Life Support

Life Support by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This book did not near meet what I was hoping for. I was expecting a medical thriller like Gerritsen's other book Harvest. This book really fell short which is a shame bc Gerritsen is a great medical writer. I read to page 360 and could not finish the book because i found it to be such a bunch of malarky. (the book finishes on page 369, and i highly doubt that i missed very much)



View all my reviews

The Buddha and the Borderline

The Buddha & the Borderline: My Recovery from Borderline Personality Disorder Through Dialectical Behavior Therapy, Buddhism, and Online Dating by Kiera Van Gelder
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This was a really great book. It took me forever to read though because I found it scary in that it felt like the story was actually about my life. I suffer from BPD and since i was diagnosed many years ago it has been a very strange roller coaster ride. There have been addictions left, right and centre just to avoid having to deal with my emotions. Mood instability makes it hard for myself and the others around me, and relationships are few and far between. Trying to comprehend what the actual meaning of being diagnosed with BPD was very tricky to begin with. Job instability due to moods and emotions. Going throught the phases of being fine and then all of a sudden you just want to take permanent residence in your bed because it's warm and safe, a sort of shelter that you can always count on. The one thing that I felt Gelder got completely right was that once you are diagnosed with BPD many people, be it pyschiatrists, therapists, counsellors, etc, consider you a lost cause. I have felt that way many times with my own psychiatrist and it is the worst feeling in the world. Any chance of hope you might have get diminished bc no one believes that you have any chance of getting better. I currently work with a therapist that helps me practice and understand the DBT rules and such. She has written a book herself on DBT therapy, which is also a workbook for therapeutic reasons. Out of all the therapies that i have been, I find that DBT is the most challenging as it expects you to practice some of the hardest skills (at least for borderline people), ie. radical acceptance, non-judgemental stance, mindfulness, noticing when you are in emotion/reason/wise mind. Without the help of my current therapist i don't think that i would be doing as well as i am today. I have held a job for over 1 year, which is the longest yet. I am 1 yr and 1 mth drug free. I am going to school for a career that i truly believe i want to be doing. My self confidence has risen incredibly and i can stand up for myself (instead of just being a wet noodle like i used to be). DBT and my therapist have truly helped me and for once i am starting to think there is more to life then just being sad/angry/numb. Even though this book was hard to read because i could relate to it so much it definitely shed light that there is more to life. If you suffer with BPD, the journey is long and hard but at some point you will realize that it will start to get easier and it will be a huge burden taken from your shoulders.



SIDEBAR - THIS BOOK IS RIDDLED WITH GRAMMATICAL/SPELLING ERRORS, WHICH DROVE ME A LITTLE CRAZY, but if i use my non-judgemental stance and radical acceptance : it did not take away from the message the book was meant to send.

Tribute To Abby

So i just turned 28 on November 4, 2011. Probably one of the worst birthdays ever. I had to put my dear cat, Abby, down. She may have had a brain tumour and at the end it was so bad that she was in a coma and incontinent. She may have had little or no eye sight and she had lost all recognition. She would gaze in a trance most of the time. Me and my other cat, Zoe, are very lonely. We are relying on each other to get through this time of grieving. I have had strong urges to use/drink but i have been good and not had a single drop/toke. I am kind of in a trance myself. I don't really feel like myself and any emotion whether good or bad just registers as nothing. I don't really care about myself which is not good and can sometimes put me in compromised situations. The worst part of it all was slowly watching my AbbyCat fade into a nothing-type state. She didn't want to eat and could hardly move. I can only imagine what the world looked like to her near the end, if she even noticed it all. My therapist said to do anything i need to avoid self medicating with inappropriate substances. I have just chosen to stay away from them altogether but damn! It would definitely help. What i would give to feel numb again, especially right now. I don't feel happy and today i should be happier then a pig in shit. I went for my last appointment at the fracture clinic and got to be completely cast-less. It's been 3 months since i've been able to be totally independent, from showering to driving. The driving i missed the most. You never really realize how hard it is to be a passenger. But getting back to my point, bc i feel so depressed i can hardly smile or be joyous. I have turned inward and don't really want to talk to people. Sometimes communicating with family is difficult but it's not their fault so i make the extra effort. Before i had to put Abby down i was edgy, always wondering if i was going to find her dead. It was one of the harder things i have ever had to experience.

I want to remember the good things about Abby:
-we saved her life when she showed up at the farm, so anaemic she was barely existing
-she loved living at the farm
-she really enjoyed laying out on the pavement when it was warm and sunny
-in the winter, i remember her being curled up under the heat lamps nice and toasty
-sometimes i would put my gloves underneath her body so they would get extra warm under the heat lamp
-she loved to eat, food was her passion in life
-when she moved the apartment with me she made a perch on top of the couch
-she would sit on her perch staring out the patio door for hours
-in the summer she would lay out on the patio and just be a beach bum minus the beach
-she loved playing with her toy ferrets
-eventually, she would play with anything that would rattle when she batted it around
-the kitty condo was her sanctuary and i'm sure if she could have gone in the hammock she would have
-she had the most loving gaze, it was something that would truly melt your heart
-when i came home from work or something, she would greet me with a friendly meow
-even though her and Zoe had tiffs, they were the best of friends
-they would bake in the sun together on the warm days of summer
-Abby was a really chill cat, she loved lounging around the house
-afternoon naps were something she lived by
-she loved Nana, and when Nana visited she would be with her non-stop
-Nana always babied her and she loved it
-when she purred she sort of murmured like a pigeon
Dear Abby,
Zoe and I miss you every day. It's really lonely without you but we are glad that you aren't suffering anymore. We hope to meet you at rainbow bridge.

Half Broke Horses

Half Broke Horses by Jeannette Walls

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This is a great prequel to The Glass Castle. In a way i wish that i read this book first. It would have given me great background as to why jeannette walls mother RoseMary was the way she was. Walls has this wonderful way of telling the story. It's like you don't want to put the book down for fear that you might miss something. The story is in the details for sure. Always something going on. This book created the base for Jeannette having such strong family values. Although i wish that i had read this book first i was glad to be able to read it and get a more indepth history as to Walls' upbringing. Great tale of life on the western frontier.



View all my reviews

Night Circus

The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This book was pretty good. It captured the magic and wonder of the circus even though it was written for a different time/era. The characters were strong and they were interesting to get to know. It took me a little bit longer to finish the book but i think i was savouring the magic and creative details within the story. Although i found the love story a little lame, it was different then no other i have read. It all related to a challenge started long before the circus existed. The circus was a first of it's kind a there probably never would have been one like it. It was a pretty special book. Kind of reminded me of my childhood and the exciting time of one a year going to the circus and seeing the magic and tricks/stunts underneath this huge but incredible tent. Brought back good memories. I wish there was a circus like the one mentioned in the book as it would defy any magic there is out there today.



View all my reviews

The Silent Girl

The Silent Girl by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This book was alright. Not as good and some of the other books that i have read by gerritsen. I found the story pretty boring until about pgs 150-180, then somewhere in there the story got a little more interesting. The unfortunate thing was that i found the story didn't have an amazing climax and therefore i was left thinking "Yeah, so.........". This was one of the books where i found the characters of Rizzoli and Isles to both be very weak, which was another downfall. On the positive side the book was a very easy read, and there wasn't a lot of thinking involved to try and figure out the WHO?WHAT?WHERE?WHEN?WHY?HOW?. After reading this book i think i will make the decision to stick with her medical thrillers as that is where i think Gerritsen's forte truly is.



