Stuff...

I am on a mission.

While trying to quit doing poppers for the second time, i am going to keep myself busy with home improvements. I promised my mum that if i was going to smoke pot it was going to just be pot, not poppers. I failed at that but i am trying to go clean again. I don't know what it is that i like about them. After prolonged periods of time i become wheezy and my asthma gets out of control and that leads to hack attacks among other things. The reason that i do pot is so that i can escape from reality. I would rather be in a world where i am emotionally numb instead of having the ups and downs and not knowing how to control or handle it. Emotions are a scary thing for a person with borderline personality disorder. Being unprepared at how you will feel, the thought scares me let alone going through it. A common trait with people that have borderline personality is that they have a very addictive personality that at times can take over until there is an extreme ending (which could be bad or good, but from my experience it usually leads to the bad side of things). Imagine having a personality that was easily addictive, whether it be to food, exercising, starvation, gambling, drugs, shopping, and so many more. Just having one is hard to deal with but when you have multiple addictions that's when it gets really tricky. You want to be independent and manage them all on your own, but for some reason you just keep putting it off and putting it off. My addiction to pot has lead to another episode where i feel like complete and utter shit. I know this is going to happen and what the end possibility is going to be but for the life of me, why do i continue to go back to habits that are destructive. I have to make a concerted effort to want change, and believe me when i say i want change. I need to take each day as it goes and work on it itself. I have to realize there are going to be times where i slip back into my old ways but i have to acknowledge that and start over once again. Failure is hard to compete with but if i keep trying it's not really failing then is it.

Things i want to do include:
-get a plant and learn how to take care of it
-take down the plastic that was covering my screen, which i have partially completed
-take out all the staples that were holding said plastic to the screen (i have done one panel so far, this job is not only frustrating and monotonous, but it just plain sucks. i think i will have to do it whenever i have time and want to do it.)
-get rid of the mess on my kitchen table
-take out the garbage and keep it tidy
-clean the washroom
-laundry (which is piled high, and includes that from my trip which was a while ago)

Other activities include:
-going to my cope group, learn to work on my self esteem and self confidence
-maybe explore something regarding getting my BA in something..... maybe literature, psychology, etc.
-get a job, get back into a routine
-go to my walking group
-go to the movies
-write on here more!
-chronicle my thoughts and ideas
-teach myself to cook