the con-function junction!

The lyrics from Lisa Loeb's song “Stay” are in my head.

You say I only hear what i want to.

So for some reason i decided to write this poem to certain songs. I wanted to write about something that has been weighing on my mind for quite sometime. I guess the best way to describe it is that the words come from a place inside me that i very rarely show in person. I am getting better at asserting myself and trying but the road isn't always that easy. As you readers know, i come here and air out my clean/dirty laundry and i feel better.........relieved, actually. I decided to ponder and write down somethings that are going on in my head. My blog is always a sacred place to me so i figured what a good place to share what i was thinking. I wrote it in poem form to the 2 songs noted. It's still a work in progress but it gets down the 'bones' of what i am feeling.


MY VERSION:

You say i only hear what i want to.
But really you do all the talking, you do.
You want me to keep in touch,
but it doesn't matter much.
You want me to call to find out the case,
i know the answer and i think it's just a waste.

You say i only do what i want to.
That's true, it's just what you do.
You say i don't care, and that's not true
You are the one who doesn't care what i do.

(change song to Natalie Imbruglia's “Torn”)

I watched you change throughout your life
Never seemed to pick up on the real strife
You couldn't be that friend that i adored
You don't seem to care what this friendship's for
I don't know you anymore
It's not like when we used to talk
It's like a blackboard without the chalk.
The conversation has run out,
I don't care what you bitch about.

(change song to Lisa Loeb's “Stay”)

It's supposed be like you were never gonna leave
Instead that idea is just one reprieve.
Say you're gonna call, but you never really do
Say you wanna talk, but it's only about you.
You said that i was naive and, i thought i was strong
I thought hey i can leave, i can leave
And it started me writing this song
I really miss you but i don't know what to say
I want to talk but i leave it just for days
I want to make it work but it's never gonna change
You think we're gettin' closer but we're gettin' more estranged


So that's what i have and that's what i feel. I just tried to write it like a song and it was pretty tricky. It makes me appreciate those who right their own songs and stuff it's really hard. Just had to get this off my chest. I guess the main part is that i never changed. Ok, i did change. I learned to control, discuss and manage my emotions better then i ever have. You were the one that did change. You changed into a person that only cares about them self, and won't listen to anyone else. I don't know what else to say or where to go from here.

So much to tell you

Dear Reader(s),

It has been, what feels like forever, since i have written you.

I am a busy bee lately. Things are going well with my job. I have been there for almost 3 months and am coming up for my review. I am going to start making notes if there is anything that i want to discuss or be informed about. No date is set yet for my review but I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to hear the constructive criticism as well as new ideas.

Working at the daycare is amazing. It's the first job where i have actually felt a good sense of accomplishment and worth. The kids depend on me and i continue to try and be a good leader that they are wanting. I have a person that i work with, and we just JAM the room. Things work well, we work well and have a good environment in our room. We manage from 10- 12 children in the afternoon and on the whole, it goes smooth like peanut butter.

I got to celebrate my birthday yesterday, with friends, family, co-workers, and the kids in my room. It was one of the most memorable birthdays ever. The kids made me a card with some pictures they drew on it, and they participated in singing happy birthday two times, as well as having cupcakes with me.

Movie Alert _ THE SEPTEMBER ISSUE (2009)
A documentary on VOGUE magazine, which revolves around Anna Wintour, goddess to the fashion world. She single-handed-ly changes fashion and creates the new look as well as promoting new and upcoming designers. I watch this movie at least once a week, and i feel lost when i don't watch it. I love the fashion world for it's change, innovation and imagination. If you have a passion for fashion like i do then this is a must film for your collection. I recently bought my first copy of VOGUE magazine and was astounded. I was actually able to accept it for what it was and how much work goes into the production of it. Mind you it was not the September issue but I am happy to say the November issue. Even though she is known as the “Ice Woman” of fashion, damn is she good!

Productive is my middle name tonight. I have made myself dinner. I washed my dishes. Tidied up a bit. Got all my thank you notes written and are ready to be posted and given to those recipients.

Another important thing that i would like to mention is that I have significantly cut back on my pot usage and drinking. I rarely drink, only on special occassions or when i want to chill. My brain is feeling so much better and i am starting to experience emotions, some for the first time! Oh the joy of being overridden with emotion but it feels a lot better then just numb, angry or sad.

I think i am doing really well and want to keep this positivity flowing.

Thanks for your support and love. I will keep you posted!

Ciao <3

the positivity must keep going strong!

So i am really excited, my mum is coming over for dinner! It's been a long time since we have had dinner at my house together so i am really looking forward to it. We are having pasta and garlic bread, which i am going to make for my mum! I'm not the greatest cook but i can guarantee a good meal with what i am making tonight. My dishes are clean, my kitchen is spotless and ready to prepare a feast.

It's turning out to be a productive day. I have to still do some errands and take care of the bunnies but I am on my way to get over to the farm and work with them.

So i have gone since 1 pm without pot and i am seeing how long i can go. I do not have any smokes and i cannot buy any. This will be the test of time.

Mum did most of the prep and just dropped the stuff off so that i can just cook the pasta and assemble it, same with the garlic bread with cheese. I am really looking forward to this. I must say thought i am verry freakin' tired. =(

So i woke up to the sounds of the phone ringing which is a good thing. Mum is on her way over and i have started cooking our feast. I am proud to say that i have not had any pot since 1pm and i'm still going strong! I have to keep up the good work.

I lasted til 930 then i smoked a few pops and now i am off to bed. Mum and i have made plans to go to the movies and see Charlie St. Cloud, and during the day i am going to the driving range to smash some balls!

So far so good! I must keep up the good work! And I will!

