LAUGH OUT LOUD

Dear Reader,

So I was in a local book store looking for a writing exercise book that provided me with props to get me started on writing with new, strange, and fun ideas. Then the shopsy handed me this book, it's called, THIS DIARY WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE 2009. There are little captions and sayings randomly blasted around the front and back cover and I thought this would be a great book to use for my blog. I don't plan to do the weekly exercises or anything but I do plan to use this book to entertain, enthral, and educate you! Upon opening this book the first page is red and has the following quote in the middle of it:

“To be completely free, one must become a slave to a set of laws” - Cicero

As thought provoking and discussion instigating that sentence is, in some forms, be it rare or common it rings true. After reading that a few times it just makes me want to use this book even more to highlight my blog and my adventures. Everyone needs some comedic relief in their life!
The first task is MAKE A NEW YEARS RESOLUTION THAT NO ONE IN HISTORY HAS EVER MADE BEFORE. This is interesting because they supply you with some suggestions:

-Bring a bonafide Nazi to justice
-Find the Grail but keep quiet about it
-Teach the world to sing
-Memorize Pi backwards
-Gain weight
-Find the lost city of Atlantis
-Learn to horsewhisper
-Defeat evil wherever it may surface
-Make 1, 879, 422 pounds, (british currency) exactly and no more
-Find a cure for vertigo
-Waste fewer words
-Get a job in drug dealing
-Discover a new black hole with the naked eye
-Watch less bad news on tv
-Train my pet to meditate with me
-Eat asparagus every day
-Resolve the Middle East Crisis on a postcard
-Remember more of my dreams
-Recycle other people's rubbish
-Master the AK-47
-Stop passive smoking

As I was typing that list down I came up with a response for each and every one of those suggestions. If it's humour you are looking for today you will get it. Enjoy. (These are in the same order as stated above but it's my version!)

-If you are going to bring a Nazi to justice, make it worth your while. Go for a few or some one big like Ernest Zundel
-Don't bother finding the Grail, no one wants to read something as old and dusty as that. Pick a new age interesting book.....how about the Twilight series by Stephanie Meyer, there's hunky guys to talk about and hot girls for the guys!
-Teach the world NOT to sing, avoid any ear piercing harmonies
-Anything with math, forget, except your count downs for birthdays, holidays,etc.
-Gain weight is an interesting one because at some point in the year everyone achieves this one!
-There's the hotel in the south that's called Atlantis and it practically is a city, well no, but has a lot of cool things that most regular cities don't have....the slide that is underwater, the biggest indoor fountain and a rockin' dance floor!
-I'm great at HorseYelling so I don't need to horsewhisper, my message is heard loud and clear!
-Defeating is fun when you are a super hero but you need to have the right spandex costume, liatards and gadgets first, once you invest in those then the crusade can begin
-I think that you should try to successfully make $1 for charity everyday, a good deed a day keeps the evil away! And..... it makes you feel good.
-Forget vertigo, find a cure for something common like IBS, yep that's right Irritable Bowel Syndrome
-Speak/Write fluently (Tough one for word Hogs!)
-A job in drug dealing does sound very appealing, but I don't think there are any tax breaks and legalization is a toughy
-The other day I did discover a new black hole with my naked eye, it was my dirty oven, Job=Clean dirty hole and make it pristine so that it hurts naked eye to look at. (Special tip, look around there's an asshole somewhere all the time)
-Allow only reality tv drama in your life, my personal fav....The Hills
-Forget training pets to meditate, if you can teach them to nap on command now that's something
-DO NOT eat asparagus every day, it gives you stinky pee
-Jack Nicholson said it perfectly in the movie Mars Attacks, “Can't we all just get along...” don't bother wasting a postcard, word conservation remember!
-I remember my dreams very well, but for those that forget invest in a dream journal, then a book that interprets what your means, then buy something else that interprets that or just forget the whole damn deal....WHO CARES! Live your life not your dreams!
-If you get into the recycling business that could be more profitable then the drug dealing and....hey hey hey.... it's legal!
-I think it's great that it is suggested that we learn how to use one of the most important and well known weapons in combat, next years ideas: RPG', grenades, machine guns. Etc.
-In the healthy sense of the word, stopping smoking is great but I've heard that being a quitter is not a fun thing either, maybe you can find a happy medium, switch the smoking to smoking pot and then you will be letting your drug dealing idea go up in flames, a positive use of its fruits!

I hope you enjoyed my variations on these few ideas. I enjoyed writing them. More will come soon you just have to wait for it!