Blah blah blah, nothing exciting just updates

So the farm finally closed and my dad is just getting the rest of his stuff out and cleaning today. Tonight is his first night at his new place. I hope he has a good night and is comfy. Finally he gets to have a somewhat normal life and not have to worry about doing farm chores anymore.

Tomorrow is the first time my cleaning lady comes. I am very excited, I even took some intiative and cleaned out some cupboards so that they are more organized. I got most of the bottles left from my 'so called' friends. I am hoping that with the cleaning lady doing what she does i will be able to sort some areas out and de-clutter the apartment. This will make things better and i will be able to focus on my laundry and stuff. That will make things better, i know it will.

So more the more important dilemma is what to get my people for Christmas. I am really struggling with what to get the few people i have to buy for. I am shopping for my mum and dad and my bffx7 and her hubby to be. The problem with mum and dad is that i just don't know what to get them bc i normally get them really good ideas and stuff but i just have a giant brain block. Nothing comes to mind. I have got them one gift each but that's it, and even that gift isn't that creative. It's something useful, or what i thought would be a good relaxation gift. My bffx7 and hubby to be i am totally lost. She requested that i only get hubby to be a gift that is small and around $10, bc he has to travel with it. Her gift has to be relatively small as well bc she has to travel back to Paradise with it. Gah! If you have any suggestions or ideas please send them, i am in desperate need of help!

My dear friend Sm was over the other night with a friend of hers. It was the first time i met this friend but he was a really nice person for the first meet and greet. Can't wait till Sm is home for Christmas break. We might be going to the movies on tuesday or something but i am not sure. My mum has decided she is coming down for a visit on tuesday and i am uber excited about that. I haven't seen my mum since she moved up to the cottage so i think it will be good times. She will get to see what the cleaning lady did and we are going to talk about how good it is. I am also excited to show her some of my new organization in the few areas i did today.

I am almost done reading this Jodi Piccoult book called Perfect Match. This book was a giant disappointment. I thought it was going to be really good. I was intrigued and wanted to keep reading and then i reached the 200 pg mark and the book just went down hill. The subject was a prosecutor that finds out that her son has been sexually abused by a priest at her church. Trying to find out who actually committed the crime was ridiculous bc it was like a totally guessing game. The child suffered some PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) that caused him to be mute and when they were trying to find out who hurt him the similarities in the names were so close that it was just like "Oh it wasn't this guy, it was him bc the character had some excuse as to how he pronounced letters and stuff", the excuses were endless. Now i am not making light of the situation because i wanted to find out who hurt the boy as well but when it kept jumping around i didn't find it believable and the way the story turned out to be told was just not good. I was very disappointed bc there were two other books that Piccoult wrote that were very good so i guess i had my hopes up for this book. I probably will not read another book by her unless it is a subject matter that i am interested in. Boo for that book. Glad i'm pretty much done it. It isn't a good book to read anymore it's more like it has turned into a chore.

So many topics....

So many things to tell you so i am just going to make a list and start telling you about everything :) I know that you have been dying for another post so here it is :)

-my mum has sold her house. It's the first of many steps as my parents are currently working on selling the farm. My horses are going to stay boarded at the farm which is really nice for them. They will get to live out their lives on the property and get to be buried there, a tradition that has been long carried out with all of our animals. It brings me comfort to know that i can still go to the farm anytime i want visit our pet cemetery and relive all the good memories me and my animals have shared there.

-i was looking through my facebook messages and i came across a suggestion to listen/watch this video called Penelope by PINBACK, it's a very good song and i really like the indie type of music they are. Good choice when i feel down or nothing or anything in between.

-i am sitting here waiting for my person to come from merry maids to give me a free quote. I decided that i want to live in a really clean atmosphere and stuff so since i am not willing to clean night and day, i would much rather pay someone to do it for me. Yes i guess having a cleaning lady would be a diva-esque type of thing but i deserve it and it will be better. I have already agreed that i am going to have the cleaning lady come some time next week since my bffx7 is coming home and i don't want her to see the apartment as a hovel. I think this could be a giant step for me. I hate cleaning and it is the bain of my existence. Drives me a bit nutty if you know what i mean. So if i have to make some sacrifices to get a cleaning lady, i am willing to do that. Can't wait to have someone else do my cleaning for me. I have sat and thought about it for quite sometime and all i can think of is the benefits. And yes, i did some tidying up for when she comes so that she doesn't think i live in a little pit or something. Silly to clean for a cleaning lady but oh well, it's my first time meeting this person so i think that she will see the small effort i made for her, and yep, i'm even going to tell her i did some tidy up duties.

-my favourite aunt gave me an idea to write a story for the people at work, more specifically the kids. I never really thought how fascinating an idea it was until i started having ideas for this project. So at night when i should be sleeping i have all these wonderful ideas for the book that i will be creating, verses, rhymes, pictures, etc

- just finished my meeting with the Merry maids representative. From the notes she made i can get that they are going to be cleaning my bathroom (3 pcs), my hall, my living room/ dining room, my kitchen and my foyer. All the areas will be cleaned, dusted and vacuumed and my floors will be washed as well as santization of particular areas. I decided to go for the weekly cleaning option and i was told that it will probably take the lady about 1 hr to do. So for having a lady clean all my things and stuff it will cost under $100. I chose the weekly option bc that is the best choice and then it will be in a constant state of clean. I did request that at a later date i will have my bedroom done but that will be added and it will still be under $100 which i thought was great. Now yes, the big thing is I am so excited! I won't have to worry about doing anything extra, a step of a house owner i made!

- my bffx7 is coming home for christmas and my other dear friend Sm is coming home on monday. I truly can't wait to see both of their smiling faces. Have girl time and chill out, have a couple drinks and party it up. Clubs, movies, and good food, how could i want for anything more. Hopefully, i can arrange for them to meet each other because they are such dazzling people. It would be so awesome! <3 Maybe a trip to the city for a great bar night is an order! We'll have so much fun and party it up in Sg style!

-Another bit of good news, i have been clean of my pot usage for 35 days today. I have been keeping track so that i know. Things are a lot easier and with the money that i was spending on pot i am going to get a cleaning lady which is so much better. The one thing i don't like about it is experiencing all the emotions but i have to get used to the feelings since i was blocking them out for so long. I am not dependent on the drugs which is really nice though and my system feels so much better. My next chore will be to quit smoking. I usually only have one a day but somedays it is more. I am not to beat myself up over having them though because i want to continue being successful on my pot free journey. I was told that if i try to quit everything at once i won't be successful at anything and i want to keep the positivity flowing through my veins.

- I am getting a new car! This is very exciting as well. It's blue and it's a subaru. It's the wagon model, not sure whether it is the forrester or the impreza but it's hot. I had a dream last week and i think that i am going to name it Grover. The name came to me because it's blue, but when i drive it there might be another name that comes to mind. Just have to see what it 'tells' me. Cars have their own way of telling you what they want to be named. There usually is a moment or time that happens when they get their name. Can't wait to get my new 'moment'.

-

Death Before Dishonour

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.

Grumpy Panda with a positive TWIST

So i'm a bit of a grumpy panda today.

There's this person that i introduced to my group of 'so-called' friends. He's always been really arrogant and just thinks the world owes him everything.