I'm thinking of two words

Last night.... What can i say.....Hmmmmmmmm.......That's a tough one. Wait a second i have two words. Catastrophe!...... No wait i like this one better....... DISASTER!

Things were going well for a while, I was chillin' sippin' on my Rockstar and enjoying a sesh. Then the guys had started to surpass their alcohol tolerance levels and they turned into drunken retards. They use the excuse, “it's because we're guys and we have testosterone.” I've heard that so many times that i am at a point where i say, “I don't really give a shit! That's a lame excuse.” Now here is where you know they are stupid when drunk because they start drinking hard liquour, and they turn into “Drunken Idiots,” as said by themselves! Hitting each other, acting like 'ninja's', making sound effects from mortal kombat, the list goes on. As much as i like some of these people they are driving me round the bend. I am turning into a partial OCD cleaner, but i don't think that's bad right now because then my house is clean! Seeing them spill crap all over the floor is uber upsetting for me. Makes me anxious, want to cringe and shake. Then when they try to clean it up, which i appreciate the offer, i would just rather do it myself. I need a break. Cleaning up every night after people that disrespect me is not what i want to be doing.

I am a very lost creature. I meander about and make friends with people that consider me an easy target or prey. I am really starting to believe i have a sign that says “Pick me, I'm Gullible.” That's a terrible thing to say but i am thinking it's true. Jason Mraz sings what a beautiful mess is like and i relate to it. If you get the chance to listen to Beautiful Mess, you will immediately think of me if you know me well enough. My readers should know because i bear my soul on this blog and i wouldn't have it any other way.

Sorry readers my writing mojo has just left.... I shall continue this tomorrow or so!

i have no idea what to title this

So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.

So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.

Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:

“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”

This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.

I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.

BupKiss!!!

Today is the day i get back to writing my blog. After i received the comment below, how could i not:

Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "Bingo Bango Bongo":

You haven't updated in so long! I love your blog, write more soon! xo

It fascinates me how people are still wanting to hear about my boring yet adventurous life. So i will start writing this now at 111 pm and then i will bit and piece it together.

First off my addiction is by far at it's worst. I don't feel worthy of change or a better lifestyle. My depression and other Mi's are wreaking havoc on me. I disassociate from my parents and spend their money like a fiend. It kills me when my dad says that i am trying to buy people's friendship but in the end when i analyze it or look, it appears that way. The way i think of it though is that i am helping out a friend that i would hope would help me out when i need it. I throw all caution to the wind and my impulsivity is at an all time high. I am afraid to go to detox because i am worried that it might not work but i have been told that sometimes for people it takes several go's before it works. I question what my purpose here is all the time. I am a 26 year old party animal and i am way old to be doing it. My celebrity example would be Lindsay Lohan, but i'm older then her too! I rarely want to eat, and if i do it's only a matter of time before i am ralphing it back up. I am trying to do a liquid diet for now because i know that i can handle that. My parents miss their old Sarah, and i have no idea what i have become but it is monstrous to say the least. I have even gotten to a point where i don't think i deserve any better so i just keep frittering my life away and being silly.

There's people out there that take advantage of me. I question how i attract all these people that want to borrow money and use my stuff. I must have an i'm stupid or take advantage of this one she's easy on my head. Or something that makes me stand out so that i am an easy target. Saying no to people i think are my friends is one of the hardest things in the world and i rarely do it. Then if you go by the “you teach people how to treat you model,” technically i encourage that kind of behaviour. How do i learn to say No? I wish there was a way i could learn and start using it immediately. There are so many things that i would rather not do and because i can't say no i get roped into doing them. If you have any suggestions or anything please feel free, if you want to tell me how silly i am or whatever your feeling, i always let my readers know this is an open forum and they can comment on anything that i write about.

The song “Nothing on You” by B.o.B (feat. Bruno Mars) is something that i am constantly listening to. It's a great beachy type song but the meaning behind it, frig it makes me wish i had someone that thought about me that way. Someone to cuddle and have a movie date with. Someone to pamper the odd time. Someone to cook and enjoy dinner with. Someone to love me for me, faults included! Other songs that make me think about 'him' are Perfect (hedley), Billionaire (B.o.B.), Airplanes (B.o.B.), Can't Be Tamed (Miley Cyrus), Not Myself Tonight (Christina Aguilera), Over (Drake), plus there's a few classics like anything by Jason Mraz, the Eagles, RHCP, STP, Katy Perry and Ke$ha, that's just to name a few.

I have been making an effort to keep my house clean. Keep the dishes tidy, got all my laundry up to date. The one thing that i don't do enough of is vaccuming and with having Abby and Zoe, my cats) it's something that i need to be more on top of. There's something that i hate about doing it. Maybe it's the fact that if i do it, i know in a matter of seconds it's going to have hair on it again. I think that i need to add to my routine that once i finish doing the dishes i also vaccuum, but it depends because i am not vaccuming at some stupid time and annoying my neighbours because i'm not a jerk like that.

The weekend of July 3^rd i have a wedding to go to. It's my cousins and it is my first wedding as a guest. It is also the first time i have seen this side of my mum's family in quite a long time, i would guess about 5-7 years. I am a little worried because i know that some of them know that i am battling addiction(s), but i don't want that to be the focus. I want to be looked at like a regular person, not some handicapped or addicted person. I kind of wish that my mum didn't tell them some of the stuff that is going on right now but i can't be a total controlling asshole because she needs to vent too. Geez my mum probably feels like she is going through Hell everyday, so she has to talk about it to someone. She can't just keep it inside and let it eat away at her, that's how people get sick, and i know that both my parents are highly stressed right now, and yes, sadly it is majority caused by me. It's almost like everything i touch right now turns to shit.