View all my reviews

THE GLASS CASTLE

The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This was an amazing memoir that proves the 'rags to riches' fallacy can be true. Walls lived a hard life growing up. Moving round from place to place, not really having a fixed address, or living in a house that should have been condemned. Throughout her life Walls faces toil and trouble, ie. gets burnt at age 3 making hot dogs for herself and has to go through serious medical treatment involving skin grafts, has a drunk for a father, experiences rape and perverts, and yet she still makes the story an amazing tale with her being the heroin and getting a university deqree. The dysfunction in her family is what makes the story even harder to put down. Her father implants in the children's heads that they will one day live in a glass castle and life will be perfect. A perfect life in Walls early years was far from feasible. At some points she had to work multiple jobs, ie. babysitting, doing other students essays/projects, working at small jobs, just so that she would be able to fulfill the duties of a parent so that the rest of the kids in the family would have food to eat. Although Walls mum and dad were quite flake-y, they did try to instill good values within their children, like the importance of education, how reading and writing will help with your daily lives, how to be resourceful without being wasteful, at some point everything needs a little love. Some of the values were taken to the extent which was too much, like helping mum grade papers and fill out her lesson plans to keep her teaching job, eating all the food till it was gone even it was rotten. New York ended up being the promised land for Jeannette and her brother Brian, and sister Lori. Once they escaped their parents they were able to make decent lives for themselves and live the american dream. Out of all the kids, the 3 of them got to live the dream and do what they loved. It must have been devastating to watch the baby of the family, Maureen, go down the same road that her parents did but once she left for good, one has to imagine that her life got better or somewhat improved.

This book touched every part of me, had me laughing, had me wanting to cry, had me feeling sorry for certain characters that would not get out of their rut. It touched every emotion possible and made you realize what you are to be lucky for. This book is a memoir but not like any other memoir i have read. It had more of a KANE AND ABEL feel but for an entire family, or at least the 3 that made something of themselves. The difference between this book and KANE AND ABEL is that the mother and father chose to live a life of hard work and poverty. There were steps they could have taken and chose not to, things that could have helped them out. The most interesting thing about this book is that the struggle of the family was CHOSEN by the parents.



View all my reviews

Harvest

Harvest by Tess Gerritsen

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


This book was absolutely fabulous. I was looking for something gritty when i went to the book store and the people were suggesting stuff and i decided to take this book. Then i started reading it and it was even better then what i had hoped for. For all those people who like their medical dramas, ie. ER, chicago hope, grey's anatomy, this book is 10 times better then those shows will ever be, even when they are in their peak air times. This book is down right dirty. Surgeons using words like 'cut' when opening somebody's body cavity during surgery, harvesting organs for transplants, medical jargon supreme. And another twist to this book, i didn't once figure out who was behind the crime, therefore making it even more fab! Tess Gerritsen hits this one out of the park and gives herself a chance at two homeruns instead of the proverbial one. LOVED IT (even minute, every heart beat!)



View all my reviews

A Secret Kept

A Secret Kept by Tatiana de Rosnay




I tried really hard to read this book and i just couldn't do it. I only read to 61 pages and i said to myself if it's not worth reading why waste my time. I can't even give this book any stars. I guess i was looking for another solid read like Sarah's Key. This book didn't even come close. The first 61 pages were ridiculous. There was a lot of jumping around in time. Lots of memories and stuff. I just didn't care and was very disappointed. So i didn't get to find out what the secret kept was....... :0(



View all my reviews

Enter the Dating Pool.......

So being laid up with all my injuries really sucks but it gives me a fair bit of time to watch crappy movies (there are very few good ones out, i know bc i have been watching them as they are about to come out), reading lots of books (majority are mediocre, still haven’t read a really awesome one in a while), do school work (at least it’s a decent exercise outlet for my brain), and to browse the dating pool on POF. There are people on there who write their profile 'about me' section and are straight to the point. Honesty is a great policy, never been better actually. Then there are people that are straight up about things that would be much more easy to discuss on a date, depending on what stage of the dating game you are at. Today a young chap used the 'meet me' feature on the site, my name and profile came up and he said that he would like to MEET ME. Wow! I'm honoured and i would like to thank the academy for this wonderful award......... wait.........that's a different time/era/situation. (I WILL ADMIT THOUGH IF I GOT AN ACADEMY AWARD AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE THAT WOULD BE FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC!) So i am reading the profile for DannyQ (at least that's what i will call him). It's pretty decent. He's 26, blah blah blah, nothing important, nothing important. He's got the standard standing in front of the bathroom mirror with his shirt off pictures. He's ripped which is always pleasant to look at. Then it starts! His interests include: SEX, hot tub-ing, WEED, sports, KINK, outdoors, driving, boating, partying, 420, cottage and FETISH. So as you can see interspersed amongst some decent interests are basically the makings of a person that is looking for something, as i would say, 'from the other side' sexually. That's great so even though this guy is not what i think is right for me, i decide that i will continue on and read his profile. This is what it says:

Hey all. Just an open-minded male, looking for an open-minded female.

I have my own place, my own car, and own business. I work-out often, but do enjoy being lazy at home.

Looking for someone who is on the kinky side. We can discuss this further, if needed. But just because, I am open minded sexually - DOES NOT mean I am just looking for a quick bang. That being said.. being a 'sexual prude', is not a very attractive trait.. in anyone!

I got a few tats now.. have my tongue, eyebrow and labret pierced
YES.. I am young looking. I know. When did ever become a really bad thing? lol

I am serious about meeting - and expect the same!

As you can see, once again it starts off pretty normal. Seems like a decent guy. He's looking for the same in a chick. Has his own place, seems grounded, all that mature stuff you're looking for in a possible dating candidate. Then the atomic bomb is dropped. Maybe he thinks that no one will make a big deal when reading his profile and he is looking for someone with a kinky side. It's nice that he's willing to discuss it further if needed. I mean come on, maybe there is more explanation needed, ie. Do you come with toys of various sizes and colours? OR.... Are batteries included? It's like the phrase “Putting the hotdog in the bun,” slightly modified but i would like to thank the Situation (from Jersey Shore), he used the phrase pretty well on last weeks episode. At least DannyQ states that he is looking for someone that is willing to stick around while sexually experimenting, not just a casual FUCK! That's refreshing, a kink-ster with morals. Maybe it's me just being a sexual prude.....he thinks that's a very unattractive trait.

Is that all you have to offer POF......COME ON!

Hey there !

So happy to have met you here tonight.

I opened an account at Plentyoffish, once again. I have to say i am not totally keen on the internet dating seen but i don't meet a lot of guys in my regular life so i thought i would try it again but this time i value myself more then before so really trying to stay away from the one night-er situations. I've done amazing so far. I had a weird situation only once but i doubt that guy will be calling me ever again. He started telling me that i had a sexy voice, which i thought was a compliment. It's nice when people notice stuff about you that you never really realized about yourself. So we are talking about stuff, ie. What we do for work, what we do in our spare time......AND then he starts telling me that he is going to spank his wank while he's talking to me. I have to be totally honest, when he told me that my response was “Are you kidding me?” in a question type way and when he admitted No he wasn't, i was very repetitive and said it again but with a more you've got to be kidding me type tone. So then he says that i can continue talking about whatever i want, but this is after he tries to convince me to diddle myself. Like frig bud, it's the first time talking to you and i really don't think this is appropriate. If i wanted to be a phone sex operator i would at least make sure that i get paid for talking to people if that's what they are going to do on the other end of the line. I would be asking for a credit card number asap and it wouldn't matter what your name was. ALAS, I'M NOT A PHONE SEX OPERATOR (just wanted to write that for clarification......although i'm sure that some conversations would make it here to the blog for an entertainment factor if i was a phone sex operator!) Back to the story..........So i am talking to this guy and he really isn't paying attention to a damn thing I say. He starts panting like a bitch in heat and I had to say “Are you for real?” He very calmly told me yes he was real and that he would appreciate if i helped him finish by saying “Matthew cum.” So i did, but it was more in a pissed off housewife way. You know like the wife that doesn't want to have sex with her husband anymore and it's like she would rather stab herself in the eye with a fork. Here's my example “Arghhhhh. Fine! MATTHEW (eye rolls accompanied with huffs and puffs) cum.” When i went to therapy my therapist asked the question why did you continue to talk to him, you could have left the conversation and essentially abandoned ship on that one. I said that's a lot better then what i have done in the past and i think that i deserve more, FUCK i know i deserve more then a 2 minute hand junky! I guess though i should have terminated the discussion when he asked me if i was a woman with a big butt. I don't really know any women that would say in a pleasant way “Yeah, I've got a big butt! And i'm proud of it” Most women think of having a big butt as a disadvantage and in most regular situations it is! I explained my reasoning on answering the question with a plain and simple “i don't know”. Sure i've got an ass that covers 10 counties but it's not because i am happy with it, it's cause i can't lay off the god damn ICE CREAM! (but i didn't tell him that response because i didn't think it would help at all, knowing my luck he would've asked me if i would pour chocolate sauce on it and lick it off like he was having some bodacious sundae) So why didn't i terminate the convo after that question? Well up to that point i was just in shock that if this was that guys pick up routine it was L-A-M-E. But wait this entry isn't over yet because it gets better. He starts telling me that he met a woman from the gym and she was a lot older then him (his response was 43) which is a good 15 years. I didn't know what to say so i said, “well she must have been a babe” WTF was i thinking, she probably had a big butt too! So then he says that he had this weird encounter with her. They were having sex and then he put her underwear on and they finished having sex with her underwear ON HIM. That's right he was wearing her underpants, and he was very clear that he enjoys women in thongs. So knowing his luck it would have been something in the dental floss category. Now i thought, i was shocked before i heard this, but after, my jaw was literally on the floor. All i could say was “Oh.....” and the dot dot dot means dead silence. DEAD like ran over with a car and there's no chance of life ever again. So once i finished saying MATTHEW cum i said that i had to go out, even though i can't really go anywhere since i fell at work and have a cast on my right ankle and left wrist (yep broke both). I figured why prolong this conversation anymore, he was happy with that response because he had band practice or something. I vaguely remember him telling me what instrument he played...........oh yeah that's right..........the SKIN FLUTE!