Last night was the true test. I had 2 of the good guys over and they left my house to go do 'bad' things (which will remain unnamed) at this person's house. Since i have not been having them over all the time and i have been focussing on work and getting my life together they have now moved onto this guy, especially since he has a truck for the next little while. What bothers me most about this is that i realize now that since my place is not much of a convenience anymore they don't care. Well this makes me mad because the person i introduced is now taking my friends away. It sounds really petty i know but it upsets me how the guys can just move on and forget that i even exist. Sorry but i work everyday now and i enjoy going to bed at a decent time at night. I don't want to be up till all hours of the morning and then going to work on little or no sleep. This person said that he considers me a true friend but i see more and more that is not the case. He sees me as a friend when he is drinking my booze, and smoking my cigarettes, which he says will be replaced but never are. Well my answer to him is FUCK RIGHT OFF. When i say no he tries to pull the puppy dog eyes or has a hissy banana so that he can get his way. Grow up, you`re 26 years old and you still don`t like being told no. Sorry but in the real world no gets thrown around a lot, get used to it. I am tired of his childish games and just want him out of my life, so i am making a stand. He is no longer welcome at my house. I don`t even want to see him. Another thing that ticks me right off is that he is driving around in this truck lent to him supposedly by the Hells Angels, and he only has his G1. He likes his liquour and it is a guarantee that during the course of the weekend he is going to be drunk the entire time. Great! So now he`s driving around with people i care about and did i add that he`s driving recklessly. There have been a lot of car accidents of late and many young people have lost their lives. If he remotely hurts anyone of the people i care about i will rip him a new asshole. Just because he wants to endanger his life doesn`t mean that he can endanger others and get away scott free. I will bring a wreckoning and he won`t like that either but too bad.

As you can see i have proved my point that i am a grumpy panda. It just bothers me when my `so-called` friends always do things without me and never invite me. I think it`s quite rude and it`s apparent that my f-ship really means nothing. So i have been passive about it for a long time and now i am starting to toughen up and express my thoughts and feelings. I have to stand up for myself and do what i think is right and this is one of the times where i have no doubts in my mind that i am right.

On a good note i have been pot free for 9 days and am currently working on my 10th. I decided to do this of my own accord and it has worked out well. My parents are happy and most of all, i`m happy. I feel better. It`s not like i ran out or anything i still have some in case i need it but i just feel that i would rather not do it. I am starting to embrace feeling emotions, and it can be scary but it is a lot better. I was worried that i was having consistent bad dreams because i no longer was doing the pot before bed but i have washed that fear away by having several nights where i am not so disturbed by my dreams. Maybe it was part of withdrawal, i have no idea but man do i feel a whole lot better. I am not coughing my nights away. I am getting sleep. I have gone back to my roots and am being an avid reader once again. A past-time that i dearly missed. Books are my escape and i wouldn`t have it any other way!

I must keep on the positivity train as i am doing so well!
Thanks for all your love and support!

So much to tell you

Dear Reader(s),

It has been, what feels like forever, since i have written you.

I am a busy bee lately. Things are going well with my job. I have been there for almost 3 months and am coming up for my review. I am going to start making notes if there is anything that i want to discuss or be informed about. No date is set yet for my review but I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to hear the constructive criticism as well as new ideas.

Working at the daycare is amazing. It's the first job where i have actually felt a good sense of accomplishment and worth. The kids depend on me and i continue to try and be a good leader that they are wanting. I have a person that i work with, and we just JAM the room. Things work well, we work well and have a good environment in our room. We manage from 10- 12 children in the afternoon and on the whole, it goes smooth like peanut butter.

I got to celebrate my birthday yesterday, with friends, family, co-workers, and the kids in my room. It was one of the most memorable birthdays ever. The kids made me a card with some pictures they drew on it, and they participated in singing happy birthday two times, as well as having cupcakes with me.

Movie Alert _ THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE (2009)
A documentary on VOGUE magazine, which revolves around Anna Wintour, goddess to the fashion world. She single-handed-ly changes fashion and creates the new look as well as promoting new and upcoming designers. I watch this movie at least once a week, and i feel lost when i don't watch it. I love the fashion world for it's change, innovation and imagination. If you have a passion for fashion like i do then this is a must film for your collection. I recently bought my first copy of VOGUE magazine and was astounded. I was actually able to accept it for what it was and how much work goes into the production of it. Mind you it was not the September issue but I am happy to say the November issue. Even though she is known as the “Ice Woman” of fashion, damn is she good!

Productive is my middle name tonight. I have made myself dinner. I washed my dishes. Tidied up a bit. Got all my thank you notes written and are ready to be posted and given to those recipients.

Another important thing that i would like to mention is that I have significantly cut back on my pot usage and drinking. I rarely drink, only on special occassions or when i want to chill. My brain is feeling so much better and i am starting to experience emotions, some for the first time! Oh the joy of being overridden with emotion but it feels a lot better then just numb, angry or sad.

I think i am doing really well and want to keep this positivity flowing.

Thanks for your support and love. I will keep you posted!

Ciao <3

Tribute to my Bffx7

This is a tribute post to my BEST FRIEND IN THE WORLD, aka BFFx7.

My Bffx7 has come to a point in her life where she has to choose which path and journey she would like to take in life. Some people may be disappointed but i think that is the most selfish thing they could be. They should be happy that she is going to take on the world full force. With making changes in her bio/psycho/social circle she plans to better herself and achieve ultimate happiness. A journey to the southern hemisphere of the world and to a wonderful place similar to paradise was the beginning of her journey. There have been a few bumps on her roller coaster but she is going to be climaxing again very soon. I am writing this tribute to her to show my positive encouragement as well as my love and support for such a dear friend. We have been through many ups and downs but it has made us stronger along the way. We are so close that our parental units of each other consider us like a second child. We make sure to spend time or communicate with the rest of the family and keep ties close. My Bffx7 has been an inspiration of mine for a long time. I find myself wishing I had the opportunities that she has had presented to her. I envy her, but with love. Her life is coming together so nicely. She has a competitive and challenging job, recently became a home owner (Props Girl!), and is on a really nice upward swing. We talk quite frequently, and it is always good. Even though there is an ocean between us I know that if something serious was going down she would be here for me in a second, and i would do the same for her. She's always with me in my heart and my mind because i know she's keeping an eye,from afar, over me.

This picture is currently my computer background because I get to see her smiling face everyday and i can remember good times and put a smile on my face.

Dear Bffx7, I love you so, you are the most special person on the planet. No one could ever compare, and for me you are always there. We always have a guarantee of fun, whether at the club or out in the sun. Shakin' our booties, and lookin' hot with our big boobies! You are my love and there will be no other. Our families are one, you have me and i have 2 brothers. I have wrote this little ditty for you, because no one will understand you like i do.

Xoxo
*Sg*

fml FOR real

So i started work on Tuesday of last week. I had some spots on my face but i just figured they were zits or something. Now since we all know i have some OCD issues, so i am a picker of scabs by nature. I never realized what this shit was until yesterday when i saw my psychiatrist and he said that it looked like i had impetigo. At first i thought, yeah whatever but then someone else told me that's what it looked like so i went to the walk-in clinic to get it checked out and sure enough...it's impetigo. I thought originally that impetigo was like herpes and so i was puzzled how i got it. I don't have rando sex partners or anything and i don't have a boyfriend so how could i get this 'herpes' like virus. I prescribed some pills which i have to take 4 times a day and cream to apply 3 times a day. The pharmacist that i had i gone to today said that he sees it all the time and people are very self-conscious about it. I feel like i have been shot in the face with buckshot. I never had complexion problems growing up as a kid so when i have something as horrible as this on my face, i'm freakin' out a little bit to say the least! I might be able to go to work tomorrow but i will have to cover the sores on my face up, gee thats not going to be too noticeable. Fuck My Life. This really sucks.

ATTACHED PLEASE FIND SOME INFORMATION REGARDING IMPETIGO THAT I FOUND ON WIKIPEDIA, HOPEFULLY THIS WILL EDUCATE YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID ME. ITS A LITTLE AFTER THE FACT BUT SOME KNOWLEDGE IS BETTER THEN NONE.


