Dear Reader,
I am on the journey of a life time. I'm not sure if you ever remember me telling you about the ONE but I am on the road to attempt to make amends with him. I know that we will never get together or anything and that's not what I am expecting, just we broke up on some very rocky terms and I want to clear the air. Now this is where it gets personal, when we broke up things were not hunky dory and a lot of things I said and did should not have been done. I am trying to make amends because there was stuff that I feel needs to be explained. I'm not looking to be forgiven but if that happens that's great. I'm not looking to be friends with him but if that happens that's great. When I set my mind to something and I need to be resourceful I will pull out all the stops just to get what I am looking for. Whether it is checking my certain spots, which I won't share because that would give my sneakiness away, calling random numbers until I hit the jackpot, I will do whatever it takes. I know that this person may have their own reasons for not wanting to talk with me but I would like to hear him say that so I know plain and clear. How do I feel right now.... Well a mixture of emotions: some good – excitement, happiness, success, some bad – anxiety, invading on his territory, nervous how he will react. I will state that I am totally in a position to be reemed out and told to GO FUCK YOURSELF but I really hope I get to state my piece. I have tried to contact this person several times with no luck but hopefully this time will be different. I hope he will give me the chance to say what I need to say, to apologize (yep I need to do that because I was a mega bitch), to say how important he was to me at the time and still is but for different reasons, and why I cannot let go of this issue until it's dealt with. I'm like a dog with a bone, can't let go of it unless it's pryed from my very jaws. This issue haunts me everyday and makes me regret so many things, that if I were just able to talk to him and let him know what I want to say and make an effort he might appreciate that I am willing to say sorry (a word that rarely comes from my mouth). He's allowed to be angry, hate my guts, never want to talk to me again, and any other punishment I am deserving of but I hope that his heart is not so calloused that it will not let me plead my case. Things have changed now and it has been over 5 years, a long time for someone to hold a grudge but it's possible, I know because I have done it. I understand that talking with me, writing to me, seeing that I have tracked him down maybe be painful, a pain that he has put aside for 5 + years but I don't know if I were in his position whether I wouldn't want to hear what the person has to say. Maybe it would feel good to get out your feelings and really tell the person how you felt at the time when they walked and tramped all over your heart, let it out once and for all, let what was never said be known. I'll admit that I deserve it, I was a doorknob who had no idea what type of person was in my life. For the moment my brain keeps pacing, one way to check my messages to see if he has replied and then the other way to see if the phone is about to ring with a call from him. I need to talk to him to finally get out that he was my one but that was the past and the past cannot predict the future. I have to live in the moment and move on and maybe this is the way I will have to do so. As for how my adventure unfolds I'm leary at what is about to come. Mixed emotions make my insides like a martini, shaken not stirred. If I get this chance I will thank him graciously and let him know how much I appreciate him letting me speak my piece.
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