Writing all this makes me feel better a little bit because i can say what i want. This is my space and i will use it however i choose. I want people to be informed about the marijuana poppers and what a bad thing they are to be addicted to. If one person can read this and see what path it could possibly take them down, or even relate to this, it might help or prevent something from starting. My parents informed me that i have been going through this addiction for about 2 months now. In a way it seems short but then again it feels a lot longer then that.

So the last few days i have been going over a list that i have generated of who i have had sex with and then another list of people who i have done stuff with. I have had sex with 10 people and 4 of those people were 'trophies'. I have done stuff with 17 people and 9 of those people were 'trophies'. There is one person that i want to do both or one of the categories and he is a 'trophy' as well. Sometimes i think that is a lot of people but then i factor in that i am 26 years old so that's not bad. When someone that is 19 that has a track record that is like mine, that's a little more 'interesting' is the word i will use for safety purposes. I have no idea why i told you this but my list was here and then i just thought while i was looking at it that i would write about that on the blog.

My apartment got re-arranged about a week ago, and i am happy to say that i have an official office desk with majority of my office needs on it. I can sit at the laptop on one of my kitchen chairs and it is just right. It feels comfortable and has everything, and it's right by the door which i like. Looks like a working apartment instead of just a party place or crash pad.

I am very excited to go see SITC 2. The first movie was really good and me being a fashion-holic loved everything about it. I never really watched the series so the movie was awesome but i never really did anything to download the seasons or anything. I am just happy watching the movie and not really knowing the back story. That's a major faux pas in the film world i know.....sorry!

I finally broke down and got the wii fit plus with the balance board. It tells me obese all the time but i think that's really negative so i ignore it. I love playing the snowball game, it's one of my favourites. I am just starting to break out and try a few more of the games. I will say that it has helped me because i always want to know what my wii fit age is. I have been lucky to get 20 sometimes and 50 others. I have noticed my Centre of Balance has improved though since using it. I've had it for approximately 2 months or maybe a little bit more. It was kind of expensive but it's worth it for me because then i can exercise at home without having to worry about people watching me or what i look like.

Time and again i try to make others happy before myself. You would think that the people i am trying to make happy would be impressed but all i can seem to do is cause problems and make people unhappy. So many people are disappointed with me right now, most of all myself. I wake up every morning wishing i didn't exist. My depression is getting worse as each day goes by. I need to gain the courage to want to help myself. I need to want more for myself and know that i can do better. If i am the only person that doesn't believe this then maybe i can rely on particular people to help me with such an issue. I feel so guilty all of the time and i hate myself with such a passion. I hate what i have become. Visions of the old me pass by like a runaway train without a cause. Just racing, no looking back or forward, full tilt.

BOOK NOOK – 2 good reads – The Book of Negroes (great story, and it felt like i was actually on a journey with the main character.)

-My Horizontal Life (Chelsea Handler is my hero!)

Here's what i have to say about that

So this is going to be one of those posts that I am going what the hell? That's weird, i can't believe someone actually did that.



1. Create a group for your own birthday party hosted by you. I think that the person that did this either has a lot of time on her hands or she just wants to have her party her perfect way. Why would you do that? Are you desperate to see who will actually show up on your party night? This particular person has gone to the trouble of not only creating a group and administoring it, but has also confirmed herself as a guest. Geee, you would think that you would go to your own birthday party not only as a guest but as a host two! Maybe going as two people is better then one.



2. People that join groups, in general all of them but some of the really silly ones like: I Hate Cigarettes (it's got a lot of pics of ciggy butts, i particular thought this one was a great piece though. i seriously wish cigarettes came like this), 96% of all people can't solve this riddle (wtf, who cares), Crosby's Goal <3>

3. People with hundreds upon hundreds of friends on facebook. What is it, like the more friends you have that you can say you know by 20 degrees of separation the better off you'll be. Yeah i do it... i purge my facebook friends every one/two weeks. What's the point of having a list full of people you don't talk to. The idea of keeping a few from public school or highschool, etc. is alright too but not you're entire class. What if you didn't like everyone in your class. You can be a facebook friend whore and just continually add people as friend for an infinity. Sounds kinda lame to me.

4. Dumb games that will never really advance you or anything, just use them as time filler. I was playing Farmville and Fishville at one point. (We all know that farmville is a guilty pleasure :)) With fishville it took forever to progress through the levels and there was no real point in doing it. Oh great you can buy a totally different fish, or even better a tank ornament. Now that's something. Jazz up a fish tank that in the end is going to make you more money without the decoration. BTW, the decorations are just a waste anyway, but it's something to buy i guess (that's the shopaholic in me talking)

5.Saving the best for last. What's up with the out of sync issues with facebook. I know it's suppose to be a mediocre program but geez does it have to operate like plain shit. It's frustrating having to refresh the page all the time (even though it's a simple press of a button). Then not only do you pull that crap but when i want to delete certain applications, that i don't use and think are a waste of time appearing on my profile, you won't let me delete them. That's not very nice but it's just another example of the computer world taking over everything. It will be a sad day when technology is every breath, heartbeat, thought. It sounds fun but in retrospect it could be a giant shit storm. Then things like the terminator will become a reality and we won't be able to look back at it as that great film with Arnie in it.

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh

So i want to start this off: RIP Stacy, my little calf that was Clinton's twin. She passed away on Feb. 12, 2010. I was on vacay and only received the information yesterday that she had passed away. Stacy was named after Stacy London, who is on the show with Clinton called What Not to Wear. She was a small little critter and i hope that she is playing in the giant pasture in the sky.

I sit listen to some dance music, THE BLACK EYED PEAS, and i ponder what to write to you.