Impetigo is a highly contagious bacterial skin infection most common among pre-school children.[1] People who play close contact sports such as rugby, American football and wrestling are also susceptible, regardless of age. Impetigo is not as common in adults. The name derives from the Latin impetere ("assail"). It is also known as school sores. [2]


Classification
Impetigo contagiosa
Impetigo contagiosa is a cutaneous condition characterized by a staphylococcal, streptococcal, or combined infection that presents with discrete, thin-walled vesicles pustular and then rupture.[3]:255 Impetigo also causes flu-like symptoms which may cause fatigue, weakness of muscles, headaches and vomiting.[citation needed]
Bullous impetigo
Bullous impetigo primarily affects infants and children younger than 2 years. It causes painless, fluid-filled blisters — usually on the trunk, arms and legs. The skin around the blister is usually red and itchy but not sore. The blisters, which break and scab over with a yellow-colored crust, may be large or small, and may last longer than sores from other types of impetigo.
Ecthyma
Ecthyma is a more serious form of impetigo in which the infection penetrates deeper into the skin's second layer, the dermis. Signs and symptoms include:
Painful fluid- or pus-filled sores that turn into deep ulcers, usually on the legs and feet
A hard, thick, gray-yellow crust covering the sores
Swollen lymph glands in the affected area
Little holes the size of pinheads to the size of pennies appear after crust recedes
Scars that remain after the ulcers heal
Causes
It is primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, and sometimes by Streptococcus pyogenes.[4] According to the American Academy of Family Physicians, both bullous and nonbullous are primarily caused by Staphylococcus aureus, with Streptococcus also commonly being involved in the nonbullous form."[5]
Transmission
The infection is spread by direct contact with lesions or with nasal carriers. The incubation period is 1–3 days. Dried streptococci in the air are not infectious to intact skin. Scratching may spread the lesions.
Diagnosis
Impetigo generally appears as honey-colored scabs formed from dried serum, and is often found on the arms, legs, or face.[4]
Prevention

This section does not cite any references or sources.
Please help improve this article by adding citations to reliable sources. Unsourced material may be challenged and removed. (March 2009)
Good hygiene practices can help prevent impetigo from spreading. Those who are infected should use soap and water to clean their skin and take baths or showers regularly. Non-infected members of the household should pay special attention to areas of the skin that have been injured, such as cuts, scrapes, insect bites, areas of eczema, and rashes. These areas should be kept clean and covered to prevent infection. In addition, anyone with impetigo should cover the impetigo sores with gauze and tape. All members of the household should wash their hands thoroughly with soap on a regular basis. It is also a good idea for everyone to keep their fingernails cut short to make hand washing more effective. Contact with the infected person and his or her belongings should be avoided, and the infected person should use separate towels for bathing and hand washing. If necessary, paper towels can be used in place of cloth towels for hand drying. The infected person's bed linens, towels, and clothing should be separated from those of other family members, as well. Whilst suffering from impetigo, it is best to stay indoors for a few days to stop any bacteria from getting into the blisters and making the infections worse. When a person has impetigo, it is common for them to get it a second time in the space of 6–9 months. This usually occurs in people aged 12–16.
Treatment
For generations, the disease was treated with an application of the antiseptic gentian violet.[6] Today, topical or oral antibiotics are usually prescribed. Treatment may involve washing with soap and water and letting the impetigo dry in the air. Mild cases may be treated with bactericidal ointment, such as fusidic acid, mupirocin, chloramphenicol or neosporin, which in some countries may be available over-the-counter. More severe cases require oral antibiotics, such as dicloxacillin, flucloxacillin or erythromycin. Alternatively amoxicillin combined with clavulanate potassium, cephalosporins (1st generation) and many others may also be used as an antibiotic treatment.
Hydrogen peroxide is an alternative to topical antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo. In a cream formulation hydrogen peroxide 1% is stabilized, thereby avoiding fast degradation with the result of prolonged antimicrobial effect and effective treatment. Hydrogen peroxide has been shown to be as effective as antibiotics in the treatment of Impetigo Contagiosa.

Party Central!

So i decided to write this because i was provoked by a dear friends dad saying how disgusting the behaviour in question was. The video is on YouTube and if you search enough you can watch the video. It's of this young girl by a river and she is wearing gloves and throws an entire litter of puppiees in the river. She doesn't seem to have any morals or values because she thinks what she is doing is funny. Clearly she doesn't believe in protesting against cruelty to animals. I'm sure whoever posted the video will find some way to justify the behaviour, sadly though, there is no justification that would be suitable. I think that youtube has to put certain limits some way some how so that there is no videos that are totally disturbing. Since it's an open forum there is no policing till after the video posted has been viewed by several million people that go on YouTube regularly to watch the newest videos released. I have to say that i watched the video a few times to analyze whether i thought it was real or not. I came to the conclusion that it was real, but it was a pathetic excuse for a person committing a crime.

The good news i want to share with you is i finally got a job. I worked Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday. I work at a daycare and have never had the best time for a first time at work in my history. I am enthusiastic to go to work. I smile, i feel good, and i think that i am happy. It's very rewarding and i really enjoy it. Not only is it my first job in 2 years, but i am the most positive i have been in a while.

I have been doing really well in my quest to cut back on certain habits that were way too regular. I have been really happy that i have cut back. I am only going to party on the weekends which sounds much more responsible. I am finding that i am getting really good sleep on majority of the time, but there is an odd day that i struggle with getting to sleep. I am finding since i don't take my clonazepam in the morning i am more productive and efficient during the day.

I'm signing off because i have company and we are having a good time.
Ciao for now!

please excuse the lack of punctuation and grammar

I have already fucked up. I have been out of detox 3 hours and i have already gotten high. I have to say i felt really disappointed when i went and saw my dad and he wouldn't even look at me. I thought i looked pretty damn clear and good. I feel guilty that i have already done a boo boo but there's a part of me that says I don't think it was that bad. I was in there to get away from my house and the pot, and then when i come home the first thing i do is to have a sesh. It felt good to be sober for a few days i'm not going to discount that but having this toke and talking with some friends was nice too. I missed my boys and it was good to see some of them and i'm sure that i will see more of them tonight. I am going to be totally honest and say that when i was talking to my discharge planner, I did say that i don't really want to totally cut my habit out of my life i just want to be able to manage it better. I don't think my parents would like to hear that though. They want me to say i am done with it and never will do it again. I am getting tired of trying to please my dad and getting nowhere with it. He's not happy with any thing that i do. I am going to therapy and trying to make serious changes and he just ignores it. Today when he wouldn't look at me that was pretty interesting as well. Like geez i went to detox to please him and mum and it's just not working. From detox i learned that i was able to conquer some demons and go sober for a few days. Now i have to carry what i was doing in detox to what i am doing at home. Writing this and getting all my thoughts and feelings out is a good improvement. I can then reflect back on what i have written and see what i was feeling at that particular time. I think this will help me to learn to deal with my emotions. If i can come here and totally vent all my cares away and i know it's a safe venue then all the power to me. If people choose to comment great, i want to hear what people have to say, positive or negative. I also hope that by me writing about my life and what i have to deal with especially with my addictions, that even a person can take a word away from my blog and leave the rest then i am reaching people/fans/ readers in a way that i want to, and that makes me happy. Since detox doesn't allow computers or anything i had to write manual journal entries, but i plan to post them on here. Give me some time and i will get 'er done! Dad just called and when i told him he was frustrating me and upsetting me he just said 'yeah, i know' and then expected me to just let it go. Why do i even try to impress him, it's an impossible feat. I just get more upset and degraded when it's not good enough for him but i am trying so god damn hard.

the positivity must keep going strong!

So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.

It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.

So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.

Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(

So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.

I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!

So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!

Correction Notice.............

In my post from earlier today i made a quote reference and it totaly was mixed up and just FUCKED.