So my final time asking this question:

WHY DIDN'T I TERMINATE/END THIS CONVERSATION EARLIER?

The answer:

Plain and simple..............

i wanted to share it with you!

Keep on laughing! I know i still am!

you've been warned

You've Been Warned by James Patterson

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


well i have to say that i found this book hard to put down but it was more for trying to find out what the hell was going on. there was a lot of back and forth of when the time was. then at the end of the book the author's note says "what you just read is the nightmare of anybody who believes in the afterlife. Obviously the story is an allegory about the horrors of an eternity in Hell." So after reading that i was just like are you freaking kidding me. That sort of explains the whole begging and pleading at the end of the story. BUT COME ON james patterson, you're books don't need to reach that far. They are usually quick reads (which this one was), that have a really specialized killer/criminal that is trying to make a point. Like really, do you need to get into the religious sector. I'm sorry buddy but you're no dan brown and certainly no Ken Follett.

Needless to say, i'm still shaking my head at this one.
:0k



View all my reviews

FEAR THE WORST

Fear the Worst by Linwood Barclay

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book was great but then i was kind of let down by the ending. I had read 300 pages and still not figured out who had committed the crime and stuff. The character of Tim Blake is like any desperate father trying to find his daughter. Willing to do anything, no limits. I thought the relationship between him and his ex was bizarre in the fact that they were separated yet the wife made so many comments that she never should have left him. I guess that goes to show that it takes time to reflect on some of the decisions we make. The ex-wife's boyfriend was a bit of a buffoon which was kind funny. Had me saying "He didn't just do that!" quite a bit.

Overall the book was a good read but the ending not so much. It was great that the suspense lasted for so long though and that the mystery was tricky to figure out!



View all my reviews

eclipse

Eclipse by Richard North Patterson

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This book was very realistic from beginning to end. When quickly reading the afterword it was based on events that actually happened in Nigeria. The characters were believable. It was refreshing to see that the book didn't necessarily end the way most people would want, ie. the american saves the day and gets the girl. It takes the topic of genocide and throws the reader right in the middle of it. It almost makes you feel as if you are there amongst the characters, experiencing this travesty that happens in countries that receive little to no assistance. Legal principles and beliefs are thrown out the door and it's a society that revolves around money. Money made from the oil rigs in the bays, money used to keep people safe, money that has bought the government and it's followers. Very interesting take on a subject that i have not read much about.




View all my reviews

the con-function junction!

The lyrics from Lisa Loeb's song “Stay” are in my head.

You say I only hear what i want to.

So for some reason i decided to write this poem to certain songs. I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my mind for quite sometime. I guess the best way to describe it is that the words come from a place inside me that i very rarely show in person. I am getting better at asserting myself and trying but the road isn't always that easy. As you readers know, i come here and air out my clean/dirty laundry and i feel better.........relieved, actually. I decided to ponder and write down somethings that are going on in my head. My blog is always a sacred place to me so i figured what a good place to share what i was thinking. I wrote it in poem form to the 2 songs noted. It's still a work in progress but it gets down the 'bones' of what i am feeling.


MY VERSION:

You say i only hear what i want to.
But really you do all the talking, you do.
You want me to keep in touch,
but it doesn't matter much.
You want me to call to find out the case,
i know the answer and i think it's just a waste.

You say i only do what i want to.
That's true, it's just what you do.
You say i don't care, and that's not true
You are the one who doesn't care what i do.

(change song to Natalie Imbruglia's “Torn”)

I watched you change throughout your life
Never seemed to pick up on the real strife
You couldn't be that friend that i adored
You don't seem to care what this friendship's for
I don't know you anymore
It's not like when we used to talk
It's like a blackboard without the chalk.
The conversation has run out,
I don't care what you bitch about.

(change song to Lisa Loeb's “Stay”)

It's supposed be like you were never gonna leave
Instead that idea is just one reprieve.
Say you're gonna call, but you never really do
Say you wanna talk, but it's only about you.
You said that i was naive and, i thought i was strong
I thought hey i can leave, i can leave
And it started me writing this song
I really miss you but i don't know what to say
I want to talk but i leave it just for days
I want to make it work but it's never gonna change
You think we're gettin' closer but we're gettin' more estranged


So that's what i have and that's what i feel. I just tried to write it like a song and it was pretty tricky. It makes me appreciate those who right their own songs and stuff it's really hard. Just had to get this off my chest. I guess the main part is that i never changed. Ok, i did change. I learned to control, discuss and manage my emotions better then i ever have. You were the one that did change. You changed into a person that only cares about them self, and won't listen to anyone else. I don't know what else to say or where to go from here.

it flows through my finger tips!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEPTlhBmwRg&feature=feedf

So it's been a while since i've written an uplifting post. I have some theme music playing and i am just going to write till i can't anymore.

My head bops to the beat. A rhythmical up and down, slowly going through out my body. My fingers type like a gattling gun. Then the shoulders dip from side to side. If i didn't have 2 casts on i would crank the music loud and dance my little heart out. The theme for this little, happy outburst is MOVES LIKE JAGGER. Adam Levine croons to perfection and then there's the robust holler from Christina. The guitar chants to me at the beginning of the song, causing my air guitar to come out of nowhere.The flowing moving arms start to flail. The disco snaps fade in and out. The jersey shore fist pump smashes the air a little bit (i'm doing this with my good hand! Now i'm really into it bc i am watching the music video and it's even better. The sway of the hips. The flash dance type of scenario. AND LET'S FACE IT ADAM LEVINE AND HIS TATS ARE SEXY!!!!! The disco confetti flies and it truly is a party that everyone wants to be at. The only complaint i have is that the end of the music is pretty abrupt.

CHANGE THE TUNE

Something more mellow and chill starts to sooth my soul. Breath in, breath out. Take a minute and just let everything fade into the background. “You're the only thing i need to get by” gets sung and in a way i sort of agree. With who or what is a question left unanswered, it's not the answer that matters. It's the admission of the fact. Ideas start to run through my head. Times that i have been left by people that i thought would have stayed with me. Times that i have tried to leave things and i just couldn't. I'm in a better place and if i can reflect within the context of a song then fine, as long as at the end of that 3 mins or so i can let go.

