He's Gone

I write this with the feeling of failure. My roommate just left and took all his stuff with him. I had to ask him to leave because i didn't like the way he was treating me. When he came and picked his stuff up he acted like nothing was wrong that i was the one with all the problems and that i had caused stress in his life. There weren't many rules for living here but he seemed to think they were intolerable cruelty and made quite a few snide remarks about it. I really tried to help him out, let him live at my house and try and get his life straightened around but there was no success. I don't know why i find this so upsetting but many people have told me there is no need for me to be this upset. Many think that him living with me was a giant mistake. And to a certain degree it was. I had access to things that i shouldn't have. It caused me to be sick and get more addicted to pot then i ever imagined.

How can i feel like i failed? Well he came here to try and sort his life out but instead things just got worse and more out of control. He is on his own wave length and doesn't think anything for anyone but himself. Turning the problem around to make me the issue was his way of dealing with things. People could see how hurtful and awful he was treating me but i was blinded by the light for sure. I was the one to always say, Oh come on, he's not that bad give him a chance, when others could clearly see through his facade. I guess that says morew about how gullible i am then anything. I tried to help out of the goodness of my heart and it did nothing but hurt me and make me sick.

I have to keep telling myself that it is for the best. In reality it is for the best, and deep down I know that. It just really hurts right now. After all I went through for him to live at my house and then for him to treat me like garbage just makes me really sad. I was one of the few that kept constant faith in him and rooted for him when no one else would. I guess the lesson to be learned from this situation is that I have to learn to wait to trust people before i jump in with both feet. There was a reason why his mum kicked him out and he had nowhere to go. I took him in because i didn't want to see him homeless or stuck. In reality though, he made it quite clear to me that finding a place to live is easy. It's just a place to live. He forgets though that some houses have rules, even if there aren't many and rules need to be followed.

I have to remind myself that him living here when i am trying to go clean and straight is not feasible when he still wants to be doing drugs and so on. I have to focus on myself and get my life back together. I am worth something and I need to raise my bar so that I don't just accept anything anymore. I need to bring in the rationality factor and think twice before doing things.

Buck up dear Sarah! You can get through this... at least that's what i keep telling myself.