One of my treasured readers sent me a message to make a correction, and i would like to say thanks and here is the correct data for future reference:

"One small step for man. One giant leap for mankind"
- Neil Armstrong

"To infinity and beyond"
- Buzz Lightyear

Waaaa Waaaaa Weeee Waaaaa!!!!!!!!!! Very nice!

So i keep telling myself, “One small step for man, One giant step for mankind.” (Buzz Lightyear (?)

I had a meeting with my addiction counsellor today and i made the giant leap (yep, sensationalizing this one!) and made a point to call Detox and get a bed for Sunday at 10 am. My counsellor helped me to arrange it and make the call from her office so that i wouldn't be alone to do it. She waved a magic wand and made the arrangements. I just have to make sure that i call and check in on Wednesday and Friday. I have it written in my dayplanner so that i make sure i do follow up. When i think about going i get anxious and worried. I have been in situations where i have been in a facility and been threatened therefore i am always worried when i have to go in. In the long run it will benefit me a lot. Get my head around it. Realize that if it doesn't work the first time, I can go again and I will know more what it is like. A place to go to leave my house which i currently associate with chilling and being social. I need to leave my surroundings and be without the possibility of getting pot for a few days. There is a program that my addiction counsellor wants me to try, it's acupuncture (which is needles) stuck in various points in your ear that effect urges, cravings and other areas of addiction. I am leary about that because i don't like needles but at the same time i really enjoy getting tattoos which involves needles as well. Weird, peculiar, strange, that's all inclusive. I am going to try it though, and if it works then that will be really interesting. I hope it's not a procedure like chiropractics, which your body gets used to and relies on being finnagled into place making the patient a 'hostage' customer, if you will. My legs start to bounce at a sewing machine pace. My fingers start to type faster. My mind starts to race. I can't even think straight to hardly continue typing. That probably explains why this post is taking me forever to write. I have to take a break every so often so that i can be mindful and come back to the here and now instead of anxiety (based on future thinking). When my DBT therapist told me that anxiety is always based on future thinking, it took me a while but i figured it to be true. When being mindful you have to focus on the here and now, and try not to judge what you are feeling or thinking. Both of these realizations were very important to learn and i am still practicing them. I am not into the routine yet of them actually being a second nature type of deal but that will come in time. If i can say that i practiced one of each, or said No to someone and stood my ground, that is a major step for me. Saying no is probably one of the hardest things that i have had to learn. The initial guilty feeling is terrible but once i get used to it and realize that i can say no, i get a little bit more self esteem and confidence to add to my collection. So from that i gather that i am progressing slowly but it's still moving forward.

I'm going to take a break! I'm going to do something!

Ciao for now!!!

xoxo

I'm thinking of two words

Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!

Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.

I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!

No means No... Didn't you hear me the first time?

I am starting to say no and people really don't like it. They throw hissy fits and turn into complete jerks... so then i am at a point where i am questioning is this a decent friendship and worth fighting for. This particular person thinks that by paying me $15 in gas money and buying me some rockstars is going to cover my time and effort. Where i start to say that's enough and No is because this person continually asks me for stuff: smokes, booze, money, anything. I am left in the hole if i provide him with stuff and i just don't see the point anymore. The friendship isn't that great, he talks to me like a piece of trash when he wants and sees me as a convenience sex person. On the whole i wouldn't mind having a perma booty call status with someone but it's never enough for this person. He is constantly asking for more and i can't do it. This is where i draw a line in the sand and say no. I have already said no about 5 times and he is still hassling me. Now the offer has been upgraded to gas, booze, and doing stuff for me............. Not a smash seller with me. Just said no a sixth time and tried to say for the 4th time that I have already done a lot for him and it's never good enough so i am done.... then i get the rhetorical question, “So that's a no for sure?” FUCKING RIGHT THAT”S A NO FOR SURE. I am tired of being walked all over and not a thought given to me or my feelings. This guy is persistant i will give him that but Geez give me a break. And if he comes to the apartment and starts ringing my buzzer i am going to ignore him too. A one time half romp sesh does not mean that you can control me and that you know how things are going to go. I have to say no to him and others, which in turn is saying yes to myself. That's right i have to say yes to myself more often and not get forced into doing things that i don't want to do just so that the person doesn't have a hissy banana. Sounds like i am dealing with children at a daycare level..... Geez that's another thing that i don't need. Now he's trying to get someone else to talk to me so that he can get his way. I need time by myself to process this shit and keep firm with the No business. I can do it! I know i can! I know I can! (some paraphrasing from the little engine that could.)

I'm pretty sure i love myself today <3

i love my fans!

So it's been a while since i have made a post. There's quite a few things that i need to bring you readers up to speed as to what is going on in my life.

2 People have robbed and slashed my screen bc they felt like it. I personally believe that it was retalitory measure they took because of something i did but i have no idea. Neither of the people will talk to me, which i can't say is a bad thing, i just want them out of my life. I don't want to remember times we spent or anything. Because i could not control myself i am now in debt huge and have nothing to show for it. They on the other hand have plenty of things to show for it: their habits were paid for, their pets were taken care of, they have brand new wardrobes, and many other things that i am not going to list. I called these people 'family' and was that ever a mistake. If that's how they treat their family then i really don't want anything to do with them. I don't treat my family like and it and would never, it's a very low-life type of behaviour. In reality it is a gesture that demonstrates that you are a person with little to no values or class. Not someone i would like to associate with.

Next topic. I am seeing new therapist for DBT therapy which is supposed to help people with bipolar and borderline personality. I really find it working, and i am learning valuable skills. So far saying no is still pretty tough but i am starting to get the hang of it and it's not so foreign now. I still feel guilty when i say it but after thinking about it and being able to have fit justification it makes sense! Some friends are really supportive about it and re-inforce me saying no. Other friends don't take much notice and still try to pull their temper tantrums when they can't get their way. Only then doesn't it become harder to play the broken record technique. I will get better and the more times i say no to someone else and i realize i am actually saying yes to myself. I am a yes person living in a NO world and i therefore have to conform to it because not leads to me being impulsive as well as being taken advantage of.

Slowly and surely i am gradually cutting down my pot usage. It's hard because there are times that i go to it out of habit and then there are the times where i really want to do it. I am still doing the poppers unfortunately, but maybe that will be my next hurdle to tackle. I am keeping my hands busy by making friendship bracelets for just about everything. It's an interesting hobby and i think i am going to branch out and try a new pattern very soon. The chevron is getting a little old and i have made it a lot so that i can say that i mastered it. If you have any tips on how to read the patterns they would be greatly appreciated as i am not the greatest at reading them right now. I am hoping that will come with time as well.

It's holiday Monday and since dad and i spent yesterday have a tiff. I am at home partying...well just chillin' on the porch and havin' a few drinks. It's so nice when i have my mellow music (John Mayer, Jack Johnson, the Fray, etc.) Puts me in a mellow mood and then the world is ok for a few minutes, or hours. A perfect escape!

