So i am getting to a point where i am completely frustrated by people fighting over my time. Saying i put them off when really all they want is a ride, that's not fair. Sometimes I wonder if the friendship means as much to them as it should or they just take it for granted. Then when I decide that I don't want to do something they kick up such a fuss and I end up doing it because i just don't want to deal with the bullshit. So many people in my life are drama pirates and it's really irritating sometimes.
So monday night my family and i had a sit down about my current situation financial, addiction-wise, and other things as well. Because my spending is so out of control, all my credit cards, and the farm card that i use to buy gas, groceries, stuff from staples, and booze. Now if i have to get anything like that i have to take my parents with me because they have the card. I have dug myself a huge hole financially. Having my addiction(s) doesn't help either. So now i am on a strictly cash only 'diet'. Understandable though, i fucked up and can't continue to do so. My mum dishes out my nutty pills and it upsets her that she has to take me to the grocery store because of my lack of control. It's a burden i understand that, but you did make that rule, and yes i understand fully why you did what you did.
Things with the parental units is up and down. I think i have pushed tem to the max and they have no idea how to sort it out. I'm such a jerk for doing what i did, but my intention was never to hurt my parental units at all. I would have had a job by now so that i could be making my payments on my own and having my own money. Jobs are hard to find, for me, it's like they are more rare then a precious stone or gold. I have been unemployed for 1.5 years. That's a long time to be sitting around doing very little and just throw my life away. In the song NOT AFRAID by Eminem (recovery album, 2010) there is a part that says:
“And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now”
This inspires me to want to change and get out of this hole that i am drowning. Being clean would be really nice but in order to deal with those demons i have to be strong enough to do it. And yes, i am very fed up with my life and want change. I can't keep waking up everyday asking myself why am i here and realizing there's no point.
I have no direction right now and i am frittering away my life. This just upsets me more because i relate myself to a partied out lindsay lohan. She's younger then me but the fact that i am older and just like that is really quite pathetic in a way. Most of the people in my class are married or common law with a person they have known forever. Sadly, i didn't get that luck and i have been single for 7 years. That's a long time to be by yourself. There have been many lonely and teary nights. It almost makes me wonder why i even bother to hit on guys when all they do is turn me down. I don't want to be an old maid though so i keep trying when there's someone i want.
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