Letter of Concern

Dear *****,

Writing this letter breaks my heart. A long time ago it was you and me that were family and then you introduced $$$$ and $$$$ and they became family as well. I tremble with sadness because what I thought was a strong friendship crumbles right before my eyes. You are my best friend and i would do anything for you. I would never let you be without shelter, food or any other bare necessity. I consider you a friend and could never see one without. You say that i don't understand that you have to have your own room, I do understand. I never really had a place that was all mine till I got my apartment. There's freedom and what more could you want. There's also loneliness and depression though. There's times where you literally stay in bed and do nothing. There's days when all you eat is take out because you can't be bothered to cook for yourself. I've had my mental illness for 11 years now, but when you ask me for solutions in your life i can't offer an answer because i don't really like my life and it's not going so shit hot right now. When you and I fight i feel like the worst person in the world. It makes me question why you and i are friends because i can be so horrible. I have only been in the situation once where i had to leave the car and the driver would not left me and I lost it. I realize that you took responsibility and wanted to make sure that nothing happened but you should have let me out. I got more emotional and upset every second. You probably are thinking what a drama queen. I find it sad that you feel you have no family. I have tried everything that i can possibly do to help you but you don't realize that i even put myself in bad situations to help you. I drop everything when you call and want to make plans, because i am so excited that i get to hang out with my *****. I have even noticed that when we hug it's just different, when you and i hugged it was like best friends do and it makes everything feel better. A person that cares and knows you care about them too. My head constantly races and you are one of the main topics. If i could wave a wand an make it better for you i would. Hell, i might get greedy and send some better living my way. You don't want to end up like me, 26 a single lonely bitch that has nothing to show for anything. When Nikki, Jesse and myself are deciding that we want to do something we always ask you and find out whether you want to join us. True friends do that.

As you already know i am dealing with a drug addiction and i am going through the motions to get help. I was saddened when you said that all we want to do is smoke poppers. I don't know about $$$$ and $$$$ but i can speak for myself when i say that i would rather be numb then feel any emotions outside of my range because of the uncertainty of how i will feel or behave. If you asked me what i think about my constant party lifestyle i would tell you that it makes me very sad for two main reasons: one being that i am 26 and hurting my health without a care in the world, two i just want to be out of it so that i don't feel sad or angry. Admitting that i have a drug problem is the hardest thing so far. Actually saying the words “I'm an addict” hurt. This is only the beginning of my journey into sober living so I am terrified and scared about certain things in the future: detox, residential programs, and heavy therapy and groups.

I don't know what else to say. Maybe we shouldn't be friends, (That's not something i want but if that's what you think needs to happen i understand. Not hang out as often (i don't think we hang out that much). If you have any suggestions i am open to hearing them. You know you can talk to me about anything, cry on my shoulder, get a hug. I just don't know how much longer i can keep being your 'fixer' when you don't think it means anything.

You are my best friend and if you think that cutting ties is what needs to happen it will hurt but i will respect your wishes.

Xoxoxo Sg