So i got a message from a fan to get going on posting and that is what i am just going to do. Thanks forall the support from my readers, each and every one of you means a lot to me! Xoxo Sg

one giant bunch of horseSHIT

I want to say FUCK YOU and leave me alone. It's so hard. I thought she was my second very good friend and don't worry Bffffffff, she could never replace you! She and her boyfriend have turned completely. I can't do certain things because of restrictions put on me because i am out of control. They look at me like a taxi but because i am a friend and i have allowed them to treat me in not good ways because you teach people how to treat you, which i am guilty of putting up with it and now i am burnt out about it. I am disappointed in myself because i have allowed myself to be taken advantage of AGAIN and now my parental units have to clean up the mess, I feel terrible for them. They are stressed to the max, and all i can do is seem to screw up over and over again, or at least that's how i feel. I think they are jealous but they are hardly ever around. They don't like think the person and his crew that i am associating with. It's like the green eyed monster has reared it's head. The thing is they have chosen to stay away and distance themselves, and it's like i get penalized for that too, even though they chose to do it, i had no say. I restarted my appointments and am looking to go to detox. This is for real. It's fucking scary, let me tell you. I can't continue to live like this though, it's not good and i am not mentally sound. I am depressed most of the time and i don't want to do hardly anything. I question why i am here all the time. I just can't seem to get any self esteem boost. Those people i was referring to above are causing me so much stress. I get sick and tired of the b/f yelling and screaming at me whenever he feels like. Then laughing at me when i drove by in town is really childish and silly. Let's arrange for you to yell at me in person because i think that might be a little different. Anyone can say anything over a text message. It's an emotionless form of communication that is taking over. Interpreting texts is a rare art form and many people do not possess it. I am one of the people in the latter category, terrible at translating texts. I have to say i am guilty of writing full words too. I don't see the point in short forms, unless you are running out of space, otherwise though, i write every full word bc i might as well. The new eminem cd, recovery is absolutely wonderful. There are a lot of good collaborations and some of his best work ever. I have one of my flings that promised me a relationship now living in my town. Nothing has had with him and he's such a flop dick i hope he never does call me again. His promises were pipe dreams and bullshit so if you know what that concoction makes please let me know........... Stupid me that i thought that things would work out in my favour for once but no way. Nothing can go right for me.

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZ

me – Hello?

Nazrine – hello?

So i let her up and she says that she was just driving by and thought she would get the rest of her stuff. She's giving me the cold shoulder and everything and says “Maybe we can talk tomorrow”and then gives the most limp dick hug.

Note= if you don't want to hug someone just don't, it's useless and feels worthless

I was going to the wedding with them but they have done some stuff that mum wouldn't be able to bare to sit across from them. It should be an interesting night. Once the shit hit the fan, i had to put my self out there and say NO I don't like this and it's not ok. They still are try ing to defend their actions and make me feel like shit so i am pretty close to shutting the phone right off and just having a me night.

i have no idea what to title this

So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.

So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.

Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:

“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”

This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.

I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.

BupKiss!!!

Today is the day i get back to writing my blog. After i received the comment below, how could i not:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bingo Bango Bongo":

You haven't updated in so long! I love your blog, write more soon! xo

It fascinates me how people are still wanting to hear about my boring yet adventurous life. So i will start writing this now at 111 pm and then i will bit and piece it together.

First off my addiction is by far at it's worst. I don't feel worthy of change or a better lifestyle. My depression and other Mi's are wreaking havoc on me. I disassociate from my parents and spend their money like a fiend. It kills me when my dad says that i am trying to buy people's friendship but in the end when i analyze it or look, it appears that way. The way i think of it though is that i am helping out a friend that i would hope would help me out when i need it. I throw all caution to the wind and my impulsivity is at an all time high. I am afraid to go to detox because i am worried that it might not work but i have been told that sometimes for people it takes several go's before it works. I question what my purpose here is all the time. I am a 26 year old party animal and i am way old to be doing it. My celebrity example would be Lindsay Lohan, but i'm older then her too! I rarely want to eat, and if i do it's only a matter of time before i am ralphing it back up. I am trying to do a liquid diet for now because i know that i can handle that. My parents miss their old Sarah, and i have no idea what i have become but it is monstrous to say the least. I have even gotten to a point where i don't think i deserve any better so i just keep frittering my life away and being silly.

There's people out there that take advantage of me. I question how i attract all these people that want to borrow money and use my stuff. I must have an i'm stupid or take advantage of this one she's easy on my head. Or something that makes me stand out so that i am an easy target. Saying no to people i think are my friends is one of the hardest things in the world and i rarely do it. Then if you go by the “you teach people how to treat you model,” technically i encourage that kind of behaviour. How do i learn to say No? I wish there was a way i could learn and start using it immediately. There are so many things that i would rather not do and because i can't say no i get roped into doing them. If you have any suggestions or anything please feel free, if you want to tell me how silly i am or whatever your feeling, i always let my readers know this is an open forum and they can comment on anything that i write about.

The song “Nothing on You” by B.o.B (feat. Bruno Mars) is something that i am constantly listening to. It's a great beachy type song but the meaning behind it, frig it makes me wish i had someone that thought about me that way. Someone to cuddle and have a movie date with. Someone to pamper the odd time. Someone to cook and enjoy dinner with. Someone to love me for me, faults included! Other songs that make me think about 'him' are Perfect (hedley), Billionaire (B.o.B.), Airplanes (B.o.B.), Can't Be Tamed (Miley Cyrus), Not Myself Tonight (Christina Aguilera), Over (Drake), plus there's a few classics like anything by Jason Mraz, the Eagles, RHCP, STP, Katy Perry and Ke$ha, that's just to name a few.

I have been making an effort to keep my house clean. Keep the dishes tidy, got all my laundry up to date. The one thing that i don't do enough of is vaccuming and with having Abby and Zoe, my cats) it's something that i need to be more on top of. There's something that i hate about doing it. Maybe it's the fact that if i do it, i know in a matter of seconds it's going to have hair on it again. I think that i need to add to my routine that once i finish doing the dishes i also vaccuum, but it depends because i am not vaccuming at some stupid time and annoying my neighbours because i'm not a jerk like that.

The weekend of July 3^rd i have a wedding to go to. It's my cousins and it is my first wedding as a guest. It is also the first time i have seen this side of my mum's family in quite a long time, i would guess about 5-7 years. I am a little worried because i know that some of them know that i am battling addiction(s), but i don't want that to be the focus. I want to be looked at like a regular person, not some handicapped or addicted person. I kind of wish that my mum didn't tell them some of the stuff that is going on right now but i can't be a total controlling asshole because she needs to vent too. Geez my mum probably feels like she is going through Hell everyday, so she has to talk about it to someone. She can't just keep it inside and let it eat away at her, that's how people get sick, and i know that both my parents are highly stressed right now, and yes, sadly it is majority caused by me. It's almost like everything i touch right now turns to shit.

Writing all this makes me feel better a little bit because i can say what i want. This is my space and i will use it however i choose. I want people to be informed about the marijuana poppers and what a bad thing they are to be addicted to. If one person can read this and see what path it could possibly take them down, or even relate to this, it might help or prevent something from starting. My parents informed me that i have been going through this addiction for about 2 months now. In a way it seems short but then again it feels a lot longer then that.

So the last few days i have been going over a list that i have generated of who i have had sex with and then another list of people who i have done stuff with. I have had sex with 10 people and 4 of those people were 'trophies'. I have done stuff with 17 people and 9 of those people were 'trophies'. There is one person that i want to do both or one of the categories and he is a 'trophy' as well. Sometimes i think that is a lot of people but then i factor in that i am 26 years old so that's not bad. When someone that is 19 that has a track record that is like mine, that's a little more 'interesting' is the word i will use for safety purposes. I have no idea why i told you this but my list was here and then i just thought while i was looking at it that i would write about that on the blog.

My apartment got re-arranged about a week ago, and i am happy to say that i have an official office desk with majority of my office needs on it. I can sit at the laptop on one of my kitchen chairs and it is just right. It feels comfortable and has everything, and it's right by the door which i like. Looks like a working apartment instead of just a party place or crash pad.

I am very excited to go see SITC 2. The first movie was really good and me being a fashion-holic loved everything about it. I never really watched the series so the movie was awesome but i never really did anything to download the seasons or anything. I am just happy watching the movie and not really knowing the back story. That's a major faux pas in the film world i know.....sorry!