I could go totally patriotic and blab about how wonderful it is for Canada to have the leading count in gold medal winnings on Canadian soil. Especially the mens hockey game... what a great finish to a great games. I didn't watch the Olympics that much. I saw some really good important parts though, ie. Alexander Bilodeau winning the first gold, the woman ice skater who won a bronze and competed even though her mother passed away 2 days before, the ice dance team winning gold, and so on. The thing that i like more about the Olympics is that the biographies and commentating is very inspirational. Some people were rewarded with one of the rarest gifts for being good people. Maybe people will create new heroes that they can follow and aspire to be.

ROCK YOUR BODY comes on and i just start to move with the music. Hips doing deep dips. Thighs swaying from side to side to the electro beat. Every once in a while my hands pump and raise the roof. My carpet is my private dancefloor with no limits. I can shake my money maker. I like to get down. Dance like there's no one watching (my cats look at me like a lunatic!). Be totally free. Even break into lap dance mode!

There's this guy that i wish i got to know on my vacay instead of leaving without hardly knowing him. He's very creative and seems interesting. I think he has some great stories, wish i heard them. He's mysterious but i like it. I want to get to know him better, but i don't want to come across as that chick that is desperately wanting to know your deepest darkest secret. I want to be distant a little. It's hard but i have had some success so far. Just got to keep up the cool persona!

The lights on my wall blink green and blue to red and orange. That's one thing that i really love about what i did to my apartment. I have my lights up in a design, it almost looks like a face but it's not meant to be that way. I love turning them on and having them on while i am chillin' at night time. They make me happy, and can entertain me for a few whole minutes.

I had an interview on the weekend. I hope i get the job. I'm confident that i can do it and it's so close to home. With it comes responsibility and organization (which i know i can do, that's one of my best selling features!). I have already figured out what my special title would be EQUINE EQUIPMENT DISTRIBUTOR, which would be the long title for "I work in a tack store" or "I work in retail". Now remember how i used to call myself an Equine Stall Sanitary Technician, which was long for saying i shovel shit. And i want to say that it sounds really professional so when i said it to people they would just look at me and nod with a look of WOW on their faces. Any job can have a fancy title so there!, you just have to be able to create it.

I'm still very addicted to the application of FARMVILLE on facebook. There's something about it that i just love. I like that none of the animals are for edible use. I like that i can grow just about anything and not have it die unless i leave it too long. Oh yeah, I'm RICH! (If only it were real life, TEAR)

Classy Cayman is the way to go!

HardRock Hurricane and some other tropical drink which was not good. It was replaced with a HardRock Hurricane (the orange colour drink). Check out the collectors item glasses!

Ginger Girl in the Cayman Islands... now that is TROUBLE!

The greatest invention ever. The Cone CONDOM. It prevents drips from the bottom of the cone as well as the sides keeping your hand pristine Clean!!! Wish they had these in Canada. Oh yeah and btw, that waffle cone was made 1 minute before this photo was taken so it's FRESH AND FAB!

Happy Valentines day to all, whether you're single or taken= I love you!

Sarah here from the wonderful paradise of the Cayman Islands!

I thought i would write a blog post when i got a chance. I arrived on Wednesday Feb. 10, and it's already Feb 14. I have spent time relaxing and enjoying the island lifestyle. Everyone is so happy and saying hello to strangers isn't strange at all. I am intaking the Vitamin D as much as possible so that i don't suffer from SAD as badly when i go back home to the cold north! I make it sound like i live in the Arctic or something and it really isn't true but i will say that it feels that way since i have no tolerance for the cold.

My BFFFFFFFFFF and I have had some really stellar meals at the local wrap place called Al La Kebab. We got attacked by mosquitos yesterday but that's ok the island is waiting on a bug repellant drop! Yeah, I was surprised to hear that too but that's the way it is.

My friend and I are really enjoying each others company and it's very much like old times :) We went for some pampering today and got manicures and booked appointments for Thursday to get massages. Since it is Sunday and the island is very religious, not very much is open. My friend is out with her boyfriend at the moment so i thought i would use my computer time wisely and write a post to my faithful followers!

The weather has been nice and i can't wait to do certain things this week, like go to stingray city, the turtlefarm, possibly rum point, have dinner at PRIME (a brazilian steak house), as well as enjoy some sushi. While i am at the turtle farm i might stop at Cracked Conch and get some conch fritters!

Friday night we went to the bar. The crowd was a lot older then we expected and the music was only meh but we stayed till 11 or 1130. I enjoyed some Sex on the Beach (drink) while my friend had very boozy Rum Punch (not a fav of mine). We boogied in our own little way and set the tone for the night to be ultra fun, and that's what it was.

I never want to leave here. I want to enjoy the sunshine and do some writing on my books/projects that i have on the go. This would be the perfect place to do that...minus the fact that it costs a fortune! Oh well, the way i see it, to live this sort of lifestyle there is a price and it's up to the person on whether it is worth it or not. I think it is...Geez, who wouldn't want to live in paradise all the time!

10/4 good buddies i will touch base soon!

Ciao!

CRITERIA....

So I was asked by my counsellor to make a list of CRITERIA. (Things I want to do in my life, qualities I want to find in a partner, etc). She thinks this would be a good idea for me to start working on myself instead of continuing on with loveless relationships which just are degrading for my self esteem. In short, I need to think more of myself and raise my bar. I thought this would be a good idea to post it on my blog since I think other people should consider themselves and maybe try this exercise.

