I deserve better

I've never felt so under appreciated and unwanted as now. It all started yesterday and has rapidly declined.

Dad spoke to me early in the morn yesterday and said, “I haven't seen you all week. I would like to have you over for dinner.” I said sure and was looking forward to that. I knew that he had a prior engagement to help a friend with a job. Around 137pm i receive a message on my voicemail saying “Hi Sarah! I'm going to X's for dinner. Bye.”

I WAS PISSED. Dad made a huge song and dance that he hadn't seen me all week and that we would reconnect at dinner. When i was going through my issues with drugs, I did this to him several times. I relive it constantly all the time as it still gets thrown in my face what a bad daughter i was.(i was bad, i'm not denying it but i have learned from my mistakes and had to pay for it dearly.) So when my dad does it to me he thinks that he should just get away with it and that whatever excuse he throws out should be acceptable. So i was being assertive today and i told him that i did not like how he treated me yesterday and reminded him that when i did that to him it was a big production. He asked, “What was i supposed to do? I said i was going to help my friend and i couldn't let him down.” I said, “I realize that but when the friend mentioned that he was going to X's for dinner that Dad should have said No thanks i have plans with Sarah. But no he couldn't do that. He bailed on me and now thinks that i have no reason to be mad or anything.

Today.
I have had my ASSERTIVE discussion with dad and i had to say that i was hanging up the phone because i could not deal with him being indecisive and changing plans every 2 minutes. He was also saying things that were not pertinent to what we were talking about and just spewing random stuff. I had a cold shower and i decided that i did not have enough clothes to choose from for golf tomorrow. I had a pile of laundry that was clean at dad's house so i was going over to get it. I get to his house and i open the door and there is no one in the house. So i grab my laundry and leave a note and decide that i am going to see if he is down with his new 'friends'. Of course he sees me there and he starts heading back to his apt on his bike. I GROW MORE LIVID THEN I ALREADY WAS. I get more mad and i consider driving away but then he start waving me into a parking spot. I lost it. I was just like, “Holy you can't be without these people for 2 seconds. I just spoke to you about this.” He starts with the useless excuses as to why it's ok and that he has his reasons.

Then i hit the nail on the head. I said that I am tired of being put second best to people that aren't even his fucking family. He puts these people on a pedestal yet he dumps all over the people he says he considers important. I call my mum to vent and she starts to tell me how it is and that she knows what it's like because she put up with this treatment for 30 years and she finally put her foot down.

The thing that my therapist says that stays with me constantly is that “JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE FAMILY DOESN”T MEAN YOU HAVE TO PUT UP WITH SHIT”. This is an example that i am going to use it. I am putting my foot down. I am a person and i deserve to be treated like one. I don't need him to keep doing this. It's clearly evident that he does not want to spend time with me, more like it's a chore for him. So fine, I won't be around to do that. I am just going to do what i need, and at this time I need to stand up for myself and be assertive.