Journal Entry for Today

This post is going to be a bit of rant but that's what i need to do right now.

I wish my dad would stop freaking out on me for certain reason(s) that are supposed to be done and over with. He keeps bringing up how my life is far from perfect and sometimes that it's really 'scraping the bottom of the barrel' if you will. I realized that my dad does not approve of the friendship i have with one particular person right now but does that have to be the point of everything in the end. I made a goal to say no to that person at least once this week and i completed it and i am still saying no to other people and things that i don't want to do. Ex. I was supposed to meet a person in Cannington around 830 the other night. It was around 820 and i had decided that i was going to stay home and chill and go to bed at a decent time, so I didn't get back to this person and i stayed home and went to bed around 9 pm. Certain things like that are a big deal for me. Usually i will just say oh come on just do it anyway but when I want to say no and avoid being guilted into doing the trip I feel that i am standing up for myself. I am not just going and doing something because: I want to hang out with the person because i don't really do much or that I am dying to see the person. Saying NO is one of the hardest things for me to do, as well as express my true emotions. When I say no I get this immense feeling of guilt, and i don't really understand it. Maybe i just don't want to be one of those people that always say no, but i think the underlying issue is more then that.

My dad thinks that he treats me well all the time, yet when he says that when we are fighting, it's almost as if I don't deserve it or am worthy of it. A lot of the time dad and I have power struggles and personality clashes, due to what I believe is the problem with us being so much a like. I don't like when he starts criticizing my life because it's not the way he wants it to be. Yes I am struggling with several issues at once and it is quite the cross to bear. On the other hand though, I don't need to be reminded when i get a break from thinking about it.

When dad randomly treats me as what i refer to as “a degenerate piece of trash,” I really get the impression that he is not supporting me, he is disappointed with me and the choices i make, as well as i am not being the best that i can be, therefore my potential is starting to dwindle. I was told by a very dear person that “You are the driver of your own destiny, and maker of your own future.” I found this a very empowering saying and i tend to think about it a lot. Maybe my idea of the future i want is not the same one that my dad has in his mind therefore, he finds it acceptable to freak on me since i am not living what he wants. That's not fair though because then it would still be about pleasing him and doing what he wants. I have to learn and start doing what i want. Stand up or reason with choices i make and understand there may be certain consequences. I have to start taking responsibility for my own life.

On the positive side: i have cut down my popper consumption a considerable amount, my drinking is not abused, and i have 2 possible jobs on the horizon. One a creative type deal, the other a CSR/ salesperson position. Keeping track of how much i consume for drinks and poppers has made me kind of use it as a tool to try and get lower and lower then the day before. I also was given a routine sheet which has helped, and been the first one that i have actually tried and it worked. I still have a lot of work to do on the addiction(s) and addictive personality but i think i have moving ahead in my journey.

For those addicted to the application known as FARMVILLE, i am progressing my way through the game quite quickly. Later on today i will be a $3 million farm owner/operator. I have two dogs, Max and Ralph and neither has run away. I have built a nursery for the foals and calves but it's already full so i need the expansion asap. Also, i have a dairy operation of 10 barns, 19 cows in each plus a bull, which gives me a calf almost everyday. I love Fv, i can grow things and design things the way I want and be successful at it!

I have become tired of ranting and pondering so i will be signing off now, Sg over and out.