CRITERIA
-I want a man who is going to love me for me flaws and all (and is preferrably not already taken)
-I can see myself having a child within the next 5 years
-I have to get my life on the straight path so that I can welcome said child with no hitches
-I want my kid to be proud of me as a parent
-I want to have a job that is decent, and that i love going to work (it is out there)
-I want to have it proved to me that chivalry is not dead
-I see myself still living on my own (or eventually with a partner)
-I want to take a minimum of one trip a year
-I want to see the world (related to above statement), whether it is by myself or with people
-I want to continue writing my blog because i find it helps so much with venting and letting go of stress and what have you
-In the next 5 years i would like to at least have o
one book published, if i have more that's fantastic but one starts the process
-I want to continue learning about things, possibly learn sign language, take a course in fashion, or more writing courses
-I want to read everyday if possible, I love it so that shouldn't be hard to keep
-I want to take an adventure and enjoy it (not sure how to explain this)
-I want to get certain bad habits, addictions, etc, under control
-I want to be able to experience more then just 3 emotions and feel ok doing so
-I want to be a participant or guest at a wedding (haven't done that yet!)
-I want to have a few good friends that care about me a lot then have millions of friends who just know me
-I'd like to be a superhero to someone
-I want to love someone like there's no tomorrow
-I want to get another tattoo!
*There's probably many more but i think that's a good start!

What's your CRITERIA

monday, monday.....

Today is rainy and light grey outside. The drizzle of the rain can be heard in my bedroom. The bed heating up for my afternoon nap, soon to be nice and toasty. The sound of cars driving by outside the apartment complex.

I would like to talk about this application on Facebook that i am addicted to. It's called FARMVILLE. I am so good at virtual farming it's sad that I can't be that great at real farming. In FARMVILLE the only thing you can sell as edible items is the fruits and vegetables. All the animals have a purpose and none of them die. I am a geek though because I time my crops so that I can maximize every plot that I use for farming. Very rarely do my crops wither and die. This is probably the only way I can grow things and not have them die on me. That's ok though, that's probably why I play it all the time.

Today is day 16 for the Cayman Island countdown. So looking forward to going and time is going by so fast that i will be there in no time.

I'm considering making some pancakes. They sound so delish right now. Warm off the pan, drenched in oozy, golden maple syrup. Yep, it's been decided that's what i am doing after i finish this post.

I am hoping that i don't have a nap today but i am vehicle-less so i may end up soothing my afternoon urge. If i could though, i would really like to finish this dr. drama book that i am reading because i am very close to the end and I am 'dying' to know what happens. Pardon the pun, it wasn't funny.

Movies sound like a good order for the day since there is nothing else to do. I could if i really try though, play wii and actually feel better about doing something.

The men in my life: well, there are none. Not even FWB's or anything. So on this time alone i am going to focus on myself and learn things about me. I am going to consider why i am so dependent on company when i should just be chillin' Read some good books and some Cosmo mags so that i can learn new tricks. I think today is the day i hang up my profile on PLENTY OF FISH. The internet dating scene is just not for me I guess, or even the real life dating scene because i definitely don't have good guys knocking down my door. Today is the day that i attempt to let go of baggage and things that have recently happened to upset me. Today if anything i am allowed to feel blah as long as i am considering other things. Or a constant state of thought or pondering if you will.

I hope I check each point off with progress. Time will tell though :)

Woe is me......

So today started out as a good day but then after a group i go to, i became upset and didn't want to be around anyone.

When i become really emotional, it's almost like i can't handle or want to deal with the emotions. It's part of one of the mental illnesses i have, but that doesn't make it any easier.

People are tough for me to read. By read i mean: know what kind of a person they are and what they might be like with any intentions they may have. A friend of mine can get a general feel of a person very quickly. It's almost like she has a secret power if you will. I wish i had this power then i may not have such bitterness when i can see what people really want from me. Yeah i know another pathetic post about my roomy but this is the only place that i can say whatever i want and maybe ten people will read it or none but it's a venting place. I'm lucky to have it and value its importance greatly. So i was informed by a mutual friend that he thinks i am bothering him all the time, when really i have only tried to get a hold of him a few times. Well today i was going to show him that i am still a good friend. His car is broken and he is lost in what to do so i did some research for him and got the diagrams that he needs to get working on the problem. Yeah i know, back to my fixer ways for him. So i took the information to his work because i was excited that i may have found a way to solve his problems once again. He wouldn't even come out and get the papers himself... he was busy! Maybe he was really busy i don't know but he could have texted me that he received them at least. Maybe say thank you. I don't understand why breaking things off with him are so hard. I know that he doesn't respect me and stuff like but i miss his company. Not his sexual company, his company when we played wii together and always had baseball competitions. I have been doing really well and holding up a strong front but today, i cracked. I cried. I sniffled. I can't begin to comprehend why this bothers me so, i've being doing really well with the getting over him and spending time by myself more and stuff. Insight says that maybe i really miss him in my life because we had fun. I need to let go though and say enough. I need some confidence and courage. I need to move on with this issue and get over it instead of letting it get to me sometimes.

Questions pop into my head all the time:
-are the good people really gone?
-why are there so many shitty people?
-why am i so easily manipulated and taken advantage of?
-having a few close friends is great, but do you really have to run them through as series of tests before you find out how good a friend they will be?

For today i have lost faith in the human race. A fair percentage of people take it's 'my way or the highway' attitude. When did we lose sight of mediation and compromise? It's been gone for a while and the younger generations are missing certain values that are an asset to being of the generations before them. So many people want the 'silver spoon' lifestyle, yet so many suffer and can hardly get to what might be considered normal. In the end, each and every one of us decides how we are going to be. It takes some time and growing up, it's not like we are born knowing what we are going to be like right away. With mistakes and lessons learned only then can we become the beautiful and unique flower/tree that each of us is meant to be.

Mish Mosh, Pish Posh! January 2, 2010!