I finally broke down and got the wii fit plus with the balance board. It tells me obese all the time but i think that's really negative so i ignore it. I love playing the snowball game, it's one of my favourites. I am just starting to break out and try a few more of the games. I will say that it has helped me because i always want to know what my wii fit age is. I have been lucky to get 20 sometimes and 50 others. I have noticed my Centre of Balance has improved though since using it. I've had it for approximately 2 months or maybe a little bit more. It was kind of expensive but it's worth it for me because then i can exercise at home without having to worry about people watching me or what i look like.

Time and again i try to make others happy before myself. You would think that the people i am trying to make happy would be impressed but all i can seem to do is cause problems and make people unhappy. So many people are disappointed with me right now, most of all myself. I wake up every morning wishing i didn't exist. My depression is getting worse as each day goes by. I need to gain the courage to want to help myself. I need to want more for myself and know that i can do better. If i am the only person that doesn't believe this then maybe i can rely on particular people to help me with such an issue. I feel so guilty all of the time and i hate myself with such a passion. I hate what i have become. Visions of the old me pass by like a runaway train without a cause. Just racing, no looking back or forward, full tilt.

BOOK NOOK – 2 good reads – The Book of Negroes (great story, and it felt like i was actually on a journey with the main character.)

-My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler is my hero!)

Bingo Bango Bongo

My two good friends are having a fight which was (instigated by the fourth person in our little family). I have tried very hard today to not mention him and stuff, i need to think more of myself. I am not just someone's cash cow and that's what this person treats me like. I am really starting to not like how he ruins outings and makes the mood complete utter shit. The friends are fighting for the life of their relationship. He's sleeping in bed, has acted like a jerk and we sit here upset and stressed. A little mission had been strewed because the 4^th is a jealous little jerk. It upsets me that he being around ruins everything in one way or another. When one person has that much control without really be given in it in a formal way. It's sad how people blame themselves for problems that aren't theirs. Taking responsibility for someone's addiction is the wrong approach. I believe that it is the choice of the person whether they do it or not. It is unfair for the user to blame people for choices they have made when there was a better option and choice available. I would and never do blame my addiction on anyone except myself. Addiction is a rough path i am learning, and if it's not one thing it's another thing. I have a long road ahead and there are some certain goals that I have set for myself : calling detox and getting some questions answered, trying to do more positive self talk and create boundaries towards people that are triggers, and to smoke less poppers by a considerable margin. I thought these were three goals that would be attainable yet challenging at the same time. I know if i have a good day i can accomplish the detox stuff and the cutting down. Starting tomorrow i am going to make a concerted effort. Let's see how this works out.

Btw, i went to bingo tonight for the first night. Man is it ever fun. It's a very good time when you go with the right people, luckily i know those special people (THANKS GUYS....win BIG money!) When someone is just explaining to you how bingo works it sounds really overwhelming and unable to comprehend. Getting the hall was interesting because it is a hall strictly for bingo, it looks a bit ghetto but gets the job done. When i heard my lucky number called i got excited the first time, everyone in the hall looked at me....what else is new. It's a game that can be played as leisurely as possible or as quick. AND ...........did i mention it's buckets of fun!

Letter of Concern

Dear *****,

Writing this letter breaks my heart. A long time ago it was you and me that were family and then you introduced $$$$ and $$$$ and they became family as well. I tremble with sadness because what I thought was a strong friendship crumbles right before my eyes. You are my best friend and i would do anything for you. I would never let you be without shelter, food or any other bare necessity. I consider you a friend and could never see one without. You say that i don't understand that you have to have your own room, I do understand. I never really had a place that was all mine till I got my apartment. There's freedom and what more could you want. There's also loneliness and depression though. There's times where you literally stay in bed and do nothing. There's days when all you eat is take out because you can't be bothered to cook for yourself. I've had my mental illness for 11 years now, but when you ask me for solutions in your life i can't offer an answer because i don't really like my life and it's not going so shit hot right now. When you and I fight i feel like the worst person in the world. It makes me question why you and i are friends because i can be so horrible. I have only been in the situation once where i had to leave the car and the driver would not left me and I lost it. I realize that you took responsibility and wanted to make sure that nothing happened but you should have let me out. I got more emotional and upset every second. You probably are thinking what a drama queen. I find it sad that you feel you have no family. I have tried everything that i can possibly do to help you but you don't realize that i even put myself in bad situations to help you. I drop everything when you call and want to make plans, because i am so excited that i get to hang out with my *****. I have even noticed that when we hug it's just different, when you and i hugged it was like best friends do and it makes everything feel better. A person that cares and knows you care about them too. My head constantly races and you are one of the main topics. If i could wave a wand an make it better for you i would. Hell, i might get greedy and send some better living my way. You don't want to end up like me, 26 a single lonely bitch that has nothing to show for anything. When Nikki, Jesse and myself are deciding that we want to do something we always ask you and find out whether you want to join us. True friends do that.

As you already know i am dealing with a drug addiction and i am going through the motions to get help. I was saddened when you said that all we want to do is smoke poppers. I don't know about $$$$ and $$$$ but i can speak for myself when i say that i would rather be numb then feel any emotions outside of my range because of the uncertainty of how i will feel or behave. If you asked me what i think about my constant party lifestyle i would tell you that it makes me very sad for two main reasons: one being that i am 26 and hurting my health without a care in the world, two i just want to be out of it so that i don't feel sad or angry. Admitting that i have a drug problem is the hardest thing so far. Actually saying the words “I'm an addict” hurt. This is only the beginning of my journey into sober living so I am terrified and scared about certain things in the future: detox, residential programs, and heavy therapy and groups.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe we shouldn't be friends, (That's not something i want but if that's what you think needs to happen i understand. Not hang out as often (i don't think we hang out that much). If you have any suggestions i am open to hearing them. You know you can talk to me about anything, cry on my shoulder, get a hug. I just don't know how much longer i can keep being your 'fixer' when you don't think it means anything.

You are my best friend and if you think that cutting ties is what needs to happen it will hurt but i will respect your wishes.

Xoxoxo Sg

Oh man....

TUESDAY

I am supposed to go to a talk today to listen about how this woman struggled with her mental illness and how she got better. Personally, i don't want to go because things are not better in my life if anything dealing with addictions is hard. I just feel like i don't want to put any effort into anything today. I want to play farmville and just sleep. I want to go to Marble Slab and get my ice cream for the week but i don't want to hear a depressive story. I think that is just going to make me want to use even more. Sure this woman has and is coming out the other side of the tunnel, but today that tunnel just does not seem feasible for me. I have a very negative outlook today. Many things that i would normally be jumping to do i don't really care to do.

THURSDAY

So i had an interview for a job yesterday and since it's been forever that I have been in an interview, I have a positive feeling, whether i get the job or not. It was nice to be in a professional setting and showcase myself.

So i find myself getting really sick of the drama pirate(s) in my life and i can't stop myself from bitching about them. Being randomly snitty and bitchy with me, i just kind of throw my hands in the air and say fuck this. I still leave the situation instead of keeping my mouth shut and dealing with it but maybe that leaving the situation is the first step? I have no idea to be quite honest and the people/person that keeps being in a bad mood i really don't want to be around. They say they aren't feeling well and that they are tired but if you really feel that shitty don't come to a place where the vibe is good and then ruin it. If you need to talk with someone then do it. If you need a shoulder to cry on do it. On the other hand though, alienating people you consider family and friends is not a good option. The few times that i see this person right now i don't really even know how to deal with them because they are in such a bitchy mood or what have you.