CHANGE THE TUNE

Pounding on the piano chords. My foot starts to bounce along. The jazz bugles behind the beautiful song of the artist.

CHANGE THE SUBJECT

I started school on Wednesday of last week. It was the first night of class for my ECE Apprenticeship program. I think that my school has been my saving grace. With all the time that i have on my hands i have been productive and making notes. It keeps my brain active and it saves me having to rush at a later time to make them. The one part of my notes has gotten sort of scientific which i am not a big fan of. I really hope that is not a big part of this schooling bc when in highschool i hated science....and i still pretty much do. There's lots of theories and stuff and it's pretty interesting.

Listen to my theme song from the start once more and then back to notes! Nice break!

the second opinion

Second Opinion by Michael Palmer

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


this book had an awesome start out of the gate. there was lots of medical jargon and occurrences, it was almost like ER or Chicago Hope (tv medical dramas). then it happened, the main character met a man and started to fall in love, which turned her into a ball of marshmallow fluff (i am using that bc i don't really like it and it's a fake substance). he was constantly wondering about having sex with the dude and what he would think about her. it really detracted from the main storyline which was she was trying to find out who had put her father in a coma and wanted him dead. as the story plays out there's many twists and turns but the thing i noticed was that the writing started to get very lax as it went on. although i didn't see it coming from the beginning the ending was very predictable after reading it, and had me thinking "why didn't you see that coming". once i read who the bad guy was it was very hard for me to keep reading the book bc i just didn't care what happened any more. this book gets only 2 stars, would have given it 2.5 but that's it.



View all my reviews

how many times.....

So this is a picture of him...............

who- without naming names he's an ex of mine from many moons ago

how- not sure how he came into my brain

what- i just look at this picture and i remember all the good times and how much i cared about him. The passion, the fire. The romantic gaze from those ice blue eyes. I look at this picture and i feel like he is staring right into me and my soul. I can't get you out of my head. Maybe it's because i'm injured and my brain has nothing better to do then remind me of the past. Something keeps telling me to message you and see how things are going. What's new in your life? What are you up to? Then a giant part of me says no, don't go there it will just end up in a mound of pain and confusion oh yeah and my favourite partner....REJECTION. Things are different now. On the norm i have a job that i love. I have a decent/good relationship with my parents. I love to travel and make a point of going somewhere each year. So i was browsing again and i think i saw a picture of his and her cats. I think i am going to abandon ship on this idea............which may not be so bad after all. Stupid me.......now i will probably beat myself up over this for the next few days. Better now then later i guess.

What if- would i have liked the opportunity to talk to him and have a decent conversation, for sure. I guess i would want approval that i am living on my own and have been doing so for 3.5 years. I would want to show him that i am certainly not as crazy now as i was back then. I don't know why i want to prove something to someone that isn't even remotely involved in my life now, but that's the way it feels. I guess he still holds a place in my heart..............fuck............. i know he will always hold a place in my heart.............that's the worst part..................just knowing it :0(

RUN FOR YOUR LIFE

Run for Your Life by James Patterson

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


i have to say that i was surprised. i had read a michael bennett book not that long ago. there were several things that i didn't like and more importantly, didn't believe. this book was different i actually liked it. the killer was amazing and the fact that he committted murders in broad daylight in heavily populated areas was even better. the character of bennett was still lame though. this book was a quick read though and it reminded me of the old james patterson that i loved reading all the time.



View all my reviews

the art of racing in the rain

The Art of Racing in the Rain by Garth Stein

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


so everyone starts their review for this book by saying "wow it was written from a dog's perspective", and i agree with that but i also think it's a wonderful and challenging way to write a book. since we can only imagine what dogs think about our mannerisms it was refreshing to see how Stein gave enzo the personal qualities of a human. i loved the philosophy that enzo believed and even better that he states he watched it on national geographic. enzo's owner denny had more then the average rough go. he loses his wife, he almost loses his daughter (well he does for a significant amount of time), and then he loses his dog.this also brought to life the philosophy that things happen in threes. enzo has a vibrant personality and witty comments and actions that he thinks and does are what truly gives him an amazing character. he's a dog with morals and values and he certainly believes in karma, or king karma as he calls it. the ending of this story was a well rounded closure to a beautifully told tale. you really don't want the story to end but when it does you kind of channel the character of denny and are able to take a breath and smile.

ONE OF MY FAV PARTS- how enzo described taking the ride in the car on the race track. bark twice if you want to go faster .............ruff,ruff!



View all my reviews

THE HELP

The Help by Kathryn Stockett

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


this was a wonderful book. my personal thought was that the author, kathryn stockett, channeled the character of miss skeeter. the author has all the same qualities that miss skeeter's character has. i thought it was very very interesting that she would write a book from a perspective that she could relate to. i loved the characters of aibileen and minny. hilly had me disliking her right from the start. hilly got what she deserved and it still doesn't change her thoughts or anything, she is stuck in her racist mode. i really enjoyed the character of lil man and how he liked to hide things, like silverware, toys, etc., in his diaper and his crib. mae mobley developed into a well rounded un-racist child and that is all thanks to aibileen. well told story and definitely surpassed my expectations. the writing style was not magnificent but i will let that pass bc towards the end it was hard to put down.



View all my reviews

GIMPY-FIED = A WARY BRAIN

I APOLOGIZE BEFORE I EVEN START BC I CANNOT TYPE PROPERLY AS IT IS ONLY WITH ONE HAND. THERE MAY BE SOME GRAMMATICAL ERRORS AS WELL AS SOME CONSTRUCTUAL ERRORS BUT I'M DOING THE BEST WITH WHAT I'VE GOT.

Situation-

i was at work when i fell in the playground. I heard/ felt a snap in my right ankle. I thought that i would be alright and that i just needed to take my time getting up. As i tried to get up things went hazy and i passed out. I woke up wondering where i was and soon came to the realization that i had fallen at work. The 911 services were called and some firemen and the ambulance arrived. I was put in a temporary leg splint and wrist splint and i was ferried away to the nearest hospital, which happens to be 5 – 10 minutes from work.

Mental situation -

at the time of the incident all i could think of was “wow, you're such an idiot for doing this at work.” apologies flew out of my mouth faster then breaths. I was sorry about absolutely everything. You name it, i was sorry about it. I was worried that my job might fire me bc of the occurrence. I was afraid of how i looked. I was worried that the kids would be afraid of the people that would have to come help me. I wanted to be strong for the kids more then for myself. I was bombarded with negative judgements and put downs. Positivity was not an option. My brain was speeding out of control, thoughts progressing through faster and faster with no chance of slowing down.

Aftermath -

i have a sprained wrist which i believe is more then a sprain. I have a bone chip/fractured ankle. I have a splint on my wrist that cost $30 and a huge walking aircast on my ankle that cost $190. i have a prescription for pain meds that i only will take at night bc i don't want to be a zombie during the day. I am dependent on whoever is talking care of me. I can't hardly pull up my underwear and pants after going to the washroom. I don't walk i waddle. I personify what i would consider GIMPY-FIED. I am as useless as a fifth tit on a goat. I'm frustrated. I hate that i am dependent but i will do whatever it takes to keep going through this. I am not planning ahead to next week or the week after, i am trying to just get through today. Then, when i lay my head down to sleep, i go to never never land and i get up the next morning to do it all again. I hope that from some of the things i learned the day before i can refine how i do certain things, ie. Putting clothing on, so that it is a little easier then before. I waste my days (so far 2.5 days) watching movies and majority of them are bad. I can't put my hair up on my own and my mum has been doing an awesome job of being my hair dresser. The good things are few and far between but when they're there they make a giant difference. A delicious bowl of whole wheat white cheddar mac & cheese is comforting like a warm blanket. My cat, Zoe, watches over me at night when i sleep. I fall asleep petting her giving myself a different type of therapy. My other cat, Abby, is complete sass giving me dirty looks and avoiding being outside. She makes me chuckle a little bit. for live entertainment, she's pretty boring but it's the small things she does that bring a smile to my face. My mum brushing my hair gives me a touch of peace, just like listening to a waterfall. The coolness of a sip of water takes any sign of parching away. The words of my therapist “it is what it is” are a constant mantra to keep me from beating myself up with berating thoughts and ideas. The hum of the air conditioner and computer keep me grounded. My eyes are heavy and my body is week but not ready for the calm of sleep.