So.... Today is the 2nd of January 2010. Man time flies! To all, i wish you a good new year and may the wishes and resolutions you made come true and it be a happy and prosperous year for you. In short: eat, drink and be merry, and enjoy your company!

I was able to stay up on New Years, which is a rarity for me. No, I didn't make any resolutions because i don't believe in making them and then breaking them. I want to write lots this year and keep up the good work i have done one staying clean.....today is day 20.

It is exactly 39 days till i leave for the Cayman Islands, where my BFF and i plan to rule the island for a solid 2 weeks. It will be a time of relaxation, tanning, good food, good company (which should be first), and FUN. I plan to either take my comp down or use my BFF"s comp and get some writing done and read some of the million books i got at Christmas. Maybe the easier thing for me to do is just take a memory schtick down and then put all my work and pictures on that.... then i won't have to travel with my comp! I will see what my friend advises is the best thing. When i go down and visit her i will also be giving her the long awaited christmas presents that i made for her! Oh i can't wait and neither can she! Maybe some Romeo will sweep me off my feet when i am away! (I doubt the last one will happen though!)

As a treat i am going to give you a short little writing exercise from my WRITER'S BOOK OF MATCHES, which was given to me by my mentor.

Prompt= AN ATTRACTIVE WOMAN BECOMES OBSESSED WITH HER IMPERCEPTIBLE FLAWS.

I sit at the mirror and I think what is wrong with me. Why will no guy stay around. Is it because I love sex and they can't keep up? Or maybe the fact that sometimes i would rather just have my way with them and then have them leave. Or.... maybe they see something that i cannot see or that something comes up on their radar when i am around them. I have started to be critical of everything. The way I dress, the way i do my hair, the way i act around them. Nothing seems to be working. There has to be something that i don't recognize that they automatically see that makes me untouchable. Sure, I've talked with guys, gone on a few dates, even got to the point where i like a few of these guys, but when it comes to them coming back or even returning a simple message, I get deleted....erased. It has happened so many times that i get a little bit hurt but the pain isn't as much as it used to be. I've started to prepare myself before i go into anything now, that this guy won't be here long and then the next will come along after he's done and then he will move on after a little bit as well. A vicious circle where i am unhappy and alone. My friend has it all:the body, the looks, the great job, a man who is by her side and won't leave (actually that's to a bad point at times). As i get older i want to settle down each day more and more. I want to be able to come home and have a meal with my man and then cuddle and watch a movie. Maybe i am trying to hard to figure out what these flaws are... maybe that's why they remain hidden and i am still on my own. Although, i am getting to the point where i am ready to say "Fuck it. I am who i am. If you want to be in my life you have to love me flaws and all!" But as a side note i would like to say, "Can you tell me what that hidden flaw is because it's bugging the hell out of me."

9 1/2 Weeks.... AMAZING MOVIE, A MUST SEE

Inspiration: 9 1/2 Weeks
Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke

It started off with a glance. Meeting in random places and then smirking at each other. Flirting without words, just looks and smiles. Then he makes the move and introduces himself to her. He puts her on a pedestal and makes her feel like she is the only woman and that he truly loves her. Yet she doesn't know that there has been many women for him. It upsets her when she finds this out. Trying to make him jealous she makes out with another man infront of him but alas he is the one she truly wants and she moves back to him as if it is not without a second thought. He cooks for her, feeds her, dresses her and has the ultimate sexual control over her. At first she doesn't realize how powerful her carnal desires are but he teaches her to act on them and express herself better sexually. He makes her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. He falls in love with her and that's what separates her from all the rest. His love for her scares him but he allows himself to show her his deepest feelings. A door opens that has been closed for a long time. Random acts of sex around the city make this a very exciting and tempting relationship. The way he looks at her is incredible. His eyes are melting everytime they are in the picture. You can't but look and stare at them when they are on the screen. The scene in her kitchen where he is feeding her is so erotic and delicious that how could you not want that to be you. I know i was craving a man to treat me like that and i still am. My hunt goes on but i guess i will have to live on through the movie and dream for my "John" to come and make me happy. To fulfill my sexual wants and desires no matter how crazy or simple they are. To make me feel like there is no one else. Someone who loves me for me, flaws and all. Erotic bliss at my fingertips if i want. Someone to bring out that carnal side of me, and accept my sexual expression. Someone that would be on my mind constantly and when i lick my lips i go to a special place that is sinful but so much fun and an exploration.

Season of Emotion + Popper Chronicles Announcement :(

So my christmas eve and christmas day were fantab but boxing day is going to really be the shit!

CHRISTMAS EVE

At first i was worried about going. Hell, I even had a panic attack while driving down to the cottage, which is owned by my mum's boyfriend. Then i chose some good driving music and let all cares be released and i was just going to live out each moment that occured. No worrying anymore about the future or present, or how feelings could be hurt or whatever drama may come. After I got to the cottage and saw my mum and her smiling face i knew that i was going to be ok because she was going to be there for me if i needed anything: support, a hug, or just a smile. We carried in my stuff and i was immediately drawn to say hi to my nana. I have been of a bit of a weirdo and pulled back from her so i haven't seen her for what might seem like a eon. Hair done the same, nylons and slippers, and her classic pair of glasses perched on top of her head like a pair of cool shades. I said hi and then gave her a big hug that possessed emotions i didn't think i had were possible and then it flashed before my eyes what a jerk i had been and that i kinda miss having a nana. She was really good about it too, just acted like old times and that is was just like seeing me the day before. I was very impressed by her forgiveness. I can only imagine what type of strength that would have. I socialized with the bf and he was pretty cool too. (I had done the same to him. Yeah i know what's with me!) Mum was in the kitchen working away like she always done and making an old favourite of mine that had my taste buds watering hours after eating such a delicious meal. I assisted the bf with some computer stuff so that he has another piece of the world at his finger tips. Some people are so gracious when you are able to open another portal of the technological world to them. I'm used to it now so i can explore around at my will and do things, such as this blog. We watched a movie together... well i would say we watched about 3 mins of the movie together then everyone except me was in their own little naptime world. That's ok! I thought it was kind cute and family-like. Sleep was challenging and strange.

