Letter of Concern

Dear *****,

Writing this letter breaks my heart. A long time ago it was you and me that were family and then you introduced $$$$ and $$$$ and they became family as well. I tremble with sadness because what I thought was a strong friendship crumbles right before my eyes. You are my best friend and i would do anything for you. I would never let you be without shelter, food or any other bare necessity. I consider you a friend and could never see one without. You say that i don't understand that you have to have your own room, I do understand. I never really had a place that was all mine till I got my apartment. There's freedom and what more could you want. There's also loneliness and depression though. There's times where you literally stay in bed and do nothing. There's days when all you eat is take out because you can't be bothered to cook for yourself. I've had my mental illness for 11 years now, but when you ask me for solutions in your life i can't offer an answer because i don't really like my life and it's not going so shit hot right now. When you and I fight i feel like the worst person in the world. It makes me question why you and i are friends because i can be so horrible. I have only been in the situation once where i had to leave the car and the driver would not left me and I lost it. I realize that you took responsibility and wanted to make sure that nothing happened but you should have let me out. I got more emotional and upset every second. You probably are thinking what a drama queen. I find it sad that you feel you have no family. I have tried everything that i can possibly do to help you but you don't realize that i even put myself in bad situations to help you. I drop everything when you call and want to make plans, because i am so excited that i get to hang out with my *****. I have even noticed that when we hug it's just different, when you and i hugged it was like best friends do and it makes everything feel better. A person that cares and knows you care about them too. My head constantly races and you are one of the main topics. If i could wave a wand an make it better for you i would. Hell, i might get greedy and send some better living my way. You don't want to end up like me, 26 a single lonely bitch that has nothing to show for anything. When Nikki, Jesse and myself are deciding that we want to do something we always ask you and find out whether you want to join us. True friends do that.

As you already know i am dealing with a drug addiction and i am going through the motions to get help. I was saddened when you said that all we want to do is smoke poppers. I don't know about $$$$ and $$$$ but i can speak for myself when i say that i would rather be numb then feel any emotions outside of my range because of the uncertainty of how i will feel or behave. If you asked me what i think about my constant party lifestyle i would tell you that it makes me very sad for two main reasons: one being that i am 26 and hurting my health without a care in the world, two i just want to be out of it so that i don't feel sad or angry. Admitting that i have a drug problem is the hardest thing so far. Actually saying the words “I'm an addict” hurt. This is only the beginning of my journey into sober living so I am terrified and scared about certain things in the future: detox, residential programs, and heavy therapy and groups.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe we shouldn't be friends, (That's not something i want but if that's what you think needs to happen i understand. Not hang out as often (i don't think we hang out that much). If you have any suggestions i am open to hearing them. You know you can talk to me about anything, cry on my shoulder, get a hug. I just don't know how much longer i can keep being your 'fixer' when you don't think it means anything.

You are my best friend and if you think that cutting ties is what needs to happen it will hurt but i will respect your wishes.

Xoxoxo Sg

Oh man....

TUESDAY

I am supposed to go to a talk today to listen about how this woman struggled with her mental illness and how she got better. Personally, i don't want to go because things are not better in my life if anything dealing with addictions is hard. I just feel like i don't want to put any effort into anything today. I want to play farmville and just sleep. I want to go to Marble Slab and get my ice cream for the week but i don't want to hear a depressive story. I think that is just going to make me want to use even more. Sure this woman has and is coming out the other side of the tunnel, but today that tunnel just does not seem feasible for me. I have a very negative outlook today. Many things that i would normally be jumping to do i don't really care to do.

THURSDAY

So i had an interview for a job yesterday and since it's been forever that I have been in an interview, I have a positive feeling, whether i get the job or not. It was nice to be in a professional setting and showcase myself.

So i find myself getting really sick of the drama pirate(s) in my life and i can't stop myself from bitching about them. Being randomly snitty and bitchy with me, i just kind of throw my hands in the air and say fuck this. I still leave the situation instead of keeping my mouth shut and dealing with it but maybe that leaving the situation is the first step? I have no idea to be quite honest and the people/person that keeps being in a bad mood i really don't want to be around. They say they aren't feeling well and that they are tired but if you really feel that shitty don't come to a place where the vibe is good and then ruin it. If you need to talk with someone then do it. If you need a shoulder to cry on do it. On the other hand though, alienating people you consider family and friends is not a good option. The few times that i see this person right now i don't really even know how to deal with them because they are in such a bitchy mood or what have you.