STATEMENT OF FACT: THERE ARE 2 THINGS IN LIFE THAT WILL NEVER LET ME DOWN. MY MUM AND MY BLOG. BOTH OFFER MY TROUBLED MIND SANCTUARY IN TROUBLED TIMES. THANKS FOR BEING THERE CONSTANTLY.

Lunch In Paris

Lunch in Paris: A Love Story, with Recipes by Elizabeth Bard

My rating: 4 of 5 stars


This was a delightful read. The words were like a comforting meal making you feel cozy and warm. The descriptions were written with great care and love. While you are on a journey that involves dishes that might belong in heaven, there is the descriptions of the wonderful city of Paris. Not only was the adventure in the Louvre just like one that i have taken in my imagination but it took all the poignant pictures to history and gave them a personality of their own. The Mona Lisa with that peculiar smile as if she is hiding something...but what? Only she would know! The glass pyramid constructed by IM PEI that gathers sunlight and makes it glaze over the floor of the modern day museum. It was wonderful and it was like the perfect journey to Paris only without having to leave your home, your comfortable surroundings. Pure bliss.



View all my reviews

A Case of Need

A Case of Need by Michael Crichton

My rating: 3 of 5 stars


I enjoyed this book bc it was about the taboo topic of abortion. The characters were well developed and the main character of John Berry was interesting to follow. Another thing i really enjoyed about this book was the scattering of medical jargon within the text. It was like a reality episode of ER or some other popular medical drama. Although i have seen the subject of an abortion going wrong and the patient dying, this was a very good perception. The one thing that wasn't believable was the timeline. I highly doubt that all of the content could have happened within a week, and that made it a little less believable. The ending was a little predictable but was decent and packed with lots of action, which made me want to keep reading and finish.



View all my reviews

Carriers by Patrick Lynch

Carriers by Patrick Lynch

My rating: 2 of 5 stars


This book is advertised as comparable to Hot Zone by Richard Preston. The only similarity between the two books is that they both involve serious viruses that are terminal. The layout of the book was poor and the characters and story line were very bland. I am being quite harsh with this book because Hot Zone is my all time favourite and it's very hard to beat. I did like the twist this book took when the Indian government sent the soldiers in to find the girls and irradicate the illness by killing it's carriers/host. That was very interesting and indepth. As for the ending, it was very unbelievable and silly.



View all my reviews

I deserve better

I've never felt so under appreciated and unwanted as now. It all started yesterday and has rapidly declined.

Dad spoke to me early in the morn yesterday and said, “I haven't seen you all week. I would like to have you over for dinner.” I said sure and was looking forward to that. I knew that he had a prior engagement to help a friend with a job. Around 137pm i receive a message on my voicemail saying “Hi Sarah! I'm going to X's for dinner. Bye.”

I WAS PISSED. Dad made a huge song and dance that he hadn't seen me all week and that we would reconnect at dinner. When i was going through my issues with drugs, I did this to him several times. I relive it constantly all the time as it still gets thrown in my face what a bad daughter i was.(i was bad, i'm not denying it but i have learned from my mistakes and had to pay for it dearly.) So when my dad does it to me he thinks that he should just get away with it and that whatever excuse he throws out should be acceptable. So i was being assertive today and i told him that i did not like how he treated me yesterday and reminded him that when i did that to him it was a big production. He asked, “What was i supposed to do? I said i was going to help my friend and i couldn't let him down.” I said, “I realize that but when the friend mentioned that he was going to X's for dinner that Dad should have said No thanks i have plans with Sarah. But no he couldn't do that. He bailed on me and now thinks that i have no reason to be mad or anything.

Today.
I have had my ASSERTIVE discussion with dad and i had to say that i was hanging up the phone because i could not deal with him being indecisive and changing plans every 2 minutes. He was also saying things that were not pertinent to what we were talking about and just spewing random stuff. I had a cold shower and i decided that i did not have enough clothes to choose from for golf tomorrow. I had a pile of laundry that was clean at dad's house so i was going over to get it. I get to his house and i open the door and there is no one in the house. So i grab my laundry and leave a note and decide that i am going to see if he is down with his new 'friends'. Of course he sees me there and he starts heading back to his apt on his bike. I GROW MORE LIVID THEN I ALREADY WAS. I get more mad and i consider driving away but then he start waving me into a parking spot. I lost it. I was just like, “Holy you can't be without these people for 2 seconds. I just spoke to you about this.” He starts with the useless excuses as to why it's ok and that he has his reasons.

Then i hit the nail on the head. I said that I am tired of being put second best to people that aren't even his fucking family. He puts these people on a pedestal yet he dumps all over the people he says he considers important. I call my mum to vent and she starts to tell me how it is and that she knows what it's like because she put up with this treatment for 30 years and she finally put her foot down.

The thing that my therapist says that stays with me constantly is that “JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FAMILY DOESN”T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SHIT”. This is an example that i am going to use it. I am putting my foot down. I am a person and i deserve to be treated like one. I don't need him to keep doing this. It's clearly evident that he does not want to spend time with me, more like it's a chore for him. So fine, I won't be around to do that. I am just going to do what i need, and at this time I need to stand up for myself and be assertive.

Tat Tales......Of Woe and Not So Woe

So i was browsing around on youtube and i found some interesting stuff. I was looking at peircings and tattoos. This post might not be for the faint of heart so if certain things make you sick, I'm sorry! I found this subject really interesting.

EYEBALL TATTOOING

For those of us who want the white part of our eyeball to be a different colour, such as black, red or blue, this is for you. I watched the procedure on Youtube and it's quite intense. A person has their eyeball held open and then someone VERY CAREFULLY inserts a needle with ink and gently puts a little bit of colour on the area underneath the surface. As a person blinks the dye/ink is spread around by itself. This form of tattooing is highly dangerous and one slip with the needle could leave the person getting the tattoo blind. The technical name for eyeball tattooing is CORNEAL TATTOOING. Dangers associated with this procedure are blood vessels, perforation, hemorrhaging or infection. A man in Toronto was one of the first people to have this done and it took up to 40 injections to get his cornea the colour he wanted and for the white to be completely covered.





My Take – Wow! Some people are really ramping up the body modifications. I'm not sure what look people are trying to convey by doing this but different is sure it. Seeing people with different coloured corneas would make you look twice at a person. Maybe they want to be different or they have personal motives that are driving them to such enhancements. All i know is that i would never undergo this procedure. The fact that someone would have to hold my eyeball open so that it would be ready to receive a needle several times gives me the willies. Not something that i will ever see myself doing. The dangers are enough to scare me permanently as well as drive me away from even considering this minute figment of someone else's imagination. For those that are considering this, i'm not knocking it i'm just saying Holy shit you're brave!

LASER TATTOO REMOVAL

This is a procedure people get when they want to get rid of a tattoo for many reasons. The procedure sounds very creepy. It's like a klacker constantly going off and crazy speeds. This procedure says that it can get rid of any tattoo in any colour of ink. The light from the laser breaks down the tattoo particles into smaller sizes so that the body can emit them. It is suggested that there is little risk of scarring or damage. The sensation is compared to that of a quick snap by a rubber band.




