Death Before Dishonour

With the impending dissolution of my family, i find myself a useless emotional wreck. I turn to movies, books, and food as my comfort. They don't talk back to me and they understand what it means when i say leave me alone. The funny thing is that i never would say that to those things because they are my comforts and are there for me in times of need. They help me escape to farther places then the present and let my mind dwindle on other things instead of troublesome topics.

With a cup of trusty hot choc by my side i am going to start the day off by sorting out my pills and putting them in the appropriate combinations. There's one pill that i am going to choose to leave out of the mix. One i have been on for a long time but i am starting to question it's use....Clonazepam. The little orange pill that is supposed to be a tranquilizer and make it possible for me to deal with the day is getting put out of the regime. For some reason i don't think that i need to have that in my night time meds, which will not only lower the pill count down to a nice round 5, but i am going to add an extra sleeping pill into the mix so that i don't cause myself any grief while making this monumental change, so that will keep me at the round number of 6 pills an eve. I have been whittling myself down on the Clonz bc there are so many adverse effects it can have on ones system. Yes, while it dims the mind, it also wreaks havoc on other areas such as kidneys, and other areas that filter what goes through your system. Day by day i am sorting out my breakfast and my bedtime assortments. Seems like a boring process and in some ways it is, but it allows me the chance of sanity so i cannot complain. Green, yellow, white and orange, a half size colour wheel missing the red and blue. Most of them are odourless except for the Melatonin, which has a peppermint tinge. Minty fresh some would say. Little numbers and engravings on each pill making them different from the others.

I consider my family insensitive to my feelings right now and want nothing to do with them. They invalidate me everytime i bring up a point that is causing me emotional distress at this time. We fight like cats and dogs and i bring an attitude when i have to interact with them right now. It feels like i am being penalized for their poor choices and that mum and dad are coming together more as certain dates near. They assure me nothing is going to happen, which i hope is true but i just can't be guaranteed anything right now. I don't believe them, i don't believe what they say. They are operating in a machine like fashion trying to get things sorted out but in the same sentence they are cold and dull like a machine, emotions lacking. Once this dissolution is complete mum will be moving up to her bf's place and living with him, this causes me agony bc their r-ship is more like the ups and downs of a rollercoaster then that of a solid pair. Mum will actually be moving 45 mins away and this scares me, not only for her personal concerns but also for myself. I feel that when she leaves i won't see her anymore and anything that was remaining of my original family unit will be forgotten and lost. 27 years worth of collecting and hoarding has been put into storage. Dad is moving into an apartment just outside of town, which i feel is good for him as he must move on with his life. He must begin to realize there is life outside of being surrounded by things my mum has collected. Now you might ask why is it ok that my dad move on and i struggle with the fact of my mum doing the same. Since i was told about there being issues about my birthday and mum's bf was upset that we were getting together to celebrate my bday as a family unit, i feel that once mum moves to his place, he will have more control and pull on her decisions to spend time with my dad and i, especially on critical dates such as christmas and my birthdays to come. If mum is going to have to create lies and such to be with us it makes me wonder what she is trying to hide or protect. In my sole opinion, i believe that it has nothing to do with him and he should just get his nose out of business that has nothing to do with him. He is not part of my family unit and he never will be. He may never understand the importance of why i cherish getting together with my family during these times because he does not have any children of his own, and lacks any family that lives near him. Then my question to that is: why should i have to forfeit time with my family just because he has chosen to distance himself from his? That's a price i should not have to pay and to make everyone live by his sword is wrong. He is not a king or commander in chief of my family so therefore he gets no say. He is only an outsider that has chosen to dig their claws into my mum and try to change who she is so that he doesn't have to change his childlike behaviours and habits that cause dilemmas within their r-ship. A saying comes to mind, “Death Before Dishonour”,
it is used by the American Army but i feel that it applies perfectly to my case that i am stating right here. I will not continue to stand by and allow my mum's bf to degrade my family unit bit by bit and i will not allow this without a fight. Call it aggressive, i call it standing up for my family and what is right. Many a time i wonder why he has to put his two cents in and make my mum feel guilty for spending time with her family. That's wrong, and she does not do the same to him. My mum has started defending him but coming up with countless excuses as to why he does not understand or begin to comprehend the repercussions of his actions. Fine, if that's what you really want to defend then, but what about your original family unit that you took the time to build, nurture and care for over the 27 years that have gone by. Are you just going to throw that away and move into the next format of your life that holds no continuity or stability? These are questions i ask myself about their r-ship all the time, and when i point them out (using tact or not) i always get shot as if i am some sadistic messenger.

The door buzzer rings and it is my wonderful local delivery person bringing me my tasty brunch of pizza and french fries. Comforting carbs, how i love you! I settle in and begin to watch the first movie of the Transformers series, in anticipation of the new one coming out in the near future. It all started with a cube, a simple shape that changed the destiny of planet earth. I know the story like the back of my hand. Autobots, decepticons. Good and evil clashing for the title of king.