My addiction has made me start to think and consider things a little bit differently. I want to get a job and be steady and working and then just chill when i come home. Top priority is getting a job, whether that means selling my talents or myself! I will do almost anything! I have started to ponder if i keep partying at the rate i am, how will that effect my health, lifespan and other things. I don't want to ruin any opportunities that may be staring me in the face when i am in a haze all the time. I want to be able to jump up and grab said opportunities and challenge myself with them. I like using my blog as my own personal sounding board. People can read it, laugh at it, relate to it and so much more. Don't really get any comments which i wish i did but oh well maybe people aren't comfortable leaving them... but FYI you can do it anonymously! Life is a struggle almost everyday and it's hard for people that don't have a disability or mental illness, but just consider those that might have one and how hard they are trying....that's my thought for the day!

problems, problems, problems.....

I don't understand why people come to an area that is having a good time and then bring the mood down just because they are having issues dealing with life. Everyone is having money troubles and finds life hard everyday. Some of us choose to get high and numb the emotions and take away the thoughts while others try to work their way through the problems. People seldom remember that there will always be that one person that stayed by them, helped them, and fought for them. The person that helps and is there when you need should not be thought of as a cash cow, or a lottery win. When they assist you should be grateful and think about what it would have been like had the assisting person not done what they did. Another common thing i don't understand is that when you start dating a person you have to be with them every second of the day and then if you're not there they have a fit. Yes, i believe there is the honeymoon phase, fine, i accept that. But to be in a state of constant honeymoon phase therefore leading to little to no time being spent with friends, that's ludicrous. Shouldn't a person be allowed to spend time with friends when they would like? I guess some girls expect their guys to be bitch boys and meet every demand. In a fantasy type way, sure, the idea is really HOT. In a reality type way though, it's not going to happen, unless you have the guy pussy whipped. So if for just a moment you could think of the person that has been there for you through thick and thin and consider the following:

-what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-why do i always want to get more out of that person? (unsatisfied)

I will give an example:

The person i am going to use in this model is my mum

what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-my mum is willing to do anything for me, especially when it comes to conquering my addictions and depressive feelings. She is there for a shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. There are many times that my addiction and actions upset my mum, therefore my mum has to deal with being upset, sad, frustrated and many more feelings. She risks her sanity everyday and will not give up on me.

Do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-No i do not. It is shameful to admit that but i am being open and honest. I'm not covering up things or hiding behind some curtains. There are many times when I get in a fight with my dad and i end up believing that him and mum are working together against me. I don't treat mum well in those times and i am very closed and defensive. I am going to work on treating my mum better because i believe it will help me grow as a person as well as better my relationship with my closest family member, my everything.

Why do i always want to get more out of that person?

-When i am fighting i always am agressive and mean. I can't just be calm and go away and take my time and get things together. I push people to their breaking points, just like a dog with a bone. I think the best answer for this is what i really don't like about that person, is more to do with what i really don't like about myself. I stand by that saying all the time, and have been and witnessed proof that i am guilty of using it or being the victim of it. Sometimes i demand a lot of my mum emotionally and am not satisfied because i don't really know or understand the response i am getting. I want to understand things, and sometimes i compulsively want to work at things till they get better. This technique doesn't usually work and it gets out of hand.

This was an interesting post. Thanks for letting me vent...........

Journal Entry for Today

This post is going to be a bit of rant but that's what i need to do right now.

I wish my dad would stop freaking out on me for certain reason(s) that are supposed to be done and over with. He keeps bringing up how my life is far from perfect and sometimes that it's really 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' if you will. I realized that my dad does not approve of the friendship i have with one particular person right now but does that have to be the point of everything in the end. I made a goal to say no to that person at least once this week and i completed it and i am still saying no to other people and things that i don't want to do. Ex. I was supposed to meet a person in Cannington around 830 the other night. It was around 820 and i had decided that i was going to stay home and chill and go to bed at a decent time, so I didn't get back to this person and i stayed home and went to bed around 9 pm. Certain things like that are a big deal for me. Usually i will just say oh come on just do it anyway but when I want to say no and avoid being guilted into doing the trip I feel that i am standing up for myself. I am not just going and doing something because: I want to hang out with the person because i don't really do much or that I am dying to see the person. Saying NO is one of the hardest things for me to do, as well as express my true emotions. When I say no I get this immense feeling of guilt, and i don't really understand it. Maybe i just don't want to be one of those people that always say no, but i think the underlying issue is more then that.

My dad thinks that he treats me well all the time, yet when he says that when we are fighting, it's almost as if I don't deserve it or am worthy of it. A lot of the time dad and I have power struggles and personality clashes, due to what I believe is the problem with us being so much a like. I don't like when he starts criticizing my life because it's not the way he wants it to be. Yes I am struggling with several issues at once and it is quite the cross to bear. On the other hand though, I don't need to be reminded when i get a break from thinking about it.

When dad randomly treats me as what i refer to as “a degenerate piece of trash,” I really get the impression that he is not supporting me, he is disappointed with me and the choices i make, as well as i am not being the best that i can be, therefore my potential is starting to dwindle. I was told by a very dear person that “You are the driver of your own destiny, and maker of your own future.” I found this a very empowering saying and i tend to think about it a lot. Maybe my idea of the future i want is not the same one that my dad has in his mind therefore, he finds it acceptable to freak on me since i am not living what he wants. That's not fair though because then it would still be about pleasing him and doing what he wants. I have to learn and start doing what i want. Stand up or reason with choices i make and understand there may be certain consequences. I have to start taking responsibility for my own life.

On the positive side: i have cut down my popper consumption a considerable amount, my drinking is not abused, and i have 2 possible jobs on the horizon. One a creative type deal, the other a CSR/ salesperson position. Keeping track of how much i consume for drinks and poppers has made me kind of use it as a tool to try and get lower and lower then the day before. I also was given a routine sheet which has helped, and been the first one that i have actually tried and it worked. I still have a lot of work to do on the addiction(s) and addictive personality but i think i have moving ahead in my journey.

For those addicted to the application known as FARMVILLE, i am progressing my way through the game quite quickly. Later on today i will be a $3 million farm owner/operator. I have two dogs, Max and Ralph and neither has run away. I have built a nursery for the foals and calves but it's already full so i need the expansion asap. Also, i have a dairy operation of 10 barns, 19 cows in each plus a bull, which gives me a calf almost everyday. I love Fv, i can grow things and design things the way I want and be successful at it!

I have become tired of ranting and pondering so i will be signing off now, Sg over and out.

A step in the right direction.....FINALLY!

Yesterday was interesting. It was my first meeting with my counselor regarding my drug addiction. We talked about a variety of things and why I made the choices and steps to start seeking help. My answer to that question was a variety of I want to feel better, I want to learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and what I can do to avoid picking up another addiction, which is the last thing I need. The lady said that I had a really good start considering most people don't call and make an appointment or if they do they don't show up because they are afraid of what is going to happen. I'm not going to lie when i walked into that office i was shaking like a leaf. I gathered up a bunch of pamphlets for information and stuff. Anything i could get my hands on to inform myself or my parents. It also opened my eyes to the variety of drugs that are out there, from hard street drugs to hallucinogens, to tranquilizers and other stuff. It's like the list of drugs that people have access to was lengthening right before my eyes. The one thing i really like about my counselor is that she is going to do anything she can to look for groups that deal with DBT therapy (for my borderline personality), as well as other groups that will assist me on my journey to sober living. Detox was suggested yesterday and i have till my next appointment to think about where i would like to go with that. Detox lasts for 3 to 5 days and is the start of getting you on the right track. It sounds good but i have some concerns so i am going to call the detox place and see what information i can get to answer and solve some of the confusion i have around the idea. Also the 21 day residential program was suggested to me as well. She said that it will take about 10 to 12 weeks to get it finalized before i actually go into a facility but she is willing to help me find the appropriate facility for my needs. All this information was really great and a lot to take in but i realize that if i want to do this properly this is the best way. I was really glad that i was able to go to my appointment and it actually gave me some hope that i am not a lost cause. That's definitely a step in the right direction!