My Take – Ouch! The sound of burning my skin off just to remove a past mistake is as likely as me getting my eyeball tattoo'd. Reading suggests that this isn't supposed to hurt but most people getting it done are using numbing creme and grimacing like the area that is getting done is going to fall off. For those that have big tattoos that they want removed it's going to take more then 1 session for it to be fully gone. Ya right....... going back every 6-8 weeks multiple times does not sound like pleasure. I can understand that it provides a person a second chance or a restart. It takes away the past. People are made to wear goofy glasses to protect their eyes but it's more like the doctor really wants to make them look like an ass so that they remember not to get a tattoo they will regret. Cruel and unusual punishment some might say.

So this is what i spent my time looking up this afternoon and informing myself about. It was interesting but scary. As much as i may dislike a tattoo i would never get it removed. I love all my tattoos but one. It's a little dark and doesn't look like what i wanted it but that's my fault not the tattoo artists. Some people say that it looks like a pentagram (which is a sign of witches). My reasoning for getting it was i wanted it to match my one anklet tattoo and also have a star in it. My friend said that if i was going to be in her wedding that i would have to get a special creme to cover it up because she would not that in her wedding pictures. Originally i said yes i would agree to it but then i thought about it. It doesn't bother me much at all. It's there but i don't notice it anymore because i have had it so long. Then i started to think that if said friend didn't like any of my tats would she want me to cover them all up. Alas the wedding fell through. I decided that if she was going to want me to wear this cover up creme that she was going to buy it because i don't care about it that much and if it bothered her so much then that was fine. It was a thing of my sporadic/impulsive past. Sure it doesn't look like what i wanted but it could definitely be a lot worse. The one thing about each and every one of my tattoos is that they remind me of a story or a time in my life. All tattoos should have a reason or story. Something that when you look at them speaks you as their canvas that they have decorated. Art has many meanings to people. That's the best part is that it's private and personal, yet creative and wonderful......ah the life of a tattoo!

My Afternoon Off!

So i am sitting on my balcony writing this blog post. It has been a while but what a perfect time for writing. The weather is gorgeous and i am sitting on my balcony, which i rarely do, and here is a couple of pictures!



I must say i don't know why i haven't done this sooner it's so pleasant....anyway on to the blog post.

So as we know i work in a daycare. I really enjoy my job because i get to be around kids and see some of the amazing things that they do. Kids have their own personality, whether it be creative, active or both. They say some of the weirdest things. Since I work with 2-3 year olds specifically, they are at the perfect age where they are learning lots and not really sassy. There are some that are sassy but not as much as you would see from kids that are older. So a co-worker posted this link on her facebook and it was something i couldn't resist looking at. It's for a book called Go the F**k to Sleep. Since the Day Nurseries Act says that the kids have to be on their bed for 1 hour per day it's truly fitting. Some kids aren't used to having naps but the usually get accustomed to our ways and they end up having a rest and the day starts in the afternoon all fresh and new. Please listen to this clip from YouTube, and try not to laugh too hard.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=56gdg2ntfwM&feature=related

I work with a lot of women which i have tried to do before and can i just say, having that many cats in the same bag is not condusive for keeping your sanity. Somebody is always scratching at another or there is a constant growl that lingers between certain people. I work with someone right now and i hate to say it but she has lost her passion. She's almost like Lynn Crawford on Pitchin' In, but with a more nasty attitude and demeanor. I used to work well with her but then i started noticing changes in her personality and work. (Now i want to state for the record that i am considered below her in the chain of command but i am still considered a real staff and my bosses say 'an asset to the daycare'.) This particular staff: favouritizes children (and if you aren't her favourite that sucks to be you!), she is forceful with kids and just not nice. I am unsure as to what i am to do about the situation for now i am just keeping track of things that i think are totally inappropriate. This makes me think about it though, you should never do stuff that you are not comfortable to back up because somebody could be watching. I never do anything at daycare that i would not be able to say this is why i did this. I try to keep with the protocol and rules and i also realize that if i don't i will get in trouble (and rightfully so!). I guess the main reason i am writing this is to partially get it off my chest. It makes it hard to go to work when a certain person is always delegating and being bossy and nasty when it's not their job. You readers listen and i can say anything that i need to you, wholeheartedly and with peace of mind. Now in every work area there is going to be a couple of bad eggs intertwined with some decent people. I have a couple of people who i work with that vouch for me and i can talk to them. I am shouting out to the them and saying thanks for being there.

Books. I LOVE BOOKS. They come in various shapes and sizes and carry literary goodness. Some like fact and other fiction. Biographic tales that inform us of people and their lives or troubles. Culinary adventures that give readers a true 'Taste' of the art. Educational excursions that take you to foreign lands within the comfortable realm of your home. Classics that reign true in our hearts and our minds. If you click at the bottom where my reading collection is you will find some truly wonderful books that should be read as well as were a pleasure to read.

Garlic and Sapphires – Ruth Reichl
Prisoner of Birth – Jeffery Archer
Kane and Abel – Jeffery Archer
Memoirs of a Geisha -
The Sharper Your Knife the Less You Cry -
Serve the People -
Steve and Me – Terry Irwin
Water for Elephants – Sara Gruen

Those are just to name a few but you will find many others in that list.

Well i have written a little bit. I hope to write to you again on the weekend!

Rain Rain Go AWAY!

So it's a rainy day and i have watched a movie at home and i thought it would be the perfect time to make a blog post.

MY FEELINGS
First thing i want to address is that i am really getting tired of people telling me how i'm feeling. It's usually they say "I can tell you're being (insert word here)." The insert could be: pissy, grumpy, angry, weird, and anything else. Then when i tell people that no i am not feeling like that they try to trump me with what i know you are feeling _______ so whatever. I am the only person that would know how i am feeling. Sometimes i feel blah or not so excited and that might come across as something else but i can guarantee that i know how i am feeling. This gets me the most when either i am just having a conversation with someone or i am have an argument. It's an assumption the other party is making and 9 times out of 10 they are wrong. For all those people that think they know how someone is feeling, it might be a good idea to ask them how they are feeling before you assume you know how they are feeling.

SEPARATION ANXIETY
So my mum decided she was going to help her sister move from Grand Prairie, Alberta to Jackson's Point, Ontario. My mum has started to use email to send me messages everyday. It's nice because i am able to write a letter of decent length in a short amount of time, as well as i am better with writing then i am with talking so it's much easier for me. Mum has been sending me some pictures of her journey and they are quite beautiful. She saw a river that was overflowing and getting ready to flood near by houses on the banks. I think that it is quite amazing even though it will cause a fair bit of despair and devastation. It just goes to show that mother nature is a powerful and uncontrollable force. I'm not sure if mum was in the area to see the flooding progress or not but if it was running really fast then it may have occurred in a short period of time. The wildlife that mum is seeing is amazing. She was and is in an area called Waterton Lakes, and she said she quite frequently sees deer and sheep wandering around. On her trip to that point she has seen some moose, various types of bird life, as well as quite a few dead animals on the side of the road. It's unfortunate but in the area she is in the wildlife is heavily populated so quite often they are hit while trying to cross the road and such. It relates to the circle of life, it's just sad to see such beautiful creatures have a sad ending. In my writings to my mum i am ending the emails off with 'i love you' in a different language. Yesterday it was Finnish and today was Spanish. I don't feel that i tell my mum 'i love you' enough, so with her being so far away i am really starting to miss her, as well as notice that i shouldn't take her presence for granted when she is around. This separation may teach me that i can carry on daily life though, but i really do miss her. Attached please find some photos of her and her journey! (Their pretty cool and i think my mum needs some fame on my blog site!)




NEXT WEEKEND
I was told today that my dad will be going away next weekend. I was kind of surprised because he asked me to watch Jdog while he was gone. He said that he would be going to a friend's cottage. I guess i was shocked so much because not only is mum gone but now he is going to be gone on the weekend so i will be all by myself. If you have any ideas or suggestions as to what i should do with my time next weekend they would be greatly appreciated. I think i will get some laundry done as well as a fair amount of reading because books are my Life!

