just saying "I don't like that," it's more about the reasoning and the facts why you don't like it. Using a simple phrase is easier compared to the non-judgemental way but the non-judgemental way takes the black/white thinking out of the equation. So to change the disposition of the beginning of this post would be "I am feeling depressed and see everything in negative light currently, therefore making it very hard for me."

Tonight is a good night for abstinence, although my mind tried to coerce me into having some pot. I have been very good, minus a slip up here and there (only 2) but i need to keep thinking that just because i fell off the wagon does not negate the progress that i have made. I am working with 58 days of sobriety from my habit that did not help me (another phrase without a judgement!) My dad suggested that i start over since i had my slips but i said there is no way that i am starting from day 1. I was and am determined to keep going with this. Tonight my brain kept taunting me saying "Oh you can have just one and you will be fine. One popper won't hurt." I say NO! Keep with the positive flow! If i can experience the emotions that i am having and remain clean for another night that is a battle well won. I did and am getting down on myself that my brain would try to fool me into thinking that it would be ok. It just wants the depression to subside for a bit but will smoking my brains out be a good way to put away my feelings. No! If anything i would much rather read and go to bed and actually sleep instead of be conscious and have to deal with my feelings. I think that sleeping, even though an avoidist measure, is better then the alternative.

So in my time of need i come to you dear reader to voice my thoughts, feelings and concerns. Nothing feels better then writing and getting everything, or most things, out of my brain. I can write without interruption and it challenges me because i try to phrase things is a well-spoken/written manner. I know that whatever i write, in this sacred space i have created, will not be judged or used against me in any way, shape or form. Here is the one place where i can be myself and say what is truly on my mind without censorship. For that i am thankful. For that i am lucky. So many people do not have an outlet to vent or say what is really on their minds. This blog is not about the fame or how many readers come to my site to see what i have written. It is my place for truth, honesty and feelings. A place i can come and share my tales and travels and let them just be. A place i call my sanctuary.