CHRISTMAS DAY

I woke up and made a pit stop at the bathroom before seeing anyone else. Good thing because i always wonder if i look like a decent morning person or a zombie looking type person. Went to the kitchen and mum and the bf were making coffee, and already starting another day of food heaven for me. Mum was even happier when i had saw her the day before, it's like every minute i was there my mum loved me more. It was a good feeling and one that i haven't felt for a logn time. We chittered chattered, and puttered around before and after breakfast. Simon, the cat, was our morning entertainment. (I love live entertainment!) We then decided to open presents to comply with christmas day family tradition. The gifts given and received were so thoughtful and interesting. That's something you can really learn about a person and how they are, is by the gifts they receive. Laughter was shared and silly faces were made while taking pictures of the days events started. Smiles and hugs were shared by all and it was yet again, another family moment. Then by the early afternoon i decided that i had better start making my trek back to the 'Bridge to be with dad for dinner and apparently he was going to 'whip my ass' at Scrabble. I thought that was very bold of him considering I am a lady of many words! Leaving was difficult because i just wanted to stay and enjoy some more familytime but I also didn't want to hurt my dad's feelings by not seeing him on christmas day. I asked mum to help me put my stuff in the truck for the ride home and that she did. She expressed how much she loved me and how important it was to her that i come up and spend some time with her. I love my mum dearly, and this moment really warmed my heart. Special, comes to mind and fits very well. Then i went home, had a nap and then went to the farm to spend some quality time with my dad on the farm. Before we helped each other with the food, we shared a big hug and the love felt in that hug was something i have never received from my dad as a parent. He's not emotional or understanding of his or other peoples feelings. But the hug felt like he was opening up to me and giving that genuine approval that i have been seeking for my entire life. Even though we hugged for a short period of time the moment passed slowly and was lovely to experience.

THE POPPER CHRONICLES ANNOUNCEMENT

I HAVE BEEN WITHOUT POT AND POPPERS FOR 12 DAYS TODAY. I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER. I'M NOT COUGHING UP NEAR AS MUCH STUFF AND I CAN ACTUALLY FEEL MY LUNGS AND BODY FEELING BETTER.I AM KIND OF SAD THOUGH AS I WRITE THIS, A FRIEND HAD GIVEN ME A GRAM OR SO FOR CHRISTMAS AND I HAD TO TAKE IT BECAUSE THEY INSISTED. I CAME HOME AND I THOUGHT I MIGHT BE ADVENTUROUS AND REWARD MY SELF WITH A LITTLE TASTE. I'VE BEEN DOING SO WELL AND I TRULY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THEM BUT I THOUGHT IT WOULDN'T BE THAT BAD. NOW THAT I HAVE DONE THEM I FEEL VERY GUILTY. I'VE LET MYSELF DONE. I WRITER THIS AND AM ALMOST IN TEARS. I DID 3 POPPERS AND THEN PUT MY THINGS AWAY NOT TO USE THEM AGAIN. YES I STILL HAVE MAJORITY OF THE WEED IN MY SECRET SPOT BUT I DON'T WANT TO TOUCH IT. I DON'T WANT TO BE DEPENDENT ON IT. I DON'T WANT TO LOSE MY WRITING MOJO, THAT I HAVE JUST GOTTEN BACK. SO I AM BEING HONEST AND TELLING THE TRUTH AND I AM GOING TO CALL MY MUM RIGHT NOW AND TELL HER AND SHE MIGHT BE VERY UPSET BUT I AM GOING TO TELL HER THAT I AM VERY SORRY AND REGRET WHAT I DID BECAUSE I DON'T FEEL (MORALLY) VERY GOOD RIGHT NOW AND I AM DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF. SORRY READERS, PLEASE DON'T GIVE UP FAITH IN ME, I'M NOT GIVING UP ON MYSELF JUST YET EITHER.

Paging all readers - Winter has arrived.... Today!

So i write to you today as i watch the snow piling up outside. Mother nature was kind enough to give us a dumping of snow when it wasn't needed. It's cold outside and the weather is chilly. A damp cold that soaks into your bones and makes you cold for hours. Everyone was worried about the weather but i don't think that the town really prepared for it. Roads are covered with white powder and possibly some ice. Cars hardly want to turn over if they have been left outside in the cold for the night. The wind has a slight howl to it, as if it is trying to communicate with some ungodly force. The plastic put up on my balcony crumples every so often, a constant reminder or a good morning hello. The windows have snowflakes on them and are slightly frosted. Lucky for me i have a heating pad on my bed (thanks Mum!) so i don't have to go to sleep cold and lay in a cold bed. When my fingers stop the rhythmic beat of typing there is a sort of deafening silence. It's not eerie. It's almost comforting. Doors trying to hold themselves shut can do only one thing, which is quietly bang while they try to keep the wind and cold out from their home owners. The trees have a beautiful type of silohette(?) to them. They are covered in white but you can see the grey outline of the branches and the bulk of the tree. As i peer out my window for a glance at the winter wonderland that has been created within the last twelve hours, i watch as snow tries to stay on a roof but ends up being blown off creating a mystical and fantasy-like effect.