THE WEATHER
The weather has finally turned into t-shirt and shorts weather. Yesterday was the first taste of a bit of humidity but there was a cool breeze so it was alright provided you were in an area that was getting the breeze. With good weather comes allergies. Itchy eyes, uncontrollable sneezes and congestion. As much has i dislike my allergies i am glad that the nice weather is here. It's raining today but that's ok we have had quite a few good days this week so i can't complain (not that i want to).

PROJECT
So a friend has asked me to make some mix cds for her so that she has endless music for a family members birthday party. I think this is exciting because i am always listening to music. With my iTunes collection nearing 25,000 songs (which is equal to approx. 63.2 days!) i gladly took on the challenge. I am hoping that i make enough mixes that are perfect for her. She has made some requests broad (country, 70's, 80's, 90's, classic rock, some slow) to specific artist requests (popular Eminem, Rihanna, Def Leppard, KISS, ACDC). I have a due date for this project which is the middle-ish of June. With me starting early though i am hoping to have it more then done before then.

SEPT 2011
So i have signed up for the ECE Apprenticeship Program which will be starting in Sept 2011. I thought it would be good because i really like the daycare field and it would only help progress my job and knowledge. I have started by taking the appropriate steps,ie. getting transcripts, mailing to appropriate person(s), and preparing myself for it's start. This is good because i am now registered with the ministry to begin being an apprentice. There is a book that my sponsor/employer needs to sign off on when i complete certain requirements. The only colleges that offer this program is Seneca and Loyalist. There is the option of taking some of the courses online but i was informed that it would be the best learning experience to take the classes. I am excited because i really like learning and school and this will give me something to do with my spare time. Can't wait to start learning about stuff that i will be able to apply.

the therapist says....

If life were a box of chocolates, there would be so many choices!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wp3m1vg06Q
Here is the famous I Love Lucy episode at the chocolate factory!
This episode makes me think of so many things. Good thing we all aren't chocolates in Lucy's box or we'd all be eaten!

RADICAL ACCEPTANCE

This is something my therapist is working with me on. The main point of radical acceptance is to accept things the way they are. It's like an 'is what it is' stance on life. Radical acceptance does not mean that you approve of something.
This is the definition that i found:
“Radical acceptance is the practice of accepting life on its own terms and finding effective strategies to cope with whatever is happening. It doesn't mean being passive, but accepting "what is" with the understanding that you have the power of choice. Practicing radical acceptance is a choice that can ease stress and depression and enhance your overall quality of life.”

Out of all the strategies i am learning/have learned about to assist me, this is the one that i find the hardest. It's like trying to live your life without judgements but harder. Hell, all the strategies are hard, and some drive me batty just thinking about them. This one takes the cake. I have tried to add things to my daily mantra, such as the phrase “it is what it is”. I was depressed one time and i actually bought a cake with the saying on it and every time i had a piece of cake i was reminded. This method may not be advisable as you could possibly end up eating the cake by yourself, but it sure did help me. There are some examples that come to mind, where i used this and it actually reduced mental anguish and anxiety. Eg. Not getting riled up or upset about scheduling issues at work, having a day where everything seems to be going wrong, accepting that you don't really like a dear friends boyfriend but still trying to remember that it is her choice who she is with, understanding that there will always be some type of drama within your immediate family. Like i said, some of these are easier to work on and deal with then others, but it's the fact that you notice and are trying to make a change in your life. Small steps eventually will lead to giant leaps, and sure there will be the occasional set back, but we all have those from time to time.
A good personal example for me was that i used to get riled up about the scheduling at work. I thought it wouldn't be that hard to do and it's all about timing and making everything go together smoothly without disruption of a well working wheel. I never understood why one person would have lunch at one time and then the next day it would be at a totally different time. It got to the point where it drove me batty.... so batty, i ended up getting sick from stress and drama that i had riled up myself. So i went to my therapist and said, “I need to learn how to deal with this so that i am not getting sick about something i have no control over, or power to change.” She calmly looked at me and said, “This is a perfect time to practice radical acceptance. You can't change anything about the situation. You have no power regarding it. It is what it is. The time spent worrying and thinking about it gets you more upset you and angry. Is it really worth putting that much energy into when all it does it make you upset and angry, and then you get more upset and angry when you vent about it or re-hash it.” So i took those words of wisdom and changed my approach to the way things were carried on at work. When someone would/does ask me “Why are you working that shift? Why have they got you coming back at such and such a time? Etc.” I simply just say “I don't know” and put my hands up in the air in the all around sign for i don't know, maybe throw in a shoulder shrug to complete it. Now sometimes i say it with attitude or roll my eyes, but in the end that is not the appropriate thing to do because it conveys my displeasure of what is going on..... That's where judgements come into play, and i am trying to work hard on them as well. Judgements occur every minute of everyday of our lives. Whether we are judging ourselves, family, friends, co-workers or anyone else we have contact with. The point is to notice that you are making them and re-phrase the statement to exclude the judgements. A wise person summed it up as using only “Facts and Emotions”.
Eg. (This commonly happens to me!) You're driving on the road and a person turns in front of your car when they clearly do not have enough time or it's not their right of way. I usually say something like, DORK!, IDIOT!, MORON!, or a long list of expletives depending on the severity. I should notice that i am judging, which i usually do, but then the next step is to take the judgement and re-frame it. So only using facts and emotions, re-framing the above (single word statement) “It makes me angry when people swerve in front of me on the road.” It's the long version but it is non-judgemental.

i'm still alive but i'm going on vacay very soon!!

Well here i am again apologizing for a long over due blog post. It's been quite a while since my last post and i have been busy and blah blah blah, excuse, excuse, excuse. What really encouraged me to write again was, i got the following comments from readers:

“i keep checking back anxiously awaiting a new post from your ever so interesting life!!! and nothing!!! get on it girl :)

from a fan”

“This is wonderful blog. I love it.”

“i wish u would write more about yr tats. that would be cool to know.'

So i thought to myself, my blog is not a site that people have to go to. Some find it in their travels, some look for it and well the rest, I'm not too sure about. But from comments like that, how could i not write again. It might take a day or two to come with a post that contains all the up to date information i want but i figured that people get something from my blog, just like i get something from writing it. People clearly enjoy reading it, whether it be hilarious or emotional, or my battle with my latest demons. I guess my blog is not only and information point but also a place where people can say in an informal way “I get what you're going through” or “I feel the same way”. Yep you got it, i have statcounter which tracks how many people visit my site. And over the last 4 and a bit years it's been over 18,000 people. Now for a blog that is just my sanctuary for me to write whatever i please i think that number is great. There are a lot of first timers but the thing that i enjoy most is there is more and more returning visitors. (I must be doing something right....right?) So a large apology once again, and i know you readers understand that life gets in the way but that is no excuse to pause the saga of SG!

WORK

I want to say that the people i work with are a good gang and especially in the room i work in. We enjoy the kids and we definitely are a good mixture of personalities that work well off of each other. Having a job that i like makes the most of everyday that i work. Work usually flies by and i have been employed there for 7 months at the end of April. I get to see children doing the most simple of activities, ie. Teaching themselves how to use a scooter, learning how to talk, developing social relationships, etc. As i watch these examples progress and move forward, I find it totally fascinating. The most recent being a girl that is in my room, taught herself how to use a scooter. She was resilient and kept trying even though she fell pretty hard a few times. She didn't shed a tear and she was determined to not let the scooter get the best of her. Now keep in mind the kids i work with are between the ages of 2 and 3 years old. So watching this girl progress and not get discouraged was a perfect metaphor for a lot of things. She could have let herself cry and get upset when she took her first tumble but because she is a strong willed young girl she battled that beast of a scooter and in the end triumphed.