FYI- i will be using my blog as my journal so that people can follow my ways and if they can get some information or help from it, by all means please do so!

Trust NO ONE

So i have been clean for 5 days, and just to prove a point i am not going to get st*ned tonight. Mum and Dad have supposedly put up a united front and want to be supportive which sounds great (on the surface). My mum wanted to send me to Homewood. Fine bring it on bitches! My dad 'gave me one last chance' to go clean on my own, which i have done for 5 days so far. They think that this one particular person is the disaster in my world, want me to ditch him, forget he even exists. I haven't said that i will do that. I have one friend "or so i think" that's what they say. My mum just wants to ship me off so that the problem is elsewhere and that's that. Dad thinks that because he gave me one last chance that he can talk to me like a degenerate piece of trash while putting on the mr. supportive face. I can see right through it now. So the lesson from tonight: Trust No One. I have been struggling and things haven't been so peachy keen but i have stayed straight, haven't made that phone call or anything. If i have to have the thought that he gave me one last chance and it hang over my head for the rest of my life FUCK HIM. He thinks he knows so much. Treating me the way he did in all cases was not acceptable. Fine I get the message and i am going to pull right back from them. I guess i will have to go to a generic help line when i need to talk to someone. Anger, rage, pissyness, all those negative feelings right now are what i am feeling. Can i say that i really trust anyone right now.... Nope. Those that i thought i did trust aka my mother and father, just lost it tonight. FUCK YOU. I can do this on my own and if they do anything i will fight back. I am not going to be their little puppy dog of a daughter anymore. They can find a new bitch boy/girl. It makes me sad that i can't even trust my parents but oh well, that's something that i will just have to get over. They think they are so high and mighty and that they can dictate who i do and don't associate with. WRONG AGAIN. We live in a free society where there is freedom of speech, expression and choice. Blaming someone else for problems that i have incurred and brought on myself, they are living in denial. I chose to make the decisions i did. I chose to smoke poppers. I chose to rather live in a non-real world where everything is numb. It's safe and that's the way i like it. Ok i'm not the most happy with it but it's way better then having to deal with two parents threatening me and harassing me. They want what's best for me but if this is their way of saying that then check your attitude at the door and try using some respect. My dad made a statement before this all went down, Gee you haven't been here for dinner in a long time. I wonder why... Everytime i see you i am given an ultimatum of who can be my friend and who can't, who i can associate with and not. At 26 you would think that i am old enough to choose my friends now, especially without the assistance of two loner parents. For example, my mum is in this loveless relationship that is just break up and get back together...wow that's a good example. My dad has no friends.... yet again, another good example. They don't want me to hole up in my apartment and do nothing yet they don't want me to go out with people either. Sounds fucked to me.

It is totally unnecessary to knock someone down when they are already skimming the bottom of the barrel and dealing with addiction. They need love and support. Saying 'you can't do this this' and 'don't fuck up' gets them nowhere. If anything it make me want to get that gram of pot on speed dial. Life isn't wonderful and so why not just go through pretending that you don't exist. My parents have put so much on me tonight that I REFUSE to call for pot. I will take a drink though. I can at least have that and not get in trouble or threatened for having one. Knowing my luck though they will say that i broke the rules and punish me some more.

TRUST NO ONE, that's all i can say. Look how far trusting the ones i love most got me.....

Stuff...

I am on a mission.

While trying to quit doing poppers for the second time, i am going to keep myself busy with home improvements. I promised my mum that if i was going to smoke pot it was going to just be pot, not poppers. I failed at that but i am trying to go clean again. I don't know what it is that i like about them. After prolonged periods of time i become wheezy and my asthma gets out of control and that leads to hack attacks among other things. The reason that i do pot is so that i can escape from reality. I would rather be in a world where i am emotionally numb instead of having the ups and downs and not knowing how to control or handle it. Emotions are a scary thing for a person with borderline personality disorder. Being unprepared at how you will feel, the thought scares me let alone going through it. A common trait with people that have borderline personality is that they have a very addictive personality that at times can take over until there is an extreme ending (which could be bad or good, but from my experience it usually leads to the bad side of things). Imagine having a personality that was easily addictive, whether it be to food, exercising, starvation, gambling, drugs, shopping, and so many more. Just having one is hard to deal with but when you have multiple addictions that's when it gets really tricky. You want to be independent and manage them all on your own, but for some reason you just keep putting it off and putting it off. My addiction to pot has lead to another episode where i feel like complete and utter shit. I know this is going to happen and what the end possibility is going to be but for the life of me, why do i continue to go back to habits that are destructive. I have to make a concerted effort to want change, and believe me when i say i want change. I need to take each day as it goes and work on it itself. I have to realize there are going to be times where i slip back into my old ways but i have to acknowledge that and start over once again. Failure is hard to compete with but if i keep trying it's not really failing then is it.

Things i want to do include:
-get a plant and learn how to take care of it
-take down the plastic that was covering my screen, which i have partially completed
-take out all the staples that were holding said plastic to the screen (i have done one panel so far, this job is not only frustrating and monotonous, but it just plain sucks. i think i will have to do it whenever i have time and want to do it.)
-get rid of the mess on my kitchen table
-take out the garbage and keep it tidy
-clean the washroom
-laundry (which is piled high, and includes that from my trip which was a while ago)

Other activities include:
-going to my cope group, learn to work on my self esteem and self confidence
-maybe explore something regarding getting my BA in something..... maybe literature, psychology, etc.
-get a job, get back into a routine
-go to my walking group
-go to the movies
-write on here more!
-chronicle my thoughts and ideas
-teach myself to cook

BPD

So i am reading this book called STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS. It's for people that are dealing with a family member/significant one/friend, etc. who has Borderline Personality. I have read the first few chapters and it's really interesting but in the same way it's scary. At one point or another i have possessed/done all of the traits and characteristics. I feel bad because i realize how much havoc i have wreaked on peoples lives. All my relationships ended horribly because of my illness. What makes me think and sad about that is that i didn't know i had. It's only in the last few years that i was diagnosed with BPD. I have been through a bunch of meds and take a large quantity just to stay stane or partially "normal". When i was initially diagnosed, it was very upsetting but it also explained why my range of emotions is so small and why i do some of the things i do. There was a time in my life where i hated my mum for 2 years, and my mum is so special and important to me. Some of the stuff i said to her was just plain brutal and cruel. I regret the way i behaved when i actually sit and think about all the shit that i did and said to her. I wanted to post this here because i just recently added the title "i'm mental so what" as a label for my posts. BPD is very confusing but if i read this book i might be able to learn how to deal differently (hopefully better). I have already decided that i want to sit down and ponder what some of my triggers are. I think knowing this information may be a step in the right direction on dealing with something before it happens. BPD is often accompanied by anxiety, depression, and some other not nice things. One thing i want to write though, People with BPD do not have multiple personality syndrome. It has more to do with experiencing a range of emotion containing : sad, angry, or nothing/blah. I also feel that i have trouble expressing and dealing with emotions, it's like i am scared to have feelings because i don't know how i will react. Crying in public is hard for me to do and when i do it at the movie theatre i feel like a giant ass. My mum, my biggest supporter, says that crying is a good thing and that i should do it more often. I wish it was that easy. I understand that it might make me feel better with releasing it but for some reason i just have a hard time getting to a point where i can release like that. I need to stop reverting to bad habits for escapism, or if i want to escape do it in a more appropriate way. The book says there a bunch, like millions of people, that suffer from this. If i could reach one or get to conversing with one that would be an interesting idea. It might be cool to see how much we are alike and learn different techniques on how to deal with things. I am going to be doing some more research in this area, check out a suggested website and then give some feedback as to whether it is any good for someone with BP or someone trying to understand living with a person with BPD