My addiction has made me start to think and consider things a little bit differently. I want to get a job and be steady and working and then just chill when i come home. Top priority is getting a job, whether that means selling my talents or myself! I will do almost anything! I have started to ponder if i keep partying at the rate i am, how will that effect my health, lifespan and other things. I don't want to ruin any opportunities that may be staring me in the face when i am in a haze all the time. I want to be able to jump up and grab said opportunities and challenge myself with them. I like using my blog as my own personal sounding board. People can read it, laugh at it, relate to it and so much more. Don't really get any comments which i wish i did but oh well maybe people aren't comfortable leaving them... but FYI you can do it anonymously! Life is a struggle almost everyday and it's hard for people that don't have a disability or mental illness, but just consider those that might have one and how hard they are trying....that's my thought for the day!

problems, problems, problems.....

I don't understand why people come to an area that is having a good time and then bring the mood down just because they are having issues dealing with life. Everyone is having money troubles and finds life hard everyday. Some of us choose to get high and numb the emotions and take away the thoughts while others try to work their way through the problems. People seldom remember that there will always be that one person that stayed by them, helped them, and fought for them. The person that helps and is there when you need should not be thought of as a cash cow, or a lottery win. When they assist you should be grateful and think about what it would have been like had the assisting person not done what they did. Another common thing i don't understand is that when you start dating a person you have to be with them every second of the day and then if you're not there they have a fit. Yes, i believe there is the honeymoon phase, fine, i accept that. But to be in a state of constant honeymoon phase therefore leading to little to no time being spent with friends, that's ludicrous. Shouldn't a person be allowed to spend time with friends when they would like? I guess some girls expect their guys to be bitch boys and meet every demand. In a fantasy type way, sure, the idea is really HOT. In a reality type way though, it's not going to happen, unless you have the guy pussy whipped. So if for just a moment you could think of the person that has been there for you through thick and thin and consider the following:

-what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-why do i always want to get more out of that person? (unsatisfied)

I will give an example:

The person i am going to use in this model is my mum

what did they have to risk/give up to help me?

-my mum is willing to do anything for me, especially when it comes to conquering my addictions and depressive feelings. She is there for a shoulder to cry on and a friend to laugh with. There are many times that my addiction and actions upset my mum, therefore my mum has to deal with being upset, sad, frustrated and many more feelings. She risks her sanity everyday and will not give up on me.

Do i treat them with appreciation and respect all of the time?

-No i do not. It is shameful to admit that but i am being open and honest. I'm not covering up things or hiding behind some curtains. There are many times when I get in a fight with my dad and i end up believing that him and mum are working together against me. I don't treat mum well in those times and i am very closed and defensive. I am going to work on treating my mum better because i believe it will help me grow as a person as well as better my relationship with my closest family member, my everything.

Why do i always want to get more out of that person?

-When i am fighting i always am agressive and mean. I can't just be calm and go away and take my time and get things together. I push people to their breaking points, just like a dog with a bone. I think the best answer for this is what i really don't like about that person, is more to do with what i really don't like about myself. I stand by that saying all the time, and have been and witnessed proof that i am guilty of using it or being the victim of it. Sometimes i demand a lot of my mum emotionally and am not satisfied because i don't really know or understand the response i am getting. I want to understand things, and sometimes i compulsively want to work at things till they get better. This technique doesn't usually work and it gets out of hand.

This was an interesting post. Thanks for letting me vent...........

Journal Entry for Today

This post is going to be a bit of rant but that's what i need to do right now.

I wish my dad would stop freaking out on me for certain reason(s) that are supposed to be done and over with. He keeps bringing up how my life is far from perfect and sometimes that it's really 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' if you will. I realized that my dad does not approve of the friendship i have with one particular person right now but does that have to be the point of everything in the end. I made a goal to say no to that person at least once this week and i completed it and i am still saying no to other people and things that i don't want to do. Ex. I was supposed to meet a person in Cannington around 830 the other night. It was around 820 and i had decided that i was going to stay home and chill and go to bed at a decent time, so I didn't get back to this person and i stayed home and went to bed around 9 pm. Certain things like that are a big deal for me. Usually i will just say oh come on just do it anyway but when I want to say no and avoid being guilted into doing the trip I feel that i am standing up for myself. I am not just going and doing something because: I want to hang out with the person because i don't really do much or that I am dying to see the person. Saying NO is one of the hardest things for me to do, as well as express my true emotions. When I say no I get this immense feeling of guilt, and i don't really understand it. Maybe i just don't want to be one of those people that always say no, but i think the underlying issue is more then that.