TV
With another season of Jersey Shore finished, I am once again sad to see it go. I enjoy this show so much. It's a drama pirates delight. There's tons of booty and a large quantity of loot displayed. Snooki with her poof-a-matic hair (insert an air nozzle and watch it grow before your eyes), forget Jenni it's more like Jenni's boobs (Jwoww is my fav chick character for sure though). Mike the “Snitch-uation” aptly named by Vinny. DJ Pauly D with his defying gravity hair. Vinny (there's not much to say about him because he's my favourite guy character). And lastly of course, i can't forget to mention Ron (his laugh is like steve urkel gone wrong!). People that don't make my favs list are Sammi (the sneaky bitch) and sorry Deena but you make this list too because even though you're a blast in a glass you just didn't make the cut. Now if you haven't watched the roast of donald trump i will just let you in on a little secret, just because the characters on jersey shore are great on that tv show, doesn't mean they should try anything else, like the Situation tried to do comedy and sadly failed. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LtNmatV7-Ls) It's more like the introduction of him was hilarious and his own routine flopped...big surprise. And this version of the clip is also perfect for displaying when he FAILs! Sure opening your own tanning bronzer product line (Jwoww) or fashion line (Snooki) is a great idea but please STAY AWAY FROM COMEDY...

VACAY
Once again i am the trip down south to see and live with my other half.... my bffx7. I got a great deal on a flight and my job had no problem with me going on vacay. I am going to be spending my Easter Holiday with my bffx7. We are going to run the isle Rs&Sg style! Get ready Cayman bc you won't be able to handle it. We are going to eat and treat like queens. We are going to take horses swimming in the Caribbean Sea. Crystal blue will be our foreground and sky blue will be our back drop. I went today and got my travel insurance (just to be safe!) and the 9 days are going to fly by. I can't wait to have favourite meals that i look forward to all year round till i go. Indian, Italian, Ala Kebab, and so much more. I don't know but i might be even as adventurous to try turtle an island delicacy. So here is my dedication to you my Rs. You are the bread to my butter. The milk in my hot chocolate. The caramel in my macchiatto. You are the vinegar for my chips. The ink to my tattoo. Without one there is no other half. I can't wait to see you and be with you for 9 special days. That's a shout out just for you!

END OF UPDATE
I know i only gave you three categories and an apology but i will have time when i am on holidays to shout out to my followers! I promise i will keep you updated as to how my adventures go and whether or not i get another tattoo! Love you all from the bottom of my heart <3

Ps- I have been clean of my habits of pot usage for 158 days and smoke from ciggies for 67! I'm keeping up the progress and am more then happy with how i am feeling!

Round and round we go ...

I have come to realize that quite often people forget where they are from and who they used to be. This is a sad factor but it is a recurring theme in today's society. Since society focuses on the individual and where they want to be in life. Often this means, stepping on the 'little' guy or changing your morals and values so that they are more self-driven. Sadly, as each person tries to focus more on their selves, they forget the original person they were. Things that most people take on as adventures themselves, they employ others to do for them. Examples include: dogwalkers, nannies, cleaners, etc. Now while i am hiring a cleaner, i am also included in this self-fulfilling prophecy. There are a few reasons why i hired a cleaner: i hate cleaning, i am not willing to all the cleaning required by myself, i would rather focus my efforts on trying to live a happy life instead of cleaning constantly and being depressed or disgruntled, A MAJOR POINT: i know by hiring a cleaner on a regular basis they know what needs to be done to keep a healthy and sanitary environment. Essentially the way i look at hiring a cleaner helps to ease my depression and i can put all my efforts into expanding on my skills and schooling which in turn will help move me ahead with my career. Before when i was spending money frivilously on POT, i would spend at least 80-150 on my habit, so i put that money towards having a cleaner. I think this is a healthy choice because i am living in a better environment and it does ease some of my worries/depression. In certain areas hiring people to do such tasks is a norm. Now because someone has hired a person to do something for them does not mean that i am going to judge them. I understand that people want to move ahead with their careers, want to keep working while having kids, etc. Just because people hire others for them though does not mean that they are BETTER than everyone else. Society says that people are allowed to do things but the things they do should not make them any better then anyone else. Yes a millionaire may have more money then the average person but that is not what makes them a decent person. It's by how people act towards one another. The millionaire could be a miserable person and 'hate' life, whereas the average person could be a happy person and enjoy life even though they cannot buy everything that comes into their head. Many would think that the millionaire would have no reason to be disgruntled with life but this is a major example of "money cannot buy happiness". Many people that are financially wealthy are very depressed and have issues with drugs, alcohol or other substances. They involve themself with these activities because they want to numb the pain they feel or fit in. So when society starts putting people in CLASSES i start to question who is the inventor of this policy. The classicism issue is one that is administered most often by the government and they focus on money being the deciding factor as to what class they are in. Instead of bringing our country together this divides and quite often alienates people. People get put in groups by what they have and do not have. The Have's and Have Not's is unfair to people. Instead of people being individuals they are lumped into monetary groups. It makes me sad to see people that are struggling and therefore i will try to help them out. I feel that if i have some extra that i can spread to someone that has 'nothing' it is only fair that i share. Charity and donations in a round about way are a self fulfilling method. Anyone who gives to charity does so to help and the act of helping makes them feel good. So essentially when helping others helps you feel good, is society truly an individualistic way of life that we are all working to better ourselves? ...........some food for thought.

A place i can call my sanctuary

YeaH I'm down and there's nothing i can do about it. No matter what i try it just feels like i am spiraling down, down, down. My dad seemed to have me under a magnifying glass which does not help matters. It's like he points something out and i feel put on the spot and then i react. My reactions of late are not tempered and i get agitated and frustrated very easily. Too easily almost. i have suffered with mental illness for 12 years now and it has been a long and dreary path. The most positive thing that has come out of it is my new therapist who teaches me skills of mindfulness and not being judgemental. Mindfulness is about being in the moment and accepting how you feel at that time. The judgements are a little bit harder and more tedious to combat. Regarding the judgements i have to realize that there is not just black or white but there are many shades of gray. The variety of grays opens many doors and windows. With borderline personality disorderr, it is very common to have black/white thinking, so introducing non-judgemental thinking is a notorious task. Things are not good/bad, or naughty/good. There are the triggers that cause a feeling and then there is an explanation for the feeling evolved from that trigger. For example, I do not like that book because i feel it is unrealistic about the events that happened. That would be a factual way of describing why you do not like a book. Instead of being like the average joe and just saying "I don't like that," it's more about the reasoning and the facts why you don't like it. Using a simple phrase is easier compared to the non-judgemental way but the non-judgemental way takes the black/white thinking out of the equation. So to change the disposition of the beginning of this post would be "I am feeling depressed and see everything in negative light currently, therefore making it very hard for me."

Tonight is a good night for abstinence, although my mind tried to coerce me into having some pot. I have been very good, minus a slip up here and there (only 2) but i need to keep thinking that just because i fell off the wagon does not negate the progress that i have made. I am working with 58 days of sobriety from my habit that did not help me (another phrase without a judgement!) My dad suggested that i start over since i had my slips but i said there is no way that i am starting from day 1. I was and am determined to keep going with this. Tonight my brain kept taunting me saying "Oh you can have just one and you will be fine. One popper won't hurt." I say NO! Keep with the positive flow! If i can experience the emotions that i am having and remain clean for another night that is a battle well won. I did and am getting down on myself that my brain would try to fool me into thinking that it would be ok. It just wants the depression to subside for a bit but will smoking my brains out be a good way to put away my feelings. No! If anything i would much rather read and go to bed and actually sleep instead of be conscious and have to deal with my feelings. I think that sleeping, even though an avoidist measure, is better then the alternative.

So in my time of need i come to you dear reader to voice my thoughts, feelings and concerns. Nothing feels better then writing and getting everything, or most things, out of my brain. I can write without interruption and it challenges me because i try to phrase things is a well-spoken/written manner. I know that whatever i write, in this sacred space i have created, will not be judged or used against me in any way, shape or form. Here is the one place where i can be myself and say what is truly on my mind without censorship. For that i am thankful. For that i am lucky. So many people do not have an outlet to vent or say what is really on their minds. This blog is not about the fame or how many readers come to my site to see what i have written. It is my place for truth, honesty and feelings. A place i can come and share my tales and travels and let them just be. A place i call my sanctuary.