My roomy lays in his bed curled up with a favourite pillow that has been helping him sleep better. His head peacefully lying on the pillow, while his body is wrapped tightly in the duvet. Abby rests at his feet because she is obsessed with him. Zoe is nestled into her blanket on the deck of her condo apartment. It's like she is in the tropics, and she is enjoying the heat and loving the sun. None of that is provided though at my house, only i get to vacay to the tropics and see my best friend in the whole wide world. I get to escape for a short period of time and live on paradise island, or that's what it should be called. The only light in the apartment is what is coming from the windows, and of course my computer screen! At the end of the hall a door is slightly perched open, I wonder what lies behind it.... what do you think?

He's A Pain in the ass.... I'm looking for this.......

here it is...... the truth............
i need help, i am starting to not like living with someone

i go to bed fairly early as of late, but sometimes if i do it the dishes are done and clean. Everything is drying on the rack and sparkling. I usually like to make sure my kitchen is like that on the most, before i go to bed. Sure, there are times when i can't be bothered the dishes. Yesterday morning though, I did the dishes and the kitchen looked amazing. Then, he came home and made lunch and there hasn't been a dish done since. Now, it is the next day and my kitchen is disgusting, i just might put on the mits and clean the dishes. Can't stand it sometimes.

the next issue which i don't like is simple. Ask before you bring anyone over? And please don't bring people over that i have told you repeatedly not to. Well last night was a topper, he brought over someone that is not to be here and then let them stay over! hello, paging mr rude boy. Yeah we may have fucked but you don't get to start being like my boyfriend and inviting people over just because they are your friends. You live on my turf and there are certain things that i like to keep the way they are. He has not said that sexual repayment is on the table so yes there are still some things he has to obey, or he can ..............leave?

Since when did the younger generations get so rude. They don't care about anything they do to anyone. They expect everything on a silver platter. Moody just 'cause. The people that are my age are very rarely like that. We are pretty much a generation of hard workers, who believe chivalry is not dead, oh yeah we have kids before 3o, sometimes more then one. I haven't quite yet completed the last point but i am 26... that's 4 more years but i also have a burning desire to not have kids in my 20's at all.


LIFE & TIMES OF S.G.
AD SECTION

WANTED:
-a guy that can fulfill a extremely sexual woman
-a guy who can cook, for when i don't want to
-a guy who loves me for me, flaws and all
-a guy who likes cats, b/c i have 2
-a guy who is calm, but likes to randomly have an outburst of laughter
-a guy who is mature, age is not an issue, it's maturity level
-a guy who likes to cuddle when watching a movie
-a guy who likes to randomly go out for dinner at interesting places
-a guy who can be emotional when necessary but not over the top, so i don't want any emotional baggage added to my life, already have a set of my own
-a guy who gives the type of hug that makes me melt like a popsicle on a hot day
-a guy who advances on a girl at random times, i don't want to have to be doing all the work by myself
*there are other statements that follow but i am not going to write them because if you fit all the first statements then we might have a good chance! so you move onto the next round!

A Shout Out from the B-day Bitch!

Hey there Blogger Fans!

Just wanted to say a few things since it is my bday today and I am allowed at least 15 minutes of fame!

I am 26, that means i have lived a quarter of a century! I like saying that sounds good to me for some reason. I am single and looking for that Prince Charming still! (Hey, why not make this a humourous dating ad too!) I have a lot of good qualities. Smart, sassy, sexy, any other good words starting with S.

I have watched all 5 seasons of the Office, the American Version and I have to say that i might want to aspire to be a receptionist at a paper company. The character of Pam actually. Maybe that's where I'll meet my modern day romeo "Jim" and then get engaged.... oh man so funny you should really watch the office, Steve Carell is off the charts and out of control and it's hilarious.

Plans for the day:
-get a cake
-watch some good movies that i haven't seen
-have dinner with mum at Scrambles, one of my fav local restaurants
-might go to the mall, not sure though
-have a good day
-ENJOY MY DAY!

I found the real Dwight!

Dwight Schrute from the office, below is a picture of Dwight and his favourite bobblehead, which was a gift from Angela in accounting.

So i was searching on plenty of fish to see if there was any guys i might like to send a good morning message. Well then i came across this fellow. Now i don't know if i told you this but i am watching the office season 4 right now (with steve carell). There's this character named Dwight Schrute. He runs a beet farm that is a vacay b&b. He has nunchucks in his desk drawer(?), pepper spray underneath the desktop. He's outrageous and hilarious. Oh yeah and he mercy killed Angela's cat Sprinkles!

My cats are having a scrap on the floor. There's hissing, hitting, and whatever else they do.

My luck is going to be great today! Maybe i will find a lost light sabre from a Jedi store.

Betty Crocker wants a VACAY!

My code name is Betty Crocker.
I make treats that are tasty and sweet.
Oatmeal cookies, butter tart squares, nanaimo bars.
I like baking in MY small kitchen.
I don't like cleaning up the mess. The fact that i do it is good.
I have been bad, not doing my Wii and exercising but i am just so muscle sore and stuffed up. Whatever, I have had some stress and ups and downs this week and the end of last week so maybe my body is saying i need to rest. Sometimes i play Wii and it's good but i have been avoiding it. I don't know whether i will keep it because my usage of it my go down. I really need to concentrate to make use of it though. It's exercise at home and can be fun when you have guests. I miss the sun. I need to get away for a vacation.

My best friend had her birthday yesterday. Happy 27th you buxom babe, you know who you are.

When I think of my flee plan i want to go to Europe for a little bit. Everything i have noticed in the last week has been about Europe or related to that area. Every time i hear i just keep thinking that it's something telling me to go. Thinking of it puts a smile on my face. I would go on my own but it would have been awesome if me and the BFF could go on a vacation adventure. Sounds like a lot of fun.

Off to make my middle layer for the nanaimo bars!