My dad thinks that he treats me well all the time, yet when he says that when we are fighting, it's almost as if I don't deserve it or am worthy of it. A lot of the time dad and I have power struggles and personality clashes, due to what I believe is the problem with us being so much a like. I don't like when he starts criticizing my life because it's not the way he wants it to be. Yes I am struggling with several issues at once and it is quite the cross to bear. On the other hand though, I don't need to be reminded when i get a break from thinking about it.

When dad randomly treats me as what i refer to as “a degenerate piece of trash,” I really get the impression that he is not supporting me, he is disappointed with me and the choices i make, as well as i am not being the best that i can be, therefore my potential is starting to dwindle. I was told by a very dear person that “You are the driver of your own destiny, and maker of your own future.” I found this a very empowering saying and i tend to think about it a lot. Maybe my idea of the future i want is not the same one that my dad has in his mind therefore, he finds it acceptable to freak on me since i am not living what he wants. That's not fair though because then it would still be about pleasing him and doing what he wants. I have to learn and start doing what i want. Stand up or reason with choices i make and understand there may be certain consequences. I have to start taking responsibility for my own life.

On the positive side: i have cut down my popper consumption a considerable amount, my drinking is not abused, and i have 2 possible jobs on the horizon. One a creative type deal, the other a CSR/ salesperson position. Keeping track of how much i consume for drinks and poppers has made me kind of use it as a tool to try and get lower and lower then the day before. I also was given a routine sheet which has helped, and been the first one that i have actually tried and it worked. I still have a lot of work to do on the addiction(s) and addictive personality but i think i have moving ahead in my journey.

For those addicted to the application known as FARMVILLE, i am progressing my way through the game quite quickly. Later on today i will be a $3 million farm owner/operator. I have two dogs, Max and Ralph and neither has run away. I have built a nursery for the foals and calves but it's already full so i need the expansion asap. Also, i have a dairy operation of 10 barns, 19 cows in each plus a bull, which gives me a calf almost everyday. I love Fv, i can grow things and design things the way I want and be successful at it!

I have become tired of ranting and pondering so i will be signing off now, Sg over and out.

A step in the right direction.....FINALLY!

Yesterday was interesting. It was my first meeting with my counselor regarding my drug addiction. We talked about a variety of things and why I made the choices and steps to start seeking help. My answer to that question was a variety of I want to feel better, I want to learn to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, and what I can do to avoid picking up another addiction, which is the last thing I need. The lady said that I had a really good start considering most people don't call and make an appointment or if they do they don't show up because they are afraid of what is going to happen. I'm not going to lie when i walked into that office i was shaking like a leaf. I gathered up a bunch of pamphlets for information and stuff. Anything i could get my hands on to inform myself or my parents. It also opened my eyes to the variety of drugs that are out there, from hard street drugs to hallucinogens, to tranquilizers and other stuff. It's like the list of drugs that people have access to was lengthening right before my eyes. The one thing i really like about my counselor is that she is going to do anything she can to look for groups that deal with DBT therapy (for my borderline personality), as well as other groups that will assist me on my journey to sober living. Detox was suggested yesterday and i have till my next appointment to think about where i would like to go with that. Detox lasts for 3 to 5 days and is the start of getting you on the right track. It sounds good but i have some concerns so i am going to call the detox place and see what information i can get to answer and solve some of the confusion i have around the idea. Also the 21 day residential program was suggested to me as well. She said that it will take about 10 to 12 weeks to get it finalized before i actually go into a facility but she is willing to help me find the appropriate facility for my needs. All this information was really great and a lot to take in but i realize that if i want to do this properly this is the best way. I was really glad that i was able to go to my appointment and it actually gave me some hope that i am not a lost cause. That's definitely a step in the right direction!

FYI- i will be using my blog as my journal so that people can follow my ways and if they can get some information or help from